by Claire Raye
“Maybe it’s time you did,” Josh suggests. “I mean, none of that was your fault either, so you don’t need to feel—”
“She had an abortion,” I blurt out.
“Wait, what. Was it yours?” my brother asks.
“No,” I reply, shaking my head. “It was before we met. I don’t even know whose and I don’t care, but…” I trail off, having no fucking clue how to explain this, much less why I reacted the way I did when I heard the words.
“It triggered something,” Josh suggests, knowing exactly what’s going on here because he was there before, because he knows everything.
“Yeah,” I murmur. “I guess so and then I fucking freaked out and bailed on her right when she needed me most and now she’s going to think it’s because I have an issue with what she did when it’s the last thing I care about.” My words come out in a rush, as though now I’ve finally admitted to someone what happened, I can’t stop them.
“So go and tell her,” Josh says as though it’s that simple. “Talk to her, Adam and explain things.”
“How the fuck do I do that after what I’ve done?”
I hear him exhale down the phone, before he takes a sip of something. There’s a moment of silence before he asks, “Do you love her?”
“So fucking much it terrifies me,” I blurt out.
“Then start with that,” he suggests. “Tell her how you feel and then tell her what happened. She’ll understand, Adam. I promise.”
“How can you possibly know that?” I ask, frustrated.
Josh chuckles. “Because. She loves you too, that much is obvious, and she’s done more for you in a couple of months than any of us have been able to do in over a year.”
Josh’s words slice through me, the pain a harsh reminder of the fact I cut him and my parents off, that I resisted every attempt they made to try and help me when my life went to shit the first time. Instead, I walked out, left with barely a word and haven’t said much about it all since. I truly am an arsehole.
“It’s not that you—”
“Dude, I get it,” he says, cutting me off. “I know what happened before, Adam, and I know what that did to you. I get why you had to run, and I get why it took someone like Mila to bring you back. Just don’t lose her or what she’s done for you because you’re afraid to talk about it with her.”
I know what my brother is saying is true, but none of it makes what I have to do any easier.
“You know I’m right,” he says, as though reading my mind.
“Fuck me,” I say, letting out a humorless laugh. “When the hell did you get so wise?”
Josh laughs. “Please, I might be younger, but we both know, I’m definitely wiser.”
“Whatever,” I say, feeling a little better for having spoken to him. “I’m glad you called.”
“Me too,” he says. “And I’m sorry about what happened.”
“Yeah, I know,” I reply. “Anyway, what’s been happening with you?”
“Fuck that,” he says, but I can tell he’s smiling. “We’re not talking about me right now. Right now, you’re gonna hang up the phone and go and see your girl. Talk to her and explain why you ran. She’ll get it. And then in a couple of weeks, you can come and pick me up from the airport and I’ll finally get to meet her.”
“Shit, you’re actually coming over?”
Josh laughs. “Yeah man, I told you I was. And you’re not gonna talk me out of it either, so don’t even bother.”
“I wasn’t going to,” I tell him, the guilt at how I’ve treated my family for the past year or so only making me feel even worse. “I’m excited that you’re coming. I’ve missed you.”
“Me too,” he says quietly.
“Text me your flight details,” I tell him.
“I will and you go and see your girl.”
I sigh. “I will,” I admit. “It’s gonna take a bit, I’m in Tahoe.”
“What the fuck are you doing there?” he asks.
“I don’t know,” I say, as I let out a sigh. “I’m an idiot.”
“No, you’re not,” he says. “You’re just scared and hurting.”
“Yeah,” I murmur.
“So go,” Josh says, his words firm. “And drive carefully, okay? I’ll talk to you soon.”
“Sounds good, bro, and seriously, thank you.”
“Anytime.”
After we hang up, I don’t move, I just stare out at the lake for a little while longer as I turn over all the things my brother said to me. I knew he would understand what I’d done and why, but it’s always easier with him because he knows about my past, he knows what I ran from.
Mila doesn’t and now, she thinks I ran because of her and what she did.
And that’s the last fucking thing I want her thinking.
Staring down at my phone screen, I flick through all the messages Caleb has sent me. Despite him telling me that Mila is now home, there are no messages from her. Nothing to ask where I am or if I’m coming back or what’s going on.
It scares me that she hasn’t sent one. Scares me that she’s already given up on me or thinks I’ve given up on her.
“Fucking hell,” I mutter as I open up the last message from Caleb.
Caleb: None of this is your fault, you know.
With a hard sigh, I type out a response I don’t believe before slipping my phone into my pocket and getting back in the car.
Chapter Seven
Mila
I try to sleep, but I fail, and it’s not just because of the cumbersome casts or the pain radiating through the entire right side of my body. Those are minute in detail compared to the worry that consumes me. I don’t know what happened in Adam’s past, but I know he was hurting when we met, and I’ve only added to that. I just need to know he’s okay, that he’s safe and eventually maybe he’ll give me the opportunity to explain to him what happened in my past. He doesn’t owe me that, and I’ll be damn lucky if he ever speaks to me again.
