by Claire Raye
I walk to the front door, peering through the peephole first to check everything is clear. I feel like an arsehole, but Charlie is the last person I want to run into right now.
The door to their apartment is still closed and when I glance at my phone, I can see it’s still early, only just gone eight in the morning. I quietly open my front door, locking it behind me before walking quickly to the lift.
Inside, I hit the button for the parking garage, moving quickly as I throw my backpack into the passenger seat before getting in.
I have no idea where I’m going.
No fucking idea what I’m doing either.
I reverse out of my parking spot, heading toward the exit that will take me out onto the street. I turn left, away from the direction of the hospital, making my way toward the highway, where I head north because that seems like something to do.
But with every kilometer I put between me and Hawthorn, the ache in my chest only grows, spreading like a virus inside me until eventually, every fucking part of me hurts.
I know I should go back.
I know I should go back and be with her
But I can’t and I don’t.
And so I just continue to drive.
Chapter Five
Mila
They don’t take me in for surgery, but it doesn’t mean I won’t need it later. The puncture to my lung was the most serious of my injuries, caused by my broken ribs and I’ll need to follow up with an orthopedic for my broken ankle and my broken wrist. But none of what happened hurts as much as Adam walking out that door.
My body physically aches, bruised and broken, but my heart feels like it’s been ripped from my chest. All I really want is to go home and forget this ever happened, yet I know that is far harder said than done. I can’t even walk, and the right side of my body feels like someone took a baseball bat to it. I’ve been told it will feel this way for at least two weeks.
I remember very little from the accident, and I wish it also could have erased my memory in the process, but every detail from when Adam left remains as vivid as the day it happened.
“You’re going to be released today,” a different nurse says when she comes into my room early the next morning. “Here’s the card for the orthopedic we recommend. You’ll need to make an appointment and follow up with them to get your permanent casts and find out if you need surgery on that ankle.”
She hands me the card and then a pile of paperwork, asking me to sign in a few different places. It’s like déjà vu and once again, it makes me feel far more like an adult than I really want to be. My abortion was the first adult decision I made in my life and while I don’t regret it at all, I do hate that my secret was told in a way that was not my own.
“Do you have someone to pick you up?” she now asks, looking at me sympathetically and I can’t help but wonder if she talked to the other nurse. If she told her how my boyfriend walked out on me after finding out I had an abortion. If she looked in my chart and saw my medical history. If they talked about me in a way that was comforting or if I was nurses’ station gossip.
“I do. My sister is coming. She should be here any minute.” I look down at my phone, willing Ruby to just appear even though I sent her a text just seconds ago telling her to come get me.
Our parents arrived late last night and luckily for me the hospital told them they couldn’t visit, but that didn’t mean I didn’t spend an hour on the phone with my mother. I get that they were both worried and that I was seriously hurt, but holy shit, she went from hysterical to angry with me in like two seconds flat.
I’m certain it will be them who picks me up rather than Ruby and I’ve prepared myself for that. I’ve also prepared myself for the fact that they will demand I come home.
Disastrous Mila. Can’t be left alone for a second and she certainly can’t be trusted to live like an adult even if she’s now twenty-one years old.
The accident wasn’t even my fault. Hell, it wasn’t even Adam’s fault. We were doing the responsible thing and taking an Uber back from the bar. We were both drunk, both exhausted and I was halfway to falling asleep when it happened. My memory of it is just filled with sounds. The sound of metal scraping on metal, glass shattering and the sound my body made as I banged off the car door, the sound of voices and sirens, crying and screaming. The sound of Adam’s desperate pleas.
I feel the sting of tears and suddenly they’re falling from my eyes as the nurse sorts through my now signed paperwork. She looks up at me when I give a stupidly loud chest-heaving sniffle. I’m not looking to be consoled or for her sympathy. Quite the opposite actually. I’d just like to be left alone, something I doubt will happen anytime in the near future.
“Hon, you okay? Something hurting?” she asks, stepping closer and looking me over.
Everything hurts. My heart most of all.
“No, I’m fine. Sorry,” I quickly say, wiping at the tears that streak down my cheeks.
Ruby walks in just as the nurse is about to say something, her mouth open, but she closes it, resting her hand on my leg. “Here are your discharge instructions. No showering for two days. Follow up with the ortho ASAP and no weight on that leg until you see the ortho,” she orders. “Use the crutches whenever you are moving around, but only for things like the bathroom. No stairs at all. Do you have someone who can help you?”
“She’ll be staying with me,” Ruby interjects, taking the crutches from where they’re leaning against the wall. She already has my bag of stuff slung over her shoulder. She’s as ready to spring me from this joint as I am.
“Perfect. She’s going to have a hard time with the crutches because of the broken ribs and the wrist, but after a few days she should adjust. If anything seems off, too much pain, bleeding, or whatever, make sure you get in touch with us.”
“Got it,” Ruby replies, walking over to the bedside, where I’ve now shifted so I’m sitting on the edge, ready to stand up.
