He reached for her hand, and the tears Paige had fought so valiantly to hold in spilled onto her cheeks. He wiped them away with the pad of his thumb and then wrapped an arm around her and tucked her head under his chin. “We’ll work through this, honey.”
His comfort was her undoing. “I can never have another baby, Justin. Never,” she added bursting into tears as she clung to him, so grateful he hadn’t shoved her away. Was it possible they could still make their relationship work? “I feel horrible I didn’t tell you earlier, but we’d sworn we’d keep our relationship casual.”
“Boy, were we wrong. You grabbed my heart from practically day one.”
She pulled back and stared at him. “Why didn’t you tell me?”
“You weren’t exactly receptive, Paige. I figured you needed more time. Hell, I needed more time.”
She swiped at more tears. “Now what?” she asked, her voice wobbly as she fought to get her emotions under control. No way could she handle getting her hopes up and then having them crushed. “I know you want children someday, and you want them to be your own. But I can’t give you children.”
Justin pulled his arm from around her shoulders and sat forward, dangled his hands between his legs and rubbed his palms together. The absence of his touch made her shiver.
“We don’t have to solve this now, Paige, but it’s important that you know I don’t want to lose you.”
Relief washed through her, making her feel almost weak. She rested her hand on his leg. “Is it possible for us to move beyond this when a family is your dream?”
Justin’s jaw clenched. He stood and paced the small room. “It is my dream, but I have to admit that after watching that lady in the woods give birth—okay I didn’t really watch—but I saw enough to wonder if I could handle seeing you go through that. I mean, having a baby is rough stuff. I never knew how rough. It would be really hard to see you in that much pain.” He cocked his head and gave her a sad smile. “Guess I don’t have to worry about that now.”
She couldn’t help but wonder if Justin would continue to feel this way when he was ready to start a family?
She opened her mouth to voice that concern, but he held a hand up to silence her. “Let’s take this one day at a time. I can’t look too far ahead right now.”
Her chest heaved with grief. He couldn’t look ahead because he knew deep inside he wanted babies—babies with Coleman blood. “We have to be able to talk about this, Justin.”
He nodded his agreement. “But not now. I need time to sort through this.”
And then he would leave. Paige was sure of it. “If you want out, Justin, tell me now.”
He looked shocked. “That’s the last thing I want. You’ve had years to deal with this, Paige.” He sat back down and reached for her, and she went willingly into his arms. “I just need a little time. Can you give me that?”
“Of course,” she said with a hitch in her voice and both fear and hope in her heart. She wrapped her arms around his waist and pressed against him, pulling in his familiar scent and trying to calm herself. “I didn’t plan on you stealing my heart, Justin, but you did. I hope that will be enough.”
His silence rolled through her like waves in a churning ocean, and she clamped her lips together and forced herself not to fall apart. She stepped out of his arms, and as the warmth of him left her, she trembled with fear.
Justin ran a hand through his hair. “Don’t look at me like that. It breaks my heart.”
“Then I won’t look at you.” She turned away from him. “Right now, I can’t hide how I feel.”
He took her arm and turned her toward him. “Neither can I, but you act like it’s over. It’s not over between us, unless you want it to be. Do you want that?”
“Of course, I don’t want that.”
“Good.” He pulled her close and they stood there for a long time, neither one speaking. Finally, she relaxed into his embrace and absorbed the comfort he offered even as she knew he was fighting back his own pain. Justin was a good man and he cared for her. She needed to hold that close to her heart and trust him.
Yet she couldn’t help but wonder how she would cope if Justin deserted her like every other man in her life had when she had needed them the most.
Chapter Ten
Justin pulled up in front of Paige’s mom’s house and turned off the Suburban.
“This is so not a good idea,” Paige said. “We’re both stressed, and I can come get Sassy later.”
“I thought you wanted me to meet your mom.”
“I do, but this isn’t a good time, at least not for me.”
