An Uncertain Heart

by June Tate

  Helen looked thoughtful. ‘I’m not at all sure if James would be happy about that.’

  ‘Then ask him, for goodness’ sake, instead of mooning about!’

  Helen started laughing. ‘Oh dear, was it that obvious?’

  ‘Only to me. You know men, they haven’t any idea how a woman’s brain works.’

  Helen hugged her mother. ‘What would I do without you?’

  ‘One day your daughter will say the same to you, darling. It goes with the territory. Think about it.’

  When she was alone, Helen couldn’t get the idea of working out of her mind. With Margaret looking after Rebecca, she’d have no concerns leaving her for a few hours and it would make her feel useful again. She rang Doctor Coombs first to see what he thought.

  ‘My dear Helen, I think it’s an excellent idea. I do know a couple of the surgeons at the hospital, would you like me to sound them out for you?’

  She took a deep breath before answering. ‘Yes I would, but don’t do more than that. If there is an opening I’d have to run it past James first.’

  ‘Understood. I’ll get back to you in a couple of days.’

  A few days later, Helen received a call from the doctor with some good news.

  ‘I’ve spoken to my surgeon friends at the hospital and they were very interested in your working a few days a week. They always need someone of your calibre to join their staff. Here is a number to call if you decide to go ahead. It’ll be good for you, Helen. You shouldn’t waste your skills when it could help others, that’s why we enter the medical field, after all.’

  She took down the number and thanked him. Now she’d have to tell James and she wasn’t sure how he’d react. She would wait until they sat down to dinner tonight after the baby was in bed and they wouldn’t be disturbed.

  As usual, James had a bath before eating, then sat at the table telling Helen about his day, full of enthusiasm about the animals he was training. She listened, waiting for an opportunity to tell him of her news. Eventually he asked her how her day had been.

  ‘I’ve had a really interesting day, as it happens,’ she began. ‘I have an opportunity to work part-time at Cheltenham’s main hospital.’

  ‘What?’ James looked at her, a deep frown creasing his forehead. ‘What are you talking about? You have a young baby to take care of.’

  ‘Yes, James, of course I am aware of that, but Mum said she’d come and look after Rebecca when I would be at work, so there isn’t a problem.’

  ‘Oh, I do believe there is indeed a problem. The house, the baby and me, we’re not enough for you? I thought you were content with your life.’

  She knew this was going to be difficult. ‘Darling, don’t misunderstand my motives. I love all of that, but I need more, James. I need to work, to use my skills and not let them go to waste. I need that mental stimulation. What we have is wonderful, but it isn’t enough. I feel stagnant.’

  ‘Are you telling me getting married was a mistake, is that it?’

  ‘Don’t be ridiculous! Just try and remember back when you didn’t know how you were going to work, because of your illness. How frustrating that was until you discovered you were happy breaking horses – and the thrill that gave you. I love you and the baby, our life together, but can’t you understand? I need more to feel fulfilled.’

  ‘Then I’ve failed you. I thought I made you happy.’

  ‘Oh, for heaven’s sake, no you haven’t failed me in any way. You do make me happy – I am happy – I just need to work a few days to make my life complete. That isn’t too much to ask, is it?’

  ‘No, I suppose not, if that is what it takes. You don’t need me to tell you how good you are at your old job: after all, where would I be today without your care? So why should I deny others from benefitting too? If it’s that important to you, go ahead.’

  Helen could see that her husband wasn’t happy and that he had no understanding of her needs, but she’d made up her mind now and nothing was going to change it.

  ‘I’ll call the hospital in the morning, then,’ she said. But the air was full of tension during the rest of the evening.

  The next morning, she rang the hospital and made an appointment to talk to one of the surgeons later in the week. She then called her mother who would come over to be with the baby. Helen could hardly contain her excitement, but when she told James, she was very matter of fact, knowing he wasn’t best pleased with her plan.

