Dissonance

by Drew Elyse

  “Well,” he said, “you don’t exactly pick the deep end of the gene pool.”

  When Charlotte snorted derisively, I decided if she wanted to play games, I would step up to bat. “Well, brains aren’t exactly what I was usually after.”

  Her expression darkened a bit. “Sex should mean something.”

  “You’d be surprised how many women aren’t good for much more,” I offered.

  Alex jumped to her feet. “Anyone need a drink?” She was trying to cover her nerves. Her voice was calm and natural, but her eyes gave her away. Eli didn’t look oblivious to the land mine I’d set off, but he was not pissed at me, either. His focus was exactly where mine was, on Charlotte, and he looked concerned.

  “Someone always gets hurt that way. Or they’re trying to escape things they won’t man up and face,” Charlotte bit out.

  Alex verged on shock. “Char–” she said in a hushed voice.

  Charlotte shut her eyes for just a second and dropped her head. After a few controlled breaths, she said, “I’m sorry. I don’t know what that was.”

  Seeing her bow her head to me, hearing her apologize again just for simply pointing out my many short comings, infuriated me. She felt terrible for no other reason than that I had pushed her. “You shouldn’t apologize so much,” I threw out to her, trying to keep it light of the sake of our audience. “We disagreed about sex. There’s nothing to be sorry for.”

  Charlotte looked up at me, but I did not find the contrite or furious look I had expected. Instead, there was an expression that stopped my heart. The corners of her perfect lips pulled upward ever so slightly, her eyes shone with appreciation. Underneath it was a lingering sadness, though. She looked like a small child given a kiss and a piece of candy after falling and scraping her knee. It made me want to sweep her into my arms and care for her until the last of that sadness was gone from that sweet face.

  Alex, perpetually working towards harmony, jumped back into the conversation then. “How about we go out for a couple drinks?”

  This elicited a snort from Charlotte, which was indescribably adorable.

  “What?” Alex asked.

  “I knew you were going to try to drag everyone out again,” Charlotte responded.

  Alex simply beamed. “Charlotte, you haven’t really been to Seattle until you hit ZigZag. It is swank in that old-school way. I thought of you the minute I walked in.”

  Charlotte inspected her outfit. “I don’t think I’m dressed for ‘swank’ exactly.” Her light blue t-shirt and perfectly fit jeans looked great on her, but she was right. We all needed to change for ZigZag.

  “It’s right near you guys, so we can go back to your place first,” Eli explained.

  Alex pouted prettily, “Please Charlotte?”

  “Alright,” Charlotte caved. I stifled a laugh, remembering that Charlotte had planned to ‘give in’ to Alex today. I could see how her faux reluctance would play to her favor later, giving her the opportunity to claim that she had surrendered to Alex’s will already.

  Apparently, Eli had caught on, too. As soon as Alex bounced down the hall to change, he whispered, “Smooth.”

  “I have learned how to handle her, unlike some people,” Charlotte replied pointedly.

  “Well, with any luck, I’ll have a long time to figure it out,” he grinned devilishly.

  Charlotte’s eyes widened as she stared at her brother in disbelief. “Are you going to propose?”

  “Can’t tell you that, sis.” This earned him a look of disapproval. “You two are too close for you to know. You’ll find out when she does.”

  She pointed an accusative finger in my direction. “Does he know?”

  “I have a name, you know,” I interjected.

  They both ignored me as Eli spoke. “Yeah, he knows.”

  “What the hell?!” Charlotte half-shouted.

  Eli tried to indicate to her to keep it down when Alex came back down the hall. “ʽWhat the hell’ what?” she inquired.

  Charlotte glanced between Eli and myself, and then stood. “Nothing. Apparently this has become a game of boys versus girls,” she explained and followed Alex out of the room.

  “Has she always been such a force of nature?” I asked.

  Eli laughed. “Hurricane Charlotte? Oh yeah.”

  Hurricane Charlotte. Coming in from the east and ravaging my whole world. It was possibly the most accurate nickname I had ever heard.

