by M. S. Parker
“You work for him too?”
The question was polite enough, but there was no mistaking the disdain in his eyes. He thought what everyone else thought: I’d slept my way into a job. Or maybe he thought that Nate had seduced an employee, which still didn’t exactly paint the most flattering portrait of either of us. In fact, I was fairly certain that his estimation of me had dropped the moment the word ‘girlfriend’ had come out of my mouth.
“Not exactly.” I was now even more grateful than before that Nate had changed things around for my job. “I’m technically a freelance contractor who works for the A&R department. Stu Hancock is my boss, not Nate.”
“I suppose that’s something.” Joshua sounded more like he was talking to himself than to me.
“You said you wanted to see your brother?” I had a feeling this wasn’t a conversation to be had in such a public place.
“I do,” Joshua agreed, giving me that charming smile again, the one that looked so much like his brother’s. “But I don’t have an appointment.”
I gestured for him to move with me away from the desk, not quite to the elevators but closer to them than the door. “I can take you up if you like. Technically, we’re supposed to schedule guests, but there’s generally some leniency about that. Since you’re the boss’s brother, I don’t think it’ll be a problem.”
Joshua tilted his head, a strange expression settling on his face. “Has Nate ever talked about his family? Told you about us. About me?”
I answered honestly, “He said there was a falling out between you and him, and that you moved away. He told me that you were back in New York and that you wanted the family to get together.”
And that was the extent of my knowledge. I supposed some people might think that people who were at the boyfriend / girlfriend stage would know a little more about their significant other’s life, but Nate and I weren’t going to define our relationship by what other people expected.
At least, that was the plan.
Joshua laughed, the sound bitter and harsh. “That’s not exactly the whole story.” He scratched the back of his head. “You know what, coming here was a mistake. If Nate wants to reach out, he knows how to find me.”
With those cryptic statements, Joshua turned and walked away. I glanced at Wayne, who mouthed thank you, and I managed a smile in return. My encounter with Joshua hadn’t ruined my day, but it had cast a bit of a shadow over it.
I needed to talk to Nate.
Nineteen
Nate
Finley’s visit yesterday had given me an edge through most of the rest of the day, making me glad that Ashlee and I had just exchanged texts. I didn’t want her knowing about the conversation. I honestly wasn’t sure how she’d react, and I didn’t want to find out.
There was a possibility she’d take Finley’s concerns to heart, but I was more worried that she’d get mad at him. If this harmed her relationship with her father, she might never blame me for it, but I would. And despite what Finley thought about me, I wanted to protect Ashlee as much as he did.
Today was better. Not a great day, but a good one. I accomplished everything on my to-do list, had no crazy surprises, and had plans to introduce Ashlee to phone sex tonight.
At least that was the plan until Ashlee came into my office just as the day was ending. She wore a troubled expression on her face, and I didn’t like it.
I crossed over to her in just a couple long strides, wrapping her in my arms even as my mouth came down on hers. She leaned into me as we kissed, her body humming with a tension that I wanted to help shift into something different. I parted her lips with my tongue, sweeping in to explore even as my hands roamed her body, reacquainting themselves with each curve as if I hadn’t touched her for months.
Before I could do something stupid, like take her in dozen equally thrilling ways, she pulled back. Her hands stayed on my chest, but I had the feeling it was more to keep me back than because she wanted to be touching me.
“I didn’t come up here for…this.” She gestured between the two of us and then took a step back.
“What’s wrong?” I didn’t follow her even though all I wanted was to reach for her again.
“When I came back from lunch, your brother was downstairs in the lobby.”
My reaction was equal parts instinct and habit the instant I heard ‘brother.’ My shields slammed into place, and I took a few mental steps back.
“My brother.”
She nodded. “Yes. He was down at the receptionist’s desk, talking to the temp down there. Wayne seemed a little…intimidated, so I stepped up to help him.”
“Wayne?” My voice was flat, but my stomach knotted at the sound of another man’s name coming out of her mouth.
“The temporary receptionist,” she said, a frown line appearing between her eyebrows. “He’s not a big guy, and your brother is huge. I wasn’t going to let him intimidate Wayne.”
A flash of jealousy went through me. “Of course not. We can’t have someone hurting Wayne’s feelings.”
Even as the words came out of my mouth, I could hear how snarky they were. Judging by the flash of surprise on Ashlee’s face, they’d been a bad choice, but I refused to take them back. I wasn’t going to coddle an employee because someone might be mean to them.
“Wayne’s a good kid. I went to school with his sister.” She crossed her arms, shifting her stance to a clearly defensive one.
I waved a dismissive hand. “Enough about the kid. You said you talked to my brother.”
She nodded, still looking annoyed. “Joshua. He wanted to meet with you.”
Joshua had been here. Okay, not exactly a surprise. As soon as she’d said it was my brother, I’d known she meant Joshua. David wouldn’t have come here looking for me unless I’d done something insanely stupid that could hurt my family. As far as I knew, I hadn’t done that.
Yet.
It was always a possibility with me.
