"My mom would kill me if I did that. She's very strict about how I look. But she lives in New York so she never sees how I dress." I check the clock. "She's going to be here any minute."
"Then hurry up and tell me about your date." Willow sits on my bed, hugging her knees to her chest.
"It wasn't really a date. We went to a restaurant, had pancakes, and that was it. What did you do last night?"
"Taylor and I met some other girls and we all went to a party off campus. It turned out to be a boring party. The guys were all drunk and none of them were hot. So did Preston kiss you?"
"Yes."
"And? How was it?"
I shrug. "It was all right."
"All right? That's it?"
"It was a first kiss. First kisses are never great."
"They are if you're with the right person. A first kiss tells you everything. It tells you if you're compatible with him, if you're attracted to him, if you have a connection."
"That's not true. I'm attracted to Preston. And after talking to him last night, I'd say we're compatible. We like a lot of the same things."
"But you didn't feel anything with the kiss? No sparks? No heat?"
I pause, remembering it. "Not really. But I've never felt that with any of the guys I've dated. Have you?"
"Yeah. With Silas." Her gaze drifts to the floor. "Our first kiss was like...like fire and heat and emotion all wrapped up in one. I felt this connection with him that I'd always tried to deny was there, but as soon as we kissed, I knew."
"You knew what?"
"That he wasn't just a friend I went to school with years ago. There was something more between us. Something I couldn't really describe. It's like our souls recognized each other and were just waiting for our minds to wake up and realize we should be together."
"Are you sure your hippie parents didn't tell you this? Because it seems a little out there. Souls recognizing each other? I mean, come on. That's crazy."
"I know." Her eyes move back to mine. "But I'm telling you, that's how it felt. And at first, it scared me because I didn't know what it meant. I mean, Silas? Seriously? A guy who wants to spend his life traveling the world with a backpack? Sleeping in youth hostels? I want to be an executive. Run a company. Live in a downtown loft in a big city. Drive a Beemer. Silas and I are complete opposites."
"They say opposites attract."
"True, but it doesn't always work out in real life. We both have different goals and neither one of us is willing to give those up." She moves back a little on the bed, crossing her legs in front of her. "Going back to you and Preston, I'm just saying that the first kiss can tell you a lot. You may not see fireworks or feel a connection, but you should feel something. It should be more than just all right."
"There was nothing wrong with the kiss. I was just nervous and I can't enjoy a kiss when I'm nervous."
"Why were you nervous?"
"I'm always nervous on first dates. But Preston and I talked and agreed to take things slow, which made me feel better."
"I'm surprised he'd agree to that. He seems like someone who'd want sex right away. I bet slow to him is a week, max."
"Really?" My stomach knots. "A week is too soon. A month is too soon. Why can't guys just wait? What's the big rush?"
"They're like animals. Sex is all they think about."
"Well, I'm not ready for that."
"So you're a virgin?" she asks casually.
I look down. "Yeah."
"Why do you act like you're ashamed of that? There's nothing wrong with being a virgin. You're only 18."
"I know, but everyone else is doing it so I feel like there's something wrong with me. Like I should want to do it."
"You'll want to do it when the right person comes along."
"So every guy you've been with was the right person?"
"No. I'm only talking about the first time. Once you lose your virginity, sex isn't such a big deal, at least it wasn't for me. With my other boyfriends, the sex was just fulfilling a need. It was purely physical, not emotional."
"So your first time...how did you know you were ready?"
"I just knew. It's not like I spent weeks thinking about it or planning it out. It was just one of those things that felt right at the moment."
"Who was the guy?"
She rolls her eyes. "Stupid Silas. That boy really messed with my head. When we were dating, he was all I could think about. We spent every minute together."
"Did he pressure you to have sex?"
"No. Never. We talked about it and he said it was up to me to decide when, or if, we did it. We used to always go outside at night and lie on a blanket, looking up at the stars. And one of those nights, it just happened. We'd been dating for three months, but it wasn't about the timing. It was more of a feeling. It just felt like the right moment."
"Did you love him?"
She laughs. "Why are we talking about me? We're supposed to be talking about you."
"Did you or not?"
"Yeah," she says with a sigh. "I did." She uncrosses her legs and stands up. "Enough about stupid Silas. He's probably shacking up with one of his fellow backpackers right now. They probably stink. There aren't any showers on the top of a mountain." She shudders. "Can you imagine how disgusting you'd be after not showering for days?"
Someone knocks on the door. "Lilly, it's your mother. Open up!"
Willow's body stiffens at my mom's shrill tone. She whispers, "She sounds scary."
I laugh. "Yeah, you might want to hide."
"Lilly, hurry up!" My mom knocks again.
I take a deep breath as I open the door. "Hello, Mother."
"I don't know what takes so long to open a door." She's wearing a beige suit and pearl earrings, her hair in its usual tight knot behind her neck. I haven't seen her with her hair down in years. She does her usual inspection of me, her eyes moving from my face to my black high heels and back. "At least you're dressed appropriately."
"I should go," Willow says, sneaking past me.
"Who are you?" my mother asks.
