by Lynn, Stacey
Jake bows his head and his body shakes with laughter. I should have known that would happen.
Zack mutters something I barely catch about this being absolutely hilarious. I blush ten thousand shades of red knowing I’m the hilarious thing he’s talking about.
He lifts a hand. “Don’t be embarrassed. This has been fun.”
My ignorance is amusing to him. I’ve never felt so proud. “Why is that?” I ask, even though I’m not quite so sure I want to know the answer.
He just shakes his head and smiles and then nods to Jake. “Jake plays the bass for me. And this is hilarious because I haven’t been hit on by a beautiful woman who knows absolutely nothing about me in way too long.”
I clench my teeth together to keep my jaw from dropping to the floor. Did he seriously just say that? I must have misunderstood, or he’s talking about Mia because she’s the hot one of the two of us. She has the body of a ballet dancer without ever having to work for it, and I may be fit from running all the time and…pretty, sure. Girl next door innocent? Maybe. But beautiful? I’m not sure anyone besides Mark has ever called me that and it feels strange to hear it from someone else. I look at Mia wide-eyed, not sure what to say, but she looks pleased.
How in the hell do I respond to that? Easy.
I don’t. Instead I get Pete’s attention for another drink because my mouth feels full of cotton balls and I can’t speak. Let alone think clearly.
When I finally get the courage to look back at Zack, he just raises his eyebrows. “Surely that’s not the first time you’ve heard that.”
I shake my head, still feeling too stupid to speak and blush again as he laughs softly.
Jake looks at his watch and sets down his beer. “I hate to break this up, but we gotta get going.”
Zack frowns and looks at me and Mia, then to Jake. He nods once and set his drink down too. He throws out some cash on the counter and smacks his hand on the counter and moves like he’s going to turn away, but then pauses and turns back.
“We have to get to the Center for a last minute sound check. Would you two want to come with us?” He looks at Mia. “You could meet the rest of the band and then I can get you some tickets to the concert tomorrow.
"Yes!"
“I can’t.”
Zack glances back and forth and between us with Mia's look of excitement completely opposite my look of, fear, maybe?
Mia's face softens with a loving smile as she turns to me, and I know I look like an idiot standing here saying nothing. Coming to Jack’s Bar was one thing, but actually going to listen to Zack Walter’s play live? It’s too much.
She leans in and whispers. “You remember what tonight is about?”
Zack looks confused, and rightfully so. I swear silently to myself as Mia pleads with her eyes for me to say yes. I can’t resist her.
With a very small smile and equally quiet voice Mia just used with me, I nod my head and look at Zack.
"Sure, Zack. That'd be really nice. Thank you."
"Good.” His eyes sparkle, just a bit, and he smacks Jake on the shoulder. “Our driver, Darren, is waiting for us, but pull up to the South Entrance at the Center in ten minutes and he’ll be outside for you.”
He takes a few steps towards me and I freeze. I cling tightly to my beer bottle when his hand reaches out and softly touches one of the curls in my hair. His eyes soften and suddenly all I can to is stare at the light green that has darkened slightly. One side of his lips quirk up just a little bit, leaving this sexy smirk. I have a feeling it’s the same one that causes girls all over the country to drop their panties at his concerts. Or at least that’s Mia claims. But I totally get the feeling because I suddenly have butterflies flying like mad in my stomach as he gazes down on me. Screw that, it’s not butterflies, it feels more like monkeys jumping on a trampoline. And it scares the hell out of me, but not in a bad, I need to run away now, way. More like it feels so good, I want to lean closer and snuggle up to him sort of way.
“See you in ten minutes?” He asks so softly and roughly that I almost don’t hear him over the noise in the bar. I’m stuck stupid and can’t say anything, so I just nod. At least I hope that’s what I do because I can’t really tell if I’m moving at all.
He lets go of my hair and chuckles softly – more to himself than me- and flashes a wave and large smile to Mia. “See you soon.”
I watch him walk away, still frozen.
