by Claire Raye
“Yeah, it’s all good,” she says again, smiling up at me.
“Thanks, Charlie,” I reply, returning the smile.
She stands now, walking toward me. She stops in front of me, reaching her hand out to rest it on my arm. “Are you doing okay?”
I shrug, as I tell her, “Yeah, I’m okay.” Charlie doesn’t know the reasons why I disappeared, and she’s never asked. I’m not sure how I’d feel if she did, whether I could even bring myself to tell her. It was hard enough getting it out to Mila and I’m not sure how’d I go telling my story again.
She looks up at me, and I’m pretty sure she doesn’t believe me, but she doesn’t push it. “Okay, I’m gonna go get ready, I’ll see you this afternoon?”
“Yep, see you then. Good luck with the test.”
Charlie waves a hand as if to say, it’s no biggie, before she disappears into her room. Grabbing the two cups of coffee, I head back to Mila’s room to find she has fallen back to sleep, just as I’d hoped.
Putting the cups on the side table, I gently ease myself back into bed, careful not to wake her as I grab my book and lean back against the headboard.
“Hey,” I call out to Caleb as I walk into the bar later that afternoon.
He looks up from his desk, a smile on his face. “Hey, how are you?”
I shrug. “I’m okay,” I reply, because it’s the easiest answer I can give right now. “What do you need me to do?”
Even though it’s only been a week, it feels weird being back here. The last time I was here was the night of Mila’s surprise party, the night everything was so fucking good and the night everything went to shit afterward.
Caleb stands and walks around his desk until he’s standing in front of me. His face is awash with concern, making him look far older and wiser than he is.
“You sure?”
I shrug again. “Yeah, I’m fine,” I lie. “Just thinking about Mila, that’s all.”
“Do you want me to ask Ruby to go over?” he asks. “So she’s—”
I shake my head. “Charlie’s there,” I tell him. “We’ve worked out a schedule, so it’s all good.”
“Well, let us know if you need any help, okay? This isn’t all on you and we’re all here for both of you.”
I wish his words were true, but they’re not. Because this is on me, all of it. I might not have caused the accident that night, but the party we had was my idea. So was us leaving when we did, all because I couldn’t keep my hands off her and wanted to take her home. When the Uber arrived, I opened the door on that side of the car for her too and of course there’s what happened at the hospital afterward.
“Adam?”
I blink, shaking my head as I focus back on Caleb. “Yeah?”
“You sure you’re okay?” He asks me with the weight of knowing what it’s like to pretend you’re okay when you’re not. I know this, because even though I don’t know the full story about his past, I did see and hear about what it did to him. The way he fought to get through it too.
“Yeah,” I say, exhaling as I run a hand through my hair. “I’ll be okay.”
Caleb opens his mouth to say something else just as Liv walks in the back door. She smiles when she sees me, walking over to stand beside me, a hand on my arm as she says, “You’re back!”
“I’m back,” I reply with a nod, pulling my arm free as I say to Caleb, “I’ll get started on the re-stock,” before heading out to the bar.
Work is pretty quiet, which is good because I’m distracted by the fact that I’m away from Mila. I know Charlie is there and I know they are doing nothing more than studying in front of the TV, but I hate that I can’t be with her.
I’ve been texting her constantly, even though Caleb left a couple of hours ago to drop them off some dinner before heading home. He too had texted to say everything was fine, but I know that until I’m back there with her, I’m not going to be able to stop worrying.
“We ready to close up?” Liv asks, heading over to where I’m standing staring at my phone.
“Yeah, let’s do it,” I say, slipping my phone into my pocket.
Liv smiles and gives a call for last drinks before heading out to collect glasses. There are not many people left, and it doesn’t take us long to get through the clean-up and close up the bar.
After we’re done, we both head out to our cars and I wait for Liv to do her usual of asking if I want to hang out, but this time she doesn’t, as though she’s finally gotten the message that I’m not interested or available.
When I get home, I stop by my apartment to quickly take a shower so I don’t wake Charlie or Mila, before heading over to their place. Inside, the apartment is quiet, the TV is off and only a side lamp is on so I can see. I switch it off on my way to Mila’s bedroom.
“Hey,” she says, smiling up at me from where she lies on the bed as I walk in.
“Hey,” I reply, closing the door as I walk over to the bed. “You’re still awake?”
Mila tilts her head up to kiss me. “How was work?”
“It was fine, quiet. How are you?”
She smiles, her hand on my cheek. “I’m all good.”
“You take your meds?” I ask.
She shakes her head. “Didn’t need to tonight,” she replies. “Pain isn’t too bad.”
“You sure?” I ask, giving her a quick once over as I crawl into bed beside her.
Mila laughs, leaning her head on my bare shoulder as she presses her lips to my neck. “Yes, I’m sure. Were you this bossy when you were a nurse?”
I chuckle, grabbing her uncasted hand and holding it in both of mine. “No, I only save that for certain patients,” I tease, just as my phone chimes out with a text.
“Oh, is that right?” she replies, kissing my neck again. “Is that Josh?”