"This is Willow," I say. "She lives next door."
My mother scowls at her. "Do you always walk around dressed like that?"
"No. I was just—"
"Please leave," she interrupts. "I have very limited time with my daughter."
"Okay. Bye, Lilly." She bites her lip and eyes my mom, like she's scared to leave me alone with her.
"Bye, Willow," I say, assuring her I'll be fine.
When she's gone, my mom says, "What kind of name is Willow? Obviously her parents are degenerate fools who have no concern for their daughter's future. She'll never go anywhere in life with that name."
"Speaking of names, why did you name me Lilly?"
"Lillian was your great-grandmother's name. I remembered her as always having exquisite style. I'd hoped you would have the same. But we don't always get what we hope for, now do we?"
I ignore the question and pick up my purse. "Are you ready to go?"
"There's been a change of plans. We're not going to the salon."
"Why not?" I try not to smile, but I really want to. Dad to the rescue, once again.
"Your father informed me that you had your hair cut just last week and therefore didn't need to visit the salon again." She narrows her eyes at me. "I do not appreciate you calling your father like that. It's none of his business. You could have just told me yourself that you'd had your hair cut recently."
Yeah, like that would've done anything. She still would've made me go.
"Maybe we could get a manicure," I say. "There's a hotel about twenty minutes from here that has a really nice spa. It overlooks the ocean. And they have a good restaurant. It's even won some awards. We could have lunch there."
She raises her brows. "I suppose we could do that."
She's surprised I suggested it. Normally I just let her decide, but she doesn't know the area and I didn't want to be stuck driving around with her, listening to her complain
about how there's no place to eat and nothing to do.
"I need to use the restroom before we go," I say. "I'll be right back."
She sighs, annoyed that she has to wait for me. When I come back, she's sitting at my desk, looking through her phone. "Are you finally ready to leave?"
"Yes." I grab my phone from the desk, then wait as she tucks her phone away in her purse and gets her keys out.
We go out to her rented Mercedes and drive to the hotel. It's a ritzy five star hotel that sits on a cliff overlooking the ocean. The rooms cost over a thousand dollars a night. My dad and Rachel have stayed here before, which is how I knew about it.
The spa normally requires a reservation, but my mom uses my name to get us in. The Kensington name has power. My mom's current name doesn't, unless she's in New York. She's married to an attorney who owns a successful law firm so he's known in the city, but outside of there, nobody's heard of him. Pearce Kensington is a name that's known nationwide and even worldwide in the business community. He can get into anywhere without a reservation, just by saying his name. I can do the same if I say I'm his daughter.
My mom drops my name all the time to benefit herself. That's probably how she got that doctor in Napa to work on her face. It's really pathetic she uses me that way.
"I'll have the cucumber salad and a glass of Chardonnay," my mom says to the waiter.
We had our manicures, and then got pedicures since we had time to kill, and now we're having lunch.
"And what would you like?" the waiter asks me.
"I'll have the Capellini with Shrimp and Peppers, and an iced tea." I wanted a burger, fries, and a soda, but if I ordered that my mom would scold me for it, so I ordered what I thought my mom would be least likely to criticize. But then she does it anyway.
"You shouldn't eat pasta," she says after the waiter leaves. "It's too high in carbohydrates."
"The shrimp and peppers are low in carbs, so it's really not that bad."
She huffs. "Carbohydrates lead to weight gain. Is that what you want? To be fat?"
"I'm not fat."
According to the weight charts I'm ten pounds underweight, but my mom still thinks I should be thinner.
She sets her napkin over her lap. "You could stand to lose at least ten pounds, which won't happen if you keep eating carbohydrates."
If she only knew I had a huge stack of pancakes last night, along with chocolate milk. All carbs.
"So tell me about this boy," she says.
"There's nothing to tell. I just met him."
"I did a search for him online. His father does appear to be quite successful, but I still don't want you dating his son."
"Fine. I won't." I've decided to try a new approach with her and see what happens. Rebelling against her never works.
She straightens up. "That's it? You're not going to fight with me about this?"
I shrug. "It's not like l'm in love with him. I went out with him one time. I'll just find someone else. Who would you like me to go out with, Mother?"
"I...I don't know." She's flustered. She's so used to me going against what she wants. "I'll need to research your options. There aren't many boys to choose from at such a small school."
"I'm sure you could find someone. I'm not looking to get married. I'd just like to have someone to go out with."
"Yes. Of course. Marriage can come later."
She gets quiet, her eyes moving over the top of the table, her finger lightly tapping it. She's anxious. Agitated. But why? Because I didn't disagree with her? I should do that more often. I like seeing her this way. For once, I feel like I'm the one in control.
Lunch arrives, and as we're eating, she says, "Perhaps this boy isn't so bad after all. He does have decent parents. His father's company is thriving and his mother is involved with several prominent charities. Preston likely had a proper upbringing that will lead him to success in the future." That's the first time she's used his name. I'm surprised she remembered it. "Perhaps when I get back, I'll call his mother and we'll have lunch."
I say nothing as I continue eating.
"Lilly!" she barks.