“Oh my shit,” Mia whispers and I turn to her, with my mouth nearly on the ground. “That was hot.”
My eyes widen but she just laughs at me. “Don’t tell me you didn’t realize he was hitting on you just then. I mean I know it’s been awhile but he just stared at you like a starving man needing dinner.”
I roll my eyes and shake my head, trying to clear my mind from whatever just happened.
She links my arm with hers and I follow her out the door, still slightly stunned that not only did Zack Walters just hit on me…did he, really? But even more stunned that a man touching me didn’t feel nearly as scary or as uncomfortable as I thought it would.
I actually enjoyed it.
Chapter Three
I feel the beat of a bass drum vibrating along the floor before we open the doors to the arena’s stage floor. I wipe my sweaty palms along the sides of my skirt and press my fingers into the palm of my hands hoping even the smallest amount of pain will take my focus off the overwhelming nerves flooding me. I clench my eyes shut tightly and exhale loudly.
Mia’s hand takes my elbow firmly. I look to her and all I can think about is how terrified I am, of potentially hearing one of the very last songs I heard over a year ago, and at the same time, how sick I am of being terrified all the time. I have to do this. If there’s even the smallest desire in me of wanting to live again and move past all of this, I have to walk through these doors.
“You can do this,” she says to me and squeezes my elbow as her free hand reaches the door.
I nod once. I hope I can, because I want to.
My jaw drops once I walk through the doors. When Mark and I would go to concerts, I used to love the energy when you walk into a packed arena filled with thousands of people and you can sense everyone’s anticipation for the show that’s sure to come. But there’s something about walking into the arena now, even from the farthest point from the stage on the main floor, and seeing it completely empty that amazes me. I look around at the empty seats and rows of hundreds of chairs in front of us, the activity of men moving heavy equipment on rollers, stringing power chords along the floor to the lighting booth near us. It sends shivers of excitement down my spine.
I played the piano for years, and majored in Music at the U of M. I’m no stranger to giving concerts or performing in front of a live audience. But my biggest audiences of five hundred people pales in comparison to venues like this. I try to imagine what it feels like to be a musician, on this kind of stage, looking out into a room this large with all of this activity, knowing that in less than twenty-four hours it will be filled with thousands of fans screaming along to music you pour your heart and soul into. I fail miserably because as hard as I try, I can’t even begin to imagine. In this place, right now, I feel an excitement and energy in the cavernous room which pales my memories of previous concerts – the ones I gave and attended.
Mia’s expression mirrors mine once I take my eyes off the thousands of empty seats and look to her.
“This is amazing.” She whispers it reverently before pulling her gaze from mine, up to the front of the stage where almost a dozen men are standing, bending over instruments, tuning a handful of guitars and banging out a beat on the drum set. I assume it’s a mixture of the band and roadies.
“I owe you big time for this.”
“Yeah….” My voice trails off as I wipe the sweat off my palms again because it is amazing. It’s thrilling and nerve-wracking at the same time.
I can’t believe I’m doing this.
I watch Zack clasp a man’s
shoulder on the stage as we walk closer, Mia’s high-heels clicking a rhythmic beat against the flooring. Even from his profile I see his brows furrowed while he shakes his head back and forth. He’s no longer wearing his baseball cap and I watch as he takes his hand off the man’s shoulder, rubs it through his hair and exhales. When he’s done, his hair looks messy and perfect in a way that only a guy’s hair can. He turns away from the man and freezes when he sees us.
I watch his lips twitch a little bit and he offers up a small wave. “You made it.”
“We wouldn’t have missed it. Thanks for letting us come,” Mia says excitedly. I can practically feel her trying to contain her squealing.
I smile hesitantly because as much as I’m trying to be brave right now and as much as I hate it, there’s still a large amount of fear in me. Zack turns and says something to a few of the men who look up at us and walk towards him on the stage. I can’t tear my eyes off Zack, or the way his muscles on his arm move when he runs his fingers through his hair and I suspect that not all of my fear is directly related to hearing his music, but simply him.
