by Ashley Beale
Today, however, I feel like I have no one once more. I lay on the table with my stomach exposed, listening to the doctors speak to one another as if I'm not here. They're currently waiting on Ellie and Leon to get here, since today is my first ultrasound.
Since we had two implantations, they want to see exactly how far along I am, and use the ultrasound to determine as well how many babies I'm carrying. Babies. I know they mentioned there could be more than one, but it didn't register until I was lying here. I don't want to carry babies. A baby, yes, but more than one? Hell no.
It's not a choice I can make, everything is too late to back out from now. The good news though, is as of today I get my first check from the agency, and from here on out I'll receive it in installments the further along I get. I can help my mom with the current house payment that is already getting behind. So although everything has been tough already, and I know it's going to be a long struggle until the end, I can already see it's worth in so many ways. A true miracle- helping me and my mom survive, and giving Ellie and Leon what they've apparently been wanting for so long.
My heart starts to thump twice as hard when someone knocks on the door. The doctor opens it, and in walks Ellie dressed as if this is Paris, with Leon walking behind her clothed in a dress shirt and tie. He looks like he just left an office, and for the first time ever, I can justify how sexy that look truly is.
I have told myself over and over though that I can no longer think of Leon that way. As sexy, or beautiful, or handsome, or breathtaking. I can no longer imagine that we are about to have this child together. I can no longer dream of a different future, one with him. Because this feeble school girl crush of mine has gotten out of hand.
So I ignore his presence the best I can. I ignore the aching nervousness of having him in my surroundings. I pretend he doesn't glance at me with those particularly tormenting eyes. It's not easy, but it's manageable.
"This will be a little warm," the doctor states. She squirts some gel onto my lower stomach, and it is in fact extremely warm. She presses the wand into my stomach, spreading the gel around before pressing even harder. Suddenly a thump, thump sound surrounds us, then she says, "Look here. This little potato shape here is your baby."
She continues to explain the different things she is doing, giving us a heart rate of one-sixty-seven, and informing us of an official due date being March twenty first- which is only four days after Penelope.
Once the ultrasound is finished, the other doctor turns on the lights while the x-ray technician cleans my stomach. She hands the pictures over to Ellie, and I'm a little jealous. I know it's not my baby, but I am carrying the child. Another thing I need to work on- my jealously issues. I have no reason to be jealous. I chose this, so again, I blame the hormones. After all, Marney did tell me I'm going to feel emotional, vulnerable, and many other things throughout the pregnancy, especially the first and last trimester.
Sitting up, the doctor starts to talk about my next appointment, and which ones will be the most important to all of us. When we're finished, the doctors and technician step out, and in walks Marney with a bright smile on her face.
"How exciting was that?" she asks, looking first to Ellie then to me.
Ellie has tears in her eyes, which I hadn't noticed until now. My heart sinks over the fact I've been feeling so uptight about her. Maybe she isn't so bad after all. She obviously has a heart, and it's in the right place, and that is what truly matters, whether she is normally fake acting or not.
"So wonderful," Ellie states emotionally. "Beautiful. I loved it. I thought I was excited before, but now I have this whole new anxious feeling. I can't wait to meet the little potato."
Leon reaches for her hand, holding it while she leans into him, smiling ear to ear. He stares over at the monitor, then to Marney. For what seems like the first time, he isn't looking at me.
I look at Marney as well, just as she gives me a questioning look. "How do you feel?"
"That was incredible," I tell her. "It definitely is an intense feeling."
"I'm happy you feel that way. It's good to know when our surrogate moms feel a connection to the baby."
I don't know what more to say to that, so I smile at her while climbing off the exam table. I sit in the chair to put on my shoes.
"Oh, those can't be comfortable," Ellie states. I look up to see if she's speaking to me or not. "Those shoes. They've got to be ages old."
Looking down to confirm I am in fact wearing my new sneakers Dad bought me a month before he passed, I glance back up at her. "They're pretty new, actually. Comfortable too."
"I don't know," she questions. This is the Ellie I dis-like. The high maintenance one that can't keep a thought to herself. "I think that you should make your way over to Margaret Joanne's, they can custom fit shoes to you, to make sure you're not adding too much pressure to different parts of your feet. I would hate for your ankles to swell due to wearing cheap shoes."
I continue to stare, blinking a couple times, while feeling three inches tall. After a moment of overall silence, I finally give in her to insult. "Sure. I can do that this week."
"Oh, good. That'll make me happy. I'll even help pay for them. Only the best for you and our peanut."
Marney closes up the appointment by going over some of the things the doctor already talked about, mainly what I need to be doing to stay healthy for the baby, things to eat and avoid, limit my stress, and a million things I already know. Then she tells us, as the previous doctor, what to look forward to at the next few visits.
"So how soon will be know the gender?" Ellie asks.
"Typically seventeen weeks, sometimes it's harder with a first pregnancy, so we may have to try for twenty weeks."
"Oh, I thought you could take blood and figure it out with science."
Marney nods her head. "We could, but we try not to. Even so, that wouldn't be until another seven or eight weeks, since we are technically six weeks into the pregnancy."
