by Claire Raye
A tapping on my window startles me and I look up to see Caleb standing by the side of the car, a worried look on his face as he watches me. I didn’t tell him I was coming back; all I’d said in response to all of his text messages was I know. A shitty response and one that I didn’t believe anyway.
Exhaling, I release my seatbelt and open the door, getting out of the car.
“Hey,” Caleb says, offering me a smile.
“Hi.”
“You okay?” he asks, giving me a quick once over as though looking for injuries. It’s not like he’ll find them, all of them are on the inside.
“No,” I reply flatly. “How’s Mila?”
Caleb turns toward the house. “She’s okay,” he says, glancing at me, the look on his face telling me she’s far from okay. “Are you coming in?”
I shrug. “Do you…” I pause, swallowing hard. “Do you think she wants to see me?”
Caleb reaches over, his hand on my shoulder as he meets my gaze and says, “I know she does. Come inside, Adam. Just be with her and I promise things will be better.”
We walk up the driveway in silence, me trailing behind Caleb, my heart pounding in my chest with every step we take that brings me closer to seeing her. I have no fucking idea what’s going to happen when I do and it’s taking everything I have in me not to turn around and bolt.
But I can’t run from this anymore. I know that.
He opens the front door and when we walk inside, the house is quiet. Ruby and Charlie are in the living room, quietly chatting and Charlie jumps up when she sees me, rushing over and throwing her arms around me in a hug that I don’t reciprocate.
“I’m so glad you came,” she whispers, squeezing me. “She needs you.”
I nod, afraid to say anything in case I break down.
Charlie pulls back as Ruby walks over, smiling at me as she says, “She’s sleeping, but you should go in.”
I swallow hard, taking a deep breath as I try to stay calm. “Yeah?” I ask, my voice filled with doubt.
Ruby reaches over, her hand on my arm as she says, “Yes, I’m positive.”
I open the door to the room Mila is using as a bedroom. The blinds are half drawn, the late afternoon sun bathing the room in a soft light. A desk has been pushed against the far wall and in its place is a double bed.
And Mila.
She’s lying half on her back, half on her side, clearly uncomfortable because of the cast on her wrist and the boot on her leg. I can see cuts and bruises all over her right arm, a tiny cut on her right temple, and a bandage peeking out from under her t-shirt that has ridden up a little. She looks so fragile and broken that it breaks my heart all over again.
I’m almost scared to touch her. Scared of hurting her, scared she might wake up, scared that she might push me away when she does.
But I also can’t turn away. I miss her so badly and I need to touch her, need to be close to her. Kicking off my shoes, I gently climb onto the bed, lying down beside her, as close to her as I possibly can without waking her. I take her left hand in mine, lifting it to my lips as I press a kiss to her knuckles and the inside of her wrist.
She stirs a little, sighing as she turns toward me, but she doesn’t wake up. I just lie here and watch her sleep, my eyes drinking her in as though I haven’t seen her in weeks. It’s unbelievable how much I’ve missed her, how much that ache in my chest eases now that I’m back with her.
I blink my eyes open, the light in the room now fading as the sun slowly sets. I shuffle onto my side to find Mila awake and watching me. She blinks once, almost as though she’s trying to work out if I’m really here.
“Hi,” I whisper, my heart racing in my chest.
“Hi,” she whimpers, her eyes filling with tears as a soft sob escapes and she starts to cry.
“Baby,” I murmur, moving closer as I wrap my arm around her, my other arm slipping under her neck as I pull her close and hold her against me as much as I can with all her injuries. Mila cries against my chest, her body shaking, her fingers gripping my t-shirt tightly as loud sobs fall from her. I run my hand up and down her back, desperately trying to soothe her.
“I’m so sorry,” I whisper, kissing the top of her head. “So fucking sorry.”
Mila shakes her head, her face still buried against my chest as she cries. I hold her close, not knowing what to say, just letting her get it all out and wishing to fuck I could undo the last seventy-two hours.
