Always kept her garden separate long as she could. She took to sellin anything she could to add to her horde of silver. She eyed Jason and Poon to see where they hid their cache. But Poon watched her and watched out for Jason.
They all watched Loretta, who was still playin high-and-mighty. Always knew where Loretta kept the silver and gold. She never touched it, but she helped to keep it safe. She kept everybody else away from it.
Time passed. Don’t it always? So many things began to happen, I have to look back to tell of it and looking back is coming harder for me now. So bear with me.
A colored knife-sharpener man commence to coming through the country with his wagon. He was a brown-skinned, young-middle-age man. He struck his eye on Always, who kinda struck an eye back, cause he was one of the few freed men she had known. Added to that, he had his own business, such as it was, his own wagon. They looked and talked and laughed some, til finally all the knives and scissors at the Butler plantation was sharp as they would ever get again in life.
He really liked Always. She was still a fine-looking woman. Her industry kept her slim, her breast was full from the children she had birthed. She wore a long calico dress, or her everyday dress of sackcloth, long, so he never saw her legs cept in a quick look as she bent or raised her skirts to step up somewhere. He liked her quick tongue, her strong and flip ways. He would have liked her to smile and laugh more, but he felt he could might change that … if he was ever able to get closer to her. He thought of marriage, but he wasn’t savin his money to buy a wife, he was savin it to buy a house, then he could carry on his trade from one place. So … they just looked, deep and hard, and kept talkin bout other things. And laughin. They both thought of it often tho.
Always had never liked nor loved no man before and money was really uppermost in her mind more than anything. Savin it and still not knowing just what for. But, knowing if the white folks wanted it, it must be the best thing to have. Didn’t want to buy herself away because she felt this was her land she worked on. Things was not too bad now. Wasn’t hardly no whippin goin on. The only thing was she cried some nights for her children what was sold and gone. She could handle Loretta or stay out her way. So, even with the war goin on, things was at the time almost alright on her plantation.
Then, one day, another man came through. Colored, but light and looked sorta like my own Sun. That’s who Always thought it was at first. She ran toward the tired, barefoot man, joy in her heart. She thought this was some of her blood, her family! Til she was close enough to see … he was too young, it was not Sun. Turned out his name was Sephus and he was hungry. Always was used to givin what she could to the slaves that were more and more often comin by the plantation or trudging by night down the road that faced it. Running away from somebody or to something. So naturally she fed him. She liked to look at him, he looked like somebody she knew. Well, he was somebody she knew! He was lookin for his mother he had been sold from and was following this road. Do I need to tell you what she felt? They both felt? That huge joy? Only his name had been changed. But they had to be quiet about it cause the war was not over yet, didn’t know who would win and send him back to his owner. So they loved in silence and touching. Always’s heart overflowed so til it hurt. He did not know where her other children was tho. It’s always something to remind you that everything ain’t never gonna be alright!
She had just brought him some food that first day, when Loretta rushed out, slowly tho, like a lady, to see this man. She had seen him from her window and thought it was Sun, too. She had planned to hate and be angry with Sun, but her face was shining and happy to think this was him. It dropped, like a lady, and showed her disappointment when it turned out to be it wasn’t him. But she stayed and watched and asked questions.
“Where your master, boy?”
Sephus had done stopped eatin and was dartin his eyes round lookin for a place to run and to see was anybody else coming. He was so hungry he was desolated, and he did not want to lose his mama again after only havin her a few minutes. He hesitated and spoke. “He dead, mam.”
Loretta walked in front of him. “Who was he? Where you goin to … Or coming from?”
He choked on a bite. “We was agoin up to town there”—he pointed a chicken foot. “But he dropped dead … I’m goin on now, back home … to ’vise his family.”
She looked directly down at him. “No, you ain’t, boy! You just lyin through that food of mine you eatin!” Always thought to herself, “That’s my food he’s eatin and I fixed it too!”
