by Claire Raye
I want to hunt the arsehole down and kill him, make him pay for what he did to Mila and for all the things he got away with. But I know that’s not possible and as much as it angers me to know he will likely never go to jail for this, both Mila and her lawyer assure me this doesn’t mean he won’t pay a price.
Afterward, Mila and I head out to the car in silence, the sun low in the sky because the day is almost over. Once again, Mila drives, but in the opposite direction to her parents’ house this time, taking us out toward the lake.
As she pulls into the carpark I once sat in, I gaze out at the lake, my mind going back to that day; to the accident and walking out on Mila as she lay in hospital, to eventually going back to her and all the struggles she went through with her injuries. At the time, I’d thought things couldn’t get any worse.
How fucking wrong I was to think that.
“Do you want to talk about Australia?” Mila asks, her voice quiet as she turns in her seat to face me.
I stare out at the lake, trying to process all of the things we’ve been through, both separately and together. I do want to tell her about going back there, about what happened and what’s changed. But it feels like now is not the time for that conversation. Not after today.
So instead, I answer her with, “I’ve been here before.”
“What?” she asks, and I can hear the confusion in her voice.
“Here, the lake,” I say, pointing outside.
“You have? When?”
I turn my head on the seat to face her. “When I left,” I whisper.
“Oh, Adam…” she says, an ache in her voice.
“I’m so fucking proud of you, Mila,” I continue. “So fucking proud of what you did today, what you’ve been dealing with for all this time. For everything.” I watch as her eyes start to glisten with unshed tears and I want to reach for her, pull her close to me and never let her go, but I keep going, needing to get this all out. “You asked me last night if what happened changes the way I feel about you?” Mila nods, but says nothing. “It does,” I say, giving her a small smile, “because it’s impossible for it not to. But that change…when I look at you, Mila, when I think about everything you went through, about what you mean to me and what I feel for you, the only thing I feel is so damn lucky to have the bravest, most courageous woman I’ve ever met.”
“Adam,” she says again, my name a whisper on her lips. “I…I just…I don’t want you to see me as broken, or damaged, or—”
“Mila, baby,” I say, reaching over to cup her jaw. “I definitely don’t see that.”
“No?” she asks.
“No,” I say, shaking my head. “When I look at you, all I see is my forever.”
Mila scrambles across the console now, as she climbs into my lap, throwing her arms around my neck and pressing her lips against mine in a hard kiss. “I love you,” she breathes out.
“I love you too,” I whisper. “So fucking much.”
Chapter Thirty-Three
Mila
It’s hard returning to Hawthorn with no real closure, but it’s been a week since I left, and I can’t stay gone any longer. My classes are waiting for me, my life in Hawthorn with Adam is waiting. My lawyer had said it could take as little as a couple of weeks to hear back or as long as months, possibly years if it should go to trial. I’m not sure I’m ready for a trial, but is anyone ever ready to have their life exposed like that?
When I met with my lawyer, I thought it would be all about what happened to me, the big details, the little details and everything in between, but what I never expected was how deep it would go into my personal life. He didn’t just need to know how I met the guy or what happened that night, he needed to know everything that happened that could possibly be used against me should it go to trial. But it’s not just the trial, these kinds of things come up in settlement offers and news stories and gossip. Every person involved is trying to prove you’re a liar, and so that’s why my lawyer is now privy to the number of people I’ve slept with, how long I’ve been on birth control, the date of my abortion, how many times a week I do recreational drugs or drink, if I’ve ever had an STD, how many times I’ve gone home with a guy. I had to turn over the contents of my phone, along with voicemails and text messages. The list is pretty much endless.
He spent hours trying to punch holes in my remembrance of the events. I’ve stopped calling it a story because it’s no longer that. It’s my reality. It really happened whether anyone believes me or not.
“You okay?” Adam asks, his words quiet in the confined space of the car as we pull into the apartment complex.
I left my car in Tahoe, leaving it with Charlie so she could drive back later since she wasn’t ready to leave yet. I’m not certain I would have been able to drive myself back anyway. My whole life feels hazy and heavy, and over the last week I have trouble remembering how I got from one place to another, as if my life is now on autopilot.
After the deposition and meeting with the police and retrieving my sexual assault kit analysis from the hospital, I felt vindicated and alive and like I could take on the world, but that faded far too quickly and I’m back to feeling confused and questioning if what I did was right.
I could’ve just gone on living my life as if this never happened. I could meet with Liz and sort through my trauma on my own, leaving my attacker to live his life. But everything about that feels wrong too.
“I am,” I say, a delayed response to Adam’s simple question, but then I shake my head. “No, I’m not, but I will be.” It’s what I need to start saying. Saying I’m fine or I’m okay is clearly a lie, an auto-response so I don’t make the people around me uncomfortable.
Adam reaches over, taking my hand in his, lacing his fingers through mine, he brings our joined hands to his mouth, kissing each one of my fingers.
