by Lynn, Stacey
“One February, Andrew was almost three. It was freezing outside; like negative ten degrees or something and there was about two feet of snow outside. I was getting lunch ready downstairs in the kitchen while he played Legos in the room. When I looked out the kitchen window, I saw a huge pile of clothes and toys all over the snow. I ran upstairs and found the window wide open and the screen was gone. I was so angry I totally lost it.” I wipe tears away from laughing at the memory. “I went into some crazed-ballistic-mom mode that I didn’t even know existed. I yelled - he cried, so afraid at my freak out - but I was so mad that he broke the window screen. I made him get all bundled up, go outside and pick all of it up. When he finally came back inside, the garbage can I had put on the deck to collect everything was totally overflowing. The clothes were soaking wet and the toys were freezing cold. I finally apologized and gave him some hot cocoa to warm up.” I shake my head. “I was still finding Legos in the yard when I sold the house almost two years later.”
I have no idea how long I talk, but the more stories I tell, the easier it becomes and before too long, I feel freer and lighter than I have felt ever since I lost them. Eventually the guys excuse themselves, using some excuse about practicing to leave the table without being awkward. I flush with sisterly warmth when they reach over and hug me and thank me for sharing. I am blessed to know each of them.
When we’re alone, Zack leans over and presses a gentle kiss on my temple. It’s comforting; not seductive at all, but I blush when I can’t stop my body from responding to his innocent touch.
He notices my blush and looks at me mischievously. “What is it?”
I really want to tell him that I want him. I don’t know why I don’t. It’s the perfect, quiet moment with no one else around, but it feels almost strange, to admit it after everything I just shared. Instead I share another one of my secrets.
“I was in a band once.” I watch as Zack’s facial expression changes from shock, disbelief, wonder, and settle on…skeptical, maybe? It makes me smile.
“Like the marching band?”
“Ha. No. Mia and I started a band in high school called the Pink Fingers.”
“Pink Fingers?” I take a sip of water and wait until he’s done laughing.
“Well, yeah – we were girls and always had our fingernails painted pink. Don’t laugh – we were fifteen. But Mia is pretty good at the guitar; she’s played forever. We could never find a decent girl drummer so we quit after a month. We practiced at my house.”
“What did you play?”
“The keyboard.”
“Really? Are you any good?” His eyebrows shoot up in excitement.
“I’m awesome.” It’s the cockiest thing I have ever said, but I’ve lost the need to be coy around him. I shrug my shoulders like it’s no big deal.
“Shut up.” I laugh when I see Zack’s eyes dancing with amusement. He thinks I’m completely joking, but really, I’m not.
“I was classically trained for about thirteen years and then majored in Music at college. Then I started teaching myself how to play by ear. I can play almost any song after listening to it once. Well, I could when I was playing all the time. Now it might take me a few tries.”
“Play with me.”
“No way.” I shake my head adamantly.
“Come on. We have our sound check in an hour, we can play then.” He looks at me and sees me filled with complete hesitancy. The keyboard got packed up when the house sold and it’s just one more musical thing I haven’t done since Mark’s death. “Unless you’re afraid?”
He sounds like a second grader daring someone to stick their tongue to a frozen pole. He also knows how hard it is for me to turn down a dare, thanks to me and my big mouth telling him about the night Mia dared me to flirt with him.
I exhale dramatically. “I’m not playing with a rock-god.”
“Rock-god?”
I nod slowly. Seriously. “That’s what they call you.”
He leans back in his chair for a moment, considering the phrase. Surely it’s not the first time he’s heard it. “I like it. I think I’ll get it put on some t-shirts.”
I snort and turn my head away. “I can’t today, anyway. Mia’s flying in and I’m picking her up at the airport and bringing her straight to the arena.”
I stand up to leave the table but stop at his voice. “Darren can get her. Just one song. Please?”
Somehow, when he speaks the word please, it does me in every time. He’s not begging, but he gets this intense look on his face like if I just agree to do this one thing, it’ll make him the happiest guy in the world. He’s full of hope and expectation and I realize that all I want to do is make him happy.
“Fine. One song.” I walk away, smiling to myself the whole way.
Chapter Eleven
My heart is racing a thousand beats per minute and no matter what I try to do, I cannot calm myself down. The only people who can see me are Zack, the rest of the band and a few sound techies who are making sure everything’s plugged in and the lights are set correctly for tonight’s performance.
The only person missing is Ethan. Zack and I arrived at the arena earlier so I could play a song with him and still have time to work before Mia flies in. Our fun, or Zack’s idea of fun anyway, came crashing down once Chase showed up to let Zack know that Ethan wasn’t on the bus. His cell phone was off, and no one knew where he was. I watched Zack instantly change from the normal laid-back guy he is to completely pissed off in a span of a split second. They were all ticked off Ethan was running late again, but this time was different because he hadn’t bothered to let anyone know.
The tension all over the stage tonight is so thick I can barely breathe.
There are only a few hours to show time and he could be anywhere in Philly, either strung out on drugs or passed out somewhere. Or, just getting high and planning on showing up whenever he feels like it. It’s the unknown that has everyone rattled.