"Can we leave it open as an option?"
"Certainly. Another thing Monica will have to agree on though."
They both look to me, and I feel like I'm caught with my hand in the cookie jar. I shrug, unsure how to answer. "I don't care how you find out the gender."
Without a thank you or anything, Ellie continues to speak with Marney. "Lastly, for the next three weeks I'll be in New York City for work. I know the next appointment isn't for four weeks, but if there happens to be any reason for Monica to be in office, would you please Face Time me or something? I'd like to be available for all her appointments."
"Absolutely, that would not be a problem whatsoever. Do you have any more questions or concerns you would like to discuss with Monica or myself while we're all here?"
"Oh, I don't think so. Babe?" She looks up to Leon, who is still looking anywhere but at me.
"I can't think of anything."
"Okay, so I will keep in touch. Have a safe trip, Ellie." Marney walks them to the door, closing it behind them as they leave.
She looks to me with a small smile on her face, not nearly as enthusiastic as before. "Are you ready for your first counseling session?"
"No choice, right?" I laugh playfully, but it comes out dull.
"You do have a choice, but it is highly recommended. Only once a month until you're at thirty five weeks. It really isn't so bad, and you'll be able to leave when you feel like it."
I nod my head, standing from the bench. "Then I'm ready."
The counselor is much older than Marney and myself, probably in her mid-to-late fifties. She has on thick glasses, and her face is framed with choppy dark brown hair. She is a heftier woman who wears clothes straight from the nineties, but she is polite in her briefing, and starts out asking simple questions that I have no issues talking about.
Then she asks, "How did you feel during the ultrasound?" And I'm left feeling indifferent.
"I don't really know," I answer honestly.
"Why is that?"
; "I felt a lot of things, but I also felt... empty. I don't think I can explain it."
"Believe it or not, that is common. The fetus is growing inside of you, and you're experiencing all the hormones and emotions, but you have your brain warning you not to get attached. It's sending out signals all over your body, letting it know this is going to be tough. This is why it's extremely important you have a support system behind you. You do have friends and family helping, correct?"
Bowing my head in shame, I admit that I haven't told my mom yet. I also tell her about everything that happened with Sumner, but how I have Rochelle and Penelope helping me. She gives me options on different ways to tell my mom, with the probability of having a friend with me when I do so. Then she gives me guidance with everything that happened with Sumner. By the end of the counseling session, I do feel a lot better. She helped clarify my thoughts and gave me the encouragement I needed.
Walking out of the building, I check my phone for messages or calls. I have one text from my mom, asking if I'll be there for supper. I've been avoiding her lately, scared on how to tell her about everything, especially watching her gradually do better with her addiction and grief.
I type out a message telling her I'll be there sometime after five. Then suddenly I scream out when someone's hand touches my shoulder. Quickly turning, I go to swing for whoever it is, just to be frozen in place by bright silver eyes.
"Sorry, I didn't mean to scare you." Leon's face looks anything but sorry. In fact, he looks purely amused.
Taking a couple deep breathes to ease my pounding heart, I take a step back from Leon, knowing the proximity of one another is far too close. "It's fine. I really wasn't expecting anyone I know to be around here. Or to touch me without saying something first."
He runs his hand over the scruff on his face, while still looking seductive with his half smile. Except, I told myself not to think that, so I look away from him, pretending to be in a bit of a hurry.
"Looking for someone?" he asks.
"Just my car." I realize seconds after I say that that we're nowhere near the parking lot, and I'm definitely not looking around like I can't find my car. I'm looking... well, pathetic.
He doesn't say as much, but when I sneak a look back over at him, he continues to stare at me with enjoyment.
"What are you still doing here anyway?" I ask. My appointment was over an hour long after they left.
"Wanted to celebrate."
"Celebrate what?"
"Were you not in that room?" He points back to the building. "Did you not see what we've all accomplished?"
For the first time I'm seeing Leon a little differently. He hasn't seem interested in having a child up until now, he seemed to be along for the ride, manly for Ellie. I think back to the counseling session I literally just had. Polly Ann, the counselor, said that I need to attempt to look at this pregnancy in every direction. From my feelings, to the feelings of the parents, to those surrounding us all. If Leon wants to celebrate the news of having a child- a child I'm carrying for him no less- than I see no reason to say no.
There is that little voice in my head saying this isn't smart. That I shouldn't hang out with him without Ellie around. That I'm going to fuck everything up somehow. Then there is the other voice telling me what I'm doing is harmless, because I know what lines not to cross, and I know that he has zero feelings for me. And all I have for him is a measly little crush, because he is insanely attractive. Nothing more.
"So... what you were thinking?"
His little grin lifts higher. "Ice cream?"
"Because I'm pregnant? Are there going to be pickles too?"
He stares blankly at me. Obviously he never heard of pickles and ice cream before, so now I feel like an idiot. He shrugs though after a second and says, "Sure, I can pick you up some."
