An Uncertain Heart

by June Tate

  ‘I can’t do that, think of the scandal!’ She was white with shock. ‘Think of your position.’

  ‘Oh, I have, Ann, believe me. People will be shocked that the wife of such an eminent man could be so foolish. No blame will be laid at my door, it will all be yours. You earned it – now enjoy it!’

  He walked into the living room and poured himself a drink, Ann following quickly behind him.

  ‘You can’t do this to me!’

  ‘My dear Ann, I haven’t done anything, remember? It’s you that has broken your marriage vows, not me. It’s you that society will shun. I hope you think it was worth it.’

  He put on his coat. ‘I’m off to my club. I suggest you call Clive Bradshaw and ask when you can move in. Sooner rather than later would be acceptable, meantime move your things into the spare room whilst I’m gone!’

  Ann was shattered by the turn of events. She’d thought she and Clive had been so very discreet, so how on earth had Richard become so suspicious? Then she recalled an earlier conversation when he’d asked her why she seemed so cheerful. It was her own fault, after all. She’d let her happiness show, that was her big mistake. What on earth would Clive say now? Would he desert her? She felt the tears begin to flow. If he did then she would really be alone. Her friends would ignore her under the circumstances, not wanting to be tarred with any hint of scandal. She walked to the telephone.

  Clive was sitting, reading over the report he’d written for the treasurer of the charity, when the telephone rang.

  ‘Hello, Bradshaw speaking.’ He listened for a moment. ‘Ann, slow down, I can’t understand a word you’re saying.’ He listened and then said, ‘Of course I’ll meet you but whatever is wrong?’ After a moment he replaced the receiver, grabbed his jacket and left his flat.

  He frowned as he walked. Whatever had happened? Ann was in such a state and said she’d explain when they met. He hurried on.

  Twenty minutes later he arrived at the park where Ann had asked to meet him, and he could see her just inside, sitting on a bench, looking more than a little perturbed. He hurried over and sat beside her.

  ‘Whatever is the matter?’ he asked.

  She burst into tears.

  He held her hands and waited until she managed to pull herself together.

  ‘Richard has found out about us! He even has photographs showing us meeting!’

  Clive was shocked. ‘How on earth could that have happened, we have been so careful?’

  She related the sorry story to him as he listened intently.

  ‘He’s told me I have to leave and move in with you. He said he could no longer consider me as his wife, that now I was to leave and as I had chosen you as my lover, you could take care of me. What are we going to do?’

  ‘Well, you can’t move in with me, that’s not possible – you must know that?’

  She was in despair. ‘You’re not going to desert me, are you, Clive? I couldn’t bear it if you did.’

  He looked at the woman he loved and his heart ached for her. They had played a dangerous game and now it was out in the open.

  ‘No, of course not! But we have to be careful what we do now. You do realise whatever that is it will cause a great deal of gossip, don’t you?’

  ‘I don’t care about that any more as long as we can still be together. I love you, Clive, these past months have been the happiest of my life.’ She was silent for a moment. ‘But what about you, darling? How will this affect you? Because it will be common knowledge eventually.’

  Placing an arm round her shoulder he spoke softly. ‘You make me happy, Ann. I have no family ties, no one to point the finger, unlike you. You have a husband, a place in society that will be denied to you now. You have so much more to lose.’

  ‘Do you really think I care about that any more? Yes, once upon a time it was everything. Now it means nothing.’

  He patted her on the back as you would to comfort a child.

  ‘We could always move out of London. Go somewhere where we aren’t known, set up a home of our own, together.’

  She looked at him in astonishment. ‘You would do that for me?’

  ‘No, I’d do it for us!’

  ‘But what about the charity – your work?’

  ‘I can always work elsewhere.’ He smiled at her. ‘Why shouldn’t we be happy together? It would be very different from the lifestyle you’re used to. Do you think you could lower your standards just a little? There would be no fine house. No afternoon teas with the ladies. No Lady Carson. Just a simple life, the two of us.’

  She started to laugh. ‘Oh, Clive, it would be such an adventure, but we wouldn’t be married!’

  ‘Who would know? If Mr and Mrs Bradshaw moved into a new town or village, who would even question it?’

  She leant forward and kissed him. ‘I told Richard if he was half the man you were I wouldn’t have had an affair, and I was right. You are my hero!’

  ‘You flatter me, Ann. But we have to make plans. I suggest we find a small hotel for you to move into tonight, until we decide where to go, and then find a place to live. During that time, I suggest you keep out of the limelight. I doubt that Richard will tell anyone about the situation for now, which will give us time.’

  ‘I’ll have to go home and pack a couple of bags with my clothes and toiletries.’

  ‘You do that and I’ll find a hotel for you to stay. The sooner you move out, the better. You can always return for the rest of your things when we find a place to move to. I’ll call you when I’ve found a hotel, then you can get a cab to take you there.’

  Ann let herself into her house and, taking off her coat, went to her bedroom and packed two large suitcases with her clothes and another with toiletries and some of her jewellery. She then went into the living room, poured herself a gin and tonic and sat on the sofa. She looked around at the elegantly furnished room, knowing that she was leaving for good. Did she really mind, she wondered?

