Saving Him

by Bry Ann

  We led Sam into the house and waited around awkwardly to see what she would do. It took her awhile, but she finally commented on the lack of photos and personal knick knacks around the house. I was surprised that was the first thing she noticed. Logan had always insisted on keeping the house bare. His office was the same way. He started doing that soon after he disowned our parents. I tried to ask him about it, but he always refused to answer. Then I went through a phase where I’d start sticking random pictures up in places to see if he noticed. He always did and would send me an angry text message asking me to “please not do that”. After a while I stopped, and just let Logan continue with his boring, lonely existence, because, honestly, who was I to talk?

  The next several days were hell. It started out with Sam crying her eyes out and ended with her completely isolating herself. The tears we could handle, the detachment became terrifying, the isolation absolutely sent us over the edge. We didn’t know how to help her. We were no experts on family. All we knew is we loved her and wanted to make her pain go away. That was really hard to do though when the person you were trying to help refused any of the help and support you offered her. Our pain turned to anger and our anger to fury and our fury to worry. Logan was not only worried sick about Sam, but Logan loved Sam’s mom. He felt accepted by her and was having a hard time dealing with her death too.

  It took ten days for Sam to finally leave her room. She hadn’t gotten dressed. It had gotten to the point where I was going to tell her about my friendship with Gunner to get a reaction. It was literally the last thing on this earth I wanted to do but I didn’t know else to coax some type of feeling out of her.

  Sam came downstairs, wearing virtually the same clothes she wore when we brought her here. Then she just started telling us all her feelings. Alarm bells were ringing all over the place. Was Sam suicidal? I’d always put that past her but in that moment, I was terrified. Logan looked pissed. Beyond pissed. He was scared shitless and hated having his feelings messed with. The second she went upstairs he held up a hand and said he’d take care of it. I didn’t really know what that meant but I trusted him. Even with my best friend.

  I had a hard time sleeping that night, but I eventually did fall asleep. I didn’t even know what time it was when I woke up to the sound of glass breaking. Shattering everywhere. I threw on some pants, socks and sprinted down the stairs. Logan was throwing everything he could get his hands on. He didn’t look angry. It wasn’t anger. It was confusion, hurt, pain.

  “Logan!” I yelled sliding across the hardwood floor. “What’s wrong? What the hell happened? Is Sam okay? Oh my God is Sam okay?!”

  He stopped throwing glass and ran his hands through his hair, fixing it somewhat.

  “She’s gone Day. She left.”

  “What?! Go after her! You … you… she’s not stable. She’s hurting. Find her. Logan please find her!”

  I started crying. He pushed his feelings aside and came over and pulled me into his chest.

  “I can’t make her stay sis. I can’t. I gave her mom’s note and she threw it and walked out. She’s running and Day… she doesn’t want to be found. I can’t hold her hostage here.”

  “But… she’s our friend. You love her.”

  Logan let go of me and went pale.

  “What?”

  “I’m sorry but you love her. That little snippy waitress. I know you love her.”

  I felt him put up a wall.

  “I don’t and even if I did she ruined it when she threw that letter in my face. I opened my heart to her and she spit in it.”

  “But….”

  “Day, she’s not nice. She just walked out. Okay? Forget her. For your own mental sanity please. Now…” he said wiping the hair from my face, “go to bed and I’ll take you back to your place tomorrow. I love you.”

  “Love you too,” I mumbled.

  I don’t want to go back.

  I want my own place. Not a treatment center.

  I want a friend. I want Sam. How could she leave us so easily?

  The next day was a nightmare. Logan all but threw me out the door. He tried to act like he loved me, but there was a wall he’d put up I’d never seen before. Logan was already a guarded man, but never with me! His tone was lower, everything he said was less funny and he seemed to age so much in a day. It was weird. Both our eyes were swollen from crying but neither of us had the guts or the strength to bring it up. He dropped me off at my treatment center with barely a goodbye and drove away. I didn’t even walk in the door.