“You’ll have good days and bad days,” Adam says. “Just when you finally think you’re over it, it will all come crashing back, knocking you on your arse.” He stops for a second, looking over at me and he wets his lips, letting out a defeated sigh. “I know what I went through isn’t the same thing, but…” Again, he stops, trailing off.
“Trauma is trauma,” I tell him, grateful we found each other throughout all this shit. He understands, he doesn’t judge me when I struggle to make sense of my life, and the same goes for me. He will always have me, and we will always understand each other.
Adam puts the car in park, and we sit for a few seconds, the silence isn’t awkward but more needed. We’re about to return to our normal lives and everything about that feels scary, like we’re trying to forget what happened. But it isn’t that at all. I guess it feels more like everyone around us gets to forget, but we don’t. The difference this time is we’re now holding the weight of each other’s secrets; we aren’t struggling alone anymore.
“I have someone I want you to meet,” I suddenly say, and Adam turns to look at me, smiling a little, but also a mask of confusion. “Sorry, for some reason I was just sitting here thinking about her and how without her help I never would’ve gotten to this point.”
“Okay,” Adam says, now even more confused. I’ve never once mentioned Madison to him or really how Ruby was involved in any of this. I kept it all to myself. He does know I’ve been seeing a therapist, but that’s it. These are all things that got left out when I finally came clean about what had happened to me.
“But first I want to talk about how things went back in Australia,” I say, and I watch Adam’s face, his eyes closing momentarily, and he lets out a hard sigh.
“Honestly, it was fucking horrible,” he says, coming right out with it and it finally feels real. “I just wanted you there.”
I wish I knew how to respond. I wish I knew what to say to make him feel like his life isn’t falling apart, again. This is something that we’ll continue to go through, maybe at the same time, maybe at different times, but always together.
“You know
I see a therapist,” I remind him. “It might be something you want to consider too.” I put it out there, remembering how long it took Ruby to get Caleb to start seeing Liz, but she never gave up. It took me a long time to admit I needed help too.
“It’s probably something I need,” he says, nodding slightly. “When did you start going?” he now asks; it’s simple and curious. “I’ll go with you if you ever want me to.”
“I would love you to, but right now, I’m going to go it alone for a bit. Just like you’ll need to do it on your own too.”
“I want to tell you about Rachel and our life and our baby, but I don’t want you to think I’m trying to recreate that with you or that I want you to be anything like her,” he openly admits, looking down at our joined hands.
“I want you to tell me about her. I don’t ever want you to forget her because she was an important part of your life. When you’re ready, I’ll be here.”
“Thank you.”
Again, the silence falls over the car, our reconnection in Tahoe brought us closer than I ever thought possible, but we’re still struggling with the honesty of it all, the worries and the fears that something will change, but deep within us, we both know that’s not true.
“I want to tell you I love you a million times a day, but it’s starting to feel really cheesy,” I say, giggling a little.
“I know. We’re like that really annoying couple who keep saying it over and over and making everyone around them uncomfortable. But you know what? I don’t care.” Adam laughs, reaching over and slipping his hand to the back of my neck and pulling me closer. As soon as his lips touch mine, it’s like everything melts away.
We are connected by our unconnected pasts, needing each other to heal.
An hour later, we’re back in the car and heading to meet up with Madison. I want Adam to meet the person who helped me realize I wasn’t alone in all of this. All it took was listening to her that one time at the counseling center with Ruby to find someone who had been through what I had. It was like Ruby knew what I was hiding and hearing someone else say it out loud was my wake-up call. Without Madison I would still be silent.
“Where are we going?” Adam asks, and I realize I didn’t really tell him anything. Not because I was scared, but more because I didn’t want him to think he didn’t have a place or a reason to be there.
“We’re going to an assault survivors’ support group and I want you to come so you can meet someone, but also so you can be a part of my recovery.”
“Whatever you need, Mila,” he says, smiling at me.
We drive, chatting about the rest of our week coming up. It’s mindless and easy, and probably exactly what both of us need right now. Adam is excited to get back to the bar and I’m looking forward to the routine and stability of going to class. I never thought I’d hear myself say that, but there’s something about creating a life with Adam that has me looking forward to the future.
We pull up out front and I can see Madison waiting for us outside the door. I texted her about an hour ago and told her I would be coming to the meeting and I would be bringing Adam. I wasn’t sure exactly how it all worked, and I wanted to make sure it was okay for him to come with me.
Madison couldn’t have been happier, telling me how wonderful it is that I have a boyfriend who supports me and wants to be involved. Honestly though, I can’t imagine having someone who isn’t supportive. That probably would’ve been a deal breaker for me. As much as I was worried about Adam’s response to me being assaulted, I knew if he didn’t understand then it would be time to move on. Even if the thought was heartbreaking. But it never came to that.
“This is Madison,” I announce, when we walk up to her. “She’s the reason I decided to go forward with pressing charges against my attacker.”
