by Mia Hoddell
“No, stay.”
“No offense, Taz, but you don’t exactly look like you’re in a celebratory mood.”
“Sorry. Just a bad night. Too many emotions today from getting my cast off to wanting to dive across the table and strangle Perry have exhausted me.”
“It’s no problem, babe. I really don’t mind leaving. We were done anyway.” I pulled her up with me and tucked her beneath my arm so she had no choice. With a quick good-bye to Anthony and a wave to Ash, I guided her from the restaurant.
By the time I situated her in the passenger’s seat and reached the driver’s side she rested against the window, and gentle snores filled the car. When I pulled up in front of our flats she’d fallen into an even deeper sleep.
I switched off the engine and reached over to place a hand on her shoulder. Softly, I shook her. “Taz, we’re home.”
She didn’t crack an eyelid.
With a chuckle I made my way around to her door. Opening it carefully so she didn’t fall out, I leaned in, undid her seatbelt, and picked her up. Leaving her crutches behind, I held her against me, locked the car, and headed into the building.
“You’re an asshole. She should have been coming home with me.” Perry stepped away from the wall he’d been resting his foot on. He stared at her in my arms and his mouth pulled into a sneer.
“Not now, Perry. You’ve had too much to drink, and I need to get her home.”
“Give her to me. It should be my job since she was my date.” He held out his arms. If he thought for one second I’d hand Tazia over he was delusional.
“Listen to me, Perry, because I’m not going to say this again. Tazia is mine, and until she says otherwise you keep your greasy paws off her. Even if she decides she doesn’t want me, you stay away. Otherwise you’ll be dealing with me. I know what you’re really like, Perry. I’ve heard and seen the women coming in and out of your home numerous times and I’ll die before I allow Tazia to become one of them.”
“No matter what you think of me, those women are there willingly and at some point Tazia will be. They always come to me so I don’t think you’ve been paying that much attention to who leaves my flat.”
“What’s that supposed to mean?”
Perry headed for the lift. “You’ll see. It will all become clear when Tazia choses me. Then you’ll know how it feels.”
I held back an indignant snort. “Like hell she will. She has standards.”
He glanced over his shoulder, his jaw tight with anger. “She won’t stay with you long then.”
“That’s her choice, but at least I actually have her for now, unlike you. You’ll never know that.” I didn’t think it wise to turn my back on him, yet since he stepped into the lift, I headed for the stairs. I didn’t think he’d risk harming Tazia and I really needed to get her to bed.
Climbing the stairs when I reached my door I shuffled her weight to one arm and my knee and fished my keys out. I had perfected the movements over the past year from looking after Raine. Countless times I’d carried her home when she struggled to deal with her panic attacks. Tazia, however, felt a lot easier to shuffle around. For one, she wasn’t paralysed with fear and clawing at me. She also happened to be slightly lighter. Raine was by no means heavy, though Tazia felt like a feather compared to her.
I managed to get the door unlocked within seconds. Kicking it shut behind me, I strode straight for my bedroom. Although I considered searching for Taz’s keys, it meant going through her bag and I’d learned from Raine no matter how small a woman’s bag looked, the amount of junk in them always stayed the same. They were like bottomless caverns, and so I voted for the easy option.
At least that’s what I told myself.
It had nothing to do with wanting her to wake up in my home so I could see her first thing in the morning.
Nope, that was absolutely not the reason.
Carefully, I lowered Tazia to my bed, keeping my movements as gentle as possible to avoid waking her. She rolled over onto her side immediately, burying her head into my pillow. With only the light from the living room spilling in through the wide open door, her face became encased in shadows. For a second I considered undressing her and putting her into one of my shirts, but in the end decided against it. I didn’t know how she’d react in the morning if she found herself in a different set of clothes, and the first time I saw her naked I wanted her to be conscious and aware of my every touch. I didn’t need to make her uncomfortable around me because I’d seen her body without permission.