I know damn well my face blushes, but I try to play it off like I'm not super embarrassed. "No, I was making a reference to something. Never mind. Yeah, ice cream sounds good." My words are rushed, but I don't care. I made my point.
He starts walking towards the parking lot. "Where is Ellie?" I ask, following alongside him. I don't technically care, except that I'm incredibly curious. I'm curious about a lot, mainly why he felt the need to celebrate with me rather than with her.
"Airport. I had to drop her off after the appointment."
"So you came back for me?"
His only response is to glance over at me for a few seconds, then he continues forward. I follow along, waiting for an answer I know I'm not going to receive. Probably because it's obvious, seeings as he is right here.
He drives an extremely gorgeous bright red Toyota Supra that I don't even know if I want to touch. I look up at him while standing outside the passenger door. "This is yours?"
"I have good taste, what can I say?"
"That this thing must go fast."
He chuckles. "Oh, it does, but don't worry, I won't drive fast. I have precious cargo I need to keep safe." He winks as he opens the door.
Nothing could have prepared me for the reaction my body has from both his words and that wink. Does he mean me or the baby is precious cargo? I tell myself he means the baby, but something else is telling me that is false.
Taking a cleansing breath, I open the door and settle into the low seat of his sports car. It's as beautiful on the inside as it is on the out. He tells me to buckle and without a moment’s notice, he is pulling from the parking lot and buzzing down the road. I don't think he is speeding, but I'm frozen into place. With my thoughts, and the feel of this car, and the fact we're in far too small of a space to be alone, I'm pretty well captivated.
He pulls into a family fun park where there is a long building, which has about fifteen windows where they serve ice cream. Several people stand outside of them waiting for their frozen treats. He parks the car a pretty good distance from the building, so we have to walk over in the scorching hot sun.
"So are you from around here?" he asks while we walk. He is a lot more commutative now than he has been. He's also extremely personable, but that much I gathered before now.
"Lived in Los Angeles my whole life."
"I'm from San Diego. Ever been?"
"Quite a bit when I was younger. I have an aunt that lives there, actually. Our families aren't close like they used to be, but when I was younger it seemed like we were always visiting back and forth."
"What part is she from?"
"San Marcos."
"Nice. I grew up around North Park. I love San Diego, but it was too much of a commute each day. After I'm finished with this film I may buy a house back home though."
It's the first time he's even mentioned his career- unlike Ellie, who has brought it up several times now. Hers, not his. It sometimes surprises me that she is the type of woman to have a boyfriend or the want for a child, where she seems to building her career up more and more, and she obviously loves every bit of it.
I don't think of her though, I want to know more about Leon. I tell myself it's because I want to know what kind of father this baby is going to grow up with, but if I'm not lying to myself, it's because I'm interested in what kind of person he is in general.
"What made you become an actor?" I ask after a moment. I don't want to push him to discuss things he doesn't want to. I know he gets enough paparazzi and news reporters asking him this and that.
"My mom pushed my brother and me to do it. Used to drive my dad insane, but it didn't matter to her. She'd get us up at six o'clock on a Saturday morning to drive us five hours to an audition. Finally we got to do some magazine shoots, and it took off from there."
"So your brother acts, too?"
He starts laughing, looking down at me like he's covering some hilarious secret. "You could say that."
"What is so funny?"
"Ever heard of Richard Fitzwell?"
I try to think if it even sounds familiar, but it really doesn't. "No, don't believe I have."
"Probably because he goes by his
nickname."
We're closing in on the windows of the shop, so I hurry to rack my brain for what the nicknames of Richard are. "Rich?"
"Nah."
"Richie?"
"Nope." He starts to smile, amused by my answer. We stand behind two girls in line while I think of something else.
"Oh, duh. Dick."
He winks, and just as before it sends a tantalizing feeling throughout my body.
"So why didn't you just call him Dick Fitzwell?" As soon as I say the name out loud my face flushes with embarrassment.
One lady in front of me gasps, turning to give me a crooked look, as if my words truly insulted her. I bite down on my lip, giving Leon a glare that should slice through him. He shrugs. "I was trying to respect my surroundings."
"You're an ass," I hiss out.
He starts to chuckle. "I wasn't lying. That is what he goes by."
"He's a..."
He leans in close to whisper. "Porn star? Yeah. Not exactly what my mom had intended for him, but he does well with it apparently."
"I'm a bit unsure if I ever want to meet your family."
He stands tall again, still highly amused. "We're an interesting bunch."
I can concur to that statement. Then my mind wanders to the fact he must come from some seriously incredible genes if he's one of Hollywood's biggest aspiring actors, and looks the way he does, then he has a brother who is obviously attractive and well-endowed enough to be a porn star. I have to advert my eyes away from Leon so I don't try to figure out if he, too, is large.
Definitely not an okay thought to be having.
"What would you enjoy?"
"Excuse me?" I look back to Leon, my face definitely pink this time. My mind was overthinking perverted thoughts, and he is asking what I'd enjoy. It takes me a second to register what he means. What kind of ice cream flavor would I enjoy. "Oh, um, cookie dough, please," I stutter.