  Saturday found us all in the exact same position as Friday night. Alex and I were closed in my room while I got ready. The boys were hanging out in the living room, waiting on us.

  “What the hell is up with you and Logan?” Alex asked me point-blank.

  “I don’t know what you’re talking about,” I replied dismissively.

  “Really?” She stared me down. “Do you think I’m stupid?”

  I sighed deeply.

  “Charlotte, I swear to God–”

  “Look, in complete honesty, there is nothing going on between us,” I told her.

  “Then what the hell happened last night and this afternoon?” She asked with a popped hip and crossed arms, looking like the epitome of the pissed-off female.

  Exhausted by the whole messy situation, and at my feeble attempts to operate my curling iron which seemed determined to thwart me, I slammed the vexing device down on the bathroom counter. Alex abandoned her place in the doorway of my en-suit to take over styling my hair. “I don’t know how to describe what I feel with Logan. I’m unnaturally drawn to him. He’s gorgeous, of course, but it is more than that,” I admitted. “On the other hand, nothing can happen.”

  Ever the romantic, Alex was grief-stricken at my last statement. “Why not?”

  “Because we live together, for one,” I began ticking off the reasons on my fingers. “He doesn’t want an attachment, I don’t know if I could handle being in a relationship with him, and because he already said it’s not going to happen.”

  At her look of utter bewilderment, I begrudgingly relayed the entire story including the conversation we’d had in my room the night before, trying to recall everything exactly as it happened. Alex worked away at my hair with the precision and speed only a professional could have. She was rapt with attention through the whole story, waiting to comment until the very end. When I told her about finding him in the kitchen after my morning workout, and about his less than transparent attraction to me, she could not suppress her grin.

  “He wants you.”

  Abashed, my jaw hung open as I stared at her. “Did you not hear the rest of the story?”

  “Just because he’s being hesitant doesn’t mean he won’t give in.”

  “To sex,” I added. “I don’t want just sex. I can’t open myself up to him knowing that that’s all I’ll ever get. He can’t be more, and I can’t be just a convenient fuck.”

  “You’re right,” she admitted. She looked sad and pensive, and I could tell that I had caused her to remember her past of relationships centered on emotionless sex. “But Logan is a good guy underneath everything else. Maybe you’re supposed to change him.”

  “Maybe you are just a hopeless romantic. I’m not strong enough to fix him when I can’t even fix myself.”

  “Hun, I know you aren’t the most optimistic about relationships, and I get why, but don’t count him or yourself out just because of the past.”

  I gave her a small nod, but made no promises. The fact was I did count myself out. I had counted myself out a long time ago. My past was too dark, too messy, and had too strong of a hold on me to make me a good choice for someone normal like Logan. I could never make him happy, and I knew that. On top of all of that, there was my trepidation where sex was concerned. How could I please Logan, who had enough experience to desire better?

  After a quick application of make-up, Alex smiled at me. “You look great. Let’s go before the boys get too impatient.”

  When we entered the living room, it was clear we had already taken too long for the
ir liking. Eli immediately got to his feet, “About time.”

  Alex chuckled and planted a kiss on Eli’s cheek to placate him. “My fault, babe.” He didn’t seem to mind much afterwards.

  With Eli’s back to him, Logan made no effort to conceal his expression as his perused my mid-thigh length black dress. “Ready to go?”

  How the hell could he make such a simple question sound so sexy?

  We rode the elevator down to the underground garage and through the aisles to Logan’s car. I moved out of instinct to the backseat, not particularly wanting to share the front with Logan, causing him to jest, “What? You don’t want to sit by me?”

  Alex, covering for me, jumped in. “Why would she want to do that when she can sit next to me?” Eli climbed in the passenger seat without comment while I slid in behind him. The ride was thankfully short, hardly worth driving if it weren’t for the heels Alex and I were donning per her insistence.

  Zig Zag Café was classy, but comfortable. The bartenders were all clad in simple white dress shirts and black vests. The lighting was dim but not so much that you could not see, and there was a single red rose adorning each table.