  When she’d left before she had minded, but not now. She’d not been really happy here with Richard. Not in the same way she was happy with Clive. With Richard it had all been about position, a place in society, being a member of the upper class – through her husband. But she now accepted that it was all rather shallow. What had been important to her then had no depth, no real value – not like Clive’s love for her. He was prepared to start a new life in a new place so that they could stay together. That had true value. That was pure gold.

  Whilst she waited she penned a short note to leave for Richard.

  Richard,

  I’ve packed a few of my clothes and I’ll inform you when I will return for the rest of my things.

  Ann.

  She smiled with some satisfaction. He would be surprised when he came home to find the place empty. But what did she care now?

  The telephone rang. It was Clive with the address of a hotel.

  ‘You’re booked in as Mrs Clarkson. I’ll come over and meet you in the bar,’ he said. ‘We’ll have our own small celebration.’

  She was delighted and rang for a cab. When it arrived she walked out of her house with a definite spring in her step. She was leaving Lady Carson behind with the furniture!

  During this time, Richard was sitting alone in his club, having a quiet drink, collecting his thoughts, trying to calm down. His anger, still boiling inside, was like a volcano waiting to erupt.

  He was still unable to come to terms with the fact that his wife, who for years had so enjoyed her elevated position, could have thrown it all away for sex. She said it was for love, he didn’t believe it! And … for such an insignificant person as Clive Bradshaw, whom he’d met once when Ann had joined the charity.

  He sipped his drink. Well he had shaken her little world this evening. He wondered what she would say to him when he returned to the house. Would she beg to be forgiven?

  Well, she could try. He was so incensed at the moment, he certainly was not in a forgiving mood. Let her go to this little man who had nothing
to offer. Let her find out just how different life would be. She’d hate every moment! This gave him a great feeling of satisfaction. Yes, he’d let the matter run its course before she came running back to him. He ordered another drink. Make her wait, he thought, as he picked up a newspaper.

  It was ten o’clock when he arrived home. He opened the front door and walked into the living room where he fully expected to see his wife waiting. The room was empty. He walked into the kitchen, she wasn’t there. On his return to the living room, about to go upstairs, he spied a piece of writing paper on the coffee table, picked it up and read it. Then he read it again before cursing loudly as he screwed it up and threw it across the room.

  Chapter Thirty-Six

  It was now early October and around the Cotswolds the leaves on the trees were turning colour. Children were collecting conkers from beneath the horse chestnut trees and there was a hint of winter in the air.

  Helen dressed Rebecca warmly, then tucked her up with blankets in her pram and made her way to the practice ring where she knew that James was working with Valiant, the name they had chosen for the horse.

  Ever since he’d taken him into his care, he and Brian had worked hard to make him fit and well and James had taught the animal to trust humans again. It had taken time, patience and energy, but eventually they were rewarded. Today Valiant had a beautiful coat covering a strong frame and at last the animal seemed to have lost fear of those he was familiar with. If a stranger stopped by his stall he was watchful, but no longer trembled at the sound of a voice.

  Not only had the horse taken on a new life, but James was no longer suffering with depression and was back to his old self, much to everyone’s great relief.

  Helen watched as James rode around the arena, then took the horse over small jumps, encouraging it as he did so. Seeing Helen, he rode over and stopped, patting the horse’s neck.

  Beaming at his wife he said, ‘Can you believe this is the same animal? Remember how he looked that day when Brian brought him over?’

  She leant forward and stroked the animal.

  ‘He looks wonderful,’ she said, ‘but then think how long you’ve worked to get him to this stage.’

  ‘It was worth every minute. He’s a brave soul, his name suits him and we’ll keep him with us. Who knows, when Rebecca is old enough she’ll be able to ride him. I’ll take him back to his stall, we’ve done enough for today, he’s earned a feed and a rest.’

  Helen watched him ride away. She would never be able to repay Brian for what he had done for the horse, but even more for finding the answer to her husband’s depression.

  As James unsaddled the animal, he chatted away as he used to do with Cleo. He was also aware that he had been saved by caring for this animal. At first he’d been so incensed about the cruelty it had endured, he’d just wanted to repair the damage, but as the days passed into weeks, he realised just what was happening to him and was more than grateful to his friend. He had been in the depths of despair, unable to get out of it. Knowing how worried his family were about him had only made his situation worse. Now, he felt like a different man.

  His business was thriving. Mick, the young man working with him, was an asset and had a way with horses too. They worked well together and James trusted him enough to leave him in charge if he had to go off to any horse sales or on business.

  Helen was still working part-time at the hospital, which fulfilled her need to be useful and continue with her love of medicine, and she had been invited to attend a two-day conference in London the following week, with two of the surgeons she worked with. Margaret and James had insisted she go. Margaret would move in until her return.

  There were to be several speakers, discussing new methods and the latest update on operation procedures. She was looking forward to it. It was imperative for them all to keep up to date.

  Helen travelled up to London with her colleagues and booked into the hotel where the conference was to be held. In their rooms was a programme of the event and she was surprised to see that Richard was one of the speakers. She wondered how he was these days. It had been a long time since they had seen one another.