I pull my phone from the pocket of my sweats, knowing it has to be given the time. He’s been texting me every night since we last spoke to check how things are going and whether I told Mila everything that happened. Constantly reminding me that none of it was my fault back then either.
“Yep,” I say, opening up the text message.
Josh: emailed you my flight details, see you soon bro!!!
“Shit,” I breathe out.
“What is it?” Mila asks, leaning over to look at my phone. “Oh, he’s finally coming over?”
I glance down at her. “Looks like it, yeah.”
Mila smiles against my shoulder, gently biting my skin as she says, “Maybe he’ll be someone Charlie can play with?”
“What?” I say, laughing.
Mila looks up at me, a smile on her face as she says, “Yeah, you know, someone she can have fun with while you spend your days nursing me back to health.”
She’s only teasing me, but somehow it still hurts to hear. But I don’t let her see that, smiling as I lean down to kiss her and say, “Now that could be interesting.”
Chapter Thirteen
Mila
Ruby had called me yesterday to see if I would be interested in going to the counseling center with her, knowing I’m pretty much stuck at home. I didn’t answer her right away, curious if I would meet someone who has gone through what I have, but eventually I agreed, bored of being stuck in the house. But in a way I’m interested in how I could possibly help people like me.
I had Charlie drop me off, helping me out of the car and she waited while I made my way to the front door. I waved her off several times, until she eventually put down the window and told me she was waiting for Ruby to arrive. Had I known that I wouldn’t have bothered getting out of the car. Annoyed by the constant supervision and feeling like a child, I’m grateful when Ruby walks up seconds later.
I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t strangely nervous, a mix of fear and concern and worry all melding together to remind me that my story hasn’t been fully told. There’s still a lot of secrets, things I hold far too close, making me realize it’s hard to mov
e on. And I’m about to walk into a place where people confess their biggest secrets.
When I put it that way it makes it sound like a Catholic church and I am anything but religious. This isn’t a Catholic church and it’s certainly not a place I would be welcomed anyway. At least here, everyone is equally fucked up and worrying about judgement. I just don’t see how any of this is going to help me, but I’m willing to stick it out if it helps someone else.
I’ve tried to live a normal life since everything happened, returning to school and doing what all college kids do, but the parties and the drinking don’t hold the appeal they once did. Really all they do is make me realize I’m going through the motions, attempting to mask my anxiety by faking that everything is normal. It feels over the top and draining.
“You okay?” Ruby asks, as she walks up, a concerned look on her face. “Don’t be nervous, seriously. You don’t even have to say anything. I’m just bringing you in for a training session anyway. This isn’t about you, remember?” she adds, smiling sweetly in the hopes that it calms me down.
It doesn’t.
She walks me in the front door while I’m on my crutches and slips behind the desk, opening a file cabinet before pulling out a few papers. She grabs a pen and sets them down in front of me. I know what they are, she doesn’t need to explain them to me, but I know she will.
People come in here under the condition of anonymity and privacy. What they tell the counselors can be deeply personal and no one wants it to get out. I know the feeling well.
“These are just a few things you need to fill out. The first one is emergency contact information, basically who we can call if something were to happen to you while volunteering here. The next is your contact information and the last one is the NDA. Everyone who volunteers or works here signs one,” Ruby explains.
“Is it hard not to talk about the things that you hear while you’re here?” I ask, genuinely curious and wondering if she’s told Caleb things.
“No, not at all. As you get to know these people, you realize all they want is someone to listen to them and hold their deepest secrets and fears as close as they hold them.”
“You’ve never told Caleb?” I now press, thinking there’s no way she hasn’t spilled anything to him.
“Nope, at least nothing in detail,” she says, and there’s something about her diplomacy and her ability to empathize that I long to create in my own life.
I sign the papers, wanting to ask her how she carries so many secrets when I can barely carry my own, but I stay quiet.
“And just so you know, the person we are meeting with can decline to have you sit in on their session. Don’t be offended if that happens. Some people have trouble trusting, but I don’t think it will happen today,” Ruby adds in, again smiling. “I’ve been meeting with her for a while now and that’s why I asked you to come.”
Ruby asks me to wait in one of the empty rooms while she once again verifies that it’s okay that I join. She’s checking with the girl we’re about to meet with, explaining that sometimes they do change their mind. She doesn’t need to explain this to me. If anyone understands changing your mind, it’s me.
It feels like forever that Ruby is gone, but somehow it feels like only seconds too. My leg without the boot bounces when I sit down in a chair and when I can’t handle that any longer, I hoist myself up with my crutches.
I have no idea why I’m nervous. I guess because if someone finds out how fucked up I am, they’re certainly going to wonder how the hell I can possibly help them.
I’m just beginning to pick my cuticles bloody when Ruby opens the door and calls to me to follow her with a scoop of her hand. She doesn’t say much, smiling at me over my shoulder as I hobble after her.
“I really think meeting Madison will help you,” she says, and I scrunch my face up, confused by her comment. I’m pretty sure I’m here to help this girl out, not the other way around.