He couldn’t deny that, because part of him felt the same way. He wasn’t proud of that fact, but there it was. Could he be any more shallow? He had fallen hard for Paige. Had even hoped they would marry someday and have a few kids. Now he wasn’t sure what would happen. Having a family at some point had always been his desire. Was he willing to give that up? To never have his own children? If he married Paige, he would lose that dream. Trouble was, he’d fallen hard for this woman and didn’t want to lose her. He shoved his churning thoughts aside. No need to depress himself even worse.
“Look, Justin. We’re both exhausted and want to get home, so start the car back up and let’s get out of here.”
“We’ll only stay long enough to get Sassy and visit with your mom for a few minutes. There’s no point in leaving and not getting your kitten.”
“Fine. I’ll go get Sassy and be right back.” She shoved out of the car and headed up the porch steps. He hurried after her and caught her elbow, pulling her to a stop before she could enter the house. “Try and put a little faith in me, Paige. We’re going to work this out.” He hoped to God he was right, because he had so many feelings warring inside of him, he felt ready to jump out of his skin. He wasn’t about to run for the hills, though, and he wanted to meet her mom.
Paige glared at him. “Then we might as well go get this over with,” she said through clenched teeth. “I can tell you’re not going to change your mind.” She opened the front door and he followed her into the house. “Mom,” she called as they stepped inside. “I’m here to get Sassy.”
Justin glanced around a living room that looked comfortable and lived in. And cozy. Pictures filled the fireplace mantle and he walked over to look at them closer. “How old were you in this?” he asked, pointing to the first picture.
“Ten. Mother insisted on an Easter picture, but I never liked that dress.”
“You were pretty dang cute, regardless of the dress.”
She rolled her eyes. “I was all red hair and freckles. Thank goodness, most of those freckles went away.”
A woman walked into the room carrying Sassy, her smile wide. “You can’t have your kitten back, Paige. We’ve bonded.” She turned to Justin and her friendly smile reminded him of Paige. “I’m Sherry and you must be Justin,” she said. She gave the kitten to Paige and then took his outstretched hand. “It’s so nice to meet you. I’ve heard a lot of good things about you. I hope you have the time to sit a minute.”
“That’s about all the time we have,” Paige said, snuggling her kitten. “Neither of us slept much last night. I’m about to fall on my face.” Paige held Sassy up to her chin and kissed the kitten’s nose.
Justin made himself comfortable on the brown couch and patted the spot beside him. “She’s right. We can only manage a few minutes, or you’ll have to scrape us up off the floor.”
Paige sank down beside him, and her mom sat in the rocker across from them. He could definitely see Paige’s resemblance to her mother. “Your daughter got her green eyes from you.”
Sherry smiled. “And her red hair, but mine’s faded so much I finally colored it brown.”
He nodded, not sure what the appropriate response to that should be. Paige’s mother seemed warm and caring, which made him wonder what had motivated her to not save at least a few pictures of Paige’s father, so her daughter would have clearer memories of him. �
��Paige tells me you teach school,” he finally said.
“Yes. I’ve taught for over twenty years. I love the children.”
“And they love her,” Paige added. “Sassy probably does too, but you still can’t have her.”
“I figured as much, but feel free to ask me to kitty-sit anytime. Would you two like something to drink?” Sherry offered.
When Paige shook her head, Justin took his cue. “We both need to get home and crash, but I wanted to come in long enough to meet you. I’ve been wondering if Paige looked like you, and she does.” Smiling, he turned to Paige and studied her face. “There’s a lot of resemblance for sure, but your jawline must come from your dad.”
Paige glared at him and when he glanced at Sherry, her once-warm-smile had faltered. “To tell you the truth, Justin, I’ve never realized that,” Sherry responded, the earlier warmth in her voice gone. “I’ve always thought my daughter looks like me and my family.”