Eventually she stops, a light shudder going through her as she lets go of my shirt, swiping her fingers across her cheeks as she pulls back.
We’re lying on our sides facing each other, our heads sharing a pillow, but we still somehow feel miles apart.
“Are you okay, do you need me to get you anything?”
Mila shakes her head, but I don’t know which question she’s answering.
I brush my thumb across her cheek, catching a tear. “I’m so sorry I left,” I whisper. “I’m so sorry I did that to you. I feel fucking awful.”
“No,” she says, her voice hoarse. “I’m sorry. I never wanted you to find out like that.”
Her tears start up again and it guts me as I lean closer, my lips kissing them away as they slide down her cheeks. “Please don’t cry, baby,” I whisper, kissing the corner of her mouth, my lips brushing over hers even if I have no idea if I’m allowed to do this anymore. “Please.”
“You must think I’m…” she trails off as she sobs, and I continue to kiss her tears away. “For what I did, for…” She trails off again as another sob falls from her lips.
Pulling back, I cup her face in my hands, my thumbs brushing her wet cheeks as I lean close and kiss her again. “Open your eyes, Mila,” I whisper.
She blinks them open, her lashes wet with tears as she looks back at me with those beautiful brown eyes that I so easily get lost in.
Taking a deep breath, I steel myself for what I’m about to say, for the truth I’m about to admit. For her reaction to my words. Three little words I should have said ages ago.
“I love you, Mila,” I whisper. “I love you so fucking much, and I’m terrified of losing you. Terrified I’ve fucked this up and you’re—”
My words are silenced by her mouth on mine as she kisses me hard and with a fierce determination. I groan, holding her close, my fingers sliding into her hair as I kiss her back, relishing this moment and the feeling of peace that now washes over me.
Her tongue traces my bottom lip, teasing me, tempting me as my lips part and the kiss deepens. Her fingers curl into the fabric of my t-shirt, pulling, tugging me closer to her as heat curls through me.
Eventually we pull back, my fingers brushing the last of her tears away. Mila gives me a small smile, turning her face into my hand as she presses a kiss to my palm.
“Are you okay?” I ask, tucking her hair behind her ear.
“I am now,” she whispers.
“Are you in much pain?” I ask, my eyes moving over her right side and all the injuries she has.
“A little,” she says with a shrug. “It’s more uncomfortable than anything. And I really want to take a shower.”
I nod. “What did the doctor say?” I ask, trying to ignore the guilt I feel that I wasn’t there for any of this. That I have no idea how serious her injuries are or what the long-term implications are.
Mila takes a deep breath, wincing a little before she slowly lets it out. “Broken wrist and ankle, but I don’t need surgery. Three broken ribs too, one of which punctured my lung. They put the tube in to drain fluid and stuff,” she says.
My eyes close for a second as my mind flashes back to the accident, to the moment of impact when the car hit us. The sound it made, and the way Mila’s body was violently flung about right in front of me.
“I wish I could take all of this away from you,” I whisper, opening my eyes. “I wish I’d been sitting on the other side of the car, that it was me who—”
“Shhh,” she says,
her fingers on my lips. “It’s not your fault and I’ll be okay. All of this will heal.”
I know what she says is true, but it doesn’t make this any easier to take. It’s so fucking unfair that she had to bear the brunt of all this. That she’s the one who’s broken and hurting. It should’ve been me, not her.
“Are you okay?” she whispers, her fingers slowly sliding off my lips.
I shake my head. “No,” I reply, my voice hoarse. “I fucking hate myself for what I did to you.”
Mila gives me a smile that’s filled with sympathy that I don’t deserve. “And I hate what you found out about me,” she whispers. “How you found out.”
“It’s not why I left,” I confess, my words barely a whisper in the quietness of her room. “I…I have so much I need to tell you, so much…” I trail off, having no fucking idea how to say any of it.
