by Mia Hoddell
He may have been trying to protect himself, but I was trying to protect us both. My story would open old wounds for both of us, and we’d only just got into a good place.
I sank to the floor, my whole body failing.
Why did everything have to be so complicated?
Chapter Twenty
Dustin
I couldn’t understand it.
I of all people knew better than anyone how hard it was to open up, but I had managed it. And look at where I ended up because of it. Once again I found myself in a situation where I couldn’t trust the other person because they refused to talk to me.
Seeing Tazia’s tears and her struggle to find words made my heart clench so much I needed to get out of there. The urge to reach out and pull her into my arms overwhelmed me and a second longer in her presence would have caused me to give in.
When I’d slid into my car I didn’t really have an idea of where I was heading, at least not consciously. Sub-consciously I always knew where I’d end up. Since my realisation last night it became inevitable.
Now the only problem I faced was finding the courage to leave the safe haven of my car and knock on the damned door. As soon as I did I’d be forced to spill everything and the thought terrified me. I didn’t feel prepared for the onslaught of questions which would no doubt ensue.
For the second time in the space of a few months I felt as if I’d been pushed out of a plane. Only, unlike in reality, the free fall never ended. Every time I thought I had myself under control, something else knocked me off balance and sent me into another spin.
I rested my head on the steering wheel. Maybe I should have headed to Ash’s bar.
Today I should have felt on top of the world. I finally had what I’d been working for my whole life: a Formula One contract. Instead, I’d reached another low point, even if it couldn’t compare to the day Elora told me I wouldn’t become a father.
I sat in my brother’s driveway, staring at his too perfect house. Rather than give into temptation and speed out of the driveway to numb my mind with a drunken stupor, I pulled my keys from the ignition.
Opening the door, I pocketed my keys and strolled up the gravelled path, the stones crunching beneath my every step. I paused on the doorstep, raising and lowering my hand repeatedly. It was on the sixth cycle I growled in frustration and rapped on the door quickly so I couldn’t convince myself otherwise. I shoved both hands deep into my pockets to stop the nervous trembles.
Movement on the other side of the frosted glass panel in the door caught my attention. The sound of locks turning meant I only had seconds to flee if I wanted to.
I glanced back at my car, wondering if I should go.
The door cracked open a sliver and made the decision for me. Raine peeked out through the gap and gasped, her eyes wide and her jaw slack.
“Dustin?”
She shut the door in my face.
If it hadn’t been for the scrapes of Raine hurrying to throw the chain off the door coming from the other side I would have left. After all, the last time I’d seen her I’d been drunk, hurled a bottle through a wall, and told her to fuck off and mind her own business. She had every right to be angry and slam a door at me.
A split second later the door clattered open. Raine moved so quickly she became a blur and barrelled into me with a sob. Her arms flew around my neck and the force of the impact sent me stumbling back a few steps. I caught her around the waist as she buried her nose into the crook of my neck. I rested my cheek against the top of her head, inhaling the scent of her vanilla shampoo.
Something wet trickled against my neck and Raine quivered in my arms.
“Hey, sweet girl, don’t cry.”
Rather than reply, she hugged me harder, pulling herself up on to her toes.
I smoothed her hair down, running my fingers through the silky length. Neither of us needed words. I knew my being away hurt her—it was the longest we’d ever gone without talking—but I didn’t realise how much. Teo had never hinted at it either.
I felt like a prized jackass, standing there with her in my arms.
My heart swelled with guilt, the feeling slowly trickling throughout the rest of my body. It tightened my throat until I found it impossible to swallow.
“I’m sorry,” she murmured into my neck. “I’m being silly.”
Raine moved to pull back, but I refused to allow us to part completely. Keeping one hand splayed on her back, I raised the other to catch the few tears running down her cheek with my thumb. Wiping them away, I dried my hand on my jeans then pulled her jaw up so she met my gaze. I kept my hand under her chin.
“What’s wrong?”
“It’s a surprise to see you. These are happy tears, I promise.”
I winced. “I’m sorry I stayed away for so long.”
“You should be.” She placed one hand on her hip and tried to look stern, though it wasn’t an expression she could convey with puffy eyes and a red nose.
I sighed at the thought of Teo kicking my ass when he saw her, even if she claimed they were happy tears. I’d seen him do worse over less when it came to Raine.
Raine hiccupped, raising her hand to cover her mouth and a giggle escaped her lips. I chuckled along with her while she dried her eyes with the back of her hands and straightened her clothes. When she finished, she stepped back into my arms, this time hugging me more gently.
That didn’t mean it wasn’t as tight.
She squeezed me harder than I thought possible for someone of her height, and I returned it as fiercely.
“I missed you,” she whispered against me.
I placed a kiss to the side of her head. “I missed you too, sweet girl.”
“Raindrop! How many times do I have to tell you not to leave the door open? Anyone could walk in or get a photo of…” Teo’s rant trailed off when he saw us still embraced on the doorstep. His footsteps faltered marginally then he regained his composure and leaned a shoulder against the doorframe casually. “Hey, Dustin. What are you doing here?”