Justin rested a hand on Paige’s leg and felt her muscles tense. “I’ve always thought I look like you, too, Mom.” Paige crossed her legs, effectively removing Justin’s hand. “Of course, I don’t remember what my dad looked like.”
Sherry’s face paled. “I put his pictures away after he walked out on us,” she admitted. Paige didn’t respond. “I suppose I could look for them, if you want to have a few pictures,” she added in the thick silence.
“I imagine Paige would like that,” Justin said. “I lost my mom about a year and a half ago. I realize it’s not the same situation at all, but it helps me to have pictures of her.”
He heard Paige suck in a quick breath.
Sherry’s gaze shifted to her daughter and then back to Justin, her eyes no longer warm. “Paige has never asked to see any pictures of her father. We’ve both tried to forget him. I’m sure you had a loving mother, so, of course, you want memories of her in your home.”
Paige looked down at her lap, and Justin felt a tremble go through her, but didn’t know if it was anger or sadness. “You’re right. I had a loving mother. I apologize if I spoke out of turn.”
Sherry gave him a quick smile that didn’t even come close to reaching her eyes. “No apologies needed.” She turned her attention back to her daughter and her eyes softened. “You resemble your father in some ways, Paige. He was a very nice looking man. I’ll try to find some old pictures if you’d like.”
“I don’t want to see pictures of the father who walked out on me.”
Sherry leaned forward in the rocker. “I figured you felt that way, which is why I took all his pictures down.”
Justin doubted that was the reason this woman had removed her ex-husband’s pictures. Anger was more like it. So much anger, she hadn’t given much thought to the effect on her daughter. In doing that, Paige’s mother had made it difficult for her daughter to remember much about her dad. Surely the man had a few good points.
Paige stood. “No worries, Mom, but I really need to get home. I’m about to fall on my face.”
Sherry shot to her feet as if she’d been given a reprieve, which she had. Justin almost felt sorry for the woman. It took a lot of energy to hold on to that kind of hatred all these years, but not only had she done that, she’d also passed her anger and dislike of her ex-husband down to her daughter, depriving Paige of finding a way to heal from her loss. He was no shrink but Logan was, and he’d learned at least a few things from his brother over the years.
He wrapped an arm around Paige and headed toward the front door.
“Thanks for keeping Sassy, Mom,” Paige said over her shoulder. “I’ll call you soon.”
Paige swung open the screen door and hurried to the car. She was obviously upset, maybe even angry at him, but Justin didn’t regret what he’d said. Paige needed to find a way to open her wound and begin to heal.
He closed her car door and went around to the driver’s side, ready to get home and let down. He started the car and pulled away from the curb. After a few minutes of stony silence he said, “Sorry if I was out of line.”
Paige continued to stare at Sassy as she stroked the kitten’s back. “I know you were trying to help, but I didn’t appreciate it. You should have talked with me before saying anything to Mom about pictures of my father.”
“I thought I was rather subtle. Guess you didn’t.” He turned onto the freeway ramp. “Will you think about what I said? You’ve carried a huge burden around for way too long.” He reached for her hand, and Sassy gave him a playful swat, which reminded him of their bet. “I owe you ten bucks. Looks like your mom would be eager to kitty-sit again.”
Paige gave him a quick smile, then turned her head and looked out her window. A few minutes later, he heard her sniffle. “I’ll think about what you said,” she finally muttered.
He rubbed the back of her neck. “Dads are pretty important. Almost as important as Moms,” he teased. And he so wanted to be a dad.
“I know you’re trying to help, Justin, but my father left a long time ago. I’ve moved past that.”
Her words tore at his heart. “Have you really, honey? Because I don’t know how you could have. I’ll never really be over losing my mom, and she didn’t walk out on her family. You have to, at the very least, be angry at your old man for what he did. Hell, I’m angry at him and he meant nothing to me. But you mean the world to me,” he added softly.
She buried her face in her hands, and he wished they weren’t in the car and he could hold her. He exited the freeway. “Thank you for caring,” she finally said, her voice breaking.