Mila brushes her lips against mine. “So do I,” she says. “But we don’t have to talk now.”
“I want to tell you,” I tell her, meaning it, despite how scared I am.
“So do I,” she replies.
I nod, knowing now is not the time or place for either of us to confess our secrets. “Are you staying here?” I ask, wondering how the hell I can possibly be back in Hawthorn and not see her, if Caleb would care if I also crash here, just so I can lie beside her each night.
Mila shakes her head. “Will you take me home?”
I lean in to kiss her again. “Yes, I can definitely do that.”
“Thank you.”
I pull back, shuffling to the end of the bed before standing. Leaning over, I help Mila, gently easing her up before slipping my arms beneath her knees and her shoulders. Standing, I hold her against me, relishing the feeling of having her in my arms again.
When we reach the door, Mila leans over to open it and we walk out. Just as we reach the living room, Caleb walks out of the kitchen, smiling when he sees us.
“Good timing,” he says. “Dinner’s ready.”
“I’m gonna take Mila home,” I say, feeling like an arsehole for suddenly reappearing, only to disappear again.
Caleb smiles at us, as though he’s okay with it. “Cool, stay and have something to eat first and then you guys can head home.”
I glance down at Mila in my arms, silently asking her what she wants to do. She reads my mind as she says, “We can eat first.”
“Okay,” I say, giving her a smile.
Caleb turns and walks back into the kitchen, leaving us alone again.
“Thank you,” Mila whispers, leaning up to kiss the side of my neck. My eyes close as she does, my heart flipping inside my chest when she puts her mouth to my ear and whispers, “I love you too.”
Chapter Nine
Mila
The table isn’t quiet like I expected it to be. I have no idea why I assumed there’d be silence, but I’m sure it’s based on the fact that for the last six months of my life I’ve felt silently judged by everyone who has walked by me. No one questions Adam on where he was for the last seventy-two hours, no one asks about what I shared with Ruby, and no one looks at either of us like we’ve massively fucked up.
It feels like family. It feels like this is where Adam and I belong.
There’s no judgement from any of them because they’ve all fought their own battles and still are. They support each other and they care about each other in ways that only they understand. I’ve always had Charlie, but now I have Adam and this small little family that has taken us both in.
Charlie left just a few minutes ago, heading back to our apartment to give Adam and me some time alone and to study for a test she has coming up. I asked her to stay, but she declined, almost like she knows how hard it is to recover from something like this.
“Thank you,” I say over the din of the side conversations and laughter that fills the room.
“Thank you for what?” Ruby asks, seeming genuinely confused by my comment.
“For everything you guys did for me. You set up your office with a bed. Who just goes out and buys a bed and has it at their house the next day?”
“Reid,” Sienna says, shrugging her shoulders. “He wanted you to have a place to sleep other than the couch and he also likes to use his truck for stupid shit like taking a mattress home the day he buys it.”
“I’ve always told you that truck is useful,” Reid quips causing Sie to roll her eyes. “She’s always trying to get me to sell it and get something more fuel-efficient. Can’t put a mattress in a Prius, can you?”
Sie looks over at him, annoyed, but their banter makes the table feel lighter.
“I know Charlie would have been there to help you at your place, but she has class, and she couldn’t put her life on hold any more than it already has been,” Ruby says, matter of factly. “There are four of us here and that means no changing of schedules to help out.”
She acts like it isn’t a big deal and maybe it’s not. Maybe for the past several years of my life I’ve just been so selfish. Never really putting anyone but myself first and it’s probably time I start. I’ve always looked out for Charlie and been her number one when she needed me, but when it came to Ruby, I looked at her as someone to buy me alcohol or party with. I never thought I could rely on her to be more than just my big sister, always worried she’d rat me out to our parents, so I kept her at arm’s length.
But maybe she also sees me differently now too. Less of a disaster and more of someone who had to make a decision alone and someone who kept a secret that ate away at her.
