by Taylor Love
“True. Isn’t that fact annoying as hell?”
“It sure the hell is.”
Chapter Twenty-Four
BEN WAS OUTRIGHT EXHAUSTED, literally and figuratively. It wasn’t that much of a mystery seeing as how he was working day and night. If he got six hours sleep on any given day, he was lucky. People were rushing to get into new homes before the weather turned in the next couple of months, not to mention helping Eric’s best man plan his bachelor party. He was an extremely busy man. On top of that, things were moving fast on the resort front. It was looking like he was going to pull this off after all.
While that fact was a good thing, it didn’t make him as happy as it used to. Somewhere along the line he’d started dreaming of surprising Tamara with a trip to the newly opened resort. Telling her it was something he created, all before asking her to marry him. What had he been thinking? He understood now that his mentality had been flawed. During this split, he’d called himself all manner of names. At the end of the day, it came down to him being prideful and foolish.
Ben hadn’t had faith that his grand gesture would be enough for her, that it would make him enough in her eyes. His twisted upbringing had sunk its claws in his psyche after all. He hadn’t trusted her to share in or support his dream, too afraid that she would find it lacking or not a worthy endeavor. Yet, he knew that Tamara was nothing like his mother. Knew it in his bones and still he hadn’t found it in himself to risk it. Watching his father be rejected time and time again no matter what he did, by the woman he’d loved and worked his ass off for, had fucked up his brain as well.
This realization pissed him off! Things he couldn’t control, may have ruined his chance at love. He had seen that proposal clear as day in his mind. Tamara was intelligent, witty and fiercely independent. She would never spend her life complaining about what she didn’t have and blaming it on someone else. If his woman wanted something or was dissatisfied, she would fix it or get up and get it herself! He loved everything about her drive and wouldn’t have it any other way.
It had been a feeling of relief to find a woman who understood his own desire to work hard, to be industrious. Not once had she ever downplayed his work, his need to be on the grind. Never asked him to change his routine or demanded excess attention. And because she hadn’t, he’d wanted to freely do those things for her. To make more time for the woman who appreciated what he had to give. Ben had wanted to give to the woman who only wanted him to be himself.
Tamara lived a humble yet comfortable life. She had chosen to help those who needed it the most. He had been afraid to tell her about the resort, afraid that if it didn’t work, she would think he was a failure. The truth was she would get in the trenches and help her man rebuild if something failed. Not only would she support but she would be there helping to make it strong with her own hands. Ironically, his father had been the one to point this out to him.
After their disastrous night together, which he was also blaming himself for—he’d been more depressed than ever. His pops had showed up to his house a few days later out of the blue, to set him straight. Thinking back on the conversation all he could do was chuckle and shake his head.
“Pops, what are you doing here?”
“Bringing you something to eat, if you let me in the door.”
Ben moved back and followed his father to the kitchen, where he started plating out the lasagna. Ben grabbed them each a beer and waited, sitting at the breakfast bar.
“You cook that yourself? It’s still hot.”
“Naw, not this time. Your old pops still has a few lady friends that look in on me from time to time.” Earl winked at his son surprising a laugh out of the sober man.
“Figure I’d come fatten you up. Son, you look like shit.”
Ben pushed his food around on his plate. “I don't know what you’re talking about. I’m a little tired. Been working a lot, but I’m fine.”
“Like I said, you look like shit. You’ve lost weight. If you don’t watch it, you’ll have to get your suit tailored for the wedding.”
“Stop exaggerating. It’s not that bad. Besides, people get in shape for weddings all the time.”
“You were already in shape. Are you going to tell me what’s going on or what?”
“I told you, I just have a lot on my plate. You know summer is my busy time.”
“I know your woman can cook, so why she not keeping you fat and happy?”
“That’s not her job. I can feed my damn self.”
“Mmm, hmm.” Was all Earl said, as both men took a long pull on their bottles.
“Son, the one thing I know is when a man is miserable. I lived it myself for over ten years. Tell me what the problem is.”
Ben did, which was a clue of how messed up he was right now. Normally, he would never share something this personal with his dad. Going to his uncle if he felt male romantic guidance was absolutely necessary. Surprisingly, his father had listened silently until he’d told the whole tale before speaking.
“You know I was worried about you and that girl, you running up the highway every chance you got. Then moving in with her like you didn’t have a home of your own. But then I thought, well at least she wasn’t trying to move in with you, mooch off you and all you got.”
“Tamara's not like that. She-”
“Hold your horses and let me finish.” Earl said. “I thought to myself why was she making you change everything in your life? Do all the sacrificing?”
“She never-”
“And then I thought, my son isn’t a sheep, he does what he wants to do. So I knew she hadn’t pushed you to move in. Hell, I’m surprised an independent woman like that even let you. I’m surprised she didn’t charge you rent!”
“Pops...get to your point if you have one.”
“My point is you’re not me, and she definitely ain't your mama. You were wrong, Ben to keep something like the resort from her. We’re all super proud of you! Who wouldn’t be proud of their man doing something like that? Besides, just like she told me, she’s not with you for what you can do for her. That’s a rare thing young man, even in these times!”