“What did you tell him?” I asked.
“I offered to bring him up to talk to you.”
I wasn’t sure which emotion was worse, the admiration I felt because she was being honest or the anger that she’d been nice to him.
How nice? I wondered suddenly. And what had he told her? About me? About him? About what had finally driven us apart?
“What did he say about me?”
“He said you were his brother. It’s not like I stood down there and had a long conversation with him.”
“But you did have a conversation.”
“A short one, yes.” Her voice had an edge now that was beyond surprise. “I introduced myself to a member of your family and extended a common courtesy.”
My eyes narrowed as suspicion joined jealousy. “How did you introduce yourself?”
“The same way you referred to me when you invited Finley over to dinner. Your girlfriend. I wasn’t aware that it would be a problem.”
“It’s not like we’d really talked about who we were going to tell.” That was a shit excuse, and I knew it.
“So, I’m a secret.” Hurt flashed, there and gone almost too fast for me to see.
I needed to fix this, but like every other time I’d found myself on a path that only promised destruction, I refused to turn around. “That’s not the point. I want to know what you two talked about.”
“I told you, we said who we were, and I offered to bring him up here.” Her voice was tight, eyes flashing. “What is your problem?”
My hands curled into fists. “My problem is that you know my brother and I have issues, but you talked to him anyway. Or maybe you did more than talk, and that’s why you’re being so defensive?”
Her jaw dropped, and color flooded her face. I wanted to believe it was embarrassment that I was right, but no matter how much I wished it, I knew better. And still, I couldn’t stop myself.
“Did he flirt with you? Did you flirt with him? He had to have told you what happened, right? Did he make you feel sorry for him? O
r maybe you just wanted to flirt–”
The slamming of the door cut off the rest of my sentence, and I realized just how badly I’d just fucked things up.
Again.
Twenty
Ashlee
Walking out probably wasn’t the most mature way to handle things with Nate, but if I hadn’t, I would’ve said something that just made matters worse. I was shy around people I didn’t know, and often quiet even around ones I did, but too many people mistook my soft-spokeness for weakness. Even I had my limits, and he’d hit them. I needed to cool off before I could think with any sort of clarity, and my best bet for calming down was to be away from him.
I indulged in a long, hot shower, and then some comfort food for dinner before settling on the couch. I was a little disappointed that he hadn’t reached out yet, but it didn’t surprise me. He was a proud man, unused to having to bend, especially when it came to relationships.
I’d probably give in before he did even, even though he’d been in the wrong with his accusations. I wasn’t going to just back off though. If this was going to work between us, we had to communicate. If all we were doing was having sex, we’d only need to have an initial conversation where limits were set, and then it’d only be a matter of sticking with them. He had no problem respecting limits and safe words.
The thing was, now I wondered if he respected me outside of the bedroom. As an individual, yes, I could count on him, but I was still trying to understand where I stood as his girlfriend.
I sighed and let my head rest on the back of the couch. I couldn’t figure this out by myself. I needed someone to bounce ideas off, someone to talk things through with.
I needed my mom.
I turned off the TV I hadn’t really been watching and picked up my phone. It was seven o’clock, which meant she was probably getting herself a glass of red wine and some dark chocolate – her favorite evening indulgence. When I’d still lived at home, I’d often joined her, doing my homework while she read or watched TV. It had been my favorite time of the day for a long time.
“Hi, Mom.” I didn’t bother trying to pretend I was okay. She would’ve heard it in my voice anyway.
“Hey, sweetie. What’s wrong?”
“I need some advice,” I said. “Well, I need to vent and get some advice.”
She immediately understood. “It’s about Nate, isn’t it?”
“He’s so frustrating!” I pulled my legs up onto the couch, tucking my feet under my butt. “Today, when I was coming back from lunch, his younger brother was in the lobby. Now, Nate told me on Sunday that he and this brother didn’t get along. Something happened that messed up their relationship.”
“He didn’t tell you what it was, or is it something you can’t share with me?”
I knew that tone. Mom always had these sorts of clarifying questions when I was upset. From the outside, it might’ve sounded like she was nitpicking, but she liked to have context when she responded.
“He didn’t say,” I answered. “I’m okay with that. Things between us happened so fast and out of order. Or at least the order I’d always thought my relationships would go. There’s a lot we haven’t shared, but no one knows everything about their partner right away. It takes time.”
“It does,” she agreed, seeming to sense that I needed her to reassure me that my thoughts weren’t just me being naïve.
“I didn’t ask Joshua what had happened, of course, but he was there to see Nate, and I didn’t think our temp receptionist should have to deal with a family issue. I introduced myself and offered to take Joshua upstairs. He declined and left, but I didn’t want to keep it from Nate.” My actions still sounded logical. “I waited until the end of the day because I didn’t want to interrupt him.”
That wasn’t entirely true, I realized. I’d waited because I’d been worried he’d react badly, and I didn’t want anyone else to hear him. Now, I was glad I’d done it.