I sent him a glare over the top of Raine’s head. I knew exactly what the prick was doing and so did he by his devious look.
Raine withdrew from my grasp and I straightened out my expression. She faced Teo with a scowl. “‘Hey Dustin’? It’s been months and that’s all you have to say to your brother?”
I rubbed the back on my neck, cringing inside over what I knew Teo would say and how Raine would react.
“I saw him back in Monza so—”
“What!” Raine screeched. “You saw him and didn’t tell me, come and get me, or even mention how he was?”
Teo took her in his arms, drawing her against his chest. “Calm down, baby. I had my reasons.”
She glowered at his chin since she was stuck underneath it and couldn’t break free of his grip. “And I will love hearing every second of them.”
Teo swayed from foot to foot, shaking them both, and dropped another kiss on her nose. “You will, don’t worry, Raindrop.”
The love radiating from them caused a sad smile to tug at my lips.
Would I ever get to experience that?
Teo caught my change of expression and released Raine, dropping his arms to take her hand. “Shall we go in before someone snaps a picture? The neighbours are used to us, though we still get the odd paparazzi. Apparently, they’re not bored of us yet. They’re waiting for some kind of scandal.”
“Yeah, sure.” They gestured me into the house in front of them and Raine followed, with Teo bringing up the rear and shutting the door.
“So why are you here? Somehow I don’t think it’s because of what I said to you last time.”
I collapsed on their sofa and Raine curled up next to me. She sat on her feet scrutinising me like a child would Santa Claus. It felt like she was afraid I’d vanish again at any moment, and knowing that gutted me. We’d both been dealing with so much, and I never wanted to be the one to hurt her. I’d kept everything from her for that reason, not
wanting her to have to worry about helping me on top of everything she’d been through.
“I needed to talk to people I can trust. I missed you guys.”
Teo gave a curt nod and left the room without a word. I glanced at Raine in confusion. “Where’d he go?”
“To get drinks. I have a feeling we’re all going to need them after this.”
I shook my head. “I promised Anthony no more alcohol until the end of the race season unless it’s on the podium.”
Raine rolled her eyes. “He’s making coffee you idiot. Am I going to need something stronger?”
“Probably.” I grimaced and she matched it with a look just as weary.
“Are you doing okay now, though? I get you wanted to deal with things yourself, it’s why I stayed away, but I’m always here, Dustin. I leaned on you for a long time, I can handle anything you throw at me. I owe you more than you know.”
I took her hand. “You don’t owe me anything, sweet girl. It’s what friends are for.”
She peered up at me through her lashes. “Then let me do the same for you.”
I swallowed back the sickness rising within me. The bile burned my throat and fuelled the doubts I had about spilling my guts. It made the front door a very appealing target.
Teo re-entered the room carrying three mugs. He set them down on the table then took the seat adjacent to us. He threw the white paper bag he’d been holding to Raine and she gazed at him like he’d handed her a million pounds.
“What’d I miss?” he asked, kicking up a foot to rest on his knee.
Raine dipped her hand into the bag. I knew what it contained without having to see her pull out a pale pink square of fudge and nibble on the corner. “Dustin’s about to fill us in on everything that’s been happening.”
I chuckled nervously. I felt like their source of entertainment while Raine sat there eating and eying me with intrigue. Neither of their stares wavered for even a second.
“I have some good news first.”
I thought I’d ease myself into things.
Or give myself more time to talk myself out of revealing everything. Either option worked for me.
Teo arched an eyebrow. He probably already had an inkling of what I planned to say.
“I signed with Sabre last night. I’ll be racing against you next year and we can finally clear up this ‘who’s the better brother’ debate.”
Teo beamed at me, and not his media smile. He gave me the real one he allowed very few people to see. Raine squealed around a mouthful and dived at me.
“Congratulations!”
“Yeah, Dust. Congrats. However, we both know I’m the better driver so don’t give me that shit.”
I shrugged. “Guess you’ll have to prove it next year.”
Teo snorted in disbelief. Cocky bastard.
Knowing I’d stalled long enough, I inhaled deeply. My palms started to sweat on my lap and I couldn’t meet their gazes as I said, “That’s not my main reason for being here, though.” I coughed to clear my throat. “I met someone.”
“I knew it!” Teo actually leapt out of his chair, punched the air, and then fell back down into it. “I knew you were too happy and clear-headed at the race to have just sorted everything else out.”
I glanced down at my lap where my fingers fidgeted nervously. “Yeah, well hold your excitement for a second.”
God, I needed my cards.
Pressing down on my knees I lifted myself out of the chair. “I’ll be back in a second.”
I hurried out to my car and leaned in to the passenger’s side to retrieve the deck I kept in the glove box. It took me a bit longer to return to the living room, but eventually I made it. I slipped the cards out of the box and began shuffling them. The feeling of the slippery deck in my palms soothed my nerves instantly.
Raine watched me for a second then realised I had lost all courage. “So you were saying you met someone?”
“Yeah. She’s great, and I think I might be falling for her.”
“I sense a ‘but,’” Raine said.
“That’s because there is one. She’s keeping something from me. Something big. After everything with Elora I don’t know if I can risk trying with Tazia if she’s being dishonest from the start. I can’t deal with any more mind fuckery, especially not with this new contract.”