“I know. Now, she doesn’t think I trust her.”
“Well, you didn’t. You new-age couples are all honest and talk about your feelings left and right. You kept a big part of yourself from her, while sitting up in her house. I don’t blame her.”
“You on her side or mine?”
Earl squeezed his son's shoulder.
“I’ll always be on your side. I know I made piss poor mistakes with you growing up. I’ve tried to do better with you as an adult. I’m proud of any and everything you do, no matter how it turns out. You have the determination to try. That’s more than many men do. But when you wrong, you wrong.
You got a ball buster of a woman on your hands. You know I went and looked her up after she busted mine at that dinner. She’s impressive and what she’s built at her age is even more so. That woman goes after what she wants and doesn’t let anyone get in her way. Reminded me of you!”
“I don’t know if I’d call her that. She’s actually sweet and laid back when she finally relaxes.” Ben defended her, sighing as he put his fork down.
“See, you got me wrong again. Being a ballbuster doesn’t have to be a bad thing. Your mother was one, but the kind that tore a man down and kept him there. Your Tamara is the kind that inspires a man to want to do better. Will bust a man’s balls to get him to see straight is all. She’s the kind that does it to build a man up, who will be there at his side if he stumbles. Not laughing at him if he takes a fall. She never would have belittled what you were trying to achieve. She’s the kind of woman that you build your dreams “with”, not for.”
“I know that now.” Ben said woefully. “Pops, it’s pretty bad between us. I don’t know if we can fix this.”
Ben had told his father everything, even alluding to how disheartening their one try at intimacy had been. The majority of that night was his fault.
He’d still been too hurt, too emotionally closed off, too afraid of being rejected at any moment. He’d royally fucked it up.
“Don’t let this be the first thing you give up on in your life. I sold my soul to get a shadow of the real love you have. Took me a long time to realize there had to be love on both sides. Find out if she still loves you. If she does then you can come back from this. Now, I don’t know if it will be easy, but you’ve never been scared of hard work. At least you know it will be well worth it. You need to figure it out. I may have screwed up with you, but I was finally having some hope of getting some grandkids so I could get it right.”
His dad’s advice had been solid and over the rest of the week he’d thought a lot about it. Ben hadn’t brought up the fact that Tamara might not want to get married or have his kids. Once again, he’d been dreaming and planning without her input. Even though he fully understood why she had anxiety around marriage, as he did too. He never brought it up because he hadn’t wanted to rock the boat. They had been in a good place, sliding along with no friction. He must have been out of his mind to think he could spring a proposal on her and expect a yes. Particularly without them ever discussing that part of their future together before hand.
As August was coming to a close, Ben knew something had to give. They would have to finally talk this out, figure out if they both wanted to move forward or end it. Walking past the fridge he looked at the photo of them in the park, holding Boa. They were happy, they were a unit. Ben wanted his family back. With that in mind, he reached for his cell.
THE WEEKEND AFTER JESSICA made Tamara see reason, she decided to call Ben and address everything head on. She just wasn’t going to do it today. Friday after getting home she was beat and figured if she rested tonight and got her mind together, she would be in better shape for that call tomorrow. Life often didn’t care about plans. She had just settled in to watch a movie with Boa, wanting to completely zone out, when her phone rang. She was going to ignore it but Boa started barking in her ear. Tamara, picked up the first noise maker hoping it would quiet the second.
“Hello.”
“Hey, did I catch you at a bad time? I was hoping we could talk.”
Where had this knot in her throat come from?
“Yeah...I have time.” Evidently, the universe wasn’t giving her a day to chicken out. “That’s if by talking, you mean address the issues we’ve been tip-toeing around.”
“Dang, did my dad talk to you too?”
“What?”
“Never mind. That’s exactly why I called. We need to decide if we’re going to try to fix us...or not.”
“I agree.” Tamara cleared her throat. “I don’t want to continue this suspended relationship we have going on.”
A few beats of silence before Ben said. “Me either. But let me be clear, I want to fix this. I think we’re worth fighting for.”
“I do too!” Tamara rushed to confess. “I just don’t know where to start.”
“Baby, I’m so happy to hear you say that!” Ben was glad he was sitting because it felt like his whole body sagged with relief. “Let's start with the basics. Tamara, I love you that has never changed.”
“I love you too. I won’t lie, I’m still a little mad at you, a little unsure and a lot hurt.” She got the painful words out before fear could lock them away.
“It’s okay. I can handle the truth, I think we both can. We just have to make sure we communicate. I’m sorry for ever making you doubt my fidelity or that I love you. I was wrong for keeping a central part of me from you. By doing that I wasn’t being honest with you about who I am. Didn’t let you fully in. I’m sorry I let childhood drama infringe on any aspect of our relationship. Can you forgive me for that?”
“I can. I understand better than most how stuff from your past can mess with your head. But I want you to know I think you’re an amazing man. I never would have started this relationship if I didn’t think you were. I support any and all dreams you have. I trust in your judgement, your intelligence. Your will to succeed is both impressive and sexy to me. You’re being bold and courageous by taking the plunge to create something so big and wonderful. How could I not admire that?”