  At the end of the first day, Helen gathered her notes and walked out of the conference room. It had been a full day and she was weary. She wanted to go to her room and sit in a hot bath before dinner, but as she walked across the foyer she heard a familiar voice call to her.

  ‘Helen! Is that really you?’

  She turned to see Richard approaching.

  ‘Richard! How lovely to see you.’

  ‘And you, my dear.’ He kissed her on the cheek. ‘Fancy a drink?’

  She could hardly refuse and followed him to the bar, where they sat at a small table and gave their order to a waiter.

  ‘You look well,’ he said. ‘How’s life in the Cotswolds?’

  ‘Great. We live in an old farmhouse and James has built stables there to train horses, which he then sells on, and we have a daughter, Rebecca.’

  ‘Congratulations! How is your husband?’

  ‘Fine. He’s busy doing what he loves and is good at it. He’s keeping really well.’ She wasn’t going to tell Richard of the bad times because they were behind them now, there was no point.

  ‘I’m delighted to hear that. There was a time when I wondered if he would ever recover from his ordeal.’

  ‘Well, Richard, you had a great deal to do with that. By the way, congratulations on your knighthood.’

  ‘Thank you, and for your telegram. That was kind of you and James.’

  ‘Not at all, we were so happy for you. It was well deserved. How is Lady Carson?’

  His expression changed. ‘We are separated, I’m afraid, and have been for a while now.’

  This was so unexpected that for a moment Helen was lost for words. ‘I am sorry to hear that.’

  ‘It isn’t common knowledge at the moment,’ he added. ‘You know how people gossip. I’m trying to keep the situation quiet but eventually it will get out. Until then …’

  ‘I understand. Anyway it’s not anyone’s business. They certainly won’t hear it from me, but how are you, under the circumstances?’

  ‘Fine. These things happen, although if I’m honest it was totally unexpected. I thought Ann was content, but she found her contentment in another man’s arms. That was a surprise.’

  ‘Oh, Richard, I am so sorry.’ What else could she say? She was surprised after meeting Ann Carson. She thought the woman would have gloried in being a lady.

  He picked up his glass and sipped his drink. Then with a wry smile said, ‘Imagine, Helen, this was the woman I put first before you. That was probably the biggest mistake of my life.’

  Remembering how Richard had arrived in Cheltenham to ask her to marry him if he divorced his wife, she decided to stop the conversation from heading down the wrong path.

  ‘That was then, Richard. It was in another life. I’m lucky, my marriage is solid, I’m just sorry that you are not as happy in yours.’

  He shrugged. ‘I have my work, and as you well know, that’s what drives me, and if I’m honest, Ann and I got along, but it wasn’t really a love match. It was more habit than anything else.’

  ‘That’s the saddest thing I’ve ever heard you say!’ she exclaimed.

  ‘It’s not something I’m proud of, but it is the truth.’ He downed the rest of his drink. ‘I have to gather my notes for tomorrow. I’m giving a talk in the morning, then I’ll be leaving. I can’t tell you how good it is to see you and to know that you are happy.’

  They both rose to their feet. He put his arms round her and kissed her on the cheek.

  ‘I’ll never forget you, Helen. We went through dreadful times together in the base hospital and beyond, but you made me happy and made my life bearable and I’ll always be in your debt for that. Take care.’

  She watched him walk away. How sad that this man who had given so much of himself in his life was now alone – and lonely, she felt. Then she made her wa
y to her room and the bath she’d been looking forward to.

  The next morning, Helen and the other delegates sat and listened to Sir Richard Carson deliver an amazing speech on the latest surgical procedures and she felt proud of the man who had been her mentor as well as her lover. Everyone sat enthralled with what he had to say, and at the end of it they all gave him a standing ovation. He looked both surprised and delighted. He smiled and gave a short bow.

  ‘Thank you all, how very kind of you. I don’t get such accolades from my patients, of course, they’re usually unconscious!’ The audience laughed. ‘Now, I’m ready for your questions.’

  There were many from those eager to learn about new procedures from such a man. Richard was patient and fulsome in his explanations, it was really like a class with the master.

  Helen sat listening with a feeling of pride to have been part of this man’s life and again was sad that his home life wasn’t a happy one. Richard needed someone to talk over his day with, as she well knew. Mind you, Ann wouldn’t have been able to cope with the medical side as she had, but she could have been there to make his life comfortable. Thank goodness he had his work, but a man needs more than that. Perhaps in time he’d meet another woman to share his life. She certainly hoped so.

  Eventually the questions had all been answered and Richard bid his audience goodbye. He walked towards the door, smiling at Helen as he passed her, but as the door was opened for him he let out a cry, clutched his chest and fell forward.

  Several surgeons rushed to him, followed by Helen. But there was nothing anyone could do. Richard had suffered a severe heart attack that had taken his life. The surgeon kneeling beside Richard looked at Helen and shook his head.

  ‘Oh, Richard!’ Helen’s anguished cry was the only sound in the room as someone removed their jacket and covered the body.