Sweet Surrender, Baby Surprise

by Kate Carlisle

  Cameron held up his hand. “Okay, I know where this is going and we’ve been there before. For the last time, I’m telling you that we have a great life together. Why can’t you just let it go at that?”

  He reached for her hand and squeezed it. It was an affectionate move, meant to reassure her that he cared. But oddly enough, she had to blink back unexpected tears that threatened to fall. She refused to cry, refused to act like more of an idiot than she already was. But was it so idiotic to want all of him? She wanted his heart, not just his name. If that made her a fool, then so be it. At least she would be a fool for love. The thought made her smile all the way home.

  But the next day, as she put the breakfast dishes in the dishwasher, she felt her world closing in on her. She had to sit down for a minute as she wondered if she was actually sick or if it was just her heart breaking.

  “Good grief,” she murmured, standing up with determination. She shut the dishwasher door and turned it on. “When did you become such a drama queen?”

  Why couldn’t she just let it go? But she couldn’t. She’d fallen in love with Cameron and all those strong feelings had wormed their way into her heart. She had to do something about them because she was pretty sure that if she continued to live without love, she would lose herself.

  With a sigh, she remembered there was one person in the world she could talk to about her problems. She changed Jake’s diaper and got him dressed, then packed him in the car and drove to Sally’s house.

  “What a nice surprise,” Sally said when she opened her front door.

  “I hope you don’t mind that we stopped by without calling.”

  “Are you kidding?” she said. “I love it. Come in.”

  “Thanks.”

  Sally led the way through her comfortable, stylish living room to her big sunny kitchen. “Don’t ever think you can’t drop in on me. I love seeing you.”

  Jake blew bubbles and cooed as he bounced in his carrier.

  “Yes, my little darling.” Sally tickled his belly. “I love seeing you, too.”

  She pulled a pitcher of iced tea from the refrigerator, poured two glasses and placed them on napkins on the kitchen table. “Now sit and tell me what’s going on. Are you feeling okay? You look a bit down.”

  Julia shook her hair back and held her shoulders up. “I don’t really know where to begin. I suppose I’ll start by saying, I’m in love with your son.”

  “I assume you mean Cameron,” Sally said dryly.

  Julia choked on her laugh. “Yes, of course.”

  “Okay, then yes,” she said, chuckling. “Of course I know you love him, despite your inability to admit it at the wedding. It makes me so happy to hear you finally say it.”

  Julia began shredding her napkin. “But he doesn’t love me, Sally.”

  “What?” Frowning, Sally sat back in her chair. “Honey, of course he does. He loves you very much. I can tell with every look he gives you. I’ve never seen him so happy.”

  “Why won’t he tell me, then?”

  “Tell you what?”

  Julia gave Sally a look of frustration. “Why won’t he tell me he loves me?”

  Sally took a slow sip of her tea. “He’s never told you?”

  “No,” Julia admitted, and buried her face in her hands. “And I feel so stupid, so needy. It’s making me sick inside. We actually agreed, when we got married, that love wouldn’t come into it.”

  “You did what?” Sally sounded sincerely shocked.

  “Oh, I know what you’re thinking,” Julia said. “But it seemed like the right thing to do at the time. We married in order to provide Jake with two parents who lived together and loved him. And I was just so happy to be a part of your family, I had to do it.”

  “Oh, sweetie.” She sniffled.

  “But now I’ve fallen in love with Cameron and I’ve told him, but he insists he’s not in love with me. And the thing is, Sally, we’re so happy otherwise. So maybe I should just stop whining and be content with what I’ve got.”

  Julia sat up straight and looked at her mother-in-law with resolve. “But I can’t. I used to think I could be happy without love, but I want it all, Sally. I want him to love me.”

  “Oh, dear.” Sally jumped up from the table and stooped down next to Julia, where she rubbed her arm and patted her cheek. “He does love you, sweetie. Believe me, I know my son. He’s not an easy man, but he’s worth the battle.”

  “He really is,” Julia said through a light mist of tears.

