by Claire Raye
Again, her words cut deep like a knife straight into my heart. I swallow hard, pushing back the tears I feel threatening. I look over at Ruby, wondering how she can take in everything these people tell her and not fall apart. I’m only thirty minutes in and I feel like a complete train wreck.
“He was on the football team and I woke up next to him naked and confused, he looked at me like I was just an accomplishment he could add to his list,” she shrugs. “He laughed at me when I told him I was pregnant. I lost friends over it. I was kicked out of my sorority because of it,” she says, her words just as loud and firm as they were when I first walked in here. “It took me a year to admit it was rape, eight months for me to say it out loud, to admit it to someone other than Ruby, and six months for me to tell my parents.”
I feel the tears slip down my cheeks and I close my eyes, willing them to stop, but they don’t. I can’t sit here and listen to her story and not be affected by it, to not feel everything she feels.
“Me too,” I finally hear myself say.
I wait for the gasp from Ruby. I wait for Madison to say something, but all I feel are Ruby’s arms close around me, and I’m back in that hospital room where I admitted everything to her, leaving out the part that caused me more shame than anything.
Chapter Fourteen
Adam
It feels weird Mila not being here and despite my best intentions, I can’t seem to stop worrying about how she is or what she’s doing or if she’s okay.
Which all seems kinda ironic given the fact I so easily bailed on her right when she needed me the most.
I know she’s with Ruby though and I know she’s likely okay, but it doesn’t stop me from constantly thinking about her or wanting to text and see if she’s alright. For some reason I just have a bad feeling about today, even if I’m sure it’s because it’s the first time she’s left the apartment without me.
The past week has been quiet, Charlie and I finding an easy routine that means one of us is always at home with Mila. I’ve gone back to work and while I thought it would keep me busy and my mind off everything that’s happened, all it’s really done is make me worry even more.
And now I have my brother arriving in a week and I know he’s going to want to go and do shit, but there’s no way I can do that and leave Mila alone.
So right now, everything just feels fucked again.
The front door opens, and I immediately turn, hoping it’s Mila finally back home. Instead, it’s Charlie who walks through, closing the door behind her as she looks in my direction. Evidently my disappointment is written all over my face.
“Sorry, not her,” she says with a wry smile in my direction.
“Don’t,” I say, holding a hand up. “I’m being an idiot.”
Charlie laughs as she walks into the living room, flopping onto the couch across from me. “No, you’re not,” she says. “You’re just being a really good boyfriend.”
I roll my eyes as I look over at her, wondering how the hell she can actually say that about me. I’m pretty sure she still doesn’t know the reasons for why I left the hospital and it’s not like I’m going to bring it up, but the fact she doesn’t think I’m a piece of shit still surprises me.
“Stop beating yourself up, Adam,” Charlie says, reading my mind as she looks right at me. “We all make mistakes and contrary to Mila’s midnight shouts, you are only human.”
“What?” I ask, confused.
Charlie throws her head back, her hands on her throat as she moans, “Oh god, Adam, oh god, oh god.”
Her impersonation of Mila’s moans makes me laugh, despite my frustration, which I’m guessing is exactly why she did it. “Christ, my brother is going to love you.”
She smirks at me now. “And when is he coming to visit again?”
I let out a long exhale, wondering just how the fuck I’m going to manage entertaining my brother and looking after Mila and working at the bar. “Next week,” I tell her.
Charlie nods, tapping her fingers against her bottom lip. “You know you can go and do stuff with him, don’t you?” she starts. “I mean you don’t have to spend all your free time with Mila.”
I raise a brow, a look on my face that I’m sure screams, seriously?
Charlie laughs. “Yes, seriously, Adam. We’re all here to help her and I know you want to be, you know, all loving and perfect or whatever,” she says, waving her hand around. “But you don’t have to do everything. We’ve got this, seriously.”
I shake my head, shoving a rough hand through my hair as I let out another deep breath. “I know you do,” I admit. “And I’m seriously grateful for the fact you are here to help out, but I…I just…”
“Somehow feel responsible,” Charlie suggests in a way that makes me wonder if maybe she does know about my past.
I shrug. “Something like that,” I tell her, even though what I actually feel is much worse.
Charlie stands and walks toward me, stopping a foot away with her hands on her hips as she stares down at me. “Well don’t,” she says, kicking my foot. “None of this is your fault and you really need to stop thinking it is.” I look up at her, ready to tell her she’s wrong, but she keeps talking. “I don’t know what happened to you, Adam. I don’t know why you left that night, but it doesn’t matter, because in the end you came back. You came back and you have been everything Mila has needed.”
“I’m not so sure about that,” I mumble.
“Look,” she says with a sigh. “We all have our secrets, I’m no different, but you can choose to let them define you or you can choose to get the fuck over it and get on with things.”
I let out a laugh, her words surprising me, especially considering they come from this tiny little thing who couldn’t say boo to a ghost. How the fuck can this girl have secrets or shit to get over?
“Are you laughing at me?” she now asks, her foot tapping on the floor even though she’s smiling.