  ‘On Thursday I have an appointment at the hospital, James. Just a chat to see if they can come up with an offer of work that would suit.’

  He was very non-committal. ‘Fine, if that’s what you really want,’ was all he said.

  Paul Henderson, one of the hospital surgeons, sat behind the desk in his office talking to Helen. He asked her about her time spent in the field during the war and was impressed when he heard she had worked with Richard Carson.

  ‘Sir Richard is one of our best surgeons,’ he said, ‘that must have been an experience.’

  She agreed. ‘He taught me a great deal during the year we were together, and now I want to return to medicine. I do miss that side of my life. Of course, it would have to be part time as I am married and have a baby.’ She explained that her mother would be looking after Rebecca, which would allow her the time to work.

  ‘That all sounds satisfactory,’ he said. ‘Can you manage three days? Wednesday through to Friday? You would be working with whichever surgeon is on duty on those days.’

  Helen was delighted. ‘Yes, that would be just fine, and thank you for the opportunity. It will be great to be back at work again.’

  But on the way home, pleased as she was at the outcome, she wondered how James would react to her news.

  James, still unable to understand why his wife wasn’t content with her life, was out riding Cleo, trying to come to terms with her decision, which had shaken the confidence he had about the state of his marriage. He thought they had everything they needed as a family now they had a child. For him, his life was ideal. He was working with horses and doing well. They had a lovely home, a baby, why wasn’t that enough for his wife? Was he lacking as a husband, was that it? Did he disappoint her? If so, how, he wondered? It was beyond his comprehension. He rode back to the stables, completely mystified.

  When Helen returned home, she immediately told her mother the news and they arranged the time for Margaret to arrive the following week. She couldn’t keep the delight she felt to herself.

  ‘I’ll have to get my uniforms unpacked and washed, ready for Wednesday. It’ll feel a bit strange for a while, but Mum, I am so excited!’

  ‘It’ll do you good, Helen. Men have no idea how mundane a housewife’s life can feel if you have been out in the world as you have. Let’s face it, darling, how many women have had the chance to get away and lead such a life? Not many. Of course you want more. I understand, but does James?’

  ‘No, he can’t. He thinks he’s failed as a husband and that’s not the case at all.’

  ‘Just give it time, he’ll get used to the idea when he sees you are happier working.’

  But when Helen told him she would be starting work the next week, he was taken aback.

  ‘So soon? I thought you meant sometime in the future.’

  ‘I didn’t know when, darling, but it seems they would like me to start next week and I can’t see any reason not to.’ She gazed at him, willing him to understand.

  ‘Be happy for me, James. It’s what I need. I love my life with you and Rebecca. You have your work which fulfils your needs and this will do the same for me. It doesn’t mean that I’m not happy being a wife and a mother. I just need to be me as well. I am a person in my own right, after all.’

  A glimmer of understanding began to show in his face. ‘Of course you are. I’m sorry if I seemed pig-headed. I forgot the woman I first met. The dedicated nurse, the horrors you had to live through, the war and how you gave up nursing to be my wife and now a mother. I just took it all for gran
ted, I suppose. With me being as happy as Larry with my world, I totally forgot our past lives.’ He took her into his arms. ‘If that’s what it takes to make my wife happy, then of course you must go.’

  She kissed him soundly. ‘Thank you, darling. You see, you won’t regret it, we’ll both feel fulfilled and what could be more perfect?’

  ‘Just make sure those surgeons know you’re married and spoken for, that’s all,’ he teased. ‘Those eyes behind a mask can be damned attractive, as I recall!’

  Helen breathed a sigh of relief. She’d managed to make him understand, at last. She couldn’t have him in doubt about their marriage, which could have brought on a bout of depression and that definitely would have put an end to any hopes she might have had of working.

  Chapter Thirty-Two

  Helen soon settled into her routine at the hospital and was happy. She enjoyed the camaraderie, it took her back to earlier days in the theatre. Here the surgeons were appreciative of her skills and she was popular with the rest of the nurses. It lifted her spirits, which was now obvious to her husband.