  “Now, you need to stop worrying so much.”

  “I’m trying.”

  “Good girl,” Sally said. “Now try harder.”

  Julia laughed, then took hold of Sally’s hand and squeezed it. “But I need to ask you something really serious, and I hope you’ll keep it between us.”

  “Anything, sweetie.”

  Julia bit her lip, then took a deep breath and said what she’d come here to say. “Is there something about Cameron that makes him not want to love me? Oh, that sounds so stupid but I need to know. Is it something about me? Or is it him?”

  “Oh, my,” Sally said, pushing herself up. She began to pace around the kitchen as she talked. “Poor Cameron. Your question makes me wonder if this whole thing might be because of his father. He was a horrible man. I never got the complete story because the records were sealed, but I knew he was violent. I don’t want to alarm you, but I did find out that the man killed Cameron’s mother, then killed himself.”

  “Oh, that’s awful. Cameron’s never said anything.”

  “No, he wouldn’t. But he was so unhappy when he first came to live with us.”

  “Oh, God,” Julia whispered, as she considered the sad little boy he’d been back then.

  “Then, when he was a senior in high school,” Sally said, “he met a girl.” She told Julia about Wendy. “He always blamed himself for her horrible behavior.”

  “But that’s not fair,” Julia cried.

  “No, but that’s Cameron. I’ll never forget it when he told me it was his fault and that his father was right.”

  “Oh, dear.”

  “Maybe I shouldn’t have told you all this,” Sally said, frowning. “I don’t want you to worry that he might hurt you. He wouldn’t.”

  Julia’s eyes widened in disbelief, then she started to laugh. “Hurt me? Cameron? He doesn’t have a violent bone in his body.”

  Sally smiled. “It’s true. He never was much of a fighter. Oh, sure, he went and joined the marines, but it wasn’t because he was looking for a fight. My theory was that his early childhood was so chaotic, he was always seeking more control and order in his life. I think he appreciated that aspect of the military.”

  Julia made a face. “Well, he certainly likes to control things, doesn’t he? But still, he wouldn’t hurt a fly. He’s the most gentle man I know.”

  “Yes he is,” Sally said, then smiled slyly. “But I’m thinking you might need to ruffle his feathers a bit before he comes to that realization for himself.”

  Julia frowned at her for a moment, then slowly, understanding dawned. “Oh, Sally, you’re a wise woman.”

  She splayed her hands out. “That’s exactly what I keep telling my sons.”

  Cameron brought her a beautiful butterfly pin made of yellow diamonds and sapphires.

  “Oh, Cameron, it’s lovely,” she said. “But why?”

  “No reason.”

  She took a deep breath. “Are you sure it’s not because you’re in love with me?”

  “Julia…”

  “I know, I know.” She held up her hand. “It’s okay, I know you won’t say it. But I do want to make sure of one thing. You love Jake, right?”

  “What? Of course I do,” he said and stared impatiently out the window.

  “I’m glad to hear it, for your sake and Jake’s.”

  “What are you getting at?” he asked.

  She placed the lovely pin back in its cushioned jewelry box. She smiled at him and her tone t
urned blunt. “It’ll just make the custody agreement easier to deal with once Jake and I move back to my house.”

  “Once you-what?” Stunned, he spun her around to face him. “What’s that supposed to mean? You’re not moving out. We’re married. You’re not going anywhere.”

  She clasped her hands together. “I thought it would be enough, Cameron. But it’s not. You’re a wonderful man, kind and attentive, and so good with Jake. You’re an amazing lover and a great friend. But you don’t love me, and I want a husband who will love me.”

  “I’m your husband,” he bellowed, then remembered the baby and lowered his voice. “This is all wrong, Julia. You’re trying to change the rules again.”

  “I don’t think I am,” she said quietly. “I just think that from now on, I’m following my own rules.”

  “And what are your rules, Julia?” he said, with just a hint of sarcasm.

  “There’s only one rule, so far,” she said. “I deserve to be loved.”