  Because of my limited experience with well prepared cocktails, I allowed Alex to order for me. The rest of the table took care of ordering from the menu of appetizers as well. It was an odd feeling, since it had been so long since anyone else had taken care of things for me. I had been on my own for so long, doing everything for myself. Then, suddenly I moved, and people were there trying to care for me. I hadn’t been as gracious as I should have for that. I’d been difficult, particularly with Logan. I needed to start showing them that I did appreciate their care.

  Once we had drinks and food before us, Alex looked up at me with a grin that was both dazzling and heavy with mischief. She delicately placed her phone, which she had been using quite a bit in the short time since we had left the apartment, on the table before speaking. “So, one of my coworkers has a seriously gorgeous brother. He’s 28, totally the straight-laced, all-American-boy type. He’s super focused on his career and doesn’t like to go trolling bars to meet women when he’s got free time. I gave him your number.”

  My right hand to God, I could have slapped her. “Why?”

  “Because you’re both young, hot, and single for no good reason,” she replied indignantly.

  “I don’t even know this guy! Do you even know him? Or are you just going off of what his sister told you?”

  “I’ve met him. His name is Leo. He’s great, I promise.”

  I groaned. “Alex, I don’t want to date. My life is all up in the air without adding that to the list.”

  “What’s up in the air? You’re here, you’ve got a great job lined up,” she began.

  “I don’t know anything about getting around here, or where anything is. I need to find an apartment…”

  My brain-to-mouth filter had apparently failed to keep up with me. I had no intention of telling Eli about my apartment hunt, and then I’d just spit it out like nothing.

  Eli tried to play it cool. “Apartment?”

  With a deep breath, I tried to formulate a reasonable argument. “Well, I’m sure Logan doesn’t want me taking over half of his place for long.”

  “I don’t mind. It’s nice having you around,” Logan said, nonchalantly sipping his drink.

  “I’m not like… actively searching. More just keeping my eyes open. Casually checking out the options,” I lied. I had already logged hours hunting all over the internet for good places. Whether Eli bought it or not, he dropped it for the moment.

  A little while later, while Eli had excused himself, Alex came back to the topic of my love life. “You should go out with Leo. It’ll make you feel more like you really live here if you start making a life.”

  “If I were to even consider dating someone, it would be someone I know. I’m not attempting the blind date thing.”

  “He’s not like a complete stranger,” Alex reasoned. “Eli and Logan know him, too.”

  “What?” Logan didn’t sound like he knew anything.

  “He works with you guys,” Alex supplied.

  “Oh… yeah, that Leo,” was Logan’s only response. There was a notable menace in his voice as he toyed with the glass in front of him.

  I looked from him, staring down at the table, to Alex, who looked smug. Suddenly, I understood. Her goal wasn’t to find me a date; it was to make Logan jealous. And, much to my surprise, it was working.

  Looking disgruntled, Logan said, “Leo seems pretty uptight. He’s a working stiff.”

  Finding a surprising amount of enjoyment in Alex’s game, I decided to play along. “There’s nothing wrong with work ethic.”

  At that point, he crossed into full-out brooding. “He seems like an asshole, if you ask me.”

  “Well, he has your number. You can decide for yourself when he calls,” Alex closed the discussion just as Eli returned. I started to wonder if she didn’t want him involved in it.

  Lighter conversation filled in after that. Alex told me all about her job at the salon; Eli talked about working for Logan’s father’s company. His job was pretty cushy and paid really well. I made a mental note to thank Logan for pulling whatever strings he had to in order to get Eli a job there without a college degree. I held it back for the moment though, because he was still silently brooding.

  After a while, Alex stood, announcing that she had to use the restroom. She didn’t walk away though, just stood there watching me like she was waiting for something.

  “What?” I asked.

  “Come with me,” she replied, giving me a look that told me not to question her. I wanted to laugh at her sudden transformation back into a sixteen year-old.

  “You can’t manage it alone?” Eli teased.