“Stay right where you are. I have someone coming up with a wheelchair and we’ll take you down to the car,” the nurse orders and I nod, not wanting a fucking wheelchair but something tells me balking at it will do me no good.
“Mom and Dad are waiting in the car,” Ruby says after the nurse leaves.
“Great,” I mutter, prepared for the barrage of guilt I’m about to be hit with. I run a hand through my dirty hair, desperate for a shower that even when it does come will be complete with garbage bags and assistance. I can’t wait for my sister to put on her bathing suit and stand in there with me.
“They wanted to take you home, but Caleb and I convinced them you’d be better off staying with us.” I know what she’s doing is to help me, but fuck my life, because nothing will help at this point.
“Thanks,” I grumble, not wanting to sound ungrateful, but I’m finding it really hard to feel grateful for anything.
“We can watch movies and order food and stay up late. It’ll be like one big sleepover,” she says, forcing excitement into her voice.
“Seriously, Ruby?” I deadpan, looking right at her as she smiles, plastering it on like a mother trying to convince her toddler to do something they don’t want to do.
“Okay, so it’s probably going to suck but it will suck less being at my house than at Mom and Dad’s. Can we just go with that for now?”
“Fine,” I reply, realizing I need to grow the fuck up, but today is not that day.
Thirty minutes later we pull up outside Ruby and Caleb’s perfect house, where they live their perfect life and where my parents are sitting in the front seat of the car wondering why I can’t be perfect like Ruby. I look over at her, not wanting to hold it against her, because I’m certain she has no idea I feel this way. She didn’t choose my life. I chose it and it’s my job to fix it, something I thought I was doing before this accident.
I had landed an amazing boyfriend. I was going to class, taking classes I actually enjoyed and was on track to actually gradu
ate with a degree in nursing. Everything felt controlled and calm and like I was finally out of that phase where shit was constantly being flung back at me.
You’re supposed to learn from your mistakes, take what you can from them because everyone makes them. It’s just taken me a little longer than the average person to learn from mine. I’m still learning, but I seriously need this shit to end.
My dad cuts the engine and Ruby jumps out almost immediately, going to the trunk to grab the crutches just as Caleb walks out the front door. He calls something to Ruby, shaking his head. And before I know it, he’s opening the car door and carrying me into the house.
“Caleb, seriously, put me down,” I say, trying to control the rage that is now mixing with my despair, shame and embarrassment.
“When I get you in the house, I’ll put you down.”
“You are not going to carry me around the house,” I start, but quell it when I feel my nose burn with the start of tears.
No more crying.
“No, I’m not. I’m just going to carry you into your room and from there you can use the crutches when you have to go to the bathroom,” Caleb states, like he’s gotten specific orders from Ruby who relayed the message the nurse gave.
“I can’t go up and down stairs,” I say, just as Caleb walks into their first-floor office that now has a bed, a TV and a little table with a bottle of water already on it.
“Seriously, you guys,” I start, biting down on my lip to stifle the cry I feel coming. I’ve been such a jealous asshole to Ruby, and she goes out of her way to help me.
He sets me down on the bed and Ruby comes in with my crutches and a couple of bags. “Charlie pulled some clothes and stuff together for you. She said she’ll come by later if you’re up for visitors.” She flops down next to me, not saying anything else and Caleb steps out.
I know my parents will be appearing in here any second and even though I know it, I’m still not prepared.
“Thank you,” I whisper to Ruby, the tears pooling in my eyes. It’s getting harder and harder to fight them off.
“Of course,” she says, reaching for my hand. “They’ve been asking about Adam,” she adds, her voice quiet. “I told them he was at home resting too.”
All I can do is nod, my head barely moving in response. It feels heavy, weighed down by everything I want to say to him but can’t.
“Is he okay?” I now ask, but just as Ruby is about to answer, our parents appear in the doorway.
“Do you need anything?” my dad asks, my mom echoing his sentiments.
“No, I’m fine. Just tired and sore.”
“Well, your mom’s going to make you both a few dinners and we’ll stick around till tomorrow. If you want us to stay longer just let us know,” my dad says, dancing around the elephant in the room. I’m certain they know Adam isn’t at home resting.
We all know it.
They linger a few seconds longer before they both leave, letting out defeated sighs as they walk away. I want to do the same.
“Caleb doesn’t know where Adam is,” Ruby says, the second they’re out of earshot. “He sent Caleb a text the morning after he left the hospital saying he needed some time off work and Caleb didn’t ask anything else.” She shrugs, pushing out her bottom lip a little in a pout that does nothing to ease my pain. “Have you tried to call him? Text him?”
“To say what?”
“To tell him what happened? To ask if he’s okay?”
“I’m afraid to,” I admit, looking at my phone that now sits on the table beside me. There’s a message typed out, ready to send, sitting in the little chat box, but I can’t bring myself to send it.
All it says is, “I’m sorry”. Sorry for what? The list is so long it’s not even funny.
“I know you don’t want to hear this, but I honestly think this isn’t about you. This is about something else with Adam and I think you need to ask him. Ask him if he’s okay.”