Ruby opens the door and in the room is a girl about my age with long dark hair, honey-colored brown eyes and a bright smile. She’s standing a few feet into the room and there’s not a single nervous vibe coming off of her.
This is not what I was expecting.
“Hi, you must be Mila,” she says, holding out a hand to me, an air of confidence surrounding her that I wish were contagious.
It’s horrible of me, but I seriously figured this person would be a shaking, meek and quiet mess, cowering in a chair. I’ve been completely proven wrong and I should hate myself for judging this girl the way I worry people will judge me and my decision.
I worry about assumptions and predisposed ideas, yet here I am doing the same damn thing. Maybe Ruby was right about this girl helping me.
“I’m Madison. Ruby told me you’d be joining us today,” The girl says introducing herself.
“Well, I’ve heard nothing about you because Ruby obviously isn’t supposed to talk about you,” I spit out, awkward and stupidly.
I hear Ruby laugh under her breath and when I look over my shoulder, her eyes are closed and she’s shaking her head.
“Sorry, Mila might need a little time to get used to this whole thing,” Ruby jokes, sitting down across from Madison. I’m the only one left standing with my crutches under my arms, like the fool that I am, and I move to sit down in the chair next to Ruby.
The room is also different than I expected it to be with its oversized chairs and muted wall color. It’s much less sterile and far more welcoming, and I guess that’s probably what they were going for or no one would want to come in here.
“Your sister said you’re going to school to be a nurse,” Madison opens, keeping things surface level and easy.
“Yeah, I transferred here from SNU in Lake Tahoe this semester and finally chose my major,” I reply, feeling a little relieved that the conversation didn’t jump immediately into this girl’s issues, but wondering what else Ruby shared,
“I transferred last year. Hawthorn is nice,” she says, continuing to make small talk.
“Where did you transfer from?” I ask, as Ruby watches on, not joining in.
Strangely it feels like I’m on a date or something as we get to know each other. I can’t imagine this is how a therapist works or maybe it does. To me it feels like it would be easier to open up to someone when they know nothing about you.
“I was at ASU. Huge campus, a little overwhelming. Hawthorn is big enough that I’m not overwhelmed and small enough that I feel safe.” She stops, pausing as she looks over at Ruby.
A silence falls over the room, and I wait for Ruby to say something, to get things going, even though I don’t even know how this works.
“I was date raped at a party at ASU and that’s why I transferred,” Madison suddenly says, and I try my best not to let the surprise paint itself across my face. “I found out I was pregnant a few weeks later…”
This is where I can’t hide the shock, my head whipping over to look at Ruby as she shrugs and shakes her head, signaling to me that she didn’t tell Madison about my past.
But I know this is why she wanted me to meet Madison.
I feel my body sag with relief, a sudden weight being lifted off of me when I realize Ruby didn’t say anything, but I now know she’s waiting for me to.
Ruby knows. Without me ever telling her she knows and it’s time I admitted it to myself too. While Ruby and I have never been the type of sisters to share everything, it’s obvious that she’s noticed the change in me because she’s always been more observant. I’m not hiding it as well as I thought I once was. Maybe it’s because of the accident, maybe it’s the thought of losing the people I’ve grown close to, but I’m tired of keeping secrets from everyone, including myself.
“Did you…” I start to ask, trailing off when I get to the word, worried that saying it out loud might make her uncomfortable.
“Have an abortion?” she says, finishing my thought. “I did and I don’t regret it. I applaud the
women who make the hard decision to and I also applaud the ones who take an equally difficult path and decide to have the baby. There’s no judgment in people’s choices. Or at least there shouldn’t be.”
Again, I find myself looking over at Ruby, waiting for some signal from her or for her to lead the conversation back to something that isn’t pointing straight at me.
“It took me a year to admit it was date rape,” Madison now says. “It’s taken a hell of a lot longer to admit to myself that it wasn’t my fault.”
I feel everything she says in my soul, my heart aching with every word and I wish I knew the right thing to say. But then I realize, maybe this is what this is about, just letting someone talk, not needing to give advice or share an experience, but to just listen.
“Madison and I have been meeting weekly, sometimes more for the last year,” Ruby shares, again with her smile. It’s a comfort to see it, and there’s something about it that brings me peace and helps my worries subside.
“Basically, I just call her up when I’m having a shitty day or whatever. I have a real therapist, but talking with Ruby is different,” Madison says, giggling a little. “I guess I shouldn’t say Ruby isn’t a real therapist, because she’s done more for me in the last year than anyone else.”
“I’m not a real therapist. I’m a student volunteer,” Ruby humbly adds. “We’ve become friends over the last year and now each share our struggles and our celebrations.”
“She’s being generous when she says we share. I’m pretty sure I dominate our conversations,” Madison now jokes, making Ruby laugh a little and she rolls her eyes at the comment.
“You’re supposed to dominate the conversations,” Ruby pokes back. “That’s kinda the point of this whole thing.”
“It was your sister who helped me realize that I wasn’t to blame for anything that happened to me,” Madison says, looking at me now. “That drinking at a party, that smoking weed, that wearing a short skirt, that going upstairs with someone doesn’t mean I deserved to be raped.”
