After Forever

by Krystal McLaughlin

  In this stride of constantly moving time every little bit of me was craving to be a mother. Those innocent veracious eyes, little playful palm, stubbornness to rule fate has always lured me. These kids have already made a kinship with me and all I wanted was to take them home to give them every happiness that they deserved but somehow have been kept away from. I wanted to make them forget their anathematized past and give them a pulchritudinous beginning for a new chapter of their life and embellish their future. Though adopting two kids simultaneously would not be easy but neither had they wanted to be set apart nor I sought to add to their miseries. I was striving for over one year now to be with them doing whatever could have been possible.

  I smiled at them and kissed their cheeks holding their tiny little fingers. Their steward instructed them and they left to pack their bags. I was called to complete the fiscal paperwork. Unable to take my eyes off their emblazing faces I turned towards the office. I have brought all the required documents as my attorney has suggested me. After completing the paperwork the superintendent gave me a handful of instructions and finally said “Congratulations! Ms. Snow, these kids are officially yours now! We hope you will take proper care of them.”

  I could not believe finally it has happened after all this I have gone through, I was taking my kids home. To have all that I've ever wanted instantly shot down created a sick feeling in my stomach. I picked their little bags and moved at a slow pace marking my steps with the little feet of my beautiful sweet kids towards my comet all set to be a family.

  (2)

  Before adopting I have shifted from my studio apartment to a three bedroom flat. I had also done a little shopping for the double doses of happiness but I needed to shop a little more especially for Little. I had rehabilitated the interior of her room to pink “She would love it” I said to myself.

  I showed Angel and Little their room. They seemed happy though they were very quiet but change of place and eerie past experiences explained that. I made a list of their favorites so to make them feel at ease. I tried a lot to converse with them, to make them harmonize and acclimatized with the new surroundings.

  I was preparing their bed for the night after dinner when the doorbell rang. I rushed towards the door, I knew it would be Clay, my love. I was sure he would be excited to meet the kids though he would have never imagined that there will be two of them. I was ecstatic to see his reaction, the wondering glint in his eyes when he will look at me, arraying his brows in surprise. I was sure that the kids were going to love him too.

  I opened the door and like always Clay hold my waist with his one hand and his other hand folded my arm at my back tingling his fingers around and his juicy exotic lips rested upon mine making my heart flutter. Lost in my utter excitement I entwined into him real hard and tears of joy of finally being a mother rolled down my cheeks. He kissed my cheeks and we moved towards the kid’s room. Little was sitting on the bed playing with her favorite doll managing her hairs with her soft little hands.

  “Her name is Little, isn’t she cute?” I said turning towards Clay, and to my amazement I found his eyes filled with joy. He was excited to see Little. He reached her and introduced himself to her. She smiled in the sweetest little curve I have ever seen and nodded at him without a word.

  I sat with Little while Clay went to revive up himself. I heard some noises from the other room, promising Little to be back in a tiny second I went to the other room.

  I saw Clay yelling vociferously “who are you? Why you broke into the house?”

  Angel was quivering in fear unable to comprehend with the situation. The stiff clasp of Clay was maiming him.

  In A flash of ire and appall gushed through me, making me screech in a raucous pitch “Clay, leave him, now!!”

  Clay looked at me startled, processing my vicious reaction he arrayed his brows at me.

  I dashed toward sobbing Angel and squeezed him in my arms canoodling his forehead trying to calm him down, assuring him everything was impeccably fine.

  I took him to his room and he composed himself in a while.

  I introduced him to Clay “Angel, meet Uncle Clay who is tremendously and awfully apologetic for his thoughtless obliviousness for not being acquainted of your presence.” I eyed Clay dejectedly in rile.

  “Hello buddy! I am exceedingly repentant for all that happened and look I have something for you that might bring back that stunning but missing smile. We are going to be great friends.” Clay said and dragged a wrapped gift out of his bag.

  Angel grabbed it and said “Thank you Uncle Clay”. He was so fervent to unwrap his gift that he has forgotten every other thing. His eyes were gleaming with inexpressible excitement. He was incessantly beaming while unwrapping his gift.

  Clay took out another gift and handed it over to Little and muttered “kids!” nodding his head wryly. He was very considerate to bring two gifts to save himself from the wrong guesses. I have not told him that I was adopting two kids so that I could surprise him, though it did not went as planned but still everything was fine.

  After resting the kids on their bed we moved to our room. I stood by the window pane glaring the dark dim sky filled with twinkling petite stars while Clay was setting the bed.

  He grabbed my waist tickling his suave fingers on the short of my back nibbling my earlobe brushing his mellifluous velvety lips all over my neck, he asked me “where you are lost Prim (?) Is everything fine?”

  “I am feeling remarkably terrific baby.” I said sweeping my lips over his lotus eyes.

  “Clay Have you ever thought Why every bright day is followed by a small dark night (?), to let us know that even in the gloomiest mazes and the shadiest phases of life, there will always be an incandescent star to escort us towards the veracious direction and all we have to do is look after it, be in its vicinity and let it reach us.” I said gazing on the thousands of twinkling stars escaping the darkness filling the environ.