Sephus dropped the chicken foot, stood, lookin mighty afeared. He looked at Always, who slightly shook her head, tellin him not to be too afraid.
Loretta continued talkin, “Well, anyway, if he dead, he don’t need you no more.” Sephus gulped, but stood still, waiting in the little silence while Loretta stared at him. Both slaves watched her to see what she was thinkin afore they would know what to do. She finally said, “You ain’t goin home a’tall! So I might as well keep you. I need a driver for my new carriage I have had for two years now, that’s fallin apart in that barn yonder. Have to drive it myself sometime, and no lady should drive herself. So … I need a driver. Can you drive a carriage, boy?”
Well, the boy could, but he had just done run off from bein a slave at one place and wasn’t lookin for no job in the South, nor of bein a slave at no other place. His mind did a few quick turns, as it shoulda, and he could see himself driving north stead of walkin there. He looked in the white woman’s eyes to see what could he see there. She didn’t show too much, but he saw somethin. Then he looked at his newfound mama.
“Yes’m, I can drive a carriage. That’s my regular job.”
“Then you can care for horses?”
“Yes’m.”
“Open your mouth and say ‘Yes mam,’ boy!”
“Yes’m. Yes mam.”
“You can eat and sleep here awhile, with no more questions bout your dead master. Dead master, indeed. If you drive good, we will see what you can earn for a little livin money.”
Those last few words had Always lookin at Loretta like she had never seen her before in life. Now she took to wonderin bout why Loretta was doing this stead of callin for somebody to come take this boy, her son, back to his rightful master. And to hear her offerin him ‘a little living money’ was beyond anything she had even known a white person to do. She wondered was Loretta stallin for time, but she knew Loretta didn’t have to stall, she could either do what she was gonna or not. That’s bout where she was when Loretta turned to her. “Show him where he can bathe and get him some of Doak Jr.’s clothes. Can’t have no raggedy driver. Then send him up to me.”
“Yes’m, Miz Loretta,” came the thoughtful, wondering reply. “Yes mam.”
Sephus looked at Always to see what he should do; when Always nodded her head slowly, he fell upon his food again and didn’t look up til Always was handin him some clothes and pointin the way out to the well where he could fetch water to bathe in, and then her cabin to take it in, tellin him that is where he would be stayin … with her. She wanted to hold him, caress him, talk to him. She was goin over in her mind when he was born, how he looked, the type of child he was. That filled her mind all the long day, and everytime she passed him for some thought-up reason, she touched him. Her son. Her son.
Sephus didn’t get to stay more than one night with his mother. He became part of the main house where Loretta lived. He forgot his plan to travel on north. Tho he was fearful when he carried Miz Loretta out and around, he knew, now, she would protect him. He stayed in the barns caring for the horses or in the main house finding something to do, which wasn’t hard. That lasted bout three months. Then the patrollers was gettin so thick on the roads cause so many slaves was runnin, he said he was sick and couldn’t drive no more. One day, soon after that, Loretta woke up and he was gone. Gone on north. Cleaner and fatter. He couldn’t pass for white, but Always had writ him a good letter that would get him through.
Both wom
en took his leavin hard, but Always took it better because she knew he was runnin to freedom. Loretta couldn’t understand because she had been good to him. Really good. Strange tho it seem, she didn’t hate him so much, she just hated Sun more! She cried but she wouldn’t let nobody see her do it. Always cried too, but she did look at the chance to hear from him, see him again, if she had to make that knife-sharpin man drive her near cross this world to do it! They was huggin a little bit now and then, on the sly, of course. Just a little huggin tho.
Sephus was gone bout a month when, one day, Miz Loretta sent for Always, needing something to ease her “flow.” That her monthly cramps was very worse. Asked her for some roots or medicine that would make her flow more easy. Always gathered and fixed what she could think of, but none of it seemed to satisfy Loretta, who was becoming more irritable every day, so that Always wondered just how long them cramps was gonna last. Each day, goin on a week then, Loretta asked for it to be made stronger and stronger.