Tamara hoped her sincerity came through in her words.
“Thank you. Seeing Grand Distinction open means a lot to me. But you’ve come to mean more.”
Tamara smiled. “Grand Distinction, huh? Unique name. You’ll have to tell me how you came up with that.”
“Not a problem, I’ll tell you anything you want to know going forward.”
“Same here.” Tamara assured him. “I should have told you before now that I’ve always had reservations about marriage. Growing up the way I did...well you can imagine it didn’t paint it in the best light for me. I can honestly say, it’s never even been a thought of mine until I met you. Those thoughts scared me but I’ve tried not to let them stop us from moving forward. I can wrap my mind around getting married to you. But I’m asking that you give me time on that point. I don’t know if I’ll need a little or a lot. I just know I do want to be with you and have you in my life.”
“I can work with that. I shouldn’t have made plans in my head without talking to you anyway. We can take things as slow as you want from now on. Um, but when can I see you?”
“Whoa, I thought you just said we can take things slow?” Tamara gave an easy laugh. “Luckily, I want to see you just as badly. But I think we should address one more thing before we get together.”
“I already know. I can’t apologize enough for that bad night we spent together. I was in a bad head space and never should have gone there with you. I blame my man brain for thinking sex could fix us. Probably because at that point I didn’t know what else to try.”
“Men think sex will fix everything.”
“It does ninety-percent of the time.”
“Ninety-percent is not a hundred Ben.” They bantered back and forth. Their relaxed rhythm back again. “It was horrible.”
“I’m sorry.”
“So am I. The blame is on me too.” Tamara admitted. “I welcomed what I hoped would be a quick fix as well. It just failed miserably. I just wanted to make sure we both understood that can’t happen again. Not like that.”
“Absolutely.”
“Okay good. Even though I’ve really missed being intimate with you...a lot. It may take me a minute to feel comfortable starting that part of our relationship up again. I just wanted you to know upfront.”
“Tamara, I told you in the beginning, sex between us will happen when it happens. I just want to see you, be around you, now that we’ve decided to move forward. How about I come down tomorrow morning? We’ll make a day of it. Maybe catch a movie out, and go to dinner. How does that sound?”
“That sounds perfect! I’m excited to see you.” Boa picked that moment to start barking. “I think someone else is too.”
“Tell Boa, Big Daddy Ben will see her tomorrow.”
Chapter Twenty-Five
BEN ARRIVED AT HER place at eleven the next morning, but he didn’t come inside long. Just to hit the rest room and then they bundled an excited Boa in the car and took off. He wouldn’t tell her exactly where they were going but she figured it was the park, after seeing the direction he was driving in. They spent a half-hour playing frisbee with the dog, before Boa even started to get tired. When that happened Ben told her to wait under a tree while he ran back to the car. He came back wheeling a cooler behind him, his other hand full as well so she rushed to help.
“What's all this?”
“I thought we’d have a light lunch.”
“I think someone is trying to score some points.”
“Is it working?”
“Ask me later after I see what you’ve gotten me to eat.”
Tamara quickly spread out the blanket and opened the cooler while Ben got Boa situated. He’d brought her bowls from his house, giving her dog food in one and some cold water from the cooler in the other dish. Seemed he�
�d thought of everything. She smiled on the inside, pleased at how thoughtful he was being. While they ate their favorite subs, chips and cheesecake bites for dessert, they talked. She wanted to know all about the resort, from when he first conceived the idea.
He eagerly took her through the long process to get to where he was now, which was being on track to open in either early or late December. She listened intently and couldn’t imagine how proud he had to be at his accomplishment and told him so. They spent another hour relaxing under the tree people watching as the park got more crowded.
At some point Tamara leaned over and gave him a soft kiss. That turned into them making out like teenagers for the next ten minutes. All soft sighs, laughter and light touches. When Boa got either bored or jealous that they were leaving her out and tried to join in. That was enough to get them up on their feet to spend the rest of the time playing with her before packing up. After dropping Boa back at the house, the two headed to the movies.
They saw Angel Has Fallen, which they both wanted to see. This was the third movie in the action-packed series following a secret service agent to the president. When that let out, they headed to an early leisurely dinner. Arriving back to the house around seven, Tamara asked him if he wanted to come inside, but he declined. Ben asked her to make him a cup of coffee while he took Boa for a quick walk around the block. Ten minutes later when the pair came back, she met him at the door with an insulated cup of brew.
“Here you go. Thanks for walking her. She has so much energy.” Tamara leaned up to give him a short kiss before stepping back. “Also, thank you for the entire day. I had a great time.”
“No problem. I enjoyed spending time with you as always. I’ll talk to you during the week.”
“I’d like that. Drive safe and text me when you make it home.”
Ben snuck one more kiss from her sexy lips. “Will do. Have a good night Beautiful.”
TAMARA WAS FINALLY sleeping well, which meant she started her week off much improved. It only got better as she and Ben spent the evenings talking for hours again. Until they hit a small bump as they were finishing their call Wednesday night.