Ruby slept next to me all night, waking almost every time I moved and now, I have that guilt sitting heavy on my conscience. I don’t deserve her as my sister because up until just a few days ago I probably wouldn’t have done the same for her. Or maybe I would have, but moving forward, I’m going to do better, be better to her. I have no reason to be jealous of the life she has worked at. She took Caleb in when he had nothing, she gave to him expecting nothing in return and she patiently waited for him.
“Only one more day and you can take a shower,” Ruby croaks out, her voice hoarse with the lack of sleep still.
“Yeah, and I have my orthopedic appointment today, so maybe I’ll get lucky and I won’t need surgery,” I respond, trying to find some small piece of positivity in all of this.
“That would be great news, and Charlie’s coming by today to drop off your books and the stuff you’ll need for your online classes.”
“Online classes, what the hell is that going to look like?”
“It’s going to look like you not having to wake up late and scramble to run across campus like the rest of us idiots,” Ruby says, and I have no idea how she does it, but shit, she’s so damn good at making something I feel like I might hate into something that isn’t so bad.
“How do you do it?” I ask, just as Caleb walks into the room, stopping to kiss Ruby.
“Do what?” she asks.
“Make shit into roses?”
Caleb laughs out loud, Ruby glaring at him. “She’s an interesting one, isn’t she? Annoying sometimes too.” He’s teasing her and it’s so cute. “But she really does have a knack for turning things around. Spend a little more time with her and suddenly your car accident will be the best thing that has ever happened to you.”
“I’m not sure I’m ready for that,” I mutter, realizing that unless Adam comes home, nothing good will have ever come of this.
“Caleb’s going to take you to your appointment because I have hours to log
at the clinic today. I hope that’s okay,” Ruby says, climbing out of bed.
“Yeah, that’s fine.”
Right now, everything feels too heavy to carry, so to me, it doesn’t matter who takes me to a doctor’s appointment or who drops off my books.
“I have to go to the bathroom,” I murmur, swinging my legs over the side of the bed and reaching for my crutches.
“Do you need help?” Ruby asks, and as much as I want to bark out that I don’t need help, I do. I can’t even pull my own fucking underwear down.
“I’m going to try it on my own.”
I wince hard as soon as I slip the crutches under my arms. The pain radiates through the entire right side of my body and with this stupid makeshift cast on my wrist, I’m barely able to grip the handle on the crutches. But I don’t care. I want to be alone, and the bathroom is probably the only place I’m going to get that.
I hobble forward, taking at least a solid three minutes to get from the bed to the bathroom that is maybe ten feet away, with both Caleb and Ruby watching me like parents watching their baby take its first steps. It couldn’t be more mortifying.
When I finally make it into the bathroom, all I do is sit down on the toilet, my shorts still on, my stupid casted leg sticking straight out in front of me. I lean the crutches against the wall and fuck my life, but they slide right down and crash to the floor.
Instantly Ruby calls out, “Are you okay in there?” I imagine her and Caleb standing outside the bathroom, their ears pressed against the door, waiting for me to call out for help. This is my fucking life.
“I’m fine. The crutches fell,” I call out, swallowing back my pride.
“Do you want me to come in and help you?” Ruby now asks, making this even more mortifying than it already is.
“No.” It’s hard to keep the tears at bay, and the word comes out shaky as I’m already on the verge of bursting out crying. I hold it in a few seconds longer, the chaos of the situation finally wearing me down. My head falls to my knees and I give in and cry.
I don’t care if Ruby and Caleb can hear me. All I want is five seconds to sob, to wallow in the sadness and worry about Adam without someone asking me if I’m okay or telling me everything will be fine. I’m over unsolicited advice.
An hour later, Caleb and I are on our way to the orthopedic surgeon, which only took nearly ten minutes to get me out to the car. Add that to the list of embarrassing moments in my life. At one point I thought he was going to have to carry me again as I tried to navigate my way down the front steps, crutches, casts and all.
We’re silent, neither of us feeling the need to speak, my thoughts are loud enough on their own, but one is louder than all the rest.
Ask him. Ask him if he’s heard from Adam.
It floats around in my head, hanging on the tip of my tongue, just waiting to be said, but scared of what the answer might be. I can’t decide if hearing the answer as a no is worse than hearing a yes.
Yes means Adam is okay, but it also means he wants nothing to do with talking to me, and no means more added worry, more stress of wondering where he is and if he’s safe.
I swallow hard and steal up the courage to just ask it.
“Have you heard from Adam?” My voice doesn’t sound like my own. It’s missing the confidence it once had, now replaced by unease and a shakiness that seems to be permanent.
“He texted me yesterday, but he didn’t say much,” Caleb starts, pausing as he glances over at me. “There’s more going on here than just what happened with you, Mila.”
“How do you know that? Did he tell you that?” I ask, sounding incredibly desperate. My voice is high, and I swear I’m going to jump out of this car if I start crying again.
“Secrets eat at you. It’s not what happened that’s hard, it’s trying not to tell someone. Trust me, I would know,” he says, trying on a smile.
“Do you know what happened?” I ask him, my question vague and I have no idea if I’m asking about Adam or me, or Adam and me.