“Of course, I care. I hate seeing you hurt, and want to help.”
“It’s kind of ironic, isn’t it? You want to help me get over my dad leaving, and at the same time you’re having to deal with me not being able to give you the opportunity to be a dad.”
He winced, not sure how to respond without making things worse, both with her anger toward her father and the grief he felt about her earlier news. He decided it was best to keep his mouth shut. He was too tired to think anyway.
He pulled up to her house, got her luggage out of the trunk and followed her inside. She set Sassy down and the kitten darted toward the couch, jumping on it and then leaping for a nearby chair.
Paige smiled, but it was brief. He pulled her close. “We both need to try and get a good night’s sleep. We’re too tired to think, let alone solve anything.” He kissed her and was relieved when, after a brief hesitation, she melted against him.
Finally, he broke the kiss. “You okay?” he asked, bending down until his face was level with hers.
She nodded. “Justin?”
“Yeah.”
“Your concern means a lot to me.”
“And you mean a lot to me,” he responded. “In case you can’t tell, I’ve fallen head over heels in love with you.” Unfortunately, he wasn’t sure that would be enough to see them through this.
* * *
Paige rolled to her side and pulled Sassy up against her, taking a smidgeon of comfort in the contented, happy sound of her purring kitten.
She glanced at the clock for what seemed like the millionth time and squeezed her burning eyes shut. Two o’clock in the morning and she still hadn’t been able to get any sleep. She wondered if Justin was asleep. She ran her hand over the pillow beside her, where a slight indentation of his head still remained from the night before they left. She shoved the pillow that was under her head away and replaced it with Justin’s pillow, breathing in his lingering scent. “Please don’t walk away, Justin,” she whispered into the night.
Sassy stretched and one of her front paws settled back down on Paige’s cheek. She squeezed her eyes shut and fought to keep her tears at bay, but it was no use. She’d known all along that not being able to have children might be a deal breaker with Justin, but oh how she’d wished he’d taken her in his arms and told her he loved her too much to let her go. That being with her, making a life with her, was his top priority. They could adopt children, but whatever they did they woul
d do it together.
“I’m such a dreamer,” she whispered brokenly. But starting tomorrow, she would be strong. She’d had a good life before Justin, and if he walked out on her she would be okay. She always landed on her feet, and she would again.
She closed her eyes and made herself think positive thoughts. Justin had said he loved her and only needed time to adjust. He would be back. He would, she repeated over and over in her head until she finally fell asleep dreaming about a house filled with children and Justin by her side.
* * *
When the sun filtered into her bedroom, Paige let out a sigh. Might as well get up. She might not get much accomplished, but at least she’d escape the happily-ever-after-dream of a house filled with love and children—a dream she knew could probably never happen.
She crawled out of bed and Sassy jumped onto the floor and rubbed against her legs, yowling like she hadn’t eaten in days. Doing her best not to trip on the kitten, Paige went into the kitchen, put on a pot of coffee and poured kitten food into a bowl. She added the special formula to the dry food, all the while listening to Sassy’s plaintiff wails.
She wished she could join her. She also wished she were going into the office today. It would give her something to do to keep her sane until she heard from Justin.
She grabbed a bowl from the cabinet, filled it with cereal and milk, and ate a quick breakfast. Then she poured herself a cup of coffee, threw on a jacket and went out on her deck, hoping the crisp morning air would give her a better outlook for the long day that lay ahead of her.
Her cell rang and she jumped. Laying a hand over her hammering heart, she picked it up only to see that it was the office. “Hey,” she said by way of greeting.
“Glad to catch you,” Tiffany said. “I know you took today off, but one of your patients has gone into labor and is begging for you. I told her I’d call and see if you’d made it back to town.”
Paige smiled. “Nice to be wanted. I’m here, and work is just what I need.”
Since I Found You (Crystal Springs Romances: The Wedding Chapel Book 2) Page 14
