Dissonance

by Drew Elyse

  “Don’t give me that look, Eli,” I said when I reached them, still trying to catch my breath.

  He threw his hands up in a mock-defensive pose and smiled at me. Seeing Logan standing there made it impossible for me to smile back in kind. “Hey, what’s wrong?”

  I was forced to look down to keep myself from glancing over at Logan. Your fucking best friend, that’s what’s wrong, I wanted to shout. Instead, I swallowed back my venom, trying to ignore the nagging thought that by moving me in with Logan, Eli had fed me to the wolf. “I’m fine.”

  I pretended not to hear the stifled sigh Eli gave in response, and his sidelong glance at Logan.

  Leading the way back to Logan’s car, I climbed into the back driver’s side. I did not want a clear view of Logan’s profile the entire ride home. Of course, I hadn’t factored in the rear-view mirror. I noticed with bristling irritation that Logan was intermittently glancing back at me through it. The look in his eyes each time infuriated me the most. He was upset. Maybe you should have been more concerned before you took me to bed last night, I thought.

  “Logan told me about karaoke night,” Eli said conversationally. I just shrugged and stared out of my window. “Damn it all, Charlotte. I’m going to find out what’s wrong.”

  We had pulled to a stop at an intersection and I met Logan’s eyes in the mirror as I spoke. “I’m just not entirely sure that this move was a good idea,” I answered, hoping to get both of them off of my back. Logan could tell by my words and the sharp way that I glared at him that I placed blame on him for my discomfort with the move. He pulled his gaze from mine as the light changed, and I was left trying to decipher the look that had crept into his eyes at my vehement words. It looked like pain, and I was rendered speechless.

  Eli spent the afternoon at the apartment with us. He helped me unpack the last few boxes that had arrived over the last few days, told me about his week and badgered me until he knew everything there was to know about my new job. I lightened up considerably over the course of the day, both because I loved being around my brother, and because Logan had been notably absent from my room the entire afternoon.

  As evening drew in on us, Logan popped into my room to offer to grab everyone dinner. The moment the front door closed behind him, Eli turned to me.

  “Well?” he asked.

  “Well, what?”

  “Are you going to tell me what the hell is going on with you two?”

  I looked him straight in the eyes and knew there was no point in pretending Logan and I were cool. “No.”

  “Well then, I’ll have to see how close my impression is,” he kicked back, making himself perfectly comfortable in my desk chair while I sat cross-legged on the bed.

  “I think there’s been tension brewing between you two since the beginning. He’s staying away, and you don’t like it.” I just stared at him, revealing nothing. “I know he likes you, or he wouldn’t have been so aggressive towards Leo all week. But you need to keep in mind that maybe he’s keeping a distance because it’s better that way.”

  I really could not have said anything in that moment. I may have been pissed at Logan, but I wouldn’t risk his friendship with Eli by telling my brother that he had actually made a move. That he’d nearly gotten me naked. That he would have had everything if I hadn’t backed out.

  “Just… try to hold on to that.”

  When Logan returned with food, the three of us ate together in the kitchen. I noticed both men watching the progress I was not making.

  “Aren’t you hungry after that work out?” Eli tried and failed to mask his worry with curiosity.

  “No, I’m just tired,” I answered.

  Eli knew me well enough to call my bluff. I always lost my appetite when I was upset. It had been that way since I was little. There was no reason to lie about it, but it kept him from pressing the issue.

  Soon after dinner, Eli decided to get home to Alex. Logan would have to drive him back, so he went to get his shoes. When he left, Eli pulled me into a bear hug.

  “I know you aren’t adjusted. I know things aren’t going as well as you hoped, but I’m so glad you’re here, Lottie.” Something in his voice revealed that he wasn’t just talking about me being in Seattle. He was thinking about the Patrón incident, how it could have ended very differently.

  With my emotions running wild all day, I almost couldn’t take his quiet admission. I tightened my hold on the one person who had been with me through everything. For the first time since the fluorescent lights hit my eyes in the hospital, I was glad I had woken up that day. For his sake.

  When the boys left, I showered again and crawled, exhausted, into bed. I tried to keep all of the emotions of the day at bay. I felt awful that I had even momentarily blamed Eli for what had happened between Logan and I. All he wanted was to make me happy. Even if he was woefully misguided sometimes, I knew I was lucky to have him.

  Logan came to my door after he got back. He tapped lightly on it and softy called my name through the barrier. Luckily, I had already shut off the lights, so I pretended to have already fallen asleep. I had nothing to say to him.

  Shortly after that, I heard him at the piano, but I made a conscious effort to ignore the sound until I fell into a less than stellar sleep.

  After trying and failing to talk to Charlotte Saturday night, it seemed as though she had all but cut me out of her life. Since it was what she wanted, I made it easy for her to ignore me. Between overtime at the office, practicing with the band and hours at the rehearsal space finally writing some new material, I hardly spent any time at the apartment. It took all of my self-control to ignore the desperate desire to beg, plead, do anything necessary to get her to listen to me. I knew it was futile to try, but damn if I didn’t want to anyway. Charlotte was not going to come around because of a little pitiful begging, though. No, she needed something much bigger. Something she couldn’t ignore.