“She gives me more credit than I deserve,” Madison replies, holding a hand out to Adam. “You must be Adam. Mila told me all about you.”
“And I’m sorry, but I’ve heard nothing about you until this moment,” Adam jokes and I know he doesn’t mean it as a dig toward me.
“There was a lot neither of us knew,” I say, nudging him in the side with my elbow as he throws an arm over my shoulders and pulls me into his side. He presses a kiss to the top of my head, and we make our way inside.
Adam doesn’t say much as we drive home, both of us quiet and processing the meeting. It’s hard to listen to people tell you what happened to them. Some are more detailed than others and some just want to know they’re not alone. It’s why I’m there. I have no desire to continue to repeat what happened to me, but I need a reminder that I’m not the only one going through it. I need to know that should I ever want to talk about it, I have people who understand.
“What did you think?” I finally ask as we’re lying in bed next to each other later that night.
“I think you’re the strongest person I know,” Adam says, making my heart flutter just as my phone chimes out with a text.
When I look over, I see my lawyer’s name on the screen and my entire body tenses at just the beginning of his message. I hold the phone over for Adam to see and he nods almost imperceptibly.
I don’t want to open it, but I know I have to. I’ve spent all this time avoiding the truth and I can’t go backward now.
I look at what the screen says, “Probable cause for arrest, but…” It’s the word “but” that Adam and I both know will lead to more. It will lead to a settlement that I knew was coming, even if I didn’t want to admit that to myself. I wanted to be a voice, a warrior and I wanted to take down someone who took so much from me. I hate to call it revenge, but I guess that’s what I want.
I open the message and before I can even process what it means, I’m crying.
Probable cause for arrest, but they’re opting for a settlement offer in order to avoid exacerbating the victim’s trauma by going to trial.
I don’t read beyond that and as much as this should feel like closure, it doesn’t.
“I know this isn’t what you want,” Adam says, pulling me into his arms. “And I’m not going to try to say this is easier or this is better or make up some bullshit to help you come to terms with it. It sucks and I want to murder this guy with my bare hands, but no matter what, I’ll be here, Mila. No one will ever get to take that from you.”
“Thank you.”
Chapter Thirty-Four
Adam
It’s been a week since Mila got the text from her lawyer explaining everything. It was tough, watching her go through that, watching her try to come to terms with an outcome that I know she didn’t really want, even if we both knew she didn’t want it to go to trial either.
Having to listen to her tell her lawyer and the police all the personal aspects of her life, every single fact and detail about who she’d slept with and everything that went along with that, had been tough. Really fucking tough if I’m being honest. But for every second that I’d felt uncomfortable, I knew it had all been a million times worse for her.
The thing I was most proud of her for in all of this though, was the way she refused to stay silent, even in the face of so much pressure.
The fucker who’d done this to her was rich and he thought he could avoid both a trial and his name coming out. And while I know Mila wanted to avoid a trial too, there was no way in hell she was letting this fucking arsehole slink off without so much as a black mark against his name, no matter how much money he threw at her.
My girl had dug her heels in, refusing all of the extra cash they tried to give her in exchange for an NDA, and I loved her for it. I knew no amount of money was ever going to make any of what happened to her okay, but fuck if it should ever make her stay quiet either.
It hadn’t and even though it wasn’t going to be easy having his and her name out there, connected in this way, at least it was Mila’s choice this time. And that was so important to her.
And again, I really fucking loved her for it. So much.
“Adam, you here?”
I smile at the sound of her voice, knowing that with every day that passes, she gets a little bit better, a little bit further past it all. We both do actually. And while we both know it’s going to be a long road and a road that won’t always be easy, at least we have each other. There are no more secrets now, nothing between us anymore.
“Yeah, baby, bedroom.”
Mila laughs as her footsteps echo through my half-empty apartment, making their way toward me. “Hey,” she says, throwing her bag onto the floor as she walks toward me.
“Hi,” I reply, pulling her into my lap. “How you doing?”
Mila kisses me before answering, her lips soft against mine. “Good,” she whispers. “You?”
I grin, pulling her closer. “So much better now.” She lets out a breathy laugh as I kiss her again before trailing a path of kisses along her jaw and down her neck, loving the way she reacts to my touch.
“Are you working tonight,” she whispers, sighing as I suck on that sensitive spot, just below her ear that I know drives her crazy.
“Nope. You doing anything?”
She shuffles closer, the weight of her body, the feel of her against me doing all sorts of crazy things to me. “No,” she breathes out.
I chuckle, gently biting her shoulder before lifting my head. “Good.”
Mila pulls back, her hand on my cheek. “You have something in mind?” she asks, smirking a little.
“Maybe,” I tease, turning us to face the crappy desk I have in the bedroom I barely use anymore.
Mila glances at my laptop, which is open with a million websites loaded. I watch as she looks over the one that currently fills the screen, her eyes widening as she takes in everything it says. “Seriously?”
