by Lynn, Stacey
“What?” I ask and look at Chase and Garrett sitting across from me on the couches. We’re on our way to North Carolina and it’s practically the middle of the night. Ethan is upstairs passed out and Nicole is sleeping.
They laugh a little bit when I look at her door. She’s fifteen feet away from me, barely dressed, and sleeping. I can only imagine how beautiful and sweet she looks when she’s in her bed. Christ.
“You nail her yet?” Garrett laughs when I scowl at him. He’s just giving me shit and I totally deserve it, but still. I don’t want him or anyone else thinking of Nic that way. She’s mine.
The thought rattles me. I’ve known her for less than two weeks….but she is. I want all of her.
My lip twitches and I take a drink of my beer so I don’t say something stupid and show them how messed up I really am just thinking about her.
“None of your business,” I say with a scowl.
“She’s got you all twisted up in knots, man.” Chase shakes his head like he’s amazed. He probably is. And she does have me twisted up – but it’s not the reason they’re thinking. It’s not just because we haven’t had sex yet, even though I want too. It’s because she’s all I think about and it feels crazy. I haven’t thought about a girl like this since before I made my first record deal.
Garrett smiles at me knowingly. Apparently he’s going to stop being a prick. He’s the only one of us who has been able to have a halfway normal relationship since we started touring. I want to pick his brain and ask him how he and Chloe manage to stay together when they spend so much time apart. It kills me that in a couple of weeks Nicole’s going to be heading back home to Minneapolis.
And I don’t want her to go.
God I’m messed up.
Suddenly, the door to her room opens and Nicole stands in the doorway. My mouth drops open and I clench my beer when I see her. She has on….practically nothing. I feel my jeans get tighter just looking at her and then I frown. Her eyes are red and her cheeks are pink.
She’s been crying, but before I can ask her why, she crosses her arms and walks across the living area and just climbs onto my lap.
What in the hell? I shoot Chase and Garrett a look and nod my head for them to leave. They get up immediately and thankfully, without a word. I wait until they’re gone before I brush her hair out of her face.
“What’s going on?” I ask and I realize I sound like my tongue is caught in my throat. It might be. Nicole has never seemed so vulnerable like she does right now and she doesn’t say anything so I just wrap my arms around her and lean back into the couch, letting her hide her face in my chest.
She feels amazing and smells even better and it makes me think all sorts of things I shouldn’t be right now, but I can’t help it.
“I don’t want to be alone,” she says, just above a whisper into my chest.
“What happened?” I ask again, hoping she’ll talk to me. Slowly she pulls her face up to me and I resist the urge to kiss her. Her eyes are sad.
“I just had a bad dream.” She puts her face back against my chest and I smile against the top of her head when she breathes in deeply. I can tell she doesn’t want to talk about it, so I don’t ask. I can only imagine what her dreams are like.
Instead, I do the one thing I’ve been thinking of doing with this girl ever since the first time I saw her.
I wrap an arm around her back and another under her knees and stand up. I carry her to her room and she only once looks at me with questioning eyes.
I shake my head and say nothing. This isn’t the night for sex; I just have the strangest and crazy urge to hold her all night and keep her safe and erase the tears from her eyes. She’s had enough to cry about.
I lay her down and take a few steps back. I need some space because even though I know I shouldn’t want her right now; I do. I turn my back and strip off my jeans and shirt and crawl into bed next to her.
Her eyes are all hazy when I look at her and I love it.
“Come here,” I say and pull her into my arms on our sides.
She rolls over and brushes her lips against mine, just barely touching them. I don’t deepen it though. She needs something right now but I don’t know what it is, so I let her set the pace. When her tongue flicks against my bottom lip, I decide to screw that idea.
I pull her to me more tightly and run my hands down her hair and the length of her back. My hands spread out across her back almost covering her entirely. She’s so small in my hands.
