by Lynn, Stacey
I’m transported back to my living room of my old house, with my family. I watch Mark in our living room swinging Andrew around while dancing to the radio. His hair swings around his face, his eyes shining while we laugh at Andrew and how he awkwardly wiggles his hips to try to keep the beat. His shaggy brown hair flies out, flopping around as Mark tosses him into the air.
“…but I love you….it’s all for you….”
Mark’s brown eyes dance with joy as he swings Andrew in his arms to the song. He stalks toward me and bends down so our eyes are level, singing all the words to his new favorite song.
“….it’s all for you…..forever and all of my days. Your soft skin…”
I snort pathetically. “If I didn’t feel so sick right now I’d kiss you.”
Mark’s lips touch mine, gently and lovingly. “Even sick you’re irresistible.”
“Come on, dad…..dance!” Andrew tugs Mark’s arm as we look into each other’s eyes. It doesn’t matter how long we’ve been married, he still looks at me like he did after our very first kiss. I feel like the most special and treasured gift in the world.
He leans in and kisses me again before turning and throwing Andrew so high into the air his head almost hits the ceiling. I lay on the couch, covered in a thick covered blanket, shaking and sweating from the fever. Having the flu in June is miserable. I shudder from the sickness, but refuse to take my eyes off my boys, dancing around to Mark’s favorite new song.
When the song ends, Mark sends Andrew to get his baseball cleats on.
He leans down for one last kiss. “Take a nap and I’ll bring you ice cream home later. Maybe that will help. I love you.” He winks at me, knowing my one weakness is a hot fudge sundae. He knows me perfectly and I love his thoughtfulness.
“Be safe and have fun.” I wave to them tiredly.
I let Mark kiss me one more time before kissing Andrew. “Do your best, slugger and have a blast.”
“Love you mommy.”
The door clicks behind them, but I barely hear it before I drift off into a flu-induced coma.
I sit there, gasping, as I watch the vision play out before me. The huge indoor stadium becomes small and cramped. I need air.
Before I can say anything to Mia, I’m running down the main aisle towards the back where Mia and I had walked in earlier. I throw myself through the back doors looking around. I gasp for breath – simply trying not to pass out when I crouch over and put my hands on my knees. All I can see is Mark and Andrew. I close my eyes trying to take deep breaths, but all I see when I close my eyes are their smiles and their eyes sparkling in joy, and the reminder that I forgot to tell them the very most important thing in the world.
I don't move when I feel an arm come around my shoulder, but I begin to hear Mia whispering in my ear, "Shhhh....it's okay, Nic. I'm here."
One hand moves to my cheek as she wipes tears off my face. She quietly repeats herself into my ear and holds me tightly. I let her pull me up and into her arms as she surrounds me with one of her loving hugs, while I struggle to find the words to speak.
Still gasping for breath, I try to explain myself, "I never told them I loved them…”
"Oh honey, I'm so sorry." Mia continues to hold me until I feel myself finally begin to calm in her presence. "They knew, Nic. You know they knew how much you loved them."
I have no idea how much time passes before my breathing slows enough to nod my head and let her go. I look at her, slightly hunched over with my arms hugging myself still trying to find comfort.
"I can't believe I just ran out of there like that."
I turn my head behind us when I hear the sound of a door clicking shut. Completely mortified, I see Zack standing there, leaning back against the wall with a look on his face that I can’t quite place. I turn away from him, back to Mia. "Bathroom. I need the bathroom."
Zack must have overheard. “It’s down the hall, second door on the left.”
Mia holds out her hand with my purse and hands it to me. I don't look back at Zack as I nod and walk away.
I gasp when I see how horrific I look in the bathroom mirror. My hair is flying all over the place. My cheeks are streaked with what little mascara I had on earlier and my eyes are puffy and blood shot. My skin is pale – completely drained of all color. I look like utter crap. And feel even worse.