  James could see the difference in Helen after the first couple of weeks. She was excited about her work, of being useful, and once at home, she was happier around the house. He found her singing in the kitchen one morning, and walking up behind her, slipped his arms around her waist and kissed the nape of her neck.

  ‘You sound happy,’ he said. ‘How about a quick cup of tea for a working man?’

  ‘Only if you take off those dirty shoes, James. You’re walking mud all over the kitchen.’

  ‘Oops, sorry.’

  They sat at the kitchen table together and she began telling him about her work. He saw how animated she was and was pleased for her. Helen was happy, which made him happy. Margaret was a blessing and so good with Rebecca, it seemed as if the household had settled. He realised at last that his only fault had been to take his wife’s happiness for granted, but now, all was well with them, which was a great relief.

  Ann Carson was not a happy woman. Her week seemed to be all about her luncheon with Clive Bradshaw; the days between seemed to get longer and longer and she was frustrated. Her frustration stemmed from Clive himself. Being the gentleman that he was, he made sure that they remained just on friendly terms and Ann longed for more. She wanted to be held in his arms once again, to enjoy the intimate moments they had shared at the hotel in Birmingham. He had told her that he was in love with her in the past but now she wondered if those feelings had died during the time they had been apart. If they had, then nothing would change and she couldn’t go on as they were, but … if he still felt the same, how different it could be. She had to find out today when she met him, she decided. After all, it was her birthday and he was taking her to the Savoy for lunch to mark the occasion.

  It was with both excitement and some trepidation that Ann made her way to the hotel and she was relieved as she stepped out of the taxi to see Clive waiting for her. He stepped forward and paid the driver, then ushered her into the dining room where the waiter led them to a table by the window.

  They had an aperitif and ordered from the menu. Just then a pageboy came over to the table carrying a bouquet of flowers and a small package. He handed them to Ann with a smile and walked away.

  ‘Happy birthday, my dear Ann,’ said Clive.

  She was delighted. ‘Oh, Clive, how very romantic. Thank you so much. May I open the package?’

  ‘Of course, I can see you can hardly contain your curiosity,’ he said with a chuckle. ‘You’re like a small child.’

  Inside the gift wrapping was a bottle of L’Heure Bleue perfume by Guerlain. She was thrilled.

  ‘This is one of my favourite perfumes.’

  ‘I remember,’ he said. ‘You wore it when we went to Birmingham for the AGM. I saw the bottle on your dressing table.’

  She gazed up at him, eyes shining. He did remember. Her spirits soared, but she didn’t say a word. She had to be careful not to rush things. She could play the waiting game if the end result was to be what she desired … but a little word couldn’t do too much harm.

  ‘Those days were very special to me, Clive.’

  He just smiled but said nothing more and they sat through three delicious courses, drinking champagne. Ann hadn’t felt this happy in a very long time.

  At the end of the meal, they decided to go for a walk in nearby Green Park. Despite drinking coffee at the end of the meal, Ann was feeling a little tipsy after the champagne and she held on to Clive’s arm as they walked until, eventually, they sat on a bench beneath a wild cherry tree that was now in blossom.

  ‘Oh, Clive, this is the best birthday ever!’ she exclaimed and leaning forward, she kissed him on the mouth.

  Taken by surprise, he kissed her back, then realising what he was doing, he stopped. ‘I’m so sorry, Ann, I shouldn’t have done that.’

  She took hold of the front of his jacket and pulled him closer.

  ‘But I’m so very pleased that you did,’ she kissed him again and this time he didn’t pull away.

  ‘Do you still love me, Clive?’ she asked softly when he eventually let her go.

  He hesitated, but she saw the look of affection he couldn’t disguise.

  ‘We shouldn’t be having this conversation, Ann. You know that.’

  ‘How can we not? When two people feel as we do, why on earth shouldn’t we talk about it? That’s not normal.’