I don’t respond, I just lie there looking up at the ceiling, my thoughts going in every direction, consumed now with wondering if Adam’s okay.
“I’m worried about him. He ran off and now no one knows where he is…” I can’t get anything else out, so I bury my face in the pillow and cry.
What if…
Chapter Six
Adam
I see the sign for Lake Tahoe and turn without thinking. I’ve been driving for seven solid hours, only stopping once for petrol. I don’t know if I’ve consciously driven here or if I’m expecting to find something here or what.
I no longer know what the fuck I’m doing anymore.
All I want to do is to go back to Hawthorn and Mila. I miss her so fucking bad, my body aches with it. I miss her touch, her smile, her smell, her eyes, her everything.
I just miss her, and I have no idea why I’m here.
When I hit the main part of town, I drive aimlessly, taking random turns purely based on the lights or traffic. Eventually I make it to the lake and pull into a parking spot nearby. I get out to stretch my legs more than anything, walking around while I bite the bullet and check my phone.
The screen is filled with text messages, all from Caleb. He’s been blowing up my phone since I sent him that message about needing some time off work. I re-read the two he sent me this morning and the rest that came after.
Caleb: hey, are you ok? Ruby said you left the hospital last night. Mila didn’t have surgery in the end. Call me…we’ll go see her.
Caleb: Adam, call me. Please. Trust me, I know how shitty this is. Let us help you.
Caleb: Went and saw Mila…she’s doing ok, as well as can be expected anyway. She’s missing you though, wants to know where you are.
Caleb: call her Adam. Whatever this thing is that’s going on between you two, it can be fixed. Just talk to her. I promise it will be okay.
Caleb: look, I know it seems like everything is a mess. I get that, seriously, if anyone understands feeling helpless, it’s me. But trust me when I say this will get better and that starts with you talking to someone. It doesn’t have to be Mila, it doesn’t have to be me, but talk Adam. It helps, trust me.
Caleb: and please call her. She’s so sad without you.
Caleb: she’s home now btw, staying with us because she can’t walk.
Caleb: broken ankle and wrist, three cracked ribs, punctured lung and a lot of bruising in the end.
Caleb: sorry, I didn’t send that to make you feel worse. I just wanted you to know. How are you doing with all of this? I hope you’re okay.
Caleb: None of this is your fault you know.
I groan out loud, wondering how the fuck I’m supposed to fix this. Deep down, I know what Caleb says is true, but it doesn’t make things any easier because at the end of the day when Mila needed me, when she needed me more than anything else, I bailed.
I bailed on her, running and leaving her to think that I don’t care about her or that she means nothing to me, which couldn’t be further from the truth.
My phone rings and I’m about to silence it when I see my brother’s name flashing up on the screen. I’m overcome with an intense longing for something and someone familiar, someone who knows what happened to me before and who doesn’t need me to explain it to them.
“Hey,” I say, when I answer.
“Adam!” my brother yells and if I didn’t know better, I’d say he’d had a few drinks. There’s the sound of people laughing and talking in the background and I envy the fact that life for him is so fucking normal. “How’s things? What’s happening?”
I exhale, running a hand through my hair as I reply, “Fucked.”
“Wait, what? What’s happened?” he asks, suddenly sounding a lot more sober as he moves somewhere quieter.
I close my eyes, swallowing hard against the sob that’s suddenly lodged itself in my throat.
“Adam, man, are you okay? Talk to me.”
My chest feels tight, like it’s wrapp
ed in a vice as I try desperately to suck air into my lungs. “I fucked up, Josh,” I finally get out, the words catching in my throat as another sob escapes. “I fucked up so bad.”
“What happened?” he asks, his question filled with worry. “Is it something with Mila?”
“Yeah.”
“Talk to me,” he says, his words a reminder of the things Caleb has been messaging me. “Please.”
I force in a deep breath as I realize my cheeks are wet with tears. I brush them away as I lean back against my car, staring out at the lake. “We were coming home and got in an accident,” I start.
“Shit, are you okay? Is Mila, is she—”
“She’s okay,” I say, cutting him off. “Sort of anyway. She got the worst of it, but she’s…”
“Fuck,” Josh says again. “And you?”
“Barely a scratch,” I say, guilt gnawing at me. “We were in an Uber and some idiot blew through a red light or something.”
“Oh my god,” Josh breathes out. “Fuck man, I’m so glad you’re okay. But seriously, how did you fuck up? It sounds like an accident.”
“I left.”
“What?” he asks.
“They took her to the hospital and when the nurse came to ask her some questions in case she needed surgery, I left.” My voice sounds flat, my words spoken almost in monotone.
“Why?” Josh asks, his question curious but without judgement.
I let out a long exhale. “Good fucking question,” I tell him. “I’m so fucking stupid to react like that, to not be able to keep my shit together and fucking bail. Fuck.”
“Whoa, Adam, slow down man, this isn’t your fault and given everything that happened before, it’s totally understandable. Just go back and tell her, explain things. I mean she doesn’t know, right?”
“No,” I breathe out, my heart pounding. “I’ve never told her.”
