by Mia Hoddell
“No baby,” I murmured.
I had no baby.
The barbed wire coating my heart tightened, piercing the organ as the memories stirred the pain Tazia had managed to mask.
“Are you okay, Dustin?”
“I-I think y-you should go.” On instinct I reached for my cards on the table, only to find the set I wanted wasn’t there.
I focused on the room.
Blinked.
Falling to my knees, I scraped the deck off the floor with frantic movements. I didn’t care I bent them in the process since I owned at least ten packs, all stored in different locations. I just needed them in my hands.
My insides were shattering and the memories brought a fresh wave of pain.
It wasn’t the physical abuse that affected me most. It was the mental games Elora had put me through over the months we were together. Always having to tread carefully, the apologies, promises.
I fell for it all.
The cards weren’t piling up quick enough.
“Here, Dustin.” Tazia’s gentle voice interfered with my thoughts enough for me to jerk my head up to see her holding out the rest of my cards.
With cautious movements, she reached for my hand. Clasping it in hers, she drew it to her, flipped my palm over, and while holding my gaze placed the cards on top of the ones I held. Her searing touch lingered on my wrist, briefly tracing the vein in my arm before she released me.
“Please go, Taz.” I could feel the pieces inside me tearing apart and the grip I had on my emotions slipping. I didn’t want this kind-hearted woman to witness that. Hell, she’d got down on the floor with a broken leg to help me.
I was an asshole.
I fell apart in private. That was what a man was supposed to do over issues like mine, right?
I was meant to be the strong one and Tazia didn’t need to shoulder my burden.
“No way, Dustin. I’m not leaving you like this.”
“Please.”
She shook her head, adamant. “Do what you have to. Cry, break something, shout, scream. I don’t care what it is, it won’t change my opinion of you.”
I hunched over my cards. “Tazia, I’m asking you to leave.”
“And I’m telling you no. Deal with it.”
I shuffled the cards. It wasn’t necessary, but I liked the feeling of the shiny surfaces sliding from my hands. Rather than ordering them I held them out in a fan.
“Pick—” The unshed tears strangled my vocal cords and I coughed to clear my throat. “Pick a card.”
Chapter Eleven
Tazia
It took me a second to cooperate. A magic trick was the last thing I’d been expecting him to do.
I’d pretended to ignore the subtle words he’d murmured for fear of sending him into a bigger spiral. However, the two words “no baby” held so much sorrow.
What had Elora really done to him?
It couldn’t have only been the violence.
I pushed the thoughts to the back of my mind, focusing purely on Dustin. Taking a card from the deck, I played along. “Now what?”
Dustin inhaled deeply. “Look at it, memorise it, then place it on the top of this pile.” He pointed to where he’d cut the deck in two.
After doing as he asked, his hands flew over the cards, shuffling them like a professional. I could see him getting lost inside his mind as he did. His dark gaze focused on the deck so much I didn’t think he realised how much time passed. However, I didn’t interrupt him. Something about the movement calmed him. His shoulders relaxed a bit and his jaw unclenched. If it hadn’t been for his plainly displayed sorrow, which refused to dissipate, I’d have thought he was performing a normal trick.
Finally, Dustin sorted through the cards. Dropping them to the floor, they fell either side of his outstretched legs with a gentle pitter-patter.
Picking up the card he paused on, Dustin held it out to me with a sombre expression. “Is this your card?”
It wasn’t. Was I meant to tell him though?
Would getting it wrong send him back into a state?
“Uh…yeah. How did you do that?” I cringed at the falseness I couldn’t hide.
“Don’t lie to me, Taz, ever.”
I pursed my lips. “Okay, no it wasn’t my card.”
He picked up another. “What about this one?”
I shook my head.
Dustin deflated. “I always had the same luck with Raine. I can do it plenty of times on my own, then as soon as I come to show someone else…” he trailed off with a shrug.