Soon after that askin day, Always was stirring and fixin a very strong potent medicine and her mind clicked into a place, thinkin. Loretta had never had troubles with her monthly time before. Not like this noway! It came to Always that Loretta was pregnant. Master Doak was gone. And dead too. “Who? Who?” Then Sephus came to mind. “Great Lord!” If that was true, then Loretta was going to have her grandchild! And she was trying to get rid of it! It sure did come to me that Loretta was carryin my great grandchile. Loretta! Then some more came to me, chile. Loretta was going to be the mother of her own nephew! Oh, I was tryin to follow my blood, know my kin, and it was turnin round on itself in some places, runnin into places it never shoulda gone to. Never! And there was Always … bein asked to fix medicine that would kill her own grandchile! Honey, life can get to be more than you can know.
I was tryin to watch my blood, my family, but it was gettin so confusin and mixed up! My father was Loretta’s and Always’s grandfather. They had the same father. Always’s children was Loretta’s husband’s, so Sephus was Loretta’s stepchild and nephew and the father of her child, which was mine and Always’s grandchild and Loretta’s step-grandchild and child and, oh, it can go on and on. But, anyway, if we all done come from Adam and Eve, we done always been relatives anyway. Lord, Lord.
Anyway, as Always allowed, hadn’t been nobody round ceptin Sephus. All the nice-lookin white men was gone to fight the war, and the other older white men stopped to chat or came by to buy somethin or do business in some way was never lowed beyond the very front porch. Or if they was old friends, the very front parlor, with Loretta’s personal slavewoman almost always present.
However, Always took the latest batch, a pint of medicine to Loretta who was in bed, languishin away. A bit unkempt for a woman who was so particular, burdened, distraughted, worried. She took the water glass from side the bed, poured a small bit into it, said, “Mam, I know this here medicine gonna work. This be bout the strongest medicine I knows how to make to make the misery go way.”
Loretta reached for that glass like her arm was lightnin and swallowed the stuff right down that really did not taste no way good at all. Always watched her a minute as she smoothed the cover and things and began to tidy and puff up the pillows beneath Loretta, who she was watchin very carefully, on the sly of course.
Always picked up the bottle just as Loretta reached for it. Said, “Mam, I know this gonna work cause it’s strong, strong! Ladies with child is not sposed to take none of this stuff! Course, you ain’t with child cause everybody know a lady in that condition, her elbows turn dark, dark, til she have that baby.” Loretta forgot herself, looked desperate at both elbows with wild eyes. Said, when she come to herself, “I have no reason to think of that, Master Doak bein dead and all. That is impossible. Leave me now. I want … I want to rest.” Always left, but she took the bottle with her. Loretta was figitin round and didn’t notice. Always went to her shack and poured out the strong medicine and made up a batch that wouldn’t kill a fly. When Loretta sent for that strong medicine, which was mighty soon, she sent that new stuff.
Always watched for the next month or two as Loretta became more haggard, stayed in her room and regular sent for more medicine to take. She began wearing longer, fuller skirts. Loretta was gonna have that baby! Always, Lord help her, smiled sometime as she looked off into space. Always didn’t worry bout the control this baby of Loretta’s would have over the plantation, because all would know it wasn’t Master Doak’s, so the baby just might have nothin but a mama, if Loretta didn’t kill it when it was born. Cause it was sure steady comin! Probly gonna be strong with all that nourishin medicine Always had started sendin in to Miz Loretta.
Passin, with the time, was the way of life as it was usta bein in this south. Things was more scarce, but Always had a good cache of things and Jason was no fool and had been lookin ahead to these times hisself. They was holdin on for everybody, that cripple and that slave.
The roads was full now of slaves goin one way, and crippled and maimed soldiers, and some runaway soldiers too, goin another way, mostly in the nights. Always kept little packages, the little she could give away freely, ready for the slaves when they came knockin on the windows of her shack. Word gets round and they had done heard bout her. God is good. She helped and she asked questions in return. She learned one side was winnin on one day, and the next day the other side was winnin. Facts, the slaves didn’t really know all the time, but they was sure the South was losin cause of the things happinin on their old homes.