  I sprinted off and texted Gunner on the private phone he’d given me to text him on. Me: I need a friend. Now. -D

  Gunner: I’ll break off. Meet me at that Guitar shop off third in the back-music room with the squeaky door. - G

  I practically ran there. He was already there, checking the surroundings, tilting the cameras and closing the doors when I ran in. All typical for him when we were together. No one could see us, “it wasn’t safe”.

  I didn’t even wait for him to talk I just ran in his arms and cried. He seemed super thrown off guard but put a strong arm around me and held me there for a second until I could pull myself together. Finally, I did. I wiped my face and pulled away.

  “What happened? Are you okay?”

  “I’m… Sam’s mom died, and she’s been depressed and then detached and then she… she left. No goodbye. Just nothing. We were friends. Everyone leaves!” I shrieked. “Why did she leave us?”

  “Shhhh...Dana …. Shhh,” Gunner looked panicked about all the noise I was making. My body shuddered with the strength of my emotions, but I quieted. “Why does this bother you so much? What do you mean “everyone leaves”?”

  “I loved her Gunner. I did. She seemed…” I fought my tears again. “She seemed to love me too. No one loves me but Logan, and I really only get half of him. I’m so lonely.” I slumped to the ground and cried again.

  “Every seems to have such an easy time leaving me. My parents, my friends from treatment, Logan a lot of the time, Sam… everyone leaves.”

  “I’m still here… against all odds,” he mumbled.

  “Yeah but we hide. It doesn’t count. Not really.”

  “For your safety. I assure you. I am not embarrassed by you Dana.”

  “Well I appreciate your assurances but… Look, I’m sorry I dragged you here. I’m such a disaster. I’m so sorry.”

  “Dana,” Gunner sighed. “Lift your sleeves. Please.”

  “What?” I paled.

  “Your sleeves. Lift ‘em.”

  “NO!” I yelled wrapping my arms protectively around my waist. “You're trying to embarrass me. I fucked up in the past. Don’t remind me. Is your point that people leave because I self-harmed?!”

  “No, no,” he emphasized. “My point is that I know why you’re here. You fucked up, didn’t you?”

  I looked at him with complete doe eyes.

  “How did you know? How?”

  “Call it a sixth sense. Lift your sleeves. Let me see the damage.”

  “I can’t. It’s too...personal. Fucked up. Somethings deeply wrong with me and no one has any idea.”

  “I do and I’m trying to fucking help you so please lift your sleeves. It could be infected or some shit.”

  I scoffed.

  “I’m careful geez. I know how to cut myself safely.”

  I reeled back, and Gunner laughed. He couldn’t help it.

  “Holy shit Dana. Do you hear yourself?”

  Begrudgingly I ignored him and rolled up my sleeves, looking away.

  “Okay, thank you,” he said calmly after looking at my arms for a few seconds. No shit. No how could you. No, you’re so fucked up. Just a thank you.

  Still a little thrown off I rolled down my sleeves and took several steps back.

  “You need to get those cleaned up Dana. I wish I could, but I don’t have anything around to clean it with. I have to put your safety first. Dana those are bad. When was the last time you did this?”


  “Honestly years. I promise. I’ve been a good place… for me at least. I’m just so damn hurt, so damn upset and so damn fucking damn alone!”

  “Okay wow language Day.”

  I laughed. We both knew he could give a shit what kind of language I used. He used that and then some.

  “Dana,” he said seriously.

  “I know, I know. Okay?” I said cutting him off. “They are bad I know. I’m fucked. I…”

  “No Dana!” Gunner snapped. My head shot up. He rarely snapped at me. “You aren’t fucked up. How can I get that through your head?! Men like me are fucked up. THAT is fucked up. Okay? Dana, those cuts are bad. Like severe. One or two probably need stitches and you’ve told no one. You wouldn’t have even told me if I hadn’t called you out on it first. I hate to sound like a pussy bitch, but are you talking to your therapist about whatever is eating at you? I know you are upset about Sam, but those cuts… Dana, those have been building up long before Sam left.”

  I bit my lip. I knew he was right, but I’d worked too hard to gain the freedom I had. I didn’t want to lose it again.

  “I hear you.”