I push up off the couch, chuckling a little as I throw an arm around her shoulder and pull her against me in a half hug. “Maybe,” I tell her. “But it’s in a good way.”
“Hmmm,” she says, crossing her arms over her chest as she looks up at me. “Well as long as it gives you the kick in the ass that’s required, I’ll let it slide. Now, in the meantime, let’s talk plans for you to do with your brother,” she adds, reaching for her bag on the floor as she grabs her laptop.
I watch as she walks to the table and puts it down before opening it up. Walking over, I squeeze her shoulder as I lean in to press a kiss to the top of her head. “Thanks, Charlie,” I murmur. “You are a really good friend to Mila, you know that?”
Charlie smirks up at me as she slaps a hand against my stomach. “Your friend too, dumbass,” she says. “Now tell me, is your brother afraid of heights?”
When I look over to the webpage she’s opened, I feel myself really smiling for the first time in a long time. “No way, he’ll love this,” I tell her, wondering if maybe Josh might like it even more if it’s Charlie going with him instead of me.
Mila still wasn’t home by the time I head into work and it took everything I had in me not to call in sick and stay home to wait for her.
In the end I don’t though, knowing the so-called arse kicking Charlie had given me earlier was meant to reassure me that I didn’t have to do everything. Still, it hasn’t stopped me from texting Mila to see how she is and how things had gone visiting the counseling center with her sister.
She doesn’t respond though, which I chalk up to her being busy, but the longer my shift goes on with nothing from her, the more I am starting to worry.
Me: Mila’s home right? And she’s ok?
Charlie: Yeah, got back an hour ago. She’s ok, resting in her room. Why?
I don’t respond, slipping my phone into my pocket as I move to serve a customer, wishing to fuck my shift would hurry up and be over so I could get home to her.
“Hey, Adam,
” Reid’s friend Matt says with a grin. “How’s things? Been a while since I saw you, it was Mila’s party, right?”
I nod, swallowing hard. “Yeah, think so.” I’m not sure if he knows what happened that night. From memory he was still here when Mila and I left but that doesn’t mean he won’t know. He and Reid are friends, they play football together and this town is small enough anyway that news travels fast.
Matt nods, the smile still on his face as he says, “I’ll grab two beers, thanks,” gesturing to one of the taps.
I grab a couple of glasses and start to pour his beers, wondering what the fuck I’m supposed to say to him. Everything suddenly feels weird and awkward as I internally analyze every fucking look he gives me, trying to work out what he knows.
“Can I get you anything else?” I ask, sliding the glasses toward him as he holds out a twenty.
“Nope,” he says, shaking his head.
I turn around to the register, grabbing his change before handing it to him. I feel like a dick for the way I’m acting, but I can’t seem to make myself stop.
“Thanks,” he says, throwing a couple of bills on the bar top. “Oh and hey, how are things with Mila, I heard there was an accident or something?”
I feel my stomach sink, my whole body deflating with the realization that he does know and he’s probably judging me for it too. “Yeah, there was,” I say, my voice flat. “She’s okay, I mean, banged up and stuff, but she’s getting better.”
Matt raps his knuckles once on the top of the bar. “Damn, that sucks, such a shitty thing to happen on her birthday too. Anyway, hope she’s okay, say hi to her.”
He turns away before I can even respond but given the way his words have made me feel, that’s probably not a bad thing. Turning to Liv, I let her know that I’m going to take a break before heading back to the office.
Inside, I sink into the couch Caleb has alongside the far wall, pulling my phone from my pocket and typing out another message to Mila, trying to keep it casual and not like I’m checking up on her.
Me: hey, just checking in…hope you’re ok and not too tired after today. Can I bring anything home for you?
The bubbles pop up to let me know she’s typing out a response and I find myself holding my breath, waiting for it to appear on my screen.
Mila: it was fine…I’m good, thanks.
I shove a hand through my hair, gripping the back of my neck as I try to process Mila’s response. It feels off, distant and kinda cold and of course immediately has me reading more into it than I should. My thumb hovers over the call button, wanting to ring her so I can actually hear her voice when I ask her if she’s okay. But at the same time, I’m too scared to. Scared of what I might hear when I do.
Me: ok…I’ll be home in an hour or so. Love you x
She doesn’t respond right away, the screen staying empty as I continue to stare at it, willing her to just say something. Eventually, I stand, knowing I have to get back to work before I do something stupid like walk out the door and go home just to check she’s really okay. Just as I’m walking out to the bar though, my phone vibrates in my hand and when I glance down, I exhale, all of the air leaving my lungs in a rush as my eyes scan her message
Mila: love u too.
Then before I can over analyze this shit anymore, I slip my phone back into my pocket and get back to work.
When I get home, I don’t bother going to my apartment for a shower, instead heading straight inside to see Mila. Their apartment is in darkness, but I can see a sliver of light beneath the door of her bedroom.
I open it quietly and find her lying in bed, her eyes closed, even though the side lamp is still on. Exhaling, I close the door and take a quick shower at her place before heading back to her room with a towel wrapped around my waist.
