by Claire Raye
“Seriously what?” I ask, leaning in to kiss her neck.
She turns to me, her hand on my jaw. “Adam, are you…I mean is this…?”
I laugh, tightening my arms around her waist. “Yes, this is my application for California nurses’ registration,” I confirm. “I gotta take a course or two and do some other shit, but yeah, that’s what this is.”
“Are you…I mean, are you sure?”
I know why she’s asking me and again, I fucking love her for it.
In the days after her settlement offer came through, we spoke so much about all of the things we’d both gone through. Not just what had happened in Tahoe, but also about my trip back to Australia, about the accident that caused me to run in the first place. She’d asked me a lot about Rachel and how we’d met, what our life together was like and about the night she’d died. I’d told her everything, hadn’t held anything back, didn’t want to. I wanted her to know it all, to know absolutely everything and to understand that what Mila and I have together is different but so incredibly important to me.
The most important thing to me.
Didn’t mean it had been easy. Talking about the life I’d once had, the future I thought I was going to have, had been fucking hard, regardless of how long ago it had all been taken away. But Mila, fuck me, she had been so goddamn amazing through all of it. So unbelievably supportive and understanding.
“I’m sort of sure,” I finally admit, still nervous about going back to a job I once loved, but ultimately ran from because of what happened.
I have no idea how it’s going to go, how I’ll feel the first time I see blood again or lose a patient or any number of things I know I’m going to face. But it’s something I want to try. After watching Mila face her fears and not just survive them but come out stronger, I know I owe it to myself and to her to try too.
“I mean, I’m not jumping straight back into it and I’m still gonna keep working at the bar for the foreseeable future, but yeah, I’m going to try again. Work a couple of shifts and see how it goes,” I add, watching for her reaction.
Mila smiles before pressing her mouth against mine in a hard kiss. “I’m so proud of you,” she whispers.
I let out a low laugh. “I feel like that’s my line.”
She smirks at me. “Not always.”
Squeezing my arms around her waist, I click over to the next website I have open, my eyes still on Mila as I watch her reaction when she realizes what else I’m doing, what else changes because of this. Her eyes flick over the screen, back and forth, back and forth.
“Are you…I mean…”
“If I pass my accreditation, they sponsor my visa,” I say by way of explanation. “Working visa, with a path to staying, so yeah, I—”
“Oh my god,” she says, cutting me off as she throws her arms around my neck and kisses me hard. “You’re staying, you’re really staying?”
I swallow her question with another kiss, knowing that this has always been something that’s scared Mila. The thought that I would leave again, that maybe one day I’d have to. I know I’m partly responsible for that fear, having left her once, but the truth is, having to leave is something I’m worried about too. And as cool as it is working for Caleb and as awesome of a boss as he is, bartending isn’t exactly going to get me a green card.
“I’m staying,” I whisper against her mouth, even as I reach over and click to the next website. “Although…”
Mila turns to look, her cheeks a little flushed. “What…” she trails off, before continuing, confused. “You are going back?”
Chuckling, I nuzzle her neck. “No, we are.”
“What?”
I press a kiss to her warm skin before lifting my head, our eyes locking. “I know you’re taking classes this summer, but I thought next summer, when you have more time, maybe we could go for a holiday.”
Mila sucks in a breath, her eyes widening. “To Australia?”
“Yes,” I say, leaning in to kiss her again. “I wanna show you where I grew up, introduce you to my friends, my family. And afterwards we’ll both come back here. Together.”
“But…but what if—”
“Mila,” I say, lifting her hand to my mouth and kissing her palm. “My home is with you, wherever that is, always.”
“Adam…”
“Maybe after you finish school, we’ll travel the world. Maybe you’ll decide you want to stay and work here. Maybe you’ll decide you want to try living in Australia. I don’t know, but whatever you decide, I’ll be there with you.”
Mila’s eyes shine with unshed tears as she watches me, as she takes in everything I’m saying.
“I love you, Mila and I don’t ever want to be without you. I want everything with you, the whole lot.”
She smiles now as a single tear slips out and slides down her cheek. “Everything?” she whispers.
I kiss the tear away. “Everything,” I whisper back, my mouth moving to her ear. “Marriage, babies, getting old together; everything.”
Mila’s arms tighten around me, holding me close as she takes in my words. It’s not the first time I’ve admitted them to her, but I’ll never stop reminding her.
A couple of nights after the text came through, we’d been lying in bed in the dark. We’d been talking about the night of our accident and out of the blue Mila had asked if I thought I’d ever want to get married again. Technically I hadn’t gotten married the first time, but I knew what she meant as I rolled over and pulled her close and told her yes, I did, because I wanted to marry her one day. I could feel the way her body had relaxed against mine at my answer.
The baby thing was always going to be tough for both of us considering everything we’d gone through, but that confession had come surprisingly easy for her and for me, even though we knew it was a long way off.
“I love you,” she says, her arms around my neck.
I smile, kissing the end of her nose. “I know and that’s why I want you to plan the whole trip, okay. Whatever you want to do.”
“How long will we go for?”
I laugh. “As long as you want,” I tell her. “But no skipping school.”
Mila pouts, but I know she doesn’t mean it because I know how much she loves her course. I haven’t told her this, but a part of me feels like after everything she went through, after all the support she got from people at the survivor’s group, the nurse she saw the night it happened, it’s like it’s given her this new sense of purpose. This drive to give back and help others.