I did the only thing I could think of to help them out. I offered to play his parts for the rehearsal and sound check. Except now I feel like my heart’s going to explode and I wish with every breath I take that Ethan will walk in the door and save me.
I force a smile when Zack walks to me. “You okay with this?”
“I think I would be since I offered, but no; I’m sort of freaking out.” I don’t know why this is. I have done piano recitals since I was five and I’m not one to typically get stage fright. But this is different. This time I’m playing with a professional band in an arena that will be filled with thirty thousand people in a matter of hours. And what happens if Ethan doesn’t show up? Surely they don’t expect me to be able to know enough to fill in for him for an entire concert.
I can’t believe I’m doing this.
Suddenly, Zack’s hands grip my waist and pulls me flush against his chest. If he’s trying to calm me down, it’s not working. I breathe in and smell his soap and masculinity. Being so close to him only increases my nerves, but in an entirely different way. He raises a hand to the back of my neck and forces me to look at him.
“Are you good?” Well, no, I’m not. I’m such a wreck I feel like throwing up, but I’m not going to tell him that. Plus, I think he’s asking about something different so I nod.
“You’ve heard all these songs at least a half dozen times now. If you’re as good as you say you are you’ll be completely fine.” His reassurance flatters me, but he has yet to hear me play, and all my earlier bravado and confidence has run far away from me.
I don’t respond, because when he’s this close to me, holding me so tightly, it’s difficult for me to breathe, or think, or remember my name; much less the songs I’ve been hearing for the last ten days.
I bite my upper lip, sucking it in nervously and watch Zack’s eyes darken. He likes it when I do this and I know it teases him. I’m not currently trying to, but I can’t help that my body responds naturally to that hungry look he gets in his eyes. His lips are on mine, pulling
out my lip before I can think another thought. On instinct, my hands grip the front of his shirt and I pull him closer. I know we’re supposed to be doing something else right now, and I have a vague recollection there are other people in the room, but as soon as Zack’s lips touch mine, the entire world vanishes.
He pulls apart from me almost as quickly as the kiss began leaving my head spinning. I’m left gasping for air, completely breathless and I smile when I see he’s doing the same thing. I love that I have that effect on him.
“Don’t think about the music. Just play what you hear.”
He gives me one quick kiss on the forehead, nods to the guys who are waiting off to the side of the stage, and walks to the front.
“That was about the hottest thing I’ve ever seen.” Jake picks up his guitar and stands in front of me, plugging it into the amp.
“Shut up, Jake.” I feel as if I should be embarrassed by the overt public display, however, I find myself just smiling and not bothered at all. I also realize with that one kiss, my entire body is relaxed. Zack knew exactly what he was doing because in that one moment of hurried passion, all other tension left my body.
Chase bangs out a few beats on the kick drum and hits his drumsticks together to pound out the beat on the first song. I listen to the music just like Zack told me to. They play through the first verse before I pick out all the chords and hear, by memory, how Ethan would have played it. By the time the first song is done, I’m swept up in the music and the energy from the other guys. I’m completely in my element and fully relaxed. I don’t even realize how much I have missed playing until the first song ends.
I take a deep breath when the last note ends and smile broadly at Zack. He returns my smile. I did it. It wasn’t perfect, and may not have been as good as Ethan, but I did it.
“That was amazing, Nic!” Chase’s affirmation increases my smile dramatically.
“You might be even better than Ethan.” I roll my eyes at Jake’s comments and shake my head.
“No way,” I say. I’ve heard Ethan play, and he’s incredible. I barely did anything special on the song to warrant that kind of compliment.
I play through three more songs with the band. The entire time, I’m lost in the music and feel myself coming alive with each passing song in a way I haven’t experienced since
I was in college, probably. It’s the most magical thing I’ve ever experienced, being on stage with a full band, looking out in a sea of empty seats; knowing they’ll start filling up soon.
“What in the hell is she doing here!?” Ethan’s voice rings out from the side of the stage and we all freeze instantly. He sways back and forth, clearly wasted from something and his eyes look like they’re on fire. His hands are clenched into tight fists at his sides as he stomps across the stage, directly towards me. I immediately take several steps away from the keyboard.
“She was helping us, Ethan, since you can’t be bothered to show up on time.” Zack’s angry voice fills the air as he walks towards us. He reaches me, and puts an arm protectively across my waist, staring down Ethan the entire time.
Ethan mumbles something with more expletives than I’ve ever heard used in my life in one sentence before turning to face Zack.
“Whatever, man, I’m a little late, big deal.” He stumbles a few steps towards the keyboard, grabbing it at the last second to get his balance. He can barely stand up straight and I wonder if he can even play. “And keep your new girl away from my shit.”
Zack takes a menacing step forward, letting his arm drop from my waist. I don’t care. Ethan’s staring at me like he wants me murdered, and all I want to do is get out of here before anything worse happens.
“I’ve told you not to say shit like that to her. I won’t warn you again. And if you ever pull a stunt like you did today, you’re off my tour.”
He turns to me, and exhales loudly while rubbing one hand through his hair. I think it’s the sexiest thing in the world when his muscles dance across his arm when he does this, but clearly now is not the right time to let him know.