  ‘But you know nothing can come of it,’ he said. ‘You’re married.’

  ‘To a man who’s married to his career; I certainly don’t feel he’s married to me!’

  ‘That is so sad to hear. You are a vibrant woman, crying out to be loved. It makes me so angry to see such a wasted relationship.’

  ‘How can you say that? When I had my flat in Chelsea, you were appalled when I suggested we could become close again?’

  ‘I’m sorry, my dear, but somehow the arrangement seemed so sordid and cheap. It didn’t feel right under those circumstances, somehow.’

  ‘But you make me happy, dear Clive. With you I feel loved. Why on earth must we waste such feelings when together, for however brief a time, we could be deliriously happy?’

  ‘What you are suggesting is dangerous, you know that.’

  She was now beyond being careful. She held his hands tightly.

  ‘I’m in love with you, Clive, and if I’m honest, I have been for a very long time. I’m sorry if this isn’t what you want to hear, but it’s the truth and I can’t hide it any longer.’

  ‘Oh, Ann – what a predicament. What are we to do?’

  She threw caution to the winds. ‘Let’s have an affair!’

  To her surprise, he burst out laughing. ‘You are outrageous!’

  Now she too was laughing. ‘But just think how much fun we could have. I’m so lonely … aren’t you lonely, Clive?’

  ‘Yes, yes I am.’ He stared hard at her for a moment, then he said, ‘Are you really willing to risk everything to be with me?’

  She threw her arms above her head. ‘Everything!’

  ‘Are you certain it isn’t the champagne talking?’

  ‘Absolutely certain. At the risk of sounding like a loose woman, I want you so much, you can’t imagine how I feel.’

  ‘You make it very hard for me to refuse.’ He hesitated, then he said, ‘Very well, but we will have to take the greatest care not to be discovered.’

  These were the nicest words anyone had said to her and she beamed at him.

  ‘Oh, darling, I can be very devious when necessary!’

  Chapter Thirty-Three

  James Havers was a worried man. His beloved Cleo wasn’t well. Instead of being her normal playful self, she seemed distracted and vaguely uncomfortable and when James checked and found a reduced amount of faeces in the stall, he was concerned that Cleo was suffering with colic and immediately called the vet, who told James to walk her round until he arrived. As he did so, his heart was beating that little bit faster and he
fought to stop the feeling of panic building inside.

  ‘Come on, Cleo,’ he murmured as he led her round the stable yard. ‘Don’t do this to me. You cannot be sick, I won’t allow it!’ But deep down he was scared. Colic could be dangerous.

  It wasn’t long before Brian Dickinson, the vet, drove into the yard. Cleo was returned to her stall where the vet examined her. He checked her heart rate, her temperature and then felt the muscles on her rump and frowned when he felt how tight they were, and he was worried that the animal might have excessive fluid in her stomach.

  James found he could hardly breathe as he waited.

  ‘We need to get her to my place,’ said Brian. ‘I need to take an X-ray before I make a decision, so let’s get her into the horsebox now.’

  In Cheltenham, Helen had finished her work for the week, unaware of the dire situation that James was having to face. She changed out of her uniform and saying goodbye, made her way home, looking forward to the coming weekend as her mother had taken Rebecca to her house to give them time together.

  Walking into the house, Helen called for James but he wasn’t in there, so she made her way to the stables, calling out to her husband.

  ‘James, I’m home! Where are you, darling?’

  But no one answered. She called again, but there was silence, so she walked into the stable block, expecting to see James there, and when she saw Cleo’s stall empty, immediately thought he’d taken her out for a ride, until Mick, the young man working with James, entered and told her what had happened.

  Returning to the house, Helen was really worried. If anything happened to Cleo, James would be devastated. His relationship with his beloved horse was something very special. She remembered the touching scene she’d observed when James had returned from the war. How he’d cried when he first entered her stall after so long. She immediately rang the vet’s number. The receptionist put James on the line and he told her what had transpired.