  Clay up straightened my chin and said “Prim, baby do not let some sad past ruin the beautiful today, live, laugh cause this beautiful smile is worth million and two lovable little kids are here to adsorb all your love and fill your void with their impish elfin deeds.”

  Clay was right I have to stop those flashes from ruining everything. I could never erase from my mind the deadly accident that made me lost my family my darling husband and my yet to be born baby. There is nothing that pierces a heart of a mother more than losing an unborn child. It’s been five years but feels like it was only tomorrow when we were going for the dinner and all that happened. I do not know how I make it out, escaped death… unfortunately and was anathematized to live alone and wailing for like forever.

  It’s been four years for me and Clay have been together. It was Clay who gathered the left shattered bits of me after all that and taught me to move ahead, to live, and most of all to smile. To know that you are not alone to fight and rise above in a battle always warms us escalating our potential. Faith is very prevailing, it can make us or destroy us. Clay was that support, that faith I had for this meaningless life and he gave it a meaning. I will always be in his debt for everything he has done for me.

  Finally the gaping void of losing a child also seemed about to be filled. Angel and Little were new chapters of my life and I was excited for it.

  (3)

  After 45 days…

  “I won’t eat cereals. I won’t eat salad. I won’t eat jam bread. I am bored of all this boring stuff. Why don’t you learn to make something else? Don’t you love us? If you didn’t have time for us then why you brought us here. You all are the same” Little yelled at me.

  “Baby it’s just………”

  “Prim bring me some new games, I don’t have any” Angel screeched utterly snubbing me which made Little giggle.

  “But Angel I have brought you two last week only” I replied.

  “Damn!! Lily is right!! You don’t even like us, you just brought us here for your amusement.” Angel said snapping the door behind
as he left the house.

  I was shaken and clueless for what to do next, how to react, with my eyes filled with sour water, somehow I composed myself and whispered “Lily…….”

  But I was interrupted by her yell “Oh! Please, now what (?) aren’t you happy enough!!?” she said and followed Angel.

  I was entirely clueless what I have done to make them hate me so much. I utterly and irrevocably loved them, I would do everything for them but the present circumstances were getting out of my control. Every pint of my splintered soul was crying to pounder them with every tiny wish they have ever dreamt of, to saturate their life with divine happiness and even more than that like they have living in a fairy tale, but life is certainly not a fairy tale or possibly I was a wicked debauched bitch. I may not have given birth to them physically but I loved them nothing less than a real mother would have. There was a very unfathomable and intense bond between us but it seemed like I need to prove myself to them that the absence of the their attachment with my umbilical cord and not giving birth to them, doesn’t mean I love them any less, that my affection for them was mundane or selfish. But they were not the same kids as they seemed when I first met them.

  It was one of those times when I was deep into self-hatred. What I have done to my kids, I always cursed god for taking my child away from me, for escaping me from the uttermost honor of being a mother but now I was realizing I does not deserved to be one. I tried so hard even before the beginning to bring all pleasure that can lure a kid make them the luckiest of their age, to make their wish come alive before the words can shape it but I was a failure, I did nothing but hone their pain. I started doing two jobs to give them happiness but money is never enough cause our needs are endless, they grow faster than fungi.

  I was so much upset and broken, I called Clay but he had already left for work, even if he had not he would not have spoken to me, I know. I have made him hate me too. I even do not understand what made him think that I will cheat on him, that I do not want him in my life. It was so good between us but what have I done, in hardly a month I have ruined my life and made myself alone once again, the only difference being before all those who loved me were killed, and now I have killed all the love I had. Moon has always been the symbol of beauty serenity but it too has spots …spots of life, cause every living soul makes mistakes and I was no exception.

  With an absent mind I left home for the office, though I knew I would not be able to work like I have not written a word for the about to approach deadline on my broken laptop (Of course! Thanks to my kids). I was traumatized with the web of life consuming me deliberately and excruciatingly piece by piece, day and night. I was left with absolutely no hope for my life and was just trying to gather some courage from the faces of my kids who utterly hated me. But no matter how much they say they hate or despise me, I was like a puppy, bouncing back for more just so that I can be near them, loving and nurturing them.

  (4)

  “Happy birthday to you!!”

  I was lost in the depths of dream world when I woke up chaotically with the sound of the birthday song to find myself sleeping on the floor of the living room, maybe while vacuuming all the mess up. I looked up in utter amazement to find Angel, Little and Clay with my favorite Chocolate - truffle cake. In the series of events I have forgotten my birthday but they remembered it.

  I raised my upper eyelids widening my gaping eyes and tears started rolling out but Clay held me and said “Not today Prim! It is your day princess.” Clay kissed my cheeks and gave me a laptop. I was so pleased and elated. My laptop broke last week and I desperately needed one and at this moment it was the most apt present possible.