I just want to get off the stage and behind my laptop where I can work on editing photos and forget about the evil glare I see in Ethan’s eyes. “Thanks for helping, Nic. You’re one of the most talented keyboardists I’ve ever met.”
I roll my eyes at Zack’s compliment. This is obviously one of those ‘beauty is in the eye of the beholder’ things, because I know I’m not more talented than most; even if I am good.
“I had fun.” I smile weakly. My nerves are shot right now from all the adrenaline of playing and Ethan showing up. He’s still leering at me with his glazed eyes.
“I’m going to go back and get some work done before Mia gets here. Do you want me to bring him some coffee?” I ask, nodding towards Ethan.
“Yeah, that’d be great. But have someone else bring it out.” He leans down and gives me a quick kiss. He tastes salty from the sweat that’s already lightly covering his skin. I lick my lips and wiggle my eyebrows at him as I leave the stage.
***
Some of the pictures I have of Zack and Chase with their heads bowed together, while working on new songs are fantastic. Passion for their music and intensity in their work fills their eyes and every feature on their faces. It’s so good I email a copy to Mia, even though Darren’s picking her up at the airport right now. She’ll love it, though. I have a feeling this will be next to her bed the next time I go to her place. The thought makes me laugh a little bit to myself.
I jump when the door slams wide open. I scream in joy, and throw myself in her arms.
“Mia!” I don’t realize until I’m in her arms how much I’ve missed her.
“Hey girl!” She screams into my ear so loud I think my ear drum might explode. “It’s so good to finally see you again.” She looks as beautiful as always in a mini black skirt and knee high, high-heeled boots. Her light blue top is loose and has cut-outs showing off her shoulders.
I sit down and fill her in on all the drama that’s been going on with Ethan. She doesn’t look too surprised, and I wonder how often she and Chase have actually spoken since he left Minneapolis.
I’m surprised because Mia has spent so much time working on her career; her stance on guys has always been the more the merrier. She serial dates through men as frequently as she buys new shoes. I make a mental note to ask her later for the real scoop because I can’t believe she would hide anything serious from me. Although how serious could it really be? If they’ve been talking it’s only been for the last ten days.
I’m lost in my thoughts when I hear Mia mention her favorite gossip website, Celeb Gossip. She looks at me nervously.
“What?” I ask, still unsure of what was said.
“I was just saying that I saw pictures of you and Zack in Boston.”
What? “There’s photos of me?” I choke it out like I’m going to vomit. My stomach rolls and I look for the nearest garbage can in case I actually do. I can’t believe there are pictures of me on the internet again.
“Yeah…you didn’t know?” Mia’s voice softens when she sees panic fill my face. “I thought you would have known, one of them is actually pretty good. I was saying that you look really happy.”
“How would I know? I don’t check that stuff. Do they know my name?” Of course not, there’s no way some gossip rag would know anything about me.
Her hand covers mine, stilling them instantly. I didn’t realize I was shaking. I close my eyes and breathe deeply. I shake my head, unable to speak. I open my laptop and type the address to the website Mia mentioned and gasp instantly.
“It’s okay, Nicole.” Mia never calls me by full name. Ever. And if she’s doing it now she must notice how close I am to completely losing it.
But it’s not okay. All it’s going to take is one person; one road crew worker or the bus driver, anyone who doesn’t know how important my privacy is to me, to leak my name. And an internet search by anyone will be able to splash my family’s accident al
l over the place. I don’t want that to happen again.
For months after the accident, news stations, newspaper and magazine reports, and television shows had hounded me about my life, Mark and Andrew, and the accident. It was practically the scandal of the century in Minnesota. Governor’s daughter causes deadly car accident while texting and driving; mom lies to cover it up and take the blame. Even the national media picked up the story at one point and ran with it. And then once the details of the settlement were leaked, everything started all over again. All I had wanted was to be able to grieve and mourn the loss of my family in private, and no one allowed me that courtesy. The thought of the news leaking again…it breaks me.
There are photos of me and Zack backstage at his concert a few nights earlier and then at a club everyone dragged me to afterwards. We hadn’t done anything special, I sat in the VIP section, refusing to dance, but had a great time regardless, drinking a couple of martini’s and watching Chase and Garrett ignore all the female attention. While Jake did the complete opposite.
My head spins as I see the photos like I’ve been thrown into a funnel cloud. I’m dizzy and suddenly nauseous and sweating. How could I not think this would happen? It’s the only thing I can think of. That….and I never should have come.
Zack didn’t leave my side that night. He has an arm around me in one, smiling down at me as he talks to me back stage. He was trying to convince me to go out with them. The other is us leaving the club. His arm is around my waist and I’m smiling up at him as we walk towards the car. I never even saw a photographer. I look enamored with him in the photo. And I am. I have the same look on my face that I imagine I do whenever he looks at me and the world tends to fade into the background.
Beside the photos, and my already shot nerves, is a caption: Rachel and Zack’s off and on again romance is clearly off again as Zack spends the evening in Boston wrapped up in an unknown fan. Sources say they met backstage, but clearly sparks are flying on Zack’s third, and best tour yet.