“Raine’s your old roommate, and brother’s soon-to-be fiancée, yeah?”
“Yup.”
“Are you close to them both?” I shifted on the floor to ease the ache in my legs. My cast scraped across the wood, disturbing the silence.
“I guess so. At least I was.”
I took a moment to consider my next question, deciding how to phrase it. I probably shouldn’t have asked it, yet I couldn’t stop myself. “Do they know about, you know who?”
Much to my surprise Dustin’s lips quirked. “You can say her name, Taz. She’s not Voldemort, even if she’s right up there on the scale of evil.”
“Okay, do they know about things between you and Elora?”
“They didn’t until recently. Until the day you moved in they only knew we had an unhealthy relationship. Raine was forever trying to get me to leave Elora for good, but she didn’t have the details until she saw the marks on my face. Still, they don’t know everything. I think they’re giving me my space after how I acted.”
I studied him as he explained what happened when Raine and Teo had found him. My heart clenched at the story and I had to dig my nails into my palms to stop myself reaching out to him. I wanted to take away his pain and bring back the happy version of Dustin I’d seen in the supermarket.
I peered up through my lashes at him. “Why did you never tell them?”
His shoulders heaved and he absentmindedly began collecting the cards up again. “Honestly?”
“Of course. If I can’t lie to you, please don’t lie to me.”
He grumbled something unintelligible then raised his volume. “Embarrassment I guess. How does a guy tell someone they’re being beaten up by their hundred pound girlfriend? I didn’t want their pity and it wasn’t a big deal. I could take the hits; it was what happened in the end that broke me.”
“What happened in the end, Dustin?” I asked gently.
His hand closed tightly around the cards he focused on. “She told me she was pregnant.”
I held back my gasp, already not liking the line of conversation.
“I took her back for the baby’s sake. I didn’t want her harming it so I took the hits and anger. I figured once it was born I could fight for sole custody, but—” His knuckles whitened around the deck. When he swallowed hard his Adam’s apple bobbed, and his blink lasted a couple of seconds. The muscles in his jaw ticked and his bottom lip started to tremble. His pain became more apparent when he re-opened his eyes and I caught sight of the unshed tears. He gazed up at the sky through the window and whispered the final line. “She told me she had an abortion a few weeks later.”
“Dustin, I’m so sor—”
“Don’t, Taz. Please, don’t say anything.”
Losing a child was one of the worst things imaginable, but to have your other half deliberately end the pregnancy? I couldn’t imagine the agony even with my past.
I slipped my hand into his and shouldered up to him so our arms pressed together. From my peripheral I could see him attempting to control his emotions, and I pretended to ignore it all. If I’d learnt one thing about Dustin it was he was a proud guy. I didn’t see any shame in a man grieving the loss of his child, yet I knew it took an enormous amount of strength for Dustin to admit the truth. It nearly gutted him and it meant a lot he trusted me with the full story, especially when his brother and best friend weren’t aware of specific details.
I squeezed his
hand, waiting for him to make the next move while we both watched the clouds. I couldn’t tell how much time had drifted by when Dustin finally broke the silence.
“It looks like a seahorse,” he whispered. The thought sounded more like it was directed at himself so I didn’t reply. The cloud did in fact resemble a seahorse though.
Moments later Dustin spoke again. “None of this would have happened if I was a seahorse.”
I wondered if he’d finally cracked. I’d have understood if he had. “Uh, I’m not following you.”
He turned to me. Pained lines creased the corners of his eyes. “You know, because the male carries their young.”
“They also abandon them when they’re bor—” I stopped talking abruptly, realising what I was saying.
Damn lack of filter.
I backtracked quickly at Dustin’s arched eyebrow. “I’m not saying you would ever do that.”
We went back to sitting in silence and watching the clouds for a few minutes then curiosity got the better of me. “Dustin?”
He hummed in response and squeezed my palm. I hadn’t realised he still held onto it like I was the only one keeping him tethered to the Earth.