Always tried to describe her children to the runaways, but they didn’t know bout them either, tho some of them sounded like they might. Then, how could they tell her which way to where the grown children might be now, when they, themselves, had criss-crossed by night the huge land? But she kept helpin and nobody bothered her, cause Loretta mighta been the only one to do it and she was so caught up in her own troubles, she didn’t pay much tention to Always cept to curse her for not givin her medicine that would work!
When the day came for the baby to come and Loretta couldn’t hold back no more, she sent for Always, then sent her slavewoman away. She looked haggard and resigned, like she had just given up. A little, worn thing layin and pullin the sheets one minute, her hair the next minute.
Always stood at the foot of the bed, lookin down at Loretta. “Miz Loretta, mam, I blive you fixin to have a visitor.”
Loretta looked up with knowing malice. “And my elbows never did get any darker.” Her face worked with the pain that struck her.
Always started to get busy. “Well, I reckon we just get ready for it.”
Loretta gasped from the pain. “Hold on.” She grabbed Always’s hand that was foldin back the covers. “We must talk first. I have to talk to you.”
“Yes mam.” Always was smiling inside, but her face was serious. “You want me to send your helpmaid back?”
“No, no.” Loretta drew her lacy sleeve cross her damp brow. “No, I want only you here! I want … I want you to do something for me.” The pain threw her head back. Always waited. “I’m … I’m havin a baby.” She looked through the pain. “But you already knew that.”
“Yes mam.”
“I cannot … I must not … keep this baby.”
“Oh, Miz Loretta, you be so lucky, so blessed … able … to keep your baby. I wish I coulda kept mine. I wish I coulda kept my mama … her mama too.”
Loretta opened her eyes wide to Always. She was tryin not to scream out hatred names to Always … cause she needed her just then. But she did say, “You are an evil woman, Always.”
“No mam, not evil. Just a slave. Witout a brain, nor a soul.”
They waited in silence a minute. The past filling both their minds. But, here now, was the present, and something had changed. Then the pain hit Loretta again.
“Mam, what does you want me to do, Miz Loretta, you needs help.”
Loretta fell back against the pillows. “I must not keep this baby. I don’t know … what it will be … what it
will look like.”
“Look like you and the daddy, Miz Loretta. Like you and the daddy.”
Loretta looked at Always, this time with hate mixed with pleadin, if you can magine that. “I helped your brother to be free.”
“You helped our brother to be free, or dead, mam, but you didn’t help him for me. And you never helped me, no way. Mam.”
Loretta raised herself. “But he is free! I heard from him, a long time … ago.”
Now, Loretta sure said the right thing. This filled Always’s heart with joy, to know her brother was alive. Now, all was left was to know where. She would take her money and go to him. Even … even leave the land that blonged to her. Then her heart filled with pain. He had never come back for her. Or sent anyone to her with a message, a nothin. No … she couldn’t go. But … “Where is he then, Miz Loretta?”
Another pain had torn through Loretta’s body and she burst into a sweat at its leavin. “Always … I want my child. Now. It’s my only child I will ever have. But I can’t keep it.” She bit her lip, started cryin. “I … want you … to keep it … for me. Raise it, my baby.”
Always turned her head sidewise and looked down at Loretta. “You want ME to help you?”
“Yes, yes! I neeed help. But I need … I want you, to keep my baby. Let it … be yours.”
“But what I’m gonna tell it? What it gonna call me?”
“Mother … mama … mammy. Anything. I want you to raise it, as your child.”
“Well … you best let me help you get ready now. I will think on it.” Always knew she would keep her son’s child.
Loretta drew her pain-filled body up. “You will do as I tell you. You are MY slave. You do as I tell you to.”
Family Page 9