I end the kiss and move to kiss her jaw and then her neck. I want to explore every inch of her, but I don’t want to take advantage of her tonight.
“You taste so good,” I choke out against her throat, “and I want to taste every inch of you right now.” I smile against her skin when I feel her shudder. She wants me – it’ll happen soon enough – and I can wait.
I pull back just enough to raise her face so she can look me in the eyes. “But not tonight. Let me hold you and we’ll talk tomorrow.”
“I want you, too,” she whispers right before sleep claims her. I don’t even know if she realizes she said it, but a smile explodes all over my face and I think my heart skipped a beat.
I’m such a pussy.
I rub my hand through my hair roughly and take a deep breath. She feels absolutely amazing in my arms when I finally close my eyes.
***
Nicole
I wake up in the morning, gasping for air, as the last words Mark spoke to me in my dream resonate throughout my entire body.
“We will always be right here. Nothing or nobody will ever take our place, and you will never forget, but be happy, Nic. For me….and for him.”
I look around and realize I’m alone. I don’t know what happened the other night, but Zack and I have spent every night in his bed or mine since then. I never told him about the dream – when I saw Mark’s car flip and I saw the entire scene play out in front of my eyes while I screamed in agony, watching everything. I woke up crying and didn’t want to be alone. I was too sad to care about being embarrassed when I crawled into his lap like a lost kitten.
I felt like one.
And he did exactly what I needed. He held me and kissed me, and somehow, took away my nightmare. I want him. I know he’s struggling with not taking things too far with me, and I can’t tell him how much I want him, too. But something keeps holding me back from taking that last step.
Last night’s dream was different though. It wasn’t like the nightmares I had for months after the accident and it was completely different than the one I had last week.
It felt so real when I was standing at the baseball field at our old house watching Mark and Andrew throw a baseball around. It felt like a typical Saturday afternoon. There wasn’t a cloud in the sky and the late spring sun was quickly warming everything around us. I’m shaken by the dream, not because of what I re-lived through it, but because it didn’t hurt as much as it used to. I filter through the images I saw and the words I hear spoken. I feel nothing but peace. I can sense Mark giving me his blessing and it warms me to the depths of my soul.
Was this what I’ve been needing?
I climb out of bed when the smell of coffee becomes too strong to ignore and do my best to shake off last night’s dream while I shower and get dressed.
I fill a cup of coffee and grab my laptop, hoping to get lots of photo editing done this morning before the band wakes up and we have to get ready for another concert tonight. I’m getting better at photographing their concerts. Since my new lens arrived last week when we were in Detroit, the concerts have been much easier and more fun to photograph. It’s been ten days since I boarded this bus, and I try to spend my time ignoring the fact that in less than two weeks, I’ll have to say good-bye to Zack.
The thought alone causes my chest to clench up. I don’t want to say good-bye to him.
My body warms again, just at the thought of him and last night, how we had stayed on the bus to watch a movie while everyone else h
it a club. It was a completely normal activity for a couple to do, and while we haven’t declared a couple status, that’s what it feels like.
I’m lost in my thoughts when I enter the living room to set up my laptop and get to work, so although I had noticed the music coming from the room, nothing could have prepared me for the sight in front of me.
Zack is sitting on the couch playing his guitar. His head is down, eyes are closed, and his eyebrows furrowed in concentration.
This isn’t unusual. What is unusual is the way he looks.
He has on cotton pajama pants, and nothing else. I freeze instantly, not wanting him to know I’m in the doorway. I almost want to sneak back to my room and grab my camera to get a picture like this, but I don’t want to miss a second of the perfection in front of me.
I gulp slowly. He’s completely lost in his music, looking like the sexiest thing I have ever seen.
I watch the muscles on his arm and across his chest ripple as he plays the guitar slowly. He bobs his head to whatever song he’s playing and periodically, a musical humming sound escapes his lips. He’s the most beautiful man I’ve ever met in my entire life.