“Can I ask you something?”
He shrugged. “Why not? At this point I don’t think it really matters.”
“Do you know why she did it?” I asked tentatively. I didn’t want to pressure him into to talking, only I knew from experience keeping things bottled up made them worse.
“She said she wasn’t ready. However, I don’t think that was the whole reason. Elora spent our entire relationship getting her kicks from hurting me. I don’t know why. I’m sure a doctor would find something wrong with her if she got herself tested, but telling her that doesn’t exactly go over well. Every time I suggested it she’d go into an apoplectic fit. It ended up being easier to break up with her and I think this was the ultimate way her twisted mind could think of to pay me back. She knew I only stuck around for the baby so she did the unthinkable.”
I traced circles over the back of his hand with my thumb.
“I’m not sure how I’m meant to get over what she’s done. Is it even natural to grieve for so long over someone you never met?”
“There’s no right or wrong, Dust. Every situation is different and you should do what feels right for you.”
His jaw relaxed minutely, the corners of his mouth pulling up weakly. “I like that.”
“Like what?”
“You calling me Dust. Only Teo and Anthony ever call me Dust when they’re trying to knock some sense into me and end up exasperated.”
I laughed, albeit weakly. The tension in the room slowly dissolved though Dustin appeared defeated, and it made me want to change that.
“I think we should get you a seahorse,” I blurted out.
Dustin snapped his head in my direction, his eyebrows drawn low. Apprehension swam in his eyes. “Why do I need a seahorse?”
“A pet will be good for you and you seem to have a thing about them.”
He cocked his head to one side. The nerves weren’t totally squashed by the intrigue. “Why?”
“You won’t be so alone. Plus they’re cute and adorable. You can’t be sad while watching a pet.”
Dustin didn’t appear convinced. “I have a feeling I won’t be alone whether I get a pet or not. You won’t allow it.”
“Come on, it’ll help you. Trust me.”
He shook his head. “I travel a lot for work. I can’t look after a pet.”
I wasn’t going to let him weasel out of this. The one thing to help me through my problems was my pet, yet I couldn’t tell Dustin that. I could only hope he believed in me enough. “I can take care of it when you’re not around.”
“Are you sure this isn’t all because you want one?” His lips quirked.
“See?” I pointed at his mouth. “This is already making you smile. It’s good for you.”
Dustin sighed, his shoulders heaving dramatically, although if anything, his lips curved even more. “I don’t think you can just buy seahorses, Taz.”
“Let me worry about that. I’ll sort it all out for you.”
Dustin tapped a finger to his lip then spoke around an exhale. “Okay.”
“Is that a yes?”
“Yes fine. I’ll trust you on this, but I really don’t think you can walk into a shop and buy one. Plus there’s a tank and everything that needs to be set up.”
I stopped listening after yes. Scrambling awkwardly to my feet, I held out my hand to him with determination. “I don’t care. You’ve said yes now so you’re getting a bloody seahorse.”
Dustin pulled himself to his feet reluctantly. “How do you know this will work?”
I suddenly found the natural patterns on the wooden floor interesting and I must have been silent longer than I thought because Dustin stepped forward so his feet entered my line of sight.
He took hold of my chin between his thumb and forefinger. Drawing my gaze back up to his, the lack of distance between us and the intensity swirling in his eyes startled me. When he spoke his voice deepened. It flowed like molten lava, pouring heat through me. “How do you know, Taz?”
Focusing on the strength from his fingers, I melted in to his touch and gave in. I believed if I said it quickly it would hurt less. “Because a pet helped me through something similar.”
Dustin whipped his hand back like my words electrocuted him. He stared at me with wide eyes and took a step back. He hissed, “You had an abortion?”
I could see him adding everything up in his mind, comparing me to Elora. He was judging me without even knowing my story.
But I couldn’t blame him for assuming the worst after what he’d been through.