I could see the question I’d been dreading in Raine and Teo’s eyes. Neither of them asked it, though they were dying to. “You can ask. I won’t snap again.”
Raine glanced away ruefully. Teo on the other hand fixed me in place with fierce scrutiny. “What did she do, Dustin?”
Though I’d been expecting the words, they still punched me in the heart. The fist went straight through my chest to curl around the muscle and squeeze so an unbearable pressure tightened in my chest.
I shuffled the cards faster.
Shit, I thought I’d gotten over the hyperventilating stage of talking about things.
Raine’s hand settled on my thigh. “Dustin, calm down and talk in your own time. No one’s pressuring you here, okay? You can tell us whatever you want.”
Beads of sweat broke out on my forehead and tears welled as all of the thoughts I’d tried to forget bombarded me once more. Tazia had managed to distract me from the pain. Even Michael and Ralf helped. However, that’s all they were: major fucking distractions preventing me from realising and dealing with the true pain consuming me.
“There was a baby,” I said barely above a whisper. “The day you found me Elora told me she’d had an abortion.”
Stunned silence filled the room. I could feel the anger burning off both of them, Raine especially. It swirled around us all and finally she cracked.
“That bitch! I’m going to kill her.” She rose from her seat and I tugged on her wrist to pull her back to the sofa.
“Please let me get this out first, Raine. I promise if you want to kill her after I won’t stop you.”
“No one is killing anyone, Raine, so calm down and let him speak.” Teo’s statement would have probably had more effect had his jaw not been clenched as he gritted out the words, something I’d have pointed out if I had been in my usual mood.
I waited for them both to settle down and for the shock to wear off then continued to recount everything, laying my heart and soul out on the table. Everything from the violence, mental abuse, mind games, and abortion, I detailed it all.
Every word, every flashback, every excruciating memory cut me deep.
It felt as if my chest had cracked open and I was bleeding out.
Each memory carved a bigger piece from my heart so that when I finally ran out of words nothing remained of it.
I collapsed back against the sofa, emotionally and physically exhausted.
Raine sobbed quietly, tears streaming down her cheeks. Teo’s knuckles were white on the arm of the chair. The muscle in his jaw ticked and his nostrils flared, but he too had glazed over eyes.
“Dustin…” Raine gasped, crawling over the sofa until she curled up against me. That one action broke me. The tears I’d been holding in cascaded over my eyelids as I hugged my best friend.
“Don’t cry for me, sweet girl,” I pleaded when I finally managed to pull myself together. I’d spent so much time crying the fits only came in short bursts now. And the stronger part of me wanted to focus on Raine. I’d always put her happiness ahead of my own and apparently that still applied. No doubt because it was easier to deal with.
She pulled back to peer up at me. “But—”
I placed a finger over her lips. “No, Raine. Don’t, please. I’m getting better and things are becoming easier to deal with, I promise. This is why I didn’t want to tell you. I didn’t want to upset you.”
She swatted my head. “You’re an idiot. You didn’t have to go through this alone. We’d have both been there for you.”
“I know. I never doubted you’d be there for me, Raine. It was just something I needed to sort through by myself.”
&
nbsp; “How does all of this link with the other girl…Tazia?” Teo asked and I sent him a silent thank you for moving the conversation along. I didn’t want to discuss Elora, yet I couldn’t get advice on Tazia without letting them in on everything.
“I don’t know how to let her in when she’s holding back so much. There’s something big in her past she’s keeping from me and even after I’ve told her everything about me, she still won’t open up. She’s dropped a few hints here and there.” I sighed and kneaded the back of my neck. “I don’t know…I can’t take any more games.”
“Have you tried asking her?” Raine queried.
“She says she’s not ready. I get that, and I don’t want to pressure her, but I can’t allow myself to get in too deep with her in case. I mean, what if I fall for her and then she reveals something I can’t cope with it?”
Teo leaned forward, bracing his elbows on his knees. “Then you’ll pick yourself back up and fight because, although I hate to be the bearer of bad news, you’ve already fallen for her, Dust. It’s out of your hands.”
I hung my head with a sigh. I hated it when Teo turned out to be right.
“Has she done anything to lead you to believe she’s like Elora?” Raine asked.
“Not directly. If anything she helps me, yet I can’t shift this nagging feeling. What if she hurts me?”
Raine trailed a finger up and down my arm and cocked her head to one side. “What if she doesn’t? I’ve been there, Dustin. You told me to tell Teo everything when I was lying in hospital and while I still believe I did the right thing at the time, we missed out on a year of being together. I get it’s a risk, and after what Elora did to you, you have every right to be cautious. But what if Tazia’s past isn’t as bad as you think? What if rather than breaking you, she makes you stronger?”
“I don’t want anyone to have that kind of power over me. I need to be in control of myself after everything that’s happened.”
Raine took my hand in hers. She pried the cards from my grip and placed them on the chair then massaged my palm. “Answer me one question. Does she make you happy?”
“I can breathe easier when she’s around. The world doesn’t feel as dark when she eases the pain.”