“Do you like what you see?”
He doesn’t look up at me, or even open his eyes, and I’m amazed he even knows I’m here. I wonder briefly if he feels the same way about me as I do about him. Whenever he enters a room, it’s like there’s an electrical current that pulls my eyes directly to him. I can just sense his presence.
Slowly, he stops playing and turns his head towards me wearing a smug grin that makes me instantly want to crawl into his lap and kiss him all over. I would say something, but words completely fail me. I look directly at him and see his lips pulled into a tight line trying to hold back a laugh. “I hope I didn’t wake you.”
“Um, no. You didn’t at all.” I struggle to find something else to say because all I really want to do is run my hands all over the front of his chest, memorizing every line so I can remember them once I go home. The thought snaps me back into reality. I set my laptop and coffee down and try to breathe slowly.
“I’m going to make some breakfast. Do you want an omelet?” It’s the first excuse I can think of to bring some physical space between us right now.
“You’re going to cook for me?” Zack stands up and takes a few steps towards me. I shrug and nod because watching him walk towards me without a shirt on is even sexier than when he plays the guitar. Every single muscle on his chest and abdomen is perfectly defined. And once again, I’m left speechless. “Sounds awesome.”
When he reaches me, he places both of his hands, low on my waist. I jump slightly because I feel an electrical jolt shoot entirely through me. He leans down and places a soft kiss on my lips.
“I’m going to get dressed. I’ll be back in a few minutes.”
“That’s probably a good idea.” I don’t want him to get dressed, but it’s probably for the best if I want to cook something and not burn down the bus.
I feel the heat creep to my cheeks again as he laughs at me and walks away. He says hi to Jake when he hits the stairs and I start cracking the eggs.
“Sweet, Nic! Are you cooking for us today?” Jake’s energy in the morning is off the charts. It’s almost too much to deal with before I finish my first cup of coffee. But I smile anyway, because it’s Jake I simply can’t help but smile whenever he’s around.
I open the fridge and take out more eggs. He accepts this as a yes, which it is. Other than Zack and Mia, Jake has become one of my favorite people in the world. He’s always laughing and smiling, and since the guys have been so stressed over the last week watching Ethan like a hawk trying to keep his drug issues in check, I enjoy his friendly banter.
“Awesome. I don’t remember the last time I had someone cook a meal for me.”
I throw the eggs in the frying pan and start chopping the ham and grating the cheese when I feel Zack enter the kitchen area. It’s a tight fit with all three of us in here and I swear the temperature raises an extra ten degrees. And I know it’s not from the small stove top burner I’m using.
“Your woman is cooking me breakfast, man.” Jake playfully says to Zack. I freeze, slightly, at the phrase ‘your woman.’
“My woman, huh?” I feel him walking closer to me and jump when one hand touches my waist. He gently pulls me back so my entire back is aligned with his chest. His head lowers to my ear and I feel his warm breath by my ear. His voice is just a whisper. “I like the sound of that.”
He nibbles softly on my ear and I think my eyes roll back into my head. He laughs softly as my body physically responds to his touch. I have to have more of him.
Just as quickly as he moved up behind me, he’s gone and a cool breeze comes through the room. He is gone as fast as he came leaving me completely dumbfounded. I have no idea what just happened.
“Your eggs are burning,” Jake says and laughs as he follows Zack to the dining area.
I’m still dumbfounded minutes later when I join them at the table carrying all of our plates, balancing them on my arms and in my hands like I did when I waitressed at Jack’s Bar.
I sit and listen while they talk about the concert tonight and the arena in Philly. It’s one of their biggest venues yet and completely sold out. I listen half-heartedly, but my thoughts drift back to what Mark said in my dream. It felt so real.
“Are you okay?” Zack squeezes my thigh gently and brings me back to the conversation at the table. I look over at him and then at Jake who eyes me warily.