I slipped off her shoes and placed them on the floor at the bottom of the bed. Then I brushed her hair back and placed a kiss to her forehead. My fingers lingered on her jaw as I stood to leave. I planned on sleeping in Raine’s old room, but Tazia gripped my wrist and held me in place.
“Stay,” she mumbled. Shuffling over on the mattress, she rolled so her back faced me.
How could I resist?
I kicked off my shoes and yanked my shirt off, leaving my trousers on.
Planting one knee on the mattress, I arranged the pillows on my side then lowered myself down beside her. Careful not to jostle her too much, I stretched out behind her and scooted across the bed until I could feel the heat radiating from her body against my bare chest.
I couldn’t deny the urge to reach out and wrap my arm around her waist. It didn’t take much pressure to draw her into me so her back rested against my chest. Her body felt warm against mine, her even breathing soothing me.
“Night, Taz.” I kissed her shoulder.
“Night, Max.”
I stiffened against her and not in a good way. Who the fuck was Max to her? She had yet to explain everything and why I’d seen his name flash numerous times on her mobile.
I bit back the torrent of questions banging on my teeth to escape.
Even though I rationalised it as a tired slip, it didn’t stop it playing on my mind. Removing my arm from her waist I rolled onto my back to stare at the ceiling. I scrubbed a hand over my jaw a few times, and I still couldn’t dispel the thoughts attacking me. I couldn’t sleep next to her either if there was even the slightest chance of her thinking I was someone else.
Sliding off the bed, I padded barefoot along the chilly floorboards and into Raine’s room. I climbed into bed, slipping under the duvet, which still smelt like her, and drew it up to my neck.
Among the hurricane of thoughts swirling in my mind, one thing became evidently clear.
I missed my best friend and I’d been wrong to shut her out.
Although I’d been clinging to Tazia, what did I really know about her? She still held things back, whereas I’d laid myself bare to her. She knew every twisted thing about me, yet she didn’t trust me with her secrets.
Which was why I needed Raine. I’d been a fool to throw her away. I’d seen her at her worst so she wouldn’t judge me. There wasn’t anything I didn’t know about her and I knew how she’d react to my story about Elora. She’d support me one hundred and ten percent. I shouldn’t have been embarrassed to tell her. She could have been my safety net like I had been to her.
Instead I’d put my heart on the line again and opened up to someone I knew nothing about.
Tazia had said she would try not to break me but I couldn’t help the nagging feeling in my gut telling me I had placed my trust in her too easily and quickly. The sickness churning in my stomach like a swarm of angry wasps told me what my mind refused to acknowledge.
I should have trusted Raine, because Tazia was going to shatter me all over again.
Chapter Nineteen
Tazia
The first thing I noticed when I awoke was I hadn’t slept in my own bed. The scent of spice and sandalwood clinging to the pillows and sheets, although familiar in my lazy slumber, wasn’t one I was used to waking up with. The navy material surrounding me definitely didn’t belong to me either.
I stiffened and attempted to retrace the night in my head.
I hadn’t gone home with Perry,
had I?
Why couldn’t my brain wake up quicker?
Nervously, I dared to peek under the covers, wary as to what state of undress I would find myself in. When I noticed my clothes from the previous night I exhaled in relief.
Bits of the night slowly drifted back to me as I came out of my dreams even further.
I remembered being bored out of my mind and actually considering jumping over the table to strangle Perry as he ordered drink after drink. When he’d finally suggested getting home I couldn’t have been more relieved. I’d never had any intention of getting in a car with him so when Ash took his keys it lifted a major weight off my back knowing I wouldn’t have to argue with him.
After that it didn’t take me long to deduce I had to be in Dustin’s bed.
Where the hell is he?
I thought I’d fallen asleep in his arms.
Rising up on my elbow, I swept my hair from my eyes and glanced around the surprisingly tidy and ordered room. Only the shirt Dustin wore last night had been left out in a heap on the floor. Everything else seemed to be in its place and the shelves on the opposite wall were what caught my attention most. On them were the only personal touches in the clinical room.
