Dylan

by Jo Raven

  “You do that, Dylan.” He taps the papers on the desk. “Your team is asking about you. What should I tell them? Are you coming back?”

  I reach for the forms, and he passes them on to me. I stare at them, my mind blank. Don’t know what to reply. I really miss the team, their lame-ass jokes and ribbing. Miss playing football. Fucking miss looking forward to my future.

  But ever since the moment Dad left home a year ago, I knew I wouldn’t be able to keep up. I lasted a few months, running between classes, training, work and home, until the school called to inform me they wouldn’t accept anymore the state my brothers were in—their clothes wrinkled, their homework not done.

  And when one day Teo fell very sick with a fever, I cancelled everything to stay home with him, and that was the beginning of the end of it all. I dropped out of training, out of the classes. I managed to keep my job by the skin of my teeth and with a great deal of help from my neighbors.

  What makes you think you can get back in the saddle now? Nothing has changed.

  “We can make it work, together,” Coach West says. He rests his fist on the table, knuckles down. “I still believe in you. Just give me something to work with, some evidence of your dedication and desire to succeed. Convince me you care.”

  Tessa’s image flashes in my mind again. Dammit. Seems like I have to convince everyone around me I’m not the heartless asshole I appear.

  Maybe eventually I can even convince myself.

  ***

  While waiting for the bus, I call Tessa again, to ask how she’s doing, but she doesn’t reply. I stare at my cell screen, trying not to read anything in it. Maybe she’s busy or in the shower. Maybe she’ll call me back later.

  An hour later, stepping off the bus, I call once more. Still no reply.

  I work my jaw, trying to release some of the tension. The chilly wind blowing down the street and right through my old jacket isn’t helping. Teeth chattering, I call Audrey’s apartment—and get Ash.

  “Hey, Dylan.” He sounds cheerful enough—for Ash—and I relax a little.

  “How’s everything?” I trudge down the street, and there’s a smell of burning wood on the air. “Is Tessa okay?”

  “Yeah, she’s fine. She’s with Audrey and Dakota. They went shopping. She needs clothes, apparently.”

  He makes it sound like a crazy thing to do—but I remember how pale and scared Tessa was after encountering Sean on her doorstep. Of course she wouldn’t want to go back to get her clothes.

  “Listen…” I’m approaching home, rounding the street bend. “Tell her I’ll go with her. If she wants to go back to her apartment, get her things.”

  “Anyone of us can go with her, man, if that’s what she wants,” Asher mutters.

  “I know. Just tell her, okay? And if there’s anything else she needs…” Dammit, Dylan. What can you offer her she doesn’t already have? “If she needs a job, I… I need a babysitter. Tell her.”

  Yeah, I’m finally off my rocker. How can I afford a babysitter?

  Then again, if someone looks after my bros, then maybe I can get more jobs.

  As if Tessa would want to be anywhere around my brothers and me. As if she can’t find a job a thousand times better. She’s an intelligent person. She doesn’t need to look after my family for pennies.

  “I’ll tell her,” Asher says, and then, “You shouldn’t have done it, man. You should have stayed away from her.”

  I stumble and catch my footing in the last second before I faceplant. Fuck him. I want to tell him to shove it, but I can’t. Because that’s exactly what I told him about Audrey. To stay away from her. I don’t know if he’s throwing my words back into my face deliberately or by chance. In any case, he’s right. I should.

  Only I can’t.

  “You didn’t stay away from Audrey. And you’re happy.”

  “Dylan…”

  “What? What did Tessa tell you?”

  “Fuck, man… I’m not your dad. I’m just saying it would be easier for her if you stayed away.”

  Heat climbs my neck. Shit. I kick at a stone on the sidewalk and watch it skitter away. “Dammit. I can’t… fucking be without her. This sucks.”

  “Took you a long time to realize that.”

  “Like it took you with Audrey?”

  “You know what? Fuck you, Dylan,” Ash mutters. “You don’t get to be judgmental, not of me, do you hear?”

  “I hear you.” I want to snap and yell at him, but he’s right again. He still hasn’t forgiven me. Why should he? I deserve his anger.