This time when I open the door, Mila is awake, still lying on her side as she watches me walk into the room.
“Hey,” I say quietly, giving her a smile as I walk toward the bed.
“Hi,” she replies, her voice flat. I lean down to kiss her, holding my breath as I wait to see how she’ll respond. But she rolls toward me, brushing her lips against mine, before she asks, “How was work?”
I shrug, dropping the towel as I reach for some boxers to pull on. “It was fine. How was your day? Did everything go okay at the center?” Mila rolls onto her back now, her eyes on the ceiling as she chews on her bottom lip. I move toward her, sliding into bed and rolling onto my side to face her. “Mila?” I ask, taking her uncast hand in mine.
She lets out a long, slow breath, her eyes still on the ceiling as she says, “It was…hard. Harder than I expected.”
Lifting her hand to my mouth, I press a kiss to her knuckles. “You wanna talk about it?”
Mila shakes her head as she continues to stare straight ahead.
The worry churns inside me, my stomach twisting in knots and I have to bite my tongue just so I don’t beg her to tell me what happened, what’s going on with her right now. I know she has secrets, more to tell me about what happened in her past and what was said at the hospital and even though I told her I’m totally okay with not knowing the details, right now, I’m struggling. My mind is in overdrive with what it could be, with what she saw or what happened today and what that has to do with her past and all the things she isn’t telling me.
But I force myself to take a deep breath as I let go of her hand and slide my arm across her waist. “Are you okay?” I whisper.
Mila finally turns, her eyes meeting mine as we lie side by side on her bed. She nods, but it’s without conviction and I can tell when she says, “It was just harder than I thought,” that she’s far from okay right now.
I lean in and press my lips against hers. “I’m sorry,” I whisper, our mouths close. “I’m here if you wanna talk, okay?”
She nods now, giving me another quick kiss before she turns away, reaching over to switch off the light.
As the room plunges into darkness, I fall onto my back, mirroring Mila’s pose as we both lie in silence, side by side and staring up at the ceiling. Our bodies close but suddenly feeling like a million miles lies between us.
Chapter Fifteen
Mila
I hate the silence that passes between us. I hate the way I feel right now and the way I know Adam is feeling. My body doesn’t feel like my own, foreign and lost in what I admitted to Ruby and Madison without fully admitting it. And as exhausted as I am, my brain can’t seem to settle.
I need to tell him. I need to say it all out loud, but the words don’t want to come out. I want to tell him this isn’t his fault, that he isn’t the reason I’m lying next to him in silence, but the only thing that comes are the tears. Everything that was said today replays in my head, including the two words I uttered that held so much.
Me too.
I pull the sheet up to my face, pushing it against my eyes, willing them to stop the flood of tears that I know will only stay quiet for so long. Adam isn’t sleeping next to me; he’s as wide awake as I am, processing what the hell is going on between us and if he hears me, it’s all over.
I feel the warmth of his hand slide across my hip and stop to rest on my stomach. There’s so much comfort in his touch, comfort I never thought I’d feel again after what happened in Tahoe. I never thought I’d trust a man’s hands on my body, but with Adam it’s different. I feel safe and protected, I feel loved as if nothing can ever hurt me again. But with all of this comes the uncertainty of what telling him my story means.
I still feel like damaged goods.
My breathing goes ragged and my stomach shudders under his hand, shaking with the sob I’m holding back.
“Mila,” he whispers desperately into the darkness. I can hear the fear clinging to my name as it falls from his lips. He’s confused and hurt; he aches with knowing what has changed between us.
Nothing has changed, but still, everything has.
I roll over so my face
is pressing against his bare chest and there’s no way he can’t feel the tears. His arm closes around me, pulling me closer, his hand gripping the back of my neck.
“Mila, baby, talk to me. Did something happen with Ruby today?” His words are measured and quiet, carefully said as not to upset the balance that is teetering dangerously close to the edge.
I nod, my head moving against him in the dark, my cheek brushing along his chest in response. Something did happen at the counseling center with Ruby and the weight of Madison’s story is practically crushing me. The similarities are so eerily similar, almost my exact story that it makes me wonder if Ruby knew what had happened to me. It was like her way of getting me to admit what happened without having to ask. She knew hearing Madison’s story would help me see the reality of mine.
I know the reality of what happened to me. I lived it, but that doesn’t mean I don’t struggle with my role in it. It doesn’t mean that I don’t question whether what happened was because of my own poor choices.
I got high.
I got drunk.
I got raped.
I said no. I heard the words leave my mouth. I said it once, twice, three times; each time the word got softer and softer until eventually it disappeared. The word and any semblance of myself was lost in that room on that night and I’ve spent the last several months pretending to be who I once was.
“It’s just…” I start to say, wondering just how far I should take this conversation. Neither one of us has ever really been truly honest with the other. We’ve danced around our damaged pasts, we used them as a backdrop thinking what was between us would never materialize into the relationship it has now become.
He ran when things got too real, when our current life began to mimic his past, and while I don’t hold that against him, I can’t help but think that what happened to me might make him do the same thing again.