  The kids came to me and I knelt to hug them, they said “Love you mom, this is for you.” I got so much touched by their considerate gesture, it was surely my best birthday! My little kids have brought me something, I was so enthusiastic to open it. It was a writing software “WordsAlive– make your words come alive!”

  “Oh! Sweeties I love you both so much” I said embracing them holding the tears of joy.

  Sometimes it is not the surprise itself that surprises us but the magic lies in being cared about, being cherished and treasured and still be loved after everything.

  But surprise is a short lived emotion not more than a blink on the radar, I did not know how long it will color my black and white life but today I will relish every single color of it.

  (5)

  The submission date was approaching near and I have not written a single word yet. I was feeling blank, nowadays I was tired almost all the time as if I could never be at peace. The most difficult task was to squeeze time from my hectic schedule. I was working for almost 14 hours a day and the house chores ate the rest time. I was not getting even enough sleep. Two nannies have already left and finding another nanny was like impossible now.

  It was almost midnight, and I was lying on my stomach in my bed with the quilts drawn right over my head like a tent. I picked up the software kids have gifted me on my birthday and played the DVD. I installed it and the message flashed “enjoy your story with WordsAlive - make your words come alive”. The interface was cool and flaccid, I have written hardly 90 words when Angel and Little came shouting “Prim! We want to play game.”

  “It’s quite late sweeties, go to your bed else you would be late for school.” I said.

  “Just one game then we will go to bed please please please!!!” they said making puppy face leaving me with no choice but to say yes.

  After a series of games I was finally able to make them to sleep.

  I came back to my room so tired that my eyes were dropping and my mind was blocked. I started writing again but nothing made sense. I backspaced everything and all I can write was “The Wicked Children”

  There was a huge tornado going inside me but I was totally cool, calm and collected at my exterior. I have started losing my composure and I was repenting for the atrocious vile day when I adopted them. Sometimes I wondered how it was even possible. One minute they acts like perfect little angels and the next they were bossing me around mercilessly, ignoring my advices on any matter, or looking me squarely in the eye and swearing that they have done nothing wrong, which is nothing more than a lie. They lied to me on my face when they broke the laptop and when they manipulated Clay without the slightest wrinkle of any regret or remorse. They were one of those difficult child who can’t be mend and I was like those evil emotionless and mean stepmother who ill-treats her children.

  I was full of hatred, for myself and for everyone else as if I could never bestow them with enough, they somehow find something or the other to blame me for, they were totally insatiable. Their plutonic behavior, rudeness was wounding me irreplaceably. There are some wounds so profound, so sore that they inflict a lifelong psychological scar void of healing.

  My fingers started typing themselves pouring the immense pain stored inside my aching heart. I was suffering for a love that was not worth it.

  Finally I ended with “And she never saw them again. The End”

  (6)

  I woke up with the buzzing alarm. As my routine spoke I started doing my jobs. I freshened up, brushed my teeth, cleaned the house carefully and prepared the breakfast. Sometimes the best we can do is not ponder, not wonder, not envisage, not obsess, just inhale and have faith that everything will work out for the best. I was on the self-motivation clock today. If I might have been a driver of my fate then I might have moved the chariot of time in a different direction, but no one writes their best or worst moments, moreover I loved the kids, surely this love has become quite mundane recently but I wanted to give it a new start.

  It was quite late but Angel and Little still did not came out of their room. I called them but got no reply. I went to Angel’s room but he was not there, so I went to Lily’s room afraid what had made them upset now.

  I knocked at Little’s door but as I expected there was not any reply. Finally I entered after waiting for a long while, but to my surpri
se the room was vacant.

  I panicked and rushed to the washroom but it was open. So I searched every petite corner of the house but they were nowhere.

  “They must have gone to school” I mumbled to myself though I had a feeling something was not right. It is said that our mind is more inclined towards the negative aspects and that was happening with me at this moment. My every neuron was filled with baseless negative thoughts, I tried to compose myself and decide to wait till the evening and so that the time could water the fire burning the relations.

  I took an off from work as I was having a plutonic feeling of being draped in a sly web, I could never come out of moreover it could be the best time to write for the deadline, I had wasted the last night too so this day was a bliss for me.“Sometimes being alone, on your own is not so lonely”, I mumbled to myself. I went upstairs to my room to grab my laptop and start writing as soon as possible, and hopefully finish it before evening so that I am left with editing only. I moved towards my study table, in the corner towards the left but my laptop was not there. I looked for it everywhere even in the kid’s room but could not find it.

  I was in shock, how was it even possible. The thought of last night made me tremble. I hurried towards my phone to call their friends. I called almost every person they have ever spoken to but none has seen them, at least not after yesterday.

  I called Clay but he did not responded so I left him a voice message.

  I went to the cops and told them everything but they heard it and started talking among themselves and laughing as if I was a psychotic mad person who should better be ignored.

  Nevertheless, it really doesn't matter how high the odds are against me, for I will rise above them. I was not going to stop. I went to every possible place where I had the slightest hope of finding them.