“Yeah, I’m okay.” I sound unbelievable, even to my own ears. I sigh a little bit and look from Jake to Zack. And then at Chase as he joins us at the table, too.
I’m not sure I want to talk about it around all of them yet, but I also feel completely comfortable with these two guys, that maybe now is the right time. At least for some of it.
“Another dream about Mark and I haven’t been able to shake it, I guess.” I frown when I see his worried expression. I wonder what he’s thinking and if he’s upset I even bring Mark up. “Sorry.”
I turn back to my breakfast, that’s now cold, but Zack’s hand lightly grabs my chin and pulls it back to him.
“Don’t,” he says softly. I’m vaguely aware of Chase and Jake sitting with us, but I pay them no attention. I’m completely lost in Zack’s eyes that focus solely on me. “Don’t ever apologize to me for missing them, Nic.”
I nod and take a bite of my food; not sure what to say or how to respond.
“Who’s Mark?” Jake asks cautiously. Chase just looks down at his food and I suspect he may know something, either from Mia or Zack, but I’m not upset. Or surprised, really. I know he and Mia have talked some and I wouldn’t be surprised if she gave him a heads up about some details.
“Mark is my late husband, and Andrew was my son.” Jake’s eyes widen in utter shock. Chase freezes for just a second, but then goes back to eating without ever looking at me; answering my question. He knows something – if not everything.
Zack’s arm falls gently around my shoulders and he pulls me towards him gently. “Want to tell me about it?” he asks.
It only takes me a few seconds to know I can tell him, and one more second to realize I want to tell him. I want him to know everything about me and my life before meeting him. I look briefly at Chase and Jake who are watching me, interested.
“We were at a park near our old house and I was watching Mark play baseball with Andrew.” I bite my lip to hold the tears back and then take a sip of coffee. “It just felt so real; like we were really there. It wasn’t so much the dream though; it was what Mark said…” I trail off and look up at Zack.
He’s patiently waiting for me to continue, giving me time and space to make my own decision on how much to share, like he always does. Taking a deep breath, I continue, “Mark told me he knew they wouldn’t always be here, and for me to move on. That it’d be hard, but to be happy.”
“He sounds like he was a pretty great guy, Nicole.” I
nod in response. I want to ask him what he’s thinking when he hears me talk about Mark or Andrew, but he just looks accepting. Like he knows they’ll always be a part of my life and my memories and he wouldn’t want it any other way. It makes me care about him so much more than I already do because he so easily accepts all of me; baggage and all. I turn away from him before he can see sadness fill my eyes because this time it’s not from my thoughts of Mark or Andrew, it’s the thought of leaving him soon that makes me want to cry.
“He was.”
“What was Andrew like?” I smile when I look at Jake. This is one of the reasons I just absolutely adore this man. It doesn’t matter what he hears, every piece of information flies off his back like he has no problems in the world. He instantly knows the one question that will make me smile.
I do. A big one. I don’t even know how to describe Andrew to other people.
“He was absolutely, the most perfect child ever created.” I smile this time without any sadness; just complete peace. I’m not sure what brought it on. Perhaps the more I share the easier it becomes to move on. I wonder if instead of keeping all the memories bottled up inside of me, if sharing them with others helps their memories live on forever.
Jake rolls his eyes in amusement. “That’s the bullshit answer all moms give. Tell me something real.”
And before I know it, I’m reliving every possible memory I can think of with Andrew. Chase and Jake laugh along with me. I notice when Garrett joins the conversation at some point, but I don’t stop talking. He’s become so much like a brother to me just like the others that I’m completely content having him listen in as well. I watch Jake lean over and whisper something in his ear.
Several times I wipe the tears that fall from my eyes – in happiness and sadness. I have no idea how long I talk, but the whole time, Zack sits next to me, one hand wrapped around my shoulder and the other holding my hand in his lap. I feel his affection for me grow with every passing minute and I gain strength to continue simply from his touch.