  “Do you?”

  “I hear you, I promise.”

  “Okay then. I’ll let it go but clean those the fuck up. I want to see you tomorrow. If they aren’t cleaned, then… I don’t know I’ll be mad.”

  I busted out laughing.

  “Is that really your worst threat? “You’ll be mad”.”

  Gunner smiled.

  “I have lots of threats but none that I would ever make towards you, so I guess “mad” is all I got for now.”

  “I hate making you mad, so I think that’s enough.”

  “Good because I didn’t want to have to kick it up to angry or worse disappointed.”

  I cringed. “

  Dear God, not disappointed. That’s the worst!”

  “I know.” He winked at me and headed for the door.

  “And Dana?” he called before walking out. His eyes darkened. “Don’t ever pull that shit again. Just be honest with me and with your team of helpers. Tell the treatment staff where you got that knife from. K?”

  “How do you know it was a knife?”

  “Don’t ask me those kind of questions Dana. Because you’ll get answers.”

  “Right. I’ll tell them.”

  “I know.”

  Then he was gone, but not without taking a piece of me with him.

  Present Day: Chapter 9:

  I stayed in the hospital for another two days, but I had no permanent damage. At least not physically. People visited and tried to talk to me, but I wasn’t in the mood to talk. I smiled a little and asked them about the things going on in their lives. Distraction. People were very easily distracted by their own problems. People always wanted to talk about themselves.

  Gunner was the only person who saw right through me. I was unpacking up my stuff, slowly making my way around the hotel room when I felt a presence in the doorway.

  “Hi Gunner,” I said without even turning around. I felt Gunner enter my room and start pacing. I continued packing.

  “Okay you can cut the shit now.”

  “Excuse me?”

  I dropped the card I was holding.

  “Yeah two days I’ve dealt with your niceties out of a courtesy, but I’m done. Talk to me. What the fuck is going on in your head? Lay it on me.”

  “No, you cut the shit! How about that? You still haven’t told me what happened. How am I alive? How are you alive? What did they do to you before I got there?”

  “Why aren’t you this fucking aggressive with everyone else?”

  “Oh you just bring out the best in me I guess!”

  “You lived because you distracted the men temporarily, so I could fight them off, saving my life. You saved my life. You gave me the revenge I needed on my parent’s killers. I can’t express,” he cleared his voice. “I owe you.”

  “You don’t owe me a thing,” I mumbled. “The debt was paid when you got me the pig.”

  He returned my sly smile.

  “Did it help?”

  “So much. I have no idea why a stupid stuffed pig brings me so much comfort.”

  “Whatever works,” he shrugged.

  “You’re my best friend Gunner. I was so scared I was going to lose you,” I whispered. It felt like all the air left the room.

  “I told you I wasn’t going to leave you.”

  I gave him a sad smile.

  “Everyone leaves at some point.”

  “You still feel that way?” Gunner asked as he took a step towards me.

  “I think I always will.”

  “Are you … okay?”

  I turned to face him.

  “I can’t lie to you so honestly, no.”

  “I knew it. Is it because of Tanner? What you saw? What’s on your mind? How can I help?”

  “It’s actually not that. Well sort of,” I sighed. “My life has fit in this box up until now. I did the treatment thing, got out, made friends and found a family but… “

  “But what?”

  “I’m incomplete.”

  “That is Logan’s family. I go home to no one. Alexa keeps me sane, but I know she’s keeping major secrets. I’m tired of my life and I’m not even thirty yet. It’s pathetic. Then everything happened and Gunner, I’m not suicidal but I really don’t have like this strong reason to live either. I mean I was scared to die in that cabin, but not really all that upset about it. Now, I mean I was choked out, I kinda thought I was going to die, and I just… I don’t what to go back to the same old, same old. I can’t handle it. Do you hear me? Do you understand?”

  “I hear you,” Gunner said quietly. “I relate Dana. I…”

  Then we were interrupted by loud screaming in the hallway.

  “GET THE FUCK OVER IT AND LEAVE ME ALONE!” a female voice shrieked.