“I also thought he could be upset, and it’d be better if no one else was around,” I added, wanting to be completely truthful with her. “I was right. As soon as I told Nate that his brother had been there, it was like nothing that had happened between us mattered. He just shut down, started asking questions, but they weren’t real questions. He wanted to know if Joshua had told me anything about what had gone on between them, and he didn’t believe me when I said no. Then, he accused me of flirting with Joshua.”
Mom didn’t ask if I’d done it, and the relief I felt just made everything else worse. She knew I’d never do anything like that, and Nate should’ve known it too.
“Do you think it’s possible that whatever happened between Nate and his brother involved a woman?”
Dammit. I hadn’t even thought of that. It made perfect sense, and while it didn’t excuse how Nate had handled things, it did make me a little more sympathetic to his concerns. If his brother had betrayed him with someone Nate had been involved with, it wasn’t strange at all that Nate wouldn’t want his new girlfriend talking to his brother.
“This is why I needed to talk to you,” I said. “That never occurred to me. I thought he was just being all possessive and jealous because he can be a dick sometimes.”
I didn’t add that I’d also assumed at least some of the reason for his attitude came from his Dominant side taking being possessive too far. Now that I really thought about it though, I knew that wasn’t the case. Nate always seemed to be in greater control during those Dominant times than he was outside of them.
“It doesn’t excuse the way he handled things,” Mom said, “but if he has a legitimate reason for jumping to conclusions, it at least means there’s something there to work on.”
She was right. It would be worse if he just acted that way for no reason at all. Then it’d be part of who he was, and I couldn’t be with a man like that, no matter how much I wanted him. Something influenced by an event from his past was understandable and could be dealt with.
I should have thought of that. I’d been there before. After Mona left, I’d struggled to deal with abandonment issues. I’d never worried that Mom would leave, but only because she made a point of telling me every night for months that she wasn’t going anywhere. Everyone else, however, was fair game, especially since Mom’s family had left her too. To this day, I was amazed at how my mother hadn’t become bitter and cynical.
“How do you think I should handle it?” I asked.
“It depends on whether or not he’s willing to tell you about what happened between him and his brother.”
“If he is?”
“Tell him about the problems you had when Mona left,” Mom suggested. “If he knows that you understand what it means to struggle with trust after someone’s hurt you, he’ll probably be more willing to admit just how badly it affects him and be more likely to ask for help.”
“All right,” I said, taking in a deep breath. “I can do that.”
It wouldn’t be fun, but I’d worked through that issue a while ago. Mom had found a great therapist who’d worked with me individually and then together with Mom so that our relationship didn’t suffer. Not for the first time, I thought about how difficult it must’ve been to do that, to be willing to admit that she needed help after Mona left. She’d always tried to be so strong for me, and it had taken me a while to realize that going to a therapist had been one of the strongest things she’d ever done.
My mom was the most amazing person I knew.
“If he doesn’t want to give you specifics, you can tell him you understand what it’s like to have something from the past influence present behavior.”
“Shouldn’t I just tell him about therapy either way?”
“You could,” she said, “but I don’t think that would be best. From everything you’ve told me about Nate, I think he’d feel like you were trying to manipulate him into sharing more than he’s ready for. If you ask him, and he says no, but then you share something so personal, he might think the only reason was because you were trying
to make him feel obligated.”
I was constantly amazed by her ability to figure people out. She’d rarely been wrong, and I sometimes wondered if maybe she hadn’t been wrong about Mona as much as she’d ignored what her gut had told her because she hadn’t wanted to lose the love of her life.
“Either way, you need to make sure he understands that taking those things out on you can’t keep happening. You have to draw that line between being understanding and enabling him. If he doesn’t think he needs to change his behavior and his way of thinking, then you’re not in a good place.”
Suddenly, I wondered how much of this advice came out of her own relationship. Had there been something like this between Mom and Mona? Had it been Mona’s unwillingness to change that had caused the rift that had eventually ended the relationship? I liked to think I was more observant than most, but Mom and Mona had always been very private about their disagreements.
For that reason, among others, I didn’t ask. I didn’t need to know what had led to the break-up. I knew enough. Mona had walked away from both of us and never tried to contact me. Mom had stayed, and she loved me. If she wanted to tell me more, that was her decision. Unless I had a clear reason to ask, I never would.
“I know you’re a strong person,” Mom continued. “I’ve seen that strength first-hand in more than one situation. When it comes to matters of the heart, though, it takes a whole other kind of strength. Do you think you have it? Can you be firm with him, or will he be able to sweep you off your feet without having to face the truth about anything?”
It was a valid question. I’d seen so many people – man and women alike – be these pillars of strength for years, only to crumble when love was involved. I’d never doubted my own ability to stand firm, but I’d never been in this situation before. I had to take an honest look at myself, and when I did, my past behavior didn’t help.
I’d let him virtually blackmail me into going to that first event with him. He hadn’t manipulated me into sex, but he had a way of stoking that fire inside me until up looked down and black looked white. Before I’d met him, I’d been a virgin who’d never even given a guy a blowjob, let alone considered allowing someone to spank me or make me beg.