  “I can give you almost anything,” he bit out, “but I can’t give you that.”

  “Even though I know you love me?”

  “You’re wrong, babe. I don’t love you.”

  She struggled to catch her breath. He’d never denied it quite that harshly before. But she would get through this. “All right then. I guess that’s it.”

  “I’m sorry,” he said, rubbing his neck in frustration. “But you made me angry. Look, I don’t want to hurt you. Ever. And that’s why…” He stopped.

  “That’s why…what?” she asked finally.

  “That’s why I’ll never tell you I love you.”

  She sighed and prayed for patience. “Cameron, you’ve given me more than fifty thousand dollars worth of jewelry.”

  “Exactly,” he said, as if he were praising a bright six-year-old. “Doesn’t that prove that I care about you? Haven’t I treated you well and given you things to remind you of our good times together? Can’t that be enough?”

  “All those things are a sign that you love me,” she said pleasantly. “So you might as well just say it.”

  “Look, I won’t do this,” he said, pacing the room. “You keep going over this same issue and it’s never going to turn out to your satisfaction.”

  “You’re right, and that’s why I think we need to separate for a while.”

  “No.” His fists bunched up and he gritted his teeth, seeming to struggle for the words that would stop her from making demands while also explaining why things had to be done his way. Finally, he composed himself enough to speak. “Look, I grew up in a bad place. My father was…”

  “Your father?” she prompted after a moment.

  “Was a jackass,” he said with force. “Violent. Mean. My mother suffered for it.”

  She winced. “Did he hurt you?”

  He laughed without humor. “Once in a while. Didn’t mean anything. Mostly he took his rage out on my mother. And that’s a fact I’m not exactly proud of.”

  “Why?”

  “I didn’t protect her, did I?”

  “How old were you?”

  He shrugged. “Six, seven. Doesn’t matter. I couldn’t stop him. But the worst part was that every time he hit her, he would yell that he was doing it because he loved her.”

  Julia cringed as she finally saw the reason behind Cameron’s reluctance to admit love. “That’s awful.”

  “He loved her,” Cameron repeated, his face a mask of revulsion and pain. “And he showed his love by beating the crap out of her.”

  “Oh, Cameron,” she said, and reached out to touch his shoulder in a move meant to comfort him.

  He flinched. “No. Don’t.”

  “But-”

  “Don’t you get it?” He stepped back from her. “I have that same violent streak buried somewhere inside me. I know it’s there. So I’ll never give in. I’ll never love. Believe me, I’ve tried. It didn’t work. In fact, it ruined people’s lives. I’m a bad risk. Do you understand now?”

  “But you’re not anything like your father,” she said gently.

  “It’s not that simple.” He raked his fingers through his hair. “Look, I know you want to hear the words, but I’ll never say them. And I’ll never feel them, either. I care about you, Julia, but I refuse to hurt you like my father hurt my mother. I couldn’t live with myself if that happened.”

  Julia would never say it aloud, but she was already hurting. Bleeding. For him. “Do you remember our wedding night?”

  He seemed taken aback by her non sequitur. “Of course.”

  “I was so angry with you.”

  He grimaced. “Yeah, I know. For good reason.”

  “I stormed out and you spent the night on the couch, remember?” she persisted. “I think I hit you at one point.”

  “You were pissed off.”

  “But nothing happened.”

  “Well, sure it did,” he said, looking at her as though she’d lost her mind. “The next night we had a great time. You don’t remember?”

  She rolled her eyes. “Yes, I remember that part. But I’m talking about when I was so angry. I was yelling at you, and I could tell you were angry, too. But you didn’t hit me back. And the same thing happened when I painted the kitchen. You were furious with me.”

  “Yeah, so?”

  “Why didn’t you hit me?” she persisted.

  He frowned. “Look, you’re upset right now, but you’ve got to know that I would never hit you-”

  “That’s right!” Her eyes lit up. “You would never hit me because you’re so nonviolent, it’s ridiculous.”

  “No, that’s not why,” he muttered, walking away. “I’ll never hit you because I don’t love you.”