  Come Thursday, Eli knew something was up. He’d picked Charlotte up from work every day. When he came into my office for lunch, per usual, I knew right away we weren’t in for a chummy conversation or amiable silence.

  “Look,” he began agitatedly, “you need to sort out your shit with Char. You both need to stop acting like fucking children and playing this avoidance game. It’s stupid.”

  I knew it was. I wouldn’t begin to deny that our joint mission to avoid each other at all costs was something petulant teens would do, but of all people who should know that just trying to sit his sister down and talk about it was not going to work.

  “That’s why I want her at the show tomorrow night. It’ll give me a way to apologize without having to tie her to a damn chair. Hell, I doubt she’d even listen if I did that. I need something she can’t ignore, or she’ll just keep shrugging me off.”

  Charlotte, who I’d had a pseudo-conversation with the day before, had said she was going to come to see the band. Actually, she’d said, “Eli told me I’m going with him to your show Friday night.” Obviously, not where I had hoped our relationship would be by that point, but at least she was going. Of course, when I tried to have a light conversation with her after that, she half-pleaded with me to leave her alone.

  If only it were that easy. Though, I think part of me had known it wouldn’t be that way between us since day one. She called to me with her sad eyes, her Earth-shaking voice, and that shy blush that loved to graze her cheeks. When I closed my eyes, I could still see her standing at the end of my piano. As long as I live, I will remember that moment, and it will never cease to rip my heart open. That memory was all that kept me fighting. Charlotte felt through song, too. If I had any hope of reaching her at all, music was the way.

  Eli looked a little somber. “You might have a slight problem.”

  “What?”

  “I can’t go tomorrow.”

  Fuck. “Why not?”

  “The salon is having a party for the staff and loyal customers or some shit like that. I completely forgot about it. If I’
m not there, Alex will castrate me without a second thought.”

  Despite the fact that I had yet to own up to the deep, burning feelings I was harboring for his baby sister, Eli seemed inclined to help me. He promised to get Charlotte out to the show, though his motivation wasn’t entirely clear. I had not heard another warning about staying away from her. Maybe Eli did not understand my ultimate goal, but I doubted that. I considered asking if our friendship would be alright if things developed with Charlotte, but it would be useless if I couldn’t convince her in the first place. Dealing with Eli’s feelings about it would have to come later.

  When I finally got home close to midnight, I was irritable to say the least. After a full day of worrying about getting her to come to the show, the guys would not stop giving me crap about my plan for Charlotte. When Tyler made a crack about her pussy being made of gold, I walked out.

  As I made my way past Charlotte’s room, I could hear the gentle strains of a guitar. I paused, and then there it was: the voice that I had been dreaming of all week. I was frozen on the spot. Knowing that she wouldn’t let me in and that she would stop if she knew I was listening, I just stood beyond the closed door. There was no chance of me leaving. I had this vague sense that if I tried walking away from the hypnotic sound, it might actually have killed me. Eventually, I just sunk to the ground right there in the hall, my back against the wall, listening. It felt like God was speaking to me through that damn door. My salvation, so close, yet so far away.

  In less than 24 hours, I would – hopefully – get through to her at last. I would tell her what I felt in a language that we both understood instinctually. I knew that if she was the person that I thought she was, I would be able to reach her. If not… I tried not to think about that possibility too much. I was starting to think that I could fall in the love with the girl I saw in her, and I could think of nothing more fucking monumental.

  She made me want to fight my way through Hell to prove my worthiness. Not that I actually thought that I was worthy, but I would rather die in the attempt than give her up.

  Step one down that road was officially ending things with everyone else. Kayla, Aly, Jessica, Amanda, I told every one of them that those days were over. Just making the calls made it obvious why Charlotte doubted my intentions. Of course I knew I was a mess, but I’d found it easier to ignore before Charlotte came into my life. She made me see my many short comings with vivid clarity. She made me want to be as close to perfect as I could manage, for her and for myself.

  Friday at the office, Eli told me he wasn’t sure what Charlotte would do. Apparently, she’d been pretty stand-offish about the whole idea. I sat at my desk for over an hour accomplishing absolutely nothing, thinking only of how desperately I needed her in that club. I knew she was not working and would probably spend the entire day coming up with a list of concrete reasons to just stay home. I couldn’t take that chance. I gave in and called her myself.

  She answered on the second ring instead of letting it go to voicemail like I expected. “Hello?”

  “Hi.” It was the first thing I had said to her since the ill-fated conversation over Wednesday’s breakfast.

  “Aren’t you at work?” she asked dryly.

  “I just wanted to make sure you were coming tonight.”

  She hesitated. “I don’t know.”

  “Please, Charlotte.” I wasn’t above begging. I wasn’t above much of anything anymore. “I’d really like you to be there.”

  “Oh?” She didn’t have to add “Why should I care what you want?” It was clear in her tone.

  “Please,” I repeated.

  “Fine.” Not as enthused as I would have liked, but I’d take it.

