by Taylor Love
“You need to ask yourself that question. My god Ben! You were going to take me to a family wedding with the express purpose of introducing me to extended family, but you kept this huge part of yourself separate from me.”
“And I still want that. I want you by my side, meeting my family. Hell, I want you to be my family.”
Tamara took an actual step back. “What does that mean?”
“Come on? Now who’s not facing the truth? Where did you think all of this...us together was leading to? I didn’t change my life around for shits and giggles. I’ve never lived with a woman in my entire life! Except you. I’ve never devoted my time and energy to another woman. This was leading to you becoming my wife.”
This time Tamara turned away, needing a few seconds to get her scattered thoughts together. Turning back, she let out a deep breath and wiped her sweaty palms on her shorts.
“Ben, we’ve never even talked about marriage and you bring it up now?”
“I never brought it up because I knew you’d freak out. Shit Tamara let's not act like I’m the only one with parental issues that might be a problem for us.”
“I’m not freaking out. I just made an observation.”
“Your face is saying it all. You look like you want to run from your own home. Anything to not have this conversation.”
Tamara rubbed her forehead. A headache was starting behind her eyes or were those just tears? She couldn’t afford either one right now.
“Look, I don’t want to fight anymore. It’s clear we're not on the same page at the moment, and have different expectations of what should be apart of this relationship and even its future. Not to mention...maybe we both need to come to terms with our own issues and decide what we really want.”
“What I want hasn’t changed.” Ben stated flatly. “I want you in my life. I want you to feel the same about me. But I agree we both have some personal and wider relationship issues to work out.”
“Agreed.” Tamara said softly, breaking eye contact with him. Thankful for the dog’s body pressing against her leg.
“I think I should leave.” Ben said in a despondent voice. “I think we both need some space right now.”
“Okay.” What else was there for her to say at this point?
“I’ll call you in a couple of days. If you need me before then...”
“I’m sure I can survive a couple of days without you.” Damnit, would he just leave already so I can cry my eyes out!
“See, I don’t believe I can say the same, which is why I rushed back here...to you. Think long and hard Tamara, and I’ll be doing the same.”
Chapter Twenty-Three
BEN LEFT AND SHE’D promptly dropped to the floor in tears. Boa’s head in her lap, the only comfort she could find. Tamara had no clue what she’d done for the rest of Sunday. When she woke up late on Monday she called in sick and told them she would work from home. And she did, after dragging herself up and letting Boa out into the back yard. By late afternoon she was able to focus better. Enough to go into the office Tuesday—if Boa was with her. Just great, the dog had turned into her support animal.
He did call her two days after their argument. They proceeded to have the driest and politest conversation of her life. They didn’t address anything and didn’t talk long. Ben had ended the call promising to talk to her in a few more days. She responded that she was looking forward to it, and that was that. He called twice more before the first week was out and the conversations barely got better.
During the second week, after another flat call, she got the courage to text him, asking did he want her and Boa to come up to visit him over the weekend. He declined, claiming he had a lot of house showings and would barely be home. Since that was the case, he thought it would be a waste of her time. He was apparently okay with not seeing her face at all for two weeks. The excuse, regardless if true, felt like rejection and it hurt.
Normally, she would have never let this kind of inaction between them continue, but she was afraid to push. Afraid he would break it off completely and they would be done. When she had thoughts like that, it reminded her of her mother. Letting love make her weak and needy and willing to put up with anything—and still Tamara let it go. Her fear of losing him for good, greater than her disgust at being a doormat. She was literally living her worst nightmare! She thought it couldn’t get any worse until it did.
During the third weekend of this relationship limbo, he called her on Saturday mid-afternoon asking if she was up for some company. Of course, she’d been ecstatic and told him he was welcome to come by whenever he liked. She thought finally they would see each other and talk this out, get over this road block and go back to the way they were. Two hours later he was at her door. Boa went crazy for him, and Ben seemed happy to see the canine too. Her own excitement was a little less overt since she wasn’t as sure of her welcome as the dog was.
He’d greeted her warmly enough she supposed, sharing a light lingering kiss. Attempting to get over the awkwardness she asked him if he was hungry, but he told her not to bother, they could just order something in. They kept up general conversation until the food came. As well as later while eating and watching TV, the dog between them on the couch. Tamara wished she was snuggled next to Ben, but didn’t have the heart to chastise the poor thing to get down. Boa missed him as much as she had.
When night fell instead of leaving, Ben walked and then put the dog up for the night, like their old routine. She was nervous but also hopeful since it looked like he was spending the night. The bedroom lights were down low by the time he came in from the bathroom. He stood there, shirt off like normal just looking at her. Tamara let the sheet drop, showing she was already naked, that she was willing and waiting for him. As he undressed, they silently eyed each other. She had to watch from across the room as he sheathed himself with a condom, none of the playful ritual between them like before.
They didn’t talk as he begin to stroke and kiss her body. He touched her in all the right places and she did the same to him. It was all functionary and cold. Still when he eventually slid inside she was wet and ready, taking him easily.