  “She waited for you,” Ash goes on. He’s on a roll today. “She threw you fucking birthday parties, had your back ever since I can remember, and you never glanced at her fucking twice since you broke up back in school, and now you suddenly decide to have her back, now that she’s going through this mess with her parents and this stalker guy? What the hell, man?”

  I wince and start walking faster. “I had my reasons for what I did, and for all it’s worth, I’m fucking sorry. I know I screwed up.”

  “Sorry? Well, guess what. It’s her you should tell that to, not me, and you’ll have to try harder than that. Just saying you’re sorry doesn’t fucking cut it.”

  I let out a long breath. Yeah… Only problem is, she doesn’t seem to need me anymore, and the thought terrifies me.

  I thought we could be friends. That I’d still get to be around her, see her, smell her, feel her… But I want more, and I took more, and now I’ve broken what little was left for us both.

  “I will,” I say. “Shit, man, I’ll try harder.”

  “You’d better.” Ash is saying something more, but his voice fades as a buzzing starts in my ears. I slow down.

  Dad is standing at the front door. He’s holding it half-open, looking right at me.

  I disconnect the call. “Dad?”

  Ramming the cell into my back pocket, I hurry down the broken path to the house. He hasn’t been home in at least a week, and the sight of him on the doorstep brings unexpected warmth to my chest.

  My dad. He’s waiting for me to come home. For a heartbeat, past and present blur, as if the last six years never happened, and I see Dad as he used to be—straight and strong, smiling. Somehow I wait for Mom to appear behind him and wrap her arms around him, and the scent of cooking to waft through the open door…

  Dad vanishes back into the house, and the illusion shatters.

  I slide inside and snap the door shut behind me, glad to be out of the biting wind. “Dad?”

  It’s dead quiet. I walk into the living room, and I almost turn toward the bedrooms. Almost not notice my two brothers sitting on the couch, silent and still, something scrawled in black on their foreheads.

  Everything in me turns cold.

  ‘SINNER,’ reads the writing on Miles’s forehead. ‘REPENT,’ on Teo’s.

  Their eyes are wide, their small bodies rigid. They’re holding hands.

  Holy fuck. I drop to my knees in front of them, my heart booming. “Miles? Are you all right? Did he do anything to you?”

  Miles shakes his head. Teo whimpers, and I pat his small hand awkwardly. I’m so full of rage right now I don’t trust myself to be gentle.

  “Stay here. Stay together. Everything’s okay. I’ll be right back.”

  Satisfied the boys are at least physically okay, I get back on my feet and go hunting for my father.

  “Dad, where the hell are you? Come here right now.” I check the bedrooms. Empty. “Dad, dammit! What do you think you’re doing? Are you out of your motherfucking mind?”

  It’s possible, I think, as I check the kitchen, then double back to the living room to reassure myself my brothers are still there, still okay. Possible he’s gone crazy.

  They’re there, still holding hands. Still looking scared as all hell. No sign of my dad.

  Shit. I run both hands through my short hair and tug on my lip ring with my teeth. What’s going on here?

  Something taped on the wall catche
s my eye. A piece of paper. No, a page torn from a large book. A drawing.

  I hurry over and study it, my frown deepening. It’s from a religious book. It shows what I assume is hell, demons burning in the fires of the pit. Across it, in a red marker this time, is written ‘I shall cleanse you with fire.’

  What the what?

  “Goddammit, Dad,” I hiss under my breath, pulling the page free and scrunching it up. “What’s up with you now?”

  I know he’s depressed, but I’ll have to have a word with him. Scaring my bros isn’t acceptable. What’s this church he’s joined now? I jotted down the name the other day. I need to check it online, but as we don’t have the internet at home, not to mention the fact my laptop breathed its last in the summer, it’ll have to wait.

  Most important things first.

  I grab a rag, wet it and go kneel again in front of my brothers. I clean the words from their foreheads, and then, in spite of my own dark thoughts, I sit between them on the sofa, put my arms around them and tell them everything’s gonna be all right.