I heaved myself out from under the covers and searched the floor for my shoes. Once I found them neatly tucked under the bottom of the bed, I slipped them on and shuffled over to the shelves.
At least forty gold and silver trophies rested upon the oak planks. They ranged in size, some of the bigger chalices at least half a metre tall. Others were only mini and moulded into the shape of a guy on a go-kart. Not even one fingerprint tarnished the shiny surfaces. Each one glinted in the daylight filtering in through the window. The dates spanned over a decade and only three of them placed Dustin in second and one in third. The rest showed Dustin as the winner.
“Wow,” I marvelled to myself. I wanted to pick one up and admire it. However, they were all so polished I daren’t touch one. I studied the photos behind on the wall. Professional shots of Dustin on podiums essentially covered the back wall, though the few at the centre intrigued me most. Dustin wore his race suit and stood with his arms outstretched to embrace a group of people on either side of him. He appeared to be in his mid-teens, and his enormous grin made him look even younger.
I didn’t recognise anyone in the photo besides Teo—or at least I assumed the guy on his left was his brother. The photos were obviously taken back before the shit storm arrived in Dustin’s life since I hadn’t ever seen him smile that big. Though, I hoped I would see that side of him at some point.
Using the reflection on one of the trophies I fluffed my hair then smoothed it. I ran my index fingers under and into the corners of my eyes, trying to remove any smudged make up or remnants of sleep.
When I realised I couldn’t do much to improve my image without the use of a proper mirror and a tonne of products I gave up.
I cracked open the bedroom door, poking my head through the gap. Although I’d been inside Dustin’s flat numerous times on my own, I didn’t know what I’d walk out to find. For some reason this felt like a walk of shame.
“Hey,” I said when I spotted Dustin hunched over the table near the front door. He paused from whatever he’d been scribbling on a piece of paper and straightened slowly.
“I was leaving you a note. I need to head out.” Dustin averted his gaze and held up the sticky note as if to prove the truth in what he said. He shuffled awkwardly on the spot and placed the note down.
“Uh…is everything okay, Dust?”
He shrugged. “Sure. Why wouldn’t it be?”
“Did something happen last night?”
His eyes met mine briefly then darted to the left. “It’s nothing, Taz. I’m just heading out.”
I widened my stance, planting my hands on my hips. “What’s going on, Dustin. Did we—”
“No. Call me old fashioned, but I prefer the women I sleep with to be awake.”
“Then what is it?”
He threw his gaze to the door, judging the distance. When he made a beeline for it, I huffed.
“Don’t make me chase you, Dustin. I will do it and I’ll no doubt end up back in a cast.”
He didn’t look convinced.
“Try me if you don’t believe it.” His shoulders slumped and I sent a silent prayer of thanks when he remained in the flat. “What’s going on? Talk to me.”
“Who’s Max?” He asked it so quietly at first I thought I’d misheard. However, his serious and wounded expression said I hadn’t.
Like I’d been Tasered, a bolt of electricity shot down my spine to paralyse every muscle in my body. I’d assumed things might have got a bit hot and heavy, or moved at a speed that had made Dustin uncomfortable. None of my thoughts had been directed at anything to do with my ex-fiancé.
I paled. “Why d-do you ask?”
“Who is he to you, Tazia? I need to know.” Dustin wedged his hands into his pockets, burying them deep.
My breathing increased, each breath shorter than the one preceding it. “Why do you need to know?”
“Because I need to know if this is going to work, or whether I’m only setting myself up for hurt. Hearing you call me by another guy’s name in bed isn’t the biggest stroke to my ego.”
“I—” I tried to process what he’d said. “I called you by his name?”
He nodded sharply, crossing his arms. It didn’t escape my notice his hands were clenched into fists, but I swore I saw them tremble minutely. “So who is he, Taz?”