Before I can even begin to process what it all means, he hops off the stage and is almost immediately flanked by Jake and two other guys. He waves his arm out in introduction. “Meet the rest of my band. Mia, Nicole…” he stops for a minute and smiles at me. “Chase and Garrett. They play the drums and electric guitar.”
Chase steps forward first, he’s enormous and intimidating with a chest larger than a football player and a shiny bald head, partially covered by a bandana wrapped around his forehead. If I saw this guy on the street, I would probably cross to the other side to avoid him. I almost want to take a step back when he reaches his hand out but his large, friendly smile relaxes me. “Chase. Nice to meet you.” He quirks an eyebrow at me. “Nicole, is it?”
I nod and shake his hand. “Nice to meet you.”
“Heard a lot about you,” he says with a smug grin.
“Shut up,” Zack mutters almost inaudibly but hits him playfully on the shoulder.
Next to me, Mia chortles. Awesome. I have a feeling all of her preconceived notions she mentioned on the way over here about Zack wanting me were just confirmed and all I can do is stand in front of all these strangers feeling like a moron because I have no idea what to say as I hear Chase chuckle softly next to him.
He turns and introduces himself to Mia and I’m saved from having to say anything at all when Jake introduces us to Garrett. He’s friendly and casual as he smiles and shakes our hands.
Zack clears his throat and glances to the stage. There’s one man left on stage, plugging in some chords on a keyboard. “That’s Ethan, our keyboarder.” He shouts up to him and I shudder when he glares at me. His jet black hair falls over his forehead and almost into his eyes. It’s his eyes that scare me. Even from this distance they look black, almost feral. I resist the urge to scrunch my face up in disgust at the greasy way his glare makes me feel.
“He’s….temperamental.” Zack doesn’t hide his scowl. His chest and arms tightens alerting me to tension between the two of them. I reach out and place my hand on his forearm.
I gasp inwardly and immediately remove my hand from his arm, but that doesn’t stop Zack from smiling down on me and turning all attention on me.
“Is it okay you’re here?”
I tuck a piece of hair behind and make a face.
“It’s just that…you said you couldn’t come at first.”
I nod once. “I know.” I flip my hand out dismissively and look around the stage again. “This is hard for me.”
His eyebrows wrinkle in confusion and his mouth opens, and then closes almost immediately. I can’t believe I mentioned anything, even though it clearly makes no sense to him. Which is fine - it doesn’t have to.
“It's fine, really. Mia's having a blast and it was really nice of you to invite us. You've totally made her the happiest girl in the world tonight."
"I am really glad I ran into you tonight, Nicole. It's not often that any of us feel like we can meet anyone and just be ourselves for a while." With a flirtatious grin, he slowly reaches up and pushes a stray hair behind my ear, letting his thumb brush against my cheek. My breath catches in my throat as his light touch sends goose bumps all over my body.
And all I can do is stare at him with my eyes wide, while his eyes are sparkling, his lips pursed lightly together. I think I should maybe move closer, or take a step back, but I can’t decide which to choose before he slowly drops his hand and returns it to his front pocket. Where his thumb lightly brushed, my cheek now feels cold; missing something important. I frown slightly, trying to figure out if that’s a good thing or a bad one when we’re interrupted by a man dressed in all black.
“We need to get to work. Scottie and Hoppy didn’t show tonight and we’ve got a dozen more guitars to check for you.”
My eyes widen. A dozen more guitars? How many does he need?
Zack simply nods at the man. “Nicole, this is Grey. He’s one of our roadies.”
I smile and shake his hand before he walks away. Clearly he’s an all-business kind of guy.
“Need any help with those?” I smile at Mia as she bounces up to us. Her fingers are practically twitching at the idea of getting her hands on one of Zack Walter’s guitars.
He raises an eyebrow. “With what?”
“Tuning your guitars.”
“You know how?”