“I don’t know what happened with Adam, but no one moves around like he does if he isn’t trying to outrun something.” He shrugs. Caleb has always been aloof and unbothered by people’s need for privacy. He’s different from most people. He never tries to see what someone keeps hidden.
“How about me?”
“Nope, not you either. Ruby is good like that. She’s a secret keeper because what she keeps isn’t hers to tell.”
There is so much I thought I knew about Ruby, but I was wrong. She isn’t just my sister who I laugh and get drunk with. She is so much more that I never saw until she lay beside me in that hospital bed.
Caleb doesn’t ask me anything more and when I hobble out of the doctor’s office an hour later with a bright pink cast on my wrist and a boot on my leg, he smiles at me.
“Changed up the wardrobe, huh?” he jokes, hopping up from the chair in the waiting room and pulling the car keys from his pocket. “Hang on. I’ll go get the car.”
“Nah, that’s okay. Just walk next to me,” I say, the crutches thumping along in their weird rhythm that I’m finally getting used to.
“So, what’s the news?” Caleb asks when we’re out of the office and in the parking lot.
“Distal radius fracture in my wrist, six weeks in the cast and nondisplaced lateral malleolus fracture of the ankle,” I say, realizing I understood every word the doctor said about my busted bones.
Fucking anatomy lab and fucking Adam.
I’m not going to cry in front of Caleb. I’ll wait till I get home and hide in the bathroom.
“English?” Caleb teases.
“Broken wrist, broken ankle, none requiring surgery. Gotta wear the boot for six weeks too, but hopefully I’ll be able to walk on it in the next couple of weeks.”
“Hey, that’s not too bad.”
“Yeah, I guess if we’re looking at positive shit, it can be added to the list. It’s literally the only thing on the list, but hey.”
Charlie is there when I get back from my appointment and just when I think I’m finally done crying, I literally burst into tears when I see her.
“Mila,” she croons, throwing her arms around me, holding me up as I drop my crutches and hug her back. “Way to go out with a fucking bang on your twenty-first birthday. You really know how to burn the house down.”
“He’s gone,” I wail, finally feeling like I can let it all out with Charlie. She’s the only one I’ve shared small parts with and eventually, I’ll tell her everything. She knows the past; she knows how invested I was in my relationship with Adam, and she knows that sometimes I just can’t hold it together.
“It’s okay. We’ve been here before. Between the two of us we’ve survived a lot of shit and we’ll survive this.”
“My heart feels like it’s been ripped from my chest. It hurts so bad, and I just want to know he’s okay.”
I’m sobbing so hard at this point I’m certain she can’t understand a word I’m saying. She hands me my crutches when she pulls away and guides me over to the bed, telling me to sit down.
“Have you texted him? Have you asked him where he is or told him you’re worried about him?” All I can do is shake my head in response, the words unable to be formed. “He isn’t irrational, Mila. He’s hurting too.”
Charlie knows what happened at the hospital and even though I couldn’t call her, the tears falling too hard to speak, I texted her every detail, including when Adam walked out of the hospital without saying a word to me.
“Text him or call him. Fuck, just do something,” Charlie demands and for some reason, this time her words get through to me.
“Okay.” I sniff back the tears, wiping at my face, my phone sitting there on the nightstand waiting for me. “What do I even say?”
“Say exactly what you’re feeling. Tell him you’re scared and you miss him and you’re sorry and you need to know he’s all right. Just tell him to come home.”
I pick up my phone, opening the messages and there it is, the message I typed out to him already. All it says is, “I’m sorry”, nothing more, nothing less and it quite honestly says everything I’m feeling right now.
With my hand shaking, my chest still heaving with the remnant of tears, I hit send, begging for him to respond.
Chapter Eight
Adam
It’s afternoon by the time I get back to Hawthorn. After I hung up with Josh and texted Caleb, I sat in my car, staring out at the lake and trying to work out what the hell I was going to say to Mila. I must have eventually fallen asleep, but not before churning over every possible scenario that might happen when I finally see her.
I know I need to tell her why I freaked out and ran, but this is a story I’ve never told anyone.
And I’m fucking terrified about what she’s going to think when I tell her. Scared to death that I’ll no longer be enough for her anymore.
There are things about me she doesn’t know, things from my past that are big, that will probably change the way she looks at me and at us. I know she’s going to question what’s between us when she hears what I have to tell her, and I’m scared she’s going to think she’s somehow less important or doesn’t mean as much to me.
Which is so fucking far from the truth because she means everything to me.
After I woke up sometime around three in the morning, I started driving back immediately, only stopping for caffeine. Now I’m back, I’m strangely nervous, having no idea what to expect. As I park my car, I reach for my phone. I have three new messages that have come through while I was driving. From Caleb, my brother and Mila.
My heart stops in my chest when I see the notification of her text, but it fucking freefalls when I read what she’s written.
Mila: I’m sorry.
What the fuck does she have to be sorry for? I’m the one who should be apologizing, and the fact that Mila thinks she needs to just about breaks my heart.