I stared at my feet, wiggling my toes in my shoes while I tried to figure out how much I should reveal. When I peered up, I met his icy glare unflinchingly.
“He’s my ex.” It wasn’t technically a lie. I’d only left out the fact we used to be engaged.
Dustin looked like he’d expected as much. “Do you still have feelings for him?”
“Of course not! Why the hell would you think that?”
“He’s obviously still on your mind, though.”
“So are about twenty billion other things. That doesn’t mean anything.” I realised I sounded overly defensive. Making the deliberate effort to soften my voice, I took a step forward. When he didn’t move away I closed the gap between us until we were standing toe-to-toe. “I was tired, okay? I don’t even remember saying it. I’m sorry.”
His gaze softened and he lowered his hands to my hips, his thumbs rubbing tiny circles on top of my dress. When he dipped his head to my shoulder and hugged me to him I assumed he was dropping the subject. I leaned into him and held him back. Dustin’s next words caused the blood in my veins to crystallise once more.
“Tell me the whole story, Taz.”
I backed out of his embrace. Gazing up at the ceiling, I refused to allow the tears pricking at my eyes to fall while my lip trembled. “I can’t. I’m not ready.”
“I need to know, Tazia,” he sighed, exasperated.
“Why?” The word came out in barely a choked whisper so I tried again. “Why are you pushing me?”
“Because I know nothing about you and I’m falling, Taz. I can’t allow myself to fall further without knowing who you are. I need to know you trust me. I need to protect myself.”
I sniffed. “You want to know who I am? My full name is Tazia Elena Nixon. I was born in Spain to a Spanish mother and an English father. We moved to Milton Keynes when I was four because my father got offered a job. My favourite colour is sapphire blue, my star sign is Cancer. I love Italian food, especially pizza and ice-cream, but detest pepperoni. I work in a bakery with the hope of opening my own one day, and I love to cook. I had a cat called Murph when I was a kid and a stick insect who died recently—”
“Tazia.”
“Let me finish. My favourite season is summer and my favourite movie is Pirates of the Caribbean.”
“Tazia,” Dustin urged more forcefully.
“I’m not finished.” I opened my mouth to list more, and Dustin cut me off.
“Those
aren’t the details I need, Taz.”
“You said you wanted to get to know me.”
He stuffed his hands in his pockets. “You know what I want you to tell me.”
I shook my head, the tears once again burning the back of my eyes. I couldn’t tell him. The words literally stuck in my throat every time I moved to speak. I didn’t want him to look at me in accusation and hate like Max had.
“I’m not ready, Dustin.”
He shut his eyes and pinched the bridge of his nose. When he removed his hand and opened them again, they were clouded with sadness. “Okay.”
That was all he whispered.
One word.
Yet that single word held more weight than if he’d uttered a thousand. Heavy with exhaustion and confusion, it gutted me to hear the disappointment in his voice.
Dustin turned for the door without looking at me. He already had it open when I could get my mouth in gear. “Dustin, wait…”
He paused, eyeing me expectantly. I hated the sliver of hope blossoming on his face, because I was about to destroy it. However, I had no other alternative. If I had to lose Dustin I’d rather lose him over a secret than because he hated me.
“Are we okay?”
He pursed his lips and shook his head. “I don’t know.”
“Then where does that leave us?” I swallowed, trying to dislodge the suffocating ball of emotions lining my throat and swelling with every second.
Dustin glanced down the hallway. He considered his response for a minute then spun back to me. His usually captivating green eyes held only anguish. “Seriously fucked up. That’s where it leaves us.”
He stepped out into the hall and shut the door behind him. Only the sound of Dustin’s footsteps carrying him further away from me penetrated the silence he left behind. I wanted to run to the door and call out for him to come back. The only problem was I knew I wouldn’t be able to tell him anything.
I didn’t understand why he couldn’t give me time. Even if Elora had messed with his head, hadn’t I shown him I wasn’t like her?