I splash some cold water on my face trying to scrub off the mascara, and run my wet fingers through my hair pulling it up into a loose ponytail. I let out an exhausted breath and grip the edges of the sink. I knew I shouldn’t have come.
***
Both Mia and Zack turn as I walk back down the hallway towards them. I can’t look Zack in the eye I’m so embarrassed he just saw me looking and acting like that. This is why I avoid music and concerts. I’m sure he now understands at least some of the things I half-spoke earlier.
"So..." Zack says slowly and cautiously. I raise my eyes to his and see a hint of concern in them. I want to fall into a black hole and disappear. “I have some tickets and backstage passes if you still want to come tomorrow.”
Mia cocks her head to the side, shrugs her shoulders, and flashes me a look that says the decision is up to me. I hate how sorry she looks right now since coming here was her idea. I hate how I panicked and freaked out, not only embarrassing myself, but shortened her night in the process. I know how much going to this concert means to her. I also know she can call any one of her dozens of friends if I back out, but I know the only way I get past this is to keep trying, to keep being brave. I can’t spend the rest of my life hiding in fear. I have to do this for me and for Mia because I’m suddenly really tired of her always having to be here to comfort me.
I give the briefest hint of a smile, but straighten my back and look Zack right in the eye. "Yeah, we'll be here."
If I wasn’t so exhausted, the large genuine smile he gives us would probably be contagious. Instead I’m spent and can only watch him rock back on his heels with his hands in pockets. “I’m really glad you could come hang out with us for a little, even if it didn’t end on the best note.” I can’t contain the snort at his double entendre.
“That was pretty cheesy, Zack.” Mia laughs.
He shrugs unashamedly. “I’m a musician, not a comedian. Come on, we're all done in here for the night. I'll walk you out to your car."
***
I walk in the door to my condo and head into my kitchen without bothering to turn on any lights on the way. After setting the coffee pot alarm for the next morning, I brush my teeth and get ready for bed. I change into one of Mark's old college soccer shirts, and crawl into our still-too-large-for-just-me bed. I lay in bed and think of Mark. We loved music. He dragged me to every local band he could find for years, and while I didn’t care for his appreciation of heavier rock, my own love of music quickly sold me on local alternative and soft rock talent. We hit every major rock concert that came to the city and I loved every single minute. Music lost the joy and hope it once gave me after their accident. Instead, every song I heard left me feeling more alone, and more lost than before. I knew tonight was going to be hard, I just didn’t realize it was going to be that bad.
I can’t stop myself from thinking of Zack and the concerned look in his eyes when I came out of the bathroom or how they sparkled when he winked at me. And the smile when I said I would come to the concert. I feel ridiculous. A few hours earlier I was talking to Mia about the idea of potentially dating and now I’m infatuated with smoky green eyes and a sexy smile. I take a deep breath and close my eyes, feeling utterly foolish over the whole night.
Zack Walters is leaving in just a few days and I’ll never see him again. There’s no reason to even be thinking about him. I drift off to sleep with tears in my eyes thinking of all I have lost and wondering if I’ll ever really be able to move on.
Chapter Four
The seats Zack gave us are in the very front row just to the right of center stage. Mia about fainted when she saw them. When the ope
ning band, The Samson Brothers, takes the stage, I internally fight with myself to stay in the moment. I want to enjoy the moment. Soak up the sounds of the crowd and the beating in my chest from music I don’t recognize, but all I can think about is Mark.
We would jam out to the music and dance around our house being completely ridiculous. The memories flash through my mind and bring a smile to my face. He would want me to do this. I shock myself at the thought, but I know it’s true. Mark was full of life and brought joy to everyone who knew him. There is nothing he hated more than seeing people wallow in self-pity. Life is too short to be sad he would say when I asked him how he could always be smiling, regardless of what kind of day he’d had.
And I get it; finally.