  “YOU ARE SO FUCKING SELFISH! YOU LEFT ME. BROKE MY STUPID FUCKING HEART ALEX!”

  “Alex...Alexa?” I looked at Gunner curiously and bolted for the hallway. Sam was with Alexa trying to restrain her and Rex was across from them. I ran over to Rex and put my hand on his arm.

  “Hey, come on. Let’s get some air.”

  “Get off me Dana!” he yelled pulling his arm roughly away from me. I slipped backwards due to the sheer force of his pull.

  “Hey!” Gunner yelled appearing out of nowhere and pulling Rex back. “Be careful!”

  “Fuck,” Rex’s body softened and be backed away. “I’m so sorry Dana. Are you okay?”

  I nodded and looked over at Alexa who was still fuming.

  “Fucking assholes. All of you,” she muttered and tried to pull away from Sam. Sam, however, just tightened her grip.

  “I am an asshole,” Sam whispered to her. “But you’re a bitch.”

  Alexa let a smile slip from her lips.

  “Damn I hate that I love you so fucking much.”

  Sam let her go and Alexa softened. Sam, Gunner and I looked back and forth between Rex and Alexa hoping one of them would say something. When it became painfully apparent neither would Gunner cleared his throat.

  “I’ll take each of you to your hotels. Alexa, you sit in back, Rex up front. Can you do that without killing each other?”

  “I came here to check on Dana,” Alexa whined. “And we didn’t change rooms, so we are still in the same fucking hotel room that Logan booked us when he came down.”

  Gunner let out an amused snort.

  “Shut up Gunner! And it’s still fucking weird that you are just out and about now,” Alexa snapped.

  Gunner shot her an extremely dark look. I knew that look so I jumped in and held Gunner’s arm.

  “Okay everyone I think there’s been enough fighting. I get out of the hospital in ten minutes and I just want peace. Please.”

  Everyone went silent and nodded.

  “Sorry Dana,” Alexa mumbled. “I am a bitch.”

  “Yeah,” Sam joked.

 
“Only made worse by rooming with you!”

  “Damn right,” Sam said with a wink.

  “Dear God, my friends are crazy,” I complained as I turned to Gunner, who was silently laughing.

  “I should head out. Dana, I’m glad you are okay, and, well, thank you for saving this idiot,” Rex said playfully nudging Gunner. I waited for Gunner to look annoyed but oddly he didn’t. He just nodded. I wanted to hear from Gunner how he met Rex. I wanted to know more about their relationship.

  “Of course,” I said with a nod. “Thank you for coming. I hope to see you around.”

  He smiled, did some sort of handshake with Gunner and then Gunner walked him to the door, so they could talk before Rex left.

  This left Sam, Alexa and I. Alexa smiled and gave me a tight hug. We were all able to have a heart to heart, but there was definitely unfinished business between me and Sam. After ten minutes of chatting Alexa sensed the tension. She glanced between the two of us and cleared her throat.

  “Well, um, Rex is gone so I’m going to go find out where Gunner went and buy him that meal I promised. Don’t worry Dana, I won’t hit on your guy. He is hot though, even though he’s nuts.”

  “Alexa!” I groaned.

  “Love you girlie.”

  With that she trotted off and left me and Sam alone. I looked at the floor and kicked at my ankles nervously.

  “Want to go in your room?” she asked softly.

  “Sounds good.”

  We both headed in there and she closed the door behind us. Her brown hair had grown longer and the maturity she’d gained the past few years gave her a glow she didn’t have before. Today she just looked tired and stressed out though.

  “Where’s Logan?”

  “Oh, he’s checking on Jazmine. He’ll be back soon. He has me texting him like every hour. He’s so worried about you.”

  “I’m sorry I made you cry. You never cry. I feel horrible.”

  “Don’t be sorry. I just love you too dang much,” she joked. “But yeah, I’d prefer if you could lay low for the next few years. I’m going to be dead by the time I hit thirty-two if you keep going at this rate.”

  “I promise. I’m done with the drama. I never, ever meant for you to get hurt.”

  I got choked up. My voice was strained.