"Yes, Mother?" I glance up at her.
"Look at me when I'm speaking to you. Don't bury your head in your food like an animal."
I set my fork down and force out a smile. "Go ahead."
"You may see this boy, but if he does anything to directly or indirectly tarnish your image or the Kensington name, I will put a stop to your relationship with him."
"Okay." I go back to eating my lunch but I still feel her staring at me.
"Your father won't approve of him."
"I don't think he'll care. Preston isn't any different than the guys I dated in high school."
"I'd advise against telling your father. About any boy, not just Preston. You know how protective he is of you. And Garret's even worse."
"Don't worry about it. I can handle them."
She purses her lips, then parts them like she's about to say something. But then she doesn't. We continue our lunch in silence.
Back at the dorm, she stands at the door to my room.
"Do you want to come in?" I ask.
"I need to get going."
Her flight doesn't leave until tonight, but I guess she's had enough of me.
"When do you think you'll be back here?"
"Lilly, you know my schedule doesn't allow me to get away. I was lucky I was able to be out here as long as I was."
My mom doesn't have a busy schedule. She doesn't work and her son is in school all day and has a nanny watching him the rest of the time.
"Then I guess I'll talk to you later. Goodbye, Mother."
She turns to leave.
"Wait." I go around her and give her a hug. "I love you."
She says nothing, which isn't surprising because she's never told me she loves me. But I wish she would at least give me a hug. Instead, she just stands there with her arms at her sides. I let her go and she walks away, not even saying goodbye.
I go back in my room and close my door. And then the tears break loose. My mom's the only person who makes me cry, and if she knew I was doing it, she'd yell at me. But right now I can't help it. I want so badly for her to like me. To be a mother to me. To accept me. And I want her to give me a hug and tell me she loves me. Just once.
My phone rings. I check it and see it's my dad calling. I wipe my eyes and answer the call, trying to sound cheery. "Hey, Dad."
"How'd it go with your mother?"
"It was okay." My voice cracks. So much for sounding cheery.
"Open the door."
"What?"
"Open the door."
I open it. And there's my dad.
I smile, tears running down my cheeks. He's just the person I need right now.
CHAPTER SIX
My dad comes into my room, shuts the door, and pulls me into his arms.
This is why I love my dad. He knew my mom would make me feel like this and he knew I'd need him after she left. I'm an adult now so maybe I shouldn't still need my dad to make me feel better, but I do. He knows what she's like and he knows how she affects me, no matter how hard I try to pretend that she doesn't.
"I'm sorry, honey." He holds me tighter as he hears me sniffling.
"Why does she hate me, Dad?"
"She doesn't hate you. She just doesn't know how to be a mother."
We stay in the hug until I finally stop crying. I go to my desk and get some tissues. "You didn't have to drive all the way up here. You could've just called."
"And how would that work? I can't very well give you a hug through the phone, now can I?"
I smile. "No."
"I know I've told you this before, but I need to say it again. You don't need to stay in contact with your mother. You can cut her out of your life completely if you that's what you want to do. You're not a child anymore. You're not required to see her or talk to her."
"But she's my mom. I don't feel right cutting her out of my lif
e. Even though she acts this way, I still love her."
"I know you do." He brings me over to the bed to sit down. "Unfortunately, your mother uses that to her advantage. She continues to berate you, knowing you'll never turn her away. And she uses your desire to please her to manipulate you."
I nod, hating to admit it but knowing it's true.
"Lilly, I would like you to take some time away from your mother. Don't call her. Don't answer her calls. And I want you to send her away if she shows up here again. The decision is ultimately yours to make, but I want you to at least consider this."
"I don't think I'm at the point yet where I never want to talk to her again."
"This isn't permanent. It's just for a little while. You need a break from her. She needs to know that if she can't be a decent mother, then she doesn't deserve you as a daughter." He pauses. "My father treated me much like your mother treats you. Actually, he was even worse. But I put up with it, doing everything I could think of to make him accept me, but he never did. Now I look back and realize how much of my life was wasted trying to please him. And how miserable I was, having him in my life. I don't want you to go through that, Lilly. There's no rule saying you have to keep your mother in your life."
"I'll think about it." I hug him. "Thanks for coming."
He chuckles. "Are you sending me home already?"
I pull back and smile. "I have orientation."
"Not for an hour. How about I take you for dessert? I'm sure your mother didn't let you have any at lunch."
"Nope. Too many calories."
He stands up. "Come on. I seem to remember an ice cream stand Jade and Garret used to go to when they were going to school here."
"Can I get a cookie sundae?" I ask as we leave.
"You can get whatever you'd like. Just don't tell Garret. He'd be jealous if he knew I took you there without him."
I laugh. "He would not. Rachel's the one who would be jealous."
"That's true. You know how she loves her ice cream."
We get our sundaes, and by the time my dad drops me off at the dorm, I'm happy again. My mom brings me down, but my dad always makes me feel better. But he shouldn't have to do that. He's right. I need to decide what to do about my mom. Maybe it would be best if I took a break from her.
Lilly: A Kensington Family Novel Page 5