  PART III

  Tessa

  You know how it is when you’re running down a dark tunnel, knowing monsters are snapping at your heels and an abyss waiting for you ahead? How you wake up, drenched in sweat, disoriented and panicky until you realize it was a dream?

  A nightmare. Awful and terrifying, leaving a sour taste in your mouth. Horrible, but not real.

  Okay so far.

  Now imagine you wake up and realize it wasn’t a dream at all. It’s all true. All real. The monster is inside your head, in your memories. He has a face and a voice, and he’s back. Back to chase you and kill you. No matter how fast and far you run, he’s there, right there, snapping at your heels, waiting for you at every turn. Souring everything in your life.

  Sooner or later, you’ll realize that unless you want to run forever, there’s only one way out: stop. Turn around. Face your fear. Decide that this person, this nightmare can’t kill your dreams and hopes.

  Learn to fight back and claim your future.

  Chapter Eleven

  Tessa

  It’s been two days since I found Sean outside my apartment. It feels like a bad dream, like something that didn’t really happen.

  But it did. He was there. He was stalking me, waiting for me.

  I’m not safe.

  I’m still staying at Audrey and Asher’s place. Being around them is great. I don’t think I could face staying on my own right now, and they’re awesome friends who make me feel welcome every hour of every day, even though I’m crowding them in their small apartment.

  Still, they’re so wrapped up in themselves right now, and with their not so little secret, I can understand. They still haven’t told the others. They’re caught up in making plans for their future. I can see it in the way they look at each other, the smiles they share when they think no one is looking. It’s sweet and heart-warming and makes me want to leave them alone, so they can enjoy this special time in their lives in peace.

  Meanwhile, everything has changed. My dad froze my bank account and canceled my cards. Everything I own is still at my apartment. I wonder if my access card and key still work. At least I’m starting work at Mr. Walker’s organization tomorrow.

  I push the thoughts away, for fear I might scream with frustration, fear, anger... Sadness. Deep inside, it hurts to think my parents’ money and social status means more to them than me. Then again, I’ve known it all my life.

  But I feel okay. Truth be told, without a place to call my own, with barely any money in my pocket, for the first time in my life I feel good.

  Except… I miss Dylan. I can’t believe he dropped everything and came to see me, went with us to the police station and invited me to stay in his house.

  Hard as it is, though, I have to move on. Have to let go of him. Have to go back to my apartment, get my stuff, find another place to live. Start work. Find a second job.

  With a groan, I sink on the sofa, which serves as my temporary bed, and tug on my hair. Is this how Dylan feels all the time—so overwhelmed with worry about everything? Finding money, getting a job, plus taking care of his brothers? Theoretically I knew it all along, but for the first time I can really empathize—and sympathize. For the first time I can really imagine what his life must be like.

  It makes my heart clench for him.

  And yet I must let go.

  With that thought, I get up and unpack the new clothes I bought together with Audrey and Dakota. I pull them out of the paper bags and spread them on the sofa. Ripped jeans, two colorful sweaters, a few inexpensive T-shirts and sweatpants, thick socks, underwear, and military boots. Cheap things. Things I won’t care if I tear or stain. Cool things.

  A makeover. The princess turning into a girl sitting by the ashes. The ashes of her past life. A princess no more.

  Slowly, a smile breaks over my face. Can’t remember the last time I bought clothes without considering what my parents will say, what event they might be for, who might see me in them.

  Screw them. This is me. Appearances do count, if they reflect what’s going on inside—and inside I want to break this mold, this bejeweled cocoon, and be free.

  I dress, pull on my trusted charcoal gray coat, grab my purse and pause. I can’t see Dylan. But I told him I’d pick Miles up, and I promised Miles I wouldn’t vanish from their lives.

  Complicated. But I don’t have to see Dylan. Pick Miles up, deposit him at school, pick him up around three, drive and deposit him at home. Wave goodbye. Leave. Done.

  So I climb into my jeep, pulling my hair back into a ponytail, glad not to have to bother with makeup and a hairdresser, and head off.

  Only as I park in front of Dylan’s house, I realize my mistake. Of course it wouldn’t be that easy.