I shook my head furiously, hoping to quash the inaccurate picture of me he’d started to paint. “No I didn’t.”
“Then what?”
I glanced down at the floor, hanging my head. “I’m not ready to talk about it.”
Chapter Twelve
Dustin
It turned out I was right; you can’t just buy a seahorse. As protected animals, they can only be purchased from certain breeders, none of which lived near us. What I had been wrong about though was assuming that would be enough to deter Tazia.
Once we’d returned from the pet shop I thought that would be the end of the subject and I could use the aquarium she’d cajoled me into buying for fish. However, Tazia proceeded to research and phone all of the breeders given to us by the pet shop over the following week until she found one she was happy with. When she’d done all of that she’d moved like a whirlwind through my flat setting up the tank per the instructions she’d been given.
She’d quickly become a constant presence in my home because I couldn’t find it in my heart to dampen her excitement. If anyone had been watching us for the past week they’d have assumed the pets were for her. She became a force to be reckoned with—cleaning, organising, planning—you name it and she’d already thought about or done it.
Over the days she’d foisted numerous leaflets on me to read about seahorse care and I started to think she couldn’t have picked a more difficult pet to look after. Doubts seeped into my mind about whether I could realistically take care of one, yet Tazia was relentless.
She left last night telling me she’d be back at five the next morning, and for some reason I’d shrugged it off, not believing it possible.
Why I thought that I’d never know, and it happened to be the second thing I got wrong.
At five a.m. sharp, Tazia knocked on my door and I opened it to find her looking way too awake and caffeinated. Early starts were nothing out of the ordinary for me, but in between races I liked to relax.
“Ready to get a seahorse?”
I shook my head. “Not in the slightest. I think you’re more excited about this than me.”
She still hadn’t told me how or what she needed help from and I couldn’t shake the nagging feeling it was similar to my situation. Tho
ugh she’d denied having an abortion, something didn’t fit. Every time I thought about the potential theories, fear raced through me at the possibility of getting close to another woman like Elora. I had to consciously remind myself that wasn’t the case with Tazia. She’d already proved herself different, kind and caring, whereas Elora was manipulative and violent. However, Elora had once started off like Tazia and until Taz told me what really happened to her I decided to keep my distance emotionally. That way she couldn’t break me further.
“How come I’ve never seen this pet in your flat?” I asked.
“It died.”
My mouth opened and closed, not knowing what to say. “I’m sorry.”
She batted away my comment with one hand. “Don’t be. He lived a good life, right up until the ripe old age of just over one year.”
Only a confused croak came from my throat. “What kind of animal was it?”
“A stick insect.”
Dumbfounded, it took me a moment to respond. “A stick insect?”
“Yeah. Why? Is there something wrong with keeping a stick insect?”
I shook my head. “Why the hell do I get the most awkward pet ever and you get a stick insect?” I folded my arms. “I feel railroaded.”
Taz sighed. “Don’t be like that, Dust.”
I leaned against the doorframe, holding my ground with an exaggerated pout.
Tazia rolled her eyes with a huff. “Do you want a stick insect instead?”
“Of course not, they creep me out. I’d never be able to spot it in its tank and then I’d be freaked out about finding it in my bed.” I feigned a shiver at the thought.
“Then why all of the fuss?”
“Only making the point you could have picked a simpler pet for me to own.”
Tazia pulled a hand out from behind her back with sly amusement. I hadn’t noticed she was hiding anything until she moved. “Okay, we’ll go back to the pet shop and get you something else. Let me take these éclairs I baked for the journey home first since we’re not travelling anymore.”
“That’s playing dirty,” I grumbled. It was how she’d been getting me to go along with this asinine plan all week. Every time I said something negative, or protested she bribed me with baked goods. Anthony and my trainer were going to have a fit next week if I’d put on weight, but I couldn’t resist. Tazia had been right when she compared her food to heaven in a box.