“Is it okay if I go home?” I ask, realizing it’s not just me who has had her life disrupted by this accident.
“Of course,” Caleb says, sounding completely confident in answering for the group. “Everyone feels more comfortable at home. You can still call us if you need anything. A ride to the doctor, books to pick up, whatever.”
I’ve never learned so much in such a short amount of time. I’ve spent the last three days with the most selfless people I’ve ever met. They will always put each other first, but they never feel like they’re lacking anything. They each fill the void they’re missing.
“Thank you,” I reply, wondering just how I can possibly repay them for the amount of compassion they’ve all shown me. I also need to talk to Ruby and thank her privately for not sharing my secret, even with Caleb.
I look over at Adam, a loose smile on his mouth, his shoulders relaxed, lacking the stress they carried all this time, and I can’t help but want to get home as soon as possible. He can’t keep his hands off me, touching me in subtle ways: his hand resting on my thigh, his fingers lacing with mine, running his hand over my hair.
I can still smell the hospital on me, a mix of iodine and rubbing alcohol, and the smell of sweat combined with deodorant. I’m desperate for a shower, but I can’t leave immediately after eating.
Caleb begins to clear the table and Adam jumps up to help, but Reid shoos us off to pack up the few things I have here at their house.
“Just go hobble your way back into the office. Sie and I will get everything packed up for you,” Ruby says, handing me my crutches that were leaning against the back of the couch behind the kitchen table. She follows me into the office, but Sienna stays to help the boys clean up.
I’m not sure if it was intentional or not, but it will give me a chance to thank Ruby for everything she’s done and to apologize to her for being an asshole sister for the better part of our lives.
She begins to gather up my laptop and my books, putting everything into my backpack as I close the door.
“Ruby,” I say, my voice hesitant, suddenly nervous to confess to her how sorry I am. In the hospital it was different, my life felt out of control and I felt helpless. It was a moment of pure, raw honesty, but now, it feels scary.
“Yeah, what’s up?”
“I’m sorry. I’m sorry for being a shitty sister and for not caring at all about anyone but myself. For years I’ve liv
ed my life as if I’m the only one that matters and now, you’re here doing all of this for me…”
“Oh, shut up,” she says, throwing a dismissive hand in my direction. “We all have growing up to do and you’re seeing that now. I never thought you were a shitty sister, a little reckless maybe, but never shitty. And truth be told, I was always a little jealous of the way you just lived your life not caring what anyone thought of you.”
“Yeah and look where that got me. It nearly ruined the only relationship that ever meant anything to me.”
“Learn from your choices and help other people,” she states, making it sound like it’s so easy. “We’re always looking for volunteers at the counseling center. Why don’t you come with me one day when you’re feeling better? The number of girls who come in there after having abortions or who are trying to decide what to do is more than you think. You aren’t alone. I think you could be a huge help to them.”
“I don’t regret my decision. I regret keeping it a secret from you,” I admit, realizing how helpful it might have been to have someone to share my story with. I had Charlie and she was amazing through it all, but my connection to Ruby is different.
“It’s okay. It really is. I understand why you did it, but I’m also glad that you had access to an abortion and were able to make the choice to put yourself first.”
“Why are you so annoyingly diplomatic?” I ask, sucking back the tears as I laugh a little.
“I don’t know but Caleb asks me the same thing on a regular basis.” She smirks at me, looking far too much like our mother, but now, I don’t even see that as a bad thing. She’s inherited some of the best parts about her.
“I hid behind my party girl persona, because growing up felt far too hard,” I quietly admit. “It was all a lie. I grew up the second I found out I was pregnant.” I fall quiet and Ruby sits down on the bed next to me. “Remember when I came to visit and I caught you sneaking out of Reid’s house after you spent the night with Caleb?”
“I didn’t spend the night with Caleb,” she chides, still completely bothered by my comment, rolling her eyes. I laugh, shaking my head. “Whatever. Fine when you slept on the couch next to Caleb.”