  Dylan is standing on the porch, zipping up Mile’s jacket. Teo is standing next to them, looking small, cute and cuddly, wearing a red jacket with the hood pulled up. Dylan straightens, tall and imposing with those wide shoulders and muscled body, and my heart flips over at the sight of his handsome face.

  Jesus. Seeing the three of them there is enough to make a girl melt into a puddle of goo. It takes effort to look away, and I pretend to check messages on my phone while waiting for Miles to come down the path to the car.

  When I look up again, I see that my Prime Directive, prohibiting involvement, is about to fail epically. Now, why I’m thinking of Star Trek as Dylan walks down the path, somber and beautiful, the morning light making a halo of his short hair and catching on his square jaw, is anybody’s guess. I’m not into science-fiction movies, like Erin is.

  I guess my brain just short-circuited. That might explain it.

  I mean, the way this boy walks sends bolts of fire down my belly and makes my breasts tighten and ache. He moves like a panther, his hips slowly rolling as he walks down the path. You can tell he packs serious muscle in his tall frame, even when moving slowly for his little brothers to keep up.

  And he’s looking straight at me. Right at the fiery blush climbing my neck to my cheeks and ears.

  No, no, no. I wasn’t supposed to see him. I can’t do this—can’t keep the Prime Directive, can’t frigging think when I see him. Every time I look at him, I have to fight the urge to shed my clothes and rub myself all over his hot body.

  The three of them reach the car and stop. Slowly, I lower my window, shivering more at his proximity than the blast of cold from outside.

  Dylan pats Teo’s head softly, then squeezes Mile’s hand. His deep blue gaze is fixed on me though.

  Damn. How can you remain angry at a gorgeous man who’s so gentle with his little brothers? How can you remain unmoved?

  I wet my dry lips. “Hey. Hi, Miles. Ready for school?”

  There. I can play it cool.

  “How are you, Tess?” Dylan asks, while Miles, the traitor, says nothing, watching us.

  “I’m fine.”

  “That bastard hasn’t followed you around, has he?�
� Dylan’s brows draw together. “I’ll bust his face if he does.”

  The heat in my face intensifies. I shouldn’t like so much the fact he’s so pissed with Sean on my behalf, that he wants to protect me. “I haven’t seen him.”

  “I’ll go with you to your apartment if you need to get your things. Did Ash tell you?”

  I shake my head.

  Dylan nods. “Well, I will. You just have to call and let me know in advance.” He lets out a long breath. “It’s good to see you.”

  “Well, I made Miles a promise.” I glare at the boy, who grins at me. “So here I am.”

  Dylan’s beautiful mouth twists. “Right. Yeah.” He swallows. “Listen, would you mind taking Teo, too?”

  “I’m not the school bus service, Dylan.”

  Now color rises in his cheeks, too. His blue eyes flash, and his jaw tightens. “Sorry. Never thought you were. I’ll find another way to get him to kindergarten.” He pushes Miles forward. “Get in, Miles. See you later, buddy.”

  I chew on my lip, wondering why I’m being such a bitch to Dylan. Maybe I’m allowed to do so, after he’s pushed me away so many times, but… “What’s up with Teo? Why can’t he take the bus today?”

  “Missed the kindergarten bus. We got up late.”

  “He got up late,” Teo accuses Dylan, pointing a chubby finger at him, and Dylan’s cheeks turn redder.

  He ruffles the kid’s hair. “True. My fault.”

  “You’re tired,” Teo tells him in all seriousness, and his small mouth wobbles. “It’s okay.”

  “He’s always tired,” Miles says, and worry flashes over his face.

  I frown. Something in my chest becomes unbearably tight. It hurts to hear he’s so exhausted. What I want is to get out of the car and hug Dylan with all my strength. I love him so much. I wonder if love like that ever fades away.

  “Is it because of work?” I ask. “Is everything okay with you?”

  He doesn’t answer, and his eyes look very bright in the gray morning light.

  God… “Climb in, boys.” I swallow a sigh. “Let’s get you to school. Do you need me to pick up Teo, too?”