He’d want me to grieve, but not at the expense of being as miserable and scared as I’ve been the last year. Nothing would disappoint him more. I smile as I think of him and his dark eyes filled with humor and mischief at our first concert. He would want me to live my life with the same passion we always did. And somehow, I realize I want it. I want to be able to dance and smile and not feel the weight of the grief pressing down on my chest so tightly it hurts to breathe.
I close my eyes, wanting to see him smiling down on me encouraging me to move forward; to be brave. To stop counting the days of misery but start looking forward to what life has in store for me. Except it’s not a set of dark brown eyes I see. Instead, a pair of light green eyes wink at me. I feel a smile tease at the corner of my lips.
I open my eyes to some song I don’t recognize, but I can feel the excitement and energy in the crowd. I feel a freedom, suddenly, from realizing that Mark would want me here, living like we always used to. Soon, I’m lost in the music with everyone else and as I dance – for the first time in sixteen months – I see Mia smiling at me happily and proudly.
Once the stage lights lowers and the opening band exits the stage, Mia grabs my arm while flashing all her bright white teeth in an enormous smile.
"This is amazing, Nic!!! Can you actually believe I'm here!? And in the first row!" She claps her hands and jumps up around with glee.
Before I can respond to her, a low rumble against my feet drags my attention to the low reverberating beat of a bass drum on the stage. It’s completely dark, and even though I can’t see him yet, I imagine Chase at the back of the stage, bandana wrapped around his head, rhythmically tapping the kick drum pedal. The wild sound of the crowd chanting and cheering takes me so off guard I cover my ears for a second. Removing them, I turn back to the stage as Zack and the rest of his band move into their positions, the lights slowing increasing.
Between the insane way the crowd is acting to this guy’s presence on stage, and the overwhelming noise, I don't think I could move even if I wanted to. My feet are plastered into cement weights at my ankles and attached to the floor beneath me.
Zack strolls to the microphone, guitar slung over his shoulder, and raises his arms while smiling, showing a full mouth of perfectly white teeth.
"Hello, Minneapolis, how are you tonight!" He calls into the microphone with a perfectly lopsided grin, setting the crowd on fire all over again, the floor rumbling beneath me. Next to me, Mia grabs my arm and jumps and screams along with everyone else. I do nothing except stand there, still frozen in place, and look at the man on stage.
He looks good; really good. He’s wearing faded and slightly ripped jeans and a vintage looking black Rolling Stones shirt that stretches across his chest perfectly, not leaving anything to the imagination about how his body looks beneath it.
I watch the details of his tattoo on the inside of his right forearm dance across his arm as he flexes his arms and fingers. I’m close enough to see that even though he just stepped on stage, a light shimmer of sweats drips across his hairline. Last night he seemed approachable, maybe even boyish. But tonight on stage, he looks intimidating, commanding, and shockingly, I admit to myself, breathtakingly gorgeous. I gulp, swallowing a lump in my throat, suddenly understanding why Mia has had a framed picture of him next to her bed for the last several years.
Mia laughs at me while nudging me with her hip, but my eyes are focused on the man on center stage. He wears an amused smile, perhaps enjoying the banter of the crowd. His eyes however, are fixed on me. Like they are penetrating every pore of my body and soul. He looks as if he is almost daring me to run and escape him while I still have the chance but the intensity has me completely frozen.
It feels like he is the only other person in the entire arena. I can focus on nothing except him. I swallow deeply, my throat and entire mouth suddenly dry. He looks up at the crowd briefly and then back to me. I wonder if he feels the same intensity, the same power as I do. He blinks once, then twice, and some of the intensity diminishes. At least enough to remember there was a crowd of thousands listening to him.
The bass drum begins a deafening steady beat that almost exactly matches the beat of my own heart.
I hear Mia try to yell something in my ear next to me that sounds like “told ya' he wants you” but I can’t make out her words over the noise of the crowd. I can only hold her arm for support while she moves to the music and belts out the lyrics now filling the enormous arena. The music is loud, but slow and has a soulful sound to it. It’s the perfect blend of alternative and folk rock and I love it. Every single song.