  I ended the call relieved. She was coming. I still had my shot. Plus, Eli wouldn’t be there for me to contend with. I returned to my work, my mind traveling back to our night together and hoping I would have another chance to kiss her before the night was over.

  After Logan’s unexpected call, and my even more unexpected concession to his request, I decided to spend the afternoon being pampered. I called Alex’s salon and asked to speak to her.

  “Do you have an opening this afternoon?” I asked.

  “I don’t have anything booked yet, I was just counting on walk-ins. Why? What do you want done?”

  “Everything.”

  Alex was ecstatic, as I expected. “I’ll block off the afternoon! This is going to be awesome!”

  So, I found myself in the chic, white, and yet still welcoming entrance of Salon 54 a few hours later. The white walls were paired with chrome stations, muted-color photography, and black accents. While the receptionist, a petite woman with copper-colored hair, went to grab Alex, I admired how perfectly Alex fit in here.

  “Earth to Charlotte,” Alex called, reaching her arm out to lead me to her station.

  “You are way too excited about this,” I commented, noting the buzz about her.

  “Hey, you came to me. You can’t fault me for enthusiasm.”

  On her station was a silver frame with a picture I was horrified to realize I recognized. It was taken at my high school graduation. Eli, brimming with misplaced pride, insisted on getting a picture with me in my gap and gown, even thought all I wanted was to get out of the hot sun and the ridiculous get up. “Lottie,” he’d said, “the valedictorian is obligated to take a picture with her brother. Just shut up and smile.” He’d sealed a copy of that photo and brought it to our mom’s grave a week later.

  Seeing him so happy and proud made my heart ache. I loved my brother, and he had given up so much for me over the years. I wish he had never needed to step up that way. He used to get so upset over how self-sufficient I was, but all I wanted was to lessen the burden on him. Sighing inwardly, I returned the photo to its place.

  Alex was looking into the frame from over my shoulder. “I love that picture. Eli looks so happy and you’re all sass. It’s perfect.”

  “He’s so frustrating.”

  “Yeah,” Alex grinned, “I love him, too. Now, what are we doing with you?”

  When I left the salon that evening, I felt like a whole new person. I’d had my eyebrows waxed, my nails and toes done, my hair cut and styled, and, for some reason I couldn’t begin to explain, a bikini wax. Alex had eyed me suspiciously – though gratefully kept her mouth shut – when I made that request. Bizarre decisions aside, I felt fabulous.

  Logan returned, unbidden, to my thoughts. The last thing I wanted was to go to his show. After all, images of his hands on my body still haunted me. What good could seeing him onstage with a guitar do? It was no secret that I was attracted to musicians. There were few things as hot as a guy with an instrument if you ask me. Did I need that image of Logan on top of the back log my mind already kept on record?

  Still, I did have fierce willpower on my side. Stubbornness may not be endearing, but it had gotten me that far. I would go to his show and I would make him see what he was missing out on. I’d make him see how little he affected me. No. I’d make him see that he hadn’t affected me at all.

  My plan of attack was already in progress. My hair looked perfect, and when I got home I would find the best outfit I could. I’d get his attention and pretend I found him as interesting as the paint on the walls. Trying to shake off the negative thoughts about how I wasn’t hot enough to make that kind of impression, I walked back to the apartment with new purpose. Alex would have been proud.

  When I got in, I saw that Logan must have stopped by after work. His acoustic guitar was gone and there was a note on the counter.

  Charlotte,

  Please take a cab tonight. I don’t want to worry.

  Yours,

  Logan

  Yours? Since when?

  Under the note was cash to pay for the cab he insisted I take. His note pissed me off like nothing else. He didn’t want to worry? Why the hell would he worry? We were nothing to each other. He had no reason to worry about me.

  And yet, he said he would anywa
y.

  I slammed the note down in frustration, but decided to grab the money he’d left. A cab honestly did sound better that waiting around for the bus.

  Come 7:30, I was ready. I had spent more time than I wanted to admit staring at my closet, trying to decide on what to wear. My eyes kept being dragged back to one particular item, though. I just could not seem to stop considering the white dress I had bought on my “date” with Leo. Justin’s words kept playing in my mind. “Just think how great it would be to be able to pull all of his attention to you; to leave all of those other bitches helpless… That is what you could do with this dress.” Eventually, I could not leave it hanging there. Wearing it did the trick, though. For once, even I would have said I looked good. I actually felt confident enough to face what was coming. It was an unfamiliar sensation, and exactly what I needed.

  The club Logan’s band, Scoundrels and Saints, was playing at was a regular hole-in-the-wall; the type of place where you felt unsure about touching anything with your bare skin. I was only placated into ordering a drink when I saw that they were served in disposable plastic cups. I wouldn’t have trusted glasses to be clean.

  Beer in hand, I moved toward the stage and grabbed a table off to the side. It was relatively secluded and I liked that. I fingered the pass Logan had left at the door for me which got me unlimited drinks and access backstage. I had no intention of using it for the latter purpose, but a few drinks would probably be helpful.