  Julia was startled. But then she began to laugh.

  “It’s true,” he said, then turned and pointed at her in warning. “Don’t push me, Julia.”

  Still laughing, she walked right up to him and pushed his chest, hard. He didn’t budge. Julia shook her head and wrapped her arms around him, whispering, “I’m pushing you, Cameron, but you would still never hit me. I know you wouldn’t. It’s not in your makeup.”

  Resting her head on his chest, she held him tightly and took a moment to mourn the traumatized young boy he used to be. And she felt herself falling more in love with the strong, generous man he was today. The stubborn, ox-headed man who refused to recognize love when it shoved him in the chest.

  After a long moment, she lifted her head and gazed at him. “Do you remember when you asked me why I always baked cupcakes?”

  “Yeah.”

  “I told you that after my parents died, whenever it was my birthday, Cook would give me a cupcake to celebrate the occasion. What I didn’t say was that Cook told me it would be a waste of time and energy to bake an entire cake just for one little girl. So every year, I got that one cupcake.”

  Her shoulders trembled at the memories and he tightened his hold on her.

  “One sad little cupcake with one candle in the middle,” she said, and tried to laugh about it. “In my mind, cupcakes began to symbolize my life. And now I can see they symbolized my loneliness.”

  “Oh, baby,” he murmured, and rubbed her back.

  “Sometimes I would go into the kitchen and beg Cook to let me help with the baking, just to be near another human being in that big old drafty mansion. After a while, I discovered I was really good at baking.”

  “You’re more than good at it.”

  “Thanks,” she said. “I used to bring cupcakes to school sometimes and I saw how they made everyone feel better, especially myself. It was nurturing and fun to bake for other people and it kept some of the loneliness at bay.”

  She stepped away from Cameron’s embrace and looked him in the eye. “It might’ve been a brilliant business decision to start a bakery that specialized in cupcakes, but now I’m thinking of changing my business plan.”

  “Yeah?” he said, sounding almost afraid to ask what she had in mind.

  “Yeah,” sh
e said adamantly. “I’m not going to settle for cupcakes anymore. I want the whole damn cake.”

  She told him she needed space to think about things, then packed her bags and Jake’s baby gear.

  Cameron was beyond pissed off that she was leaving and taking Jake with her. “This is absurd, Julia. I don’t want you to go.”

  “You can stop me with a word,” she said lightly, though he could see her eyes were bright with tears. “No, make that three words.”

  He stared at her, his mouth a firm, thin line, saying nothing.

  Awash with a sudden wave of grief, she nodded. “That’s what I thought.” She put Jake into his baby seat. “Say bye-bye to daddy.”

  Jake bounced in his seat and waved his hands. “Dada!”

  Cameron stared after them as they drove down the driveway and disappeared, leaving him with nothing but his famous grip on control.

  Eleven

  Barely one hour later, Sally was knocking on his door.

  “Come on in, Mom,” Cameron said, holding the door open for her. “You want a beer?”

  “Of course I don’t want a beer,” she said, dropping her purse on the living room chair as she followed him into the kitchen. “Cameron, what is going on? You two looked so happy. I was so proud of you for finally accepting love into your life.”

  “It wasn’t what it looked like, Mom.” He shrugged. “We had an arrangement.”

  “Oh, don’t be ridiculous,” she said, waving his words away. “Arrangements. Good heavens. You kids today.”

  “Mom, I don’t-”

  “Look me in the eye and tell me you are not head over heels in love with Julia.”

  He gritted his teeth and stared her in the eyes. “No.”

  She narrowed her gaze. “No, you won’t tell me or no, you’re not in love.”

  He folded his arms across his chest defiantly. “I’m telling you I’m not in love with her.”

  She blinked in surprise. “My goodness. Well, I guess I’ll be going.”

  “No need to rush off,” he said, a little desperately. “You want to go for a swim or something?”

  “No, I got what I came here for.”

  “Mom,” he said, shaking his head. “I’m sorry.”