I am having fun. For the second time in over a year and three months, and it feels great. The knowledge ushers in a sense of freedom and before long, I lose myself to the music and atmosphere along with thousands of other singing women and men.
After the band leaves the stage after their second encore song, Mia pulls me into a tight embrace, "That was awesome! Thank you so much for coming! Did you like them? I told you Zack wanted you, he could barely keep his eyes off of you the entire time he was up there. What'd you think, seriously?"
I roll my eyes at her ramblings but smile and join in her laughter. "That. was. wonderful. I can't remember the last time I have had so much fun."
Right as I let go of her hug, I feel a tap on my shoulder, and turn around. A burly man with a bright yellow shirt stands in front of us, smiling. SECURITY is written across his massive chest in large black letters.
"Zack wants me to escort you two back stage. They need to go to the dressing rooms and get cleaned up, but he said he’d join you in the common room when they’re done."
Without warning, he lifts us over the railing while the concert goers around us moan and beg to come along. Mia holds my hand as we follow the security guard down a back hallway, and this time, I am pretty sure I squeal right along with her.
"So, what'd you think?" Jake asks as he pushes off a door and walked towards us. He looks freshly showered and I briefly wonder where the rest of the band is.
"It was great, really. You guys put on a great show," I respond while smiling at him.
“Come on, I’ll lead you to the common room.”
“What’s the common room?” Mia asks.
“It’s just a large area we hang out after the shows. All the fans with backstage passes can come back and meet us. Or the media that’s here for an interview. It’s like a post-show party every night.”
“Wow,” I say. It’s all I can say, really. In all my years of concert going, I never imagined I’d be backstage at a sold out rock concert. I almost want to pinch myself to see if this is some strange dream. Instead I just look at Mia and listen to her squeal with delight again.
Mia and I enter the room behind Jake and stumble slightly. Right inside the door are about a dozen girls. Not girls, really. Probably more like groupies. Half-dressed groupies who are already drinking and dancing to music playing. Beyond them, are a small clusters of reporters holding their notebooks and cameras. They arch their necks slightly as we come in, and go back to minding their own business once they realize we’re completely insignificant. The rest of the people in the room look as awed as Mia and I do, probably fans just like we are, anxious to meet their favorite musician
. It’s overwhelming, slightly, to be in a room with so many people who have come to see the guy I spent so many hours with last night. The guy who seems so normal when he’s not on stage.
“Is it like this every night?” I ask Jake in awe. Several women instantly notice him and begin walking our way like they have finally found their prize for the night.
He laughs softly and runs his fingers through his long hair. “Yeah…sometimes. Some nights there’s a lot more people.”
I grab a bottled water from the bar and turn to Mia. She smiles - that same mischievous smile from the previous night.
“What?” I ask with a raised eyebrow.
“Seriously? I’m only going to say this one more time. Zack Walters totally wants you. I’m just…in awe. Truly.”
“Whatever.” I look out at the room towards all the women and men who are standing around anxiously waiting to see Zack. I wonder if their palms are sweating and their hearts are beating as badly as mine currently are.
“Listen, I know you’re totally out of touch with dating, and anything to do with flirting, and I know it’s been like years since you’ve even had to think about that kind of stuff. But he could barely keep his eyes off of you when he was on stage tonight.”
The squeals from the groupies increase ten-fold. I don’t have to turn towards the door to know Zack has entered. But I look anyway, and as I watch women clamoring for his attention, I wish I hadn’t. Something twists in my stomach as I watch the scene unfold. Jealousy? Surely not. I shake the thought away.
To my amazement, he is watching me. He glances at a few women who are in between us and I can tell from the way his mouth moves he’s thanking them for coming. But for the most part, he politely pushes them off while still moving towards us, and stops only to sign some autographs and answer a few questions from the reporters. It takes him ten minutes to reach us through the crowd in the small room. I watch him the entire time.
He reaches us and frowns at Jake standing behind me. “Don’t be a douche, man,” he says to him.