He wasn’t gentle, nor was he rough. There was just no gradual increase of passion, no highs and lows that normally accompanied their love making. Just a steady firm pace, as if he was putting in work until it was time to get off shift. Nobody’s mind was in it, neither were their hearts. Even their bodies were only halfway involved.
For the first time she faked her orgasm with him—and felt her heart break.
She just wanted this emotionless coupling to be over. Somehow, she knew even with this wall between them he would try to hold out until she came. He could try all night but it wouldn’t be happening. She didn’t know or care if he realized she’d faked it, but apparently the act was good enough for him. Ben wasted no time in letting go.
When he collapsed on top of her, she welcomed his weight, hoping this more basic physical connection would trigger an emotional one. With that in mind, Tamara started running her hand lightly along his back. In less than five seconds he jerked up as if her touch hurt him. He mumbled something that she didn’t even comprehend and went into the bathroom.
Trembling she got out of the bed and went to select a night gown, slipping it on. She stayed at the dresser as she heard the toilet flush and pretended to be busy as he exited. When he walked past her like she was invisible, Tamara wasted no time going in the bathroom. She was able to turn on the water before she burst out crying. Though at that point, she didn’t even care if her tears were masked or not.
He left early the next morning and she was relieved to see him go. Lord, why couldn’t they get past this? The next week he only called once, and Tamara could almost feel the proverbial elephant sitting on her chest. Ben’s way of circumventing real conversation was asking about Boa. She played along because she was too tired to do anything else. Even with that topic the conversation didn’t last long. Those nights where they spent hours talking seem
ed like a faint memory. Honestly, she was at her wits end.
As much as she wanted to end it and put them both out of their misery, she couldn’t bring herself to say the words. Was this a fraction of what her mother had felt? The borderline desperation of having any little piece of the man you loved. She couldn’t even think about it anymore. When Saturday arrived, she threw herself into giving the house a good deep cleaning. Maybe by the time she finished, exhaustion would take over and she could finally get a good night’s rest.
Tying Boa in the back yard so the dog didn’t get in the way, she went to work. Starting with the kitchen she cleaned and scrubbed the refrigerator, then countertops. She had just got done mopping the floors when her doorbell rang. She ignored it. She didn’t want to see anyone, including the UPS guy if that’s who it was. Next came the banging on the door, so she went to peek out the front window and wished she hadn’t. Knowing this particular person was as stubborn as a bulldog, she wiped her hands before opening up.
“Can I come in?”
“Actually, you caught me at a ba-”
“Thanks.” Jessica pushed her way into the house, looking around and taking in the smell of cleaning solution.
“I see you’re cleaning which means it’s pretty bad.” Jessica dropped sideways in an armchair.
“What is that supposed to mean? I’m just doing some spring cleaning.”
“It’s summer...try again.”
“So what if I’m a little behind? What do you want? As you can see, I’m busy.” Tamara snapped back.
“I figured I had let you stew long enough. I was hoping whatever it was would be fixed by now. Is it Ben?”
“Why do you think something’s wrong? Besides you popping over here where you’re not wanted.”
Jessica rolled her eyes as she watched her friend take a seat.
“Because I know you. When we were in school and you got super stressed you cleaned. Any and everything. Everyone else had messy apartments, not us. We’d have the cleanest place in a ten-block radius. Give it up Tamara, what’s wrong?”
“You just caught me cleaning. What made you come over here in the first place?”
“Besides you looking pitiful at work for the last few weeks? I mean damn girl, even your dog looks sad!”
At the mention of Boa, Tamara’s eyes watered.
“No, no. No tears, you know Monique is better with those than I am.”
“You just told me I’m depressing my dog! I’m being a horrible pet owner.”
Jessica went over, putting an arm around Tamara’s shoulder.
“Look, just tell me everything and I mean everything. I need all the facts to give you sound advice.”
TAMARA DID AS SHE WAS told, sharing every hurtful word they had flung at each other. She even summarized their awful night together. When she was done Jessica just looked at her before slowly rising from the couch.
“Wow...I think we both need a glass of wine so we can deal with this mess.”
Jessica walked into the kitchen, only to slip and almost fall on the still drying floor.
“Damnit! You and your cleaning OCD almost killed me.”
Tamara laughed and it felt good. It was the first real one out of her mouth in three weeks.
“Sorry.” She said when Jessica handed her a glass a bit later.”
“Whatever. Back to your big ball of mess. You and Ben didn’t hold any punches. You both agreed to think on your issues, yet you haven’t addressed them since? What’s the hold up? Pride?”
“No, I don’t think that’s it. I think it’s fear. We both put ourselves out there and got hurt. Now we’re afraid to rock the boat. Too afraid the next fight might end us.”
“Okay, I can see that. Then I think you’re lucky. Pride is a hard pill to swallow but you can conquer your fears.”
Tamara’s mouth twisted. “It’s easy to say but hard to do.”