I snort. I can’t help myself. “Mia’s played the guitar since she was nine.”
Both eyebrows shoot up as he glances back and forth between us. “Really?”
“Yeah, but if you think that’s impressive, you should hear Nic play…”
“Mia.” I snap at her, even though I know I totally walked right into it. Her eyes are dancing with excitement and I know it won’t be long before she spills it. If she thought he was interested in me before, she’s probably thinking his interest will only increase if he knows how well I can play.
“You play….?” Zack looks at me with interest in his eyes. I know he wants me to finish what Mia started. I don’t. Instead I just shrug.
“Nothing. It was a long time ago.” I reach out to take Mia’s arm. “Come on. I’ll help you out.”
I look back to Zack and smile weakly. “If that’s okay?”
He takes one step closer to me, his eyes darkening as he looks me up and down. I start to wonder if someone increased the temperature because my body feels ten degrees warmer. It’s shocking he can do this to me. It’s even more shocking I’m not turning away and running out of here in fear; yet.
“Interesting.” His voice is deeper, huskier.
I swallow, taking a minute to calm down and figure out why him looking at me like this causes my heart race in all sorts of ways that have nothing to do with the thought of music.
“What is?”
He gazes directly into my eyes and then frowns. I feel like he’s searching into me, trying to figure out all the half-truths and carefully worded responses tonight and unravel the woman before him. It works. I feel completely unraveled as he stares at me saying nothing.
One side of his lips twitch.
“You are.” And then he winks at me playfully. He waves towards the large crate of guitars sitting on the right side of the stage. There must be at least thirty acoustic and electric guitars hanging from the hooks inside and my jaw drops in awe. I had no idea he would need all of those for a concert. “Knock yourselves out. We need to get practicing.”
Mia tugs my arm gently in the direction of the guitars but I can’t move yet. He hasn’t taken his eyes off mine and I know I’m blushing ten different shades of red right now.
“Close your mouth,” she whispers to me. I snap it shut, not even realizing I had it dropped and scowl at her.
“I can’t believe you did that to me.”
“I told you he was interested. He totally wants you.” I cringe at her sing-song voice.
“Shut up and tune the guitars,�
� I mutter and walk over to the crate and peer at an entire row of Martin acoustics and Fender Stratocaster guitars. They’re all so beautiful I hesitate to take one off its hook. Mia, on the other hand, doesn’t hesitate for a second. She peers along the row as if looking for something specific. With a sly grin, she sighs and removes a Martin OM decorated with black and blue bolts across the front.
At my raised eyebrow she holds it out to me and explains, “This is what he played on The Morning Show a few months ago.”
I roll my eyes. “How do you even know all this?”
“Celeb gossip dot com.” I laugh at her ability to memorize the most inane facts about her favorite rock star, but somehow forget to pay her parking tickets.
We zone out, tuning guitars left and right, not even sure if he’ll need them all. But I admit I’m lost in the moment and the atmosphere. It’s been years since I have sat with Mia and tuned a guitar waiting for her to play me something so I can accompany her on the keyboard. I watch Zack out of my eye, as he and his band practice the beginnings of a few songs for their sound check.
But then, a vaguely familiar guitar riff begins to play. I look at Zack and freeze. His eyes are down on his hands, mouth pressed close to the microphone.
He croons into the microphone, the same beginning verse that has haunted me for the last year. “Where were you then….”
It takes a split second, and I see them.
“Mommy, dance with us mommy.” Andrew’s soft hand presses against my clammy cheek.
I sniff, my voice sounds scratchy and weak. “Mommy’s too sick today honey.”
I drop the guitar in my hands as if it just caught on fire and burned me. I look at my hands. They’re shaking and tingling. They feel like they’re being pricked by a thousand needles and I can’t stop the feeling as it travels up my arms. I clench my fists tightly and breathe.
This will not break me. I can do this. I can listen to this without terror. I unclench my fists and rub them roughly against my thighs, trying to erase the tingling.
It’s not working…