  “No. Who knows what kind of people I might run into,” she quipped back.

  I laughed, hearing the warning Eli had always given me as a teenager thrown back at him. Apparently, Alex had heard the same lecture a few times.

  Dragging me across the bar to the bathroom, Alex was almost giddy. “Did you see how pissed he was? He can’t stand the thought of someone else taking you out! God, I could kiss Leo right now for being so serious and discrete at work.”

  “What are you on about?”

  “Leo’s gay! His boyfriend, Justin, works with me at the salon. Leo’s always super serious at work because people can’t be so prejudiced against him due to his sexuality. They’re both totally up to playing along. Leo will take you out and everything. It’s so perfect.” She was nearly euphoric.

  “What exactly are you hoping to achieve?”

  “Honey, I’m already achieving what I hoped for. He couldn’t be more jealous. I just want him to see that if he doesn’t step up and make a move, someone else will.”

  I gave her a stern look. “Alex, I don’t want more from him either,” I reminded her.

  “Oh, really? Then why did you play along? Your comment about work ethic pushed him further than anything I said.”

  Realizing, but not wanting to admit, that she was right caused me to walk away. I left the bathroom to return to our table, only to find it had been invaded by a tall, skinny blonde in an almost indecently sort pink dress.

  She released a transparent, toothy laugh as her hand came to rest on Logan’s arm. My mind could only form one word: skank.

  Ordinarily, I would have detested running into Kayla without warning, particularly with Charlotte around. But, in light of all the discussion of her potential relationship with Leo, Kayla’s annoying yammering was a welcome distraction from my musings about firing and maiming the son-of-a-bitch.

  “Logan, sweetie! I didn’t expect to see you here!” she trilled in that obnoxiously saccharine voice I tried to forget.

  Holding back the truth that I preferred it that way, I muttered half-heartedly “Hello.” Eli refused to even acknowledge the woman he’d complained about on more than one occasion.

  Kayla said somet
hing then that I didn’t catch. I had been completely distracted by Charlotte emerging from the bathroom. She watched as Kayla threw her head back and laughed, placing a manicured hand on my arm. I’ll admit to a smug sense of retribution when I saw her freeze. I was waiting for her to turn green, to feel the choking jealousy I had been subjected to. But Charlotte didn’t react that way. If the short time I had known her had been any indication, I should have known better than to expect anything.

  Her eyes dropped and she shook her head ever so slightly, as though it was to herself. When her head rose, her face was blank, completely expressionless. It was as though she had gone on autopilot and checked out.

  Alex appeared behind her and looked immediately furious when her eyes landed on Kayla. She started talking quickly to Charlotte, who just gave short answers and remained stoic. With a side-long glance at me that contained all of the animosity a single look could muster, Alex led Charlotte back to our table.

  Kayla was prattling on again when they took their seats. Alex and Kayla exchanged uncharitable glances before Kayla asked, “Who’s she?” She indicated Charlotte with ill-disguised judgment.

  “Charlotte,” I replied reproachfully, disliking her tone. “She’s my-“

  “Roommate,” Charlotte broke in. I had meant to say friend, but I suspected that she did not want to align herself with me.

  “Hm. Well, I should go, sweetie.” Kayla leaned in to kiss me. The last thing I saw was Alex’s eyes roll. In all honesty, I would have done the same. I’d ended whatever bullshit I had with Kayla months ago because I was tired of her crazy need to lay claim to me. That, and I couldn’t take her god awful voice anymore.

  When Kayla had finally flounced away, Alex spoke, her voice dripping with sarcasm and disgust. “Sweetie, huh?”

  “You use pet-names all the time,” I pointed out, despite knowing I was only making things worse by defending Kayla.

  “I am not a slut,” she bit out.

  Eli sighed. “Let’s not rehash the same old argument.”

  From that point on, Eli seemed singularly focused on drawing Charlotte out. He may or may not have caught onto why she had pulled away, but he recognized in her what I had, a complete emotional retreat. There was no question at all that I was the cause.