“Not really. You just have to decide if the reward is worth the risk. Is the chance of having Ben back in your life worth more than the risk that you’ll lose him? Simple question, give me a simple answer.”
“It is, but-”
“But what? You’re afraid of becoming your mother? Doing anything and everything to keep a man that doesn’t want you?”
“Well, yeah. I mean look what I’ve allowed so far! I’ve been a shell of myself all over one argument.”
“To be fair it was a big argument. And it’s actually normal for love to make women and men act and behave in ways they normally wouldn’t. Also, you are not your mother at all. I’m kind of pissed you’re letting her fuck up your life from the grave.”
“Jessica!”
“I know you loved her, but the truth is the truth. Here’s another one. You are not your mother, period. Your mother was broken hearted and that is something anyone can fall into. But you know she had bigger problems than that. She had mental issues. I’ve known you long enough to know you didn’t inherit her imbalance. If sadly you and Ben don’t work out, you will mope for a few more weeks but you’ll also pick yourself up and move on with life.
Just like you got yourself together and came back to work. Even though you were a sad little imitation of yourself. You did it. You’ve been picking yourself up your entire life and you’ll do it again. It’s one of the reason’s we get along so well. There is also one other difference between you and your mother. You are clinging on to a man who loves you back. Your father’s raggedy ass never loved your mother. She was a high school interlude that he could never shake. Put that fear out your head, it’s baseless. Okay?”
“I see you're not holding any punches either. But thank you. You’re right, it’s not the same.”
“No it’s not, not even close. Now, what else is holding you back?”
“The whole thing started because he didn’t trust me with a major aspect of his life.”
Jessica waved that away. “That’s his issue, we’re talking about you. You got testy about marriage at the get together and you flat-lined when he mentioned it. I’m with him. I think it was clear to everyone but you, where your relationship was going. Frankly, with you guys looking and acting like a 50’s sitcom perfect family, I was surprised he hadn’t already popped the question.”
“I admit I have a marriage phobia. I mean can you blame me with my background? I never really thought about it. I don’t think it’s meant to be for anyone in my family. Tanya had a two-year marriage that started and ended badly. Travis has never had a serious girlfriend over three months. Until Ben, I was just as bad.”
“You’ve always been a leader. Be the first one in your family to have a normal and healthy relationship that leads to a healthy marriage. Be an example for others to follow.” Jessica chuckled.
“Ha, ha. I wish it was that easy. I mean how would that work? With his job? With mine?”
“Honey, you guys were already living like a married couple. You just lacked a stamped certificate and some hand jewelry. You guys are already making it work. I reject that excuse as inadmissible. What else have you got?”
“Ugh, you’re annoying like Ben. Got a damn answer for everything.” Tamara complained but she was smiling.
Jessica smiled back. “Hey, I'm just doing my job. Come on what’s next?”
Tamara bit her lip, hesitant to voice the next issue.
“With a marriage, usually comes expectations of children. I don’t know if I’ll be a good parent. Again, I had horrible examples. We mostly raised each other in my house. What if I suck at it?”
“I swear, love really does affect folks’ brain cells. What do you think you’ve been training for? You already have a kid with the man, the dang dog. I pointed this out to you, remember? I mean everyone knows that a lot of couples who don’t know if they’re ready for kids get a dog first. They’re just big furry babies that bark. You guys have been shouldering the responsibility for a living thing that needs your daily care. After you got Boa the man moved into your house! With no prodding to take care of his gir
ls. And you let him, happily falling into domestic bliss without missing a step. If you want kids...when the time is right, you’ll both make excellent parents.”
“You think so?”
“I just said so and please don't get weepy again.”
“I know right! I’m not even a big crier.”
“Love hormones...yuck.”
“Thanks Jess for barging over here. I feel better. Saner.”
“Good, then my job is done.” She took the last gulp of her wine and stood up. “When are you going to call him and tell him all the things I helped you figure out?”
“You make it sound so easy. Up until now we’ve not had a problem being direct and tackling hard issues, but I feel like there’s this wall between us. Keeping both of us from talking. Really communicating.”
“Well knock it down girl! Get a sledge hammer. You may have to be the one that pushes. Men to my mind, are even worse at all this shit than women, and that’s saying a lot. Call him, hell go see him. Talk about the hard stuff directly like we just did. Let him know your fears and that you think he’s worth taking the risk. Win or lose you have to try. Continuing this stalemate is not healthy. And the longer it goes on it can only breed resentment. Trust me, I know that last one all too well.”
“You’re right. I’ll push soon. I don't want to live my life like this. Not knowing.” Tamara gave Jessica a hard hug before easing back.
“Since you’re so insightful in these matters, why didn’t you try to work things out with Ja-”
“Don’t insult me by uttering ‘he who shall not be named’, after I just helped you out like that.”
“Okay, okay. But I’m just saying, you just gave me some exceptionally sage advice. You don’t think that maybe-”
“No.” Jessica snapped out the denial. “That’s a completely different case, with totally different circumstances. Besides, it’s easier to see how to fix the cracks in someone else's life.”