“Speaking of, how was class today?”
“Good,” she says, smiling now. “Although I have an anatomy quiz on Wednesday.”
I nuzzle my face into her neck again. “Want me to help you study?”
Mila laughs, tilting her head to give me better access. “Sure, should I go get my flashcards?”
Chuckling, I slip my hand under her shirt. “Actually, I was thinking we could try a different approach this time.”
“Oh yeah?” she giggles, her hands slipping under my t-shirt as she pushes it up my back. “Such as?”
My fingers find her bra, undoing the clasp, before slipping around to her breasts. She lets out a gasp as I brush my thumbs over her nipples. “Something a little more hands on,” I murmur, before gently biting her shoulder. “You remember that word from the first time?” I ask, licking her throat. “The one you quizzed me about?”
Mila lets out a breathy giggle that is adorably sexy. “Yeah…”
I stand from the chair, Mila in my arms, her legs wrapping around my waist as I walk us the short distance to my bed, laying her down and hovering above her. “How about I prove I really do know where it is and what to do with it?”
She stares up at me, those beautiful brown eyes of hers so full of love and trust that it makes my heart thump hard in my chest. I’d do anything for this woman, absolutely fucking anything, because she has done so much for me. Saving me from my da
rkest moment and giving me a life I never want to stop living.
“Okay,” she says, smirking a little as she grabs the front of my t-shirt in her fist and pulls me on top of her. “Give it your best shot.”
And then she kisses me hard before I do exactly that.
Chapter Thirty-Five
Mila
I wish closure felt different, or maybe this isn’t even closure. It’s been forced upon me, and I’ve had very little say in what it looks like. It’s been explained to me by my lawyer and by Liz that this is the best course of action, and that I would have no idea how I would hold up in a trial situation. If it went that route, and I chose not to testify, he would probably get off without any repercussions, but I would be looked at as a liar or coward. If it went to trial, my life would be put on display and after that, there’s no way anyone would believe I was raped. People would come out of the woodwork and everyone would know I wasn’t exactly the poster child for good behavior. And in the eyes of the world that means I’m a shitty person. To some, it may even mean I deserve what happened to me. All of it feels out of my control, but I’m learning to deal with that.
It’s only been two days since I signed the settlement agreement and over the course of the last few weeks my emotions have been swinging like a pendulum. It feels good to have it over, but it also feels like a cop-out. Maybe I should have fought for more?
Not for more money, but more of a voice.
Every penny I received from the settlement never even saw my bank account, which was part of the terms of the settlement. I didn’t want anyone to think I was in it for the money, so I had the checks distributed to the survivors’ group, a group lobbying for a sexual assault survivors’ bill in California and to the counseling center on the Lake Tahoe University campus. That last one was an intentional jab at my attacker since he’s still walking around that campus thinking he salvaged his name.
It won’t be long though before the interview I did with the Lake Tahoe University newspaper sees the light of day. The best part of it all is that he signed an agreement that he would not speak about me in public, that includes interviews or internet postings of any kind. He was the fool who quickly signed off on it, thinking I would disappear after I received the check. He was dead wrong.
I don’t care that my name is out there, what I care about is that his name is out there too. I wasn’t the one who signed the nondisclosure, he was. I knew better. And all I can hope is this article has other women taking a second look at him before getting involved.
Today feels like a good day though. I do have them now, and they aren’t forced. I’m no longer exhausted by living a lie and while part of that is finally admitting the truth about what happened to me, it’s also because of Adam.
“You’re up early,” I say, when I find Adam sitting at the kitchen table. He’s looking down at his phone and he smiles when he sees me. He reaches out a hand and when I take it, he tugs me over to him, pulling me down in his lap.
“I am up early,” he replies, but I can tell he’s holding something back.
“What’s going on?”
He holds up his phone so I can see the screen. “Your article was published today,” he says and for a split second my heart stills in my chest.
This is it.
Everyone knows now and there’s no taking it back. It’s what I wanted, but that doesn’t mean it isn’t scary as hell. My lawyer knows about it and he told me he’d help should there be any legal backlash, but it isn’t even that that makes me worry for a second. It’s what people are saying about me.
“How many negative comments are there already?” I ask, rolling my eyes and trying to play it up like it doesn’t bother me.
“There are some and like Liz said, stay off the internet and social media. Remember, things you can control,” Adam says, winking at me, knowing he’s working through his own issues too.
“I don’t plan on looking at anything. I don’t need that, because today is going to be a good day.”
“Oh, is it? How are we planning to make today a good day?” he asks, his hand sliding up my thigh.
“It’s a good day because I’m here with you.”
“Could you be any cheesier?” Adam jokes and I know we’re cheesy, but I couldn’t have done any of this without him. Knowing he’s still here, standing by my side has made this process so much easier.
“I’m pretty sure we get the right to be cheesy after everything.”
I wrap my arms around his neck, resting my head on his shoulder, enjoying the closeness of his body and the silence that blankets us. Sometimes we both need the quiet to remind ourselves of everything we’ve been through and how we’re overcoming it together.
Adam still worries; he worries about losing me, he worries about car accidents and death, but he is also working with Liz now to find ways to control it. She’s the one who suggested he look at getting back into nursing, because helping people can help ease some of his guilt. He’s always held onto some sort of feelings of blame for what happened to Rachel and then me, but as strangely coincidental as it all is, none of it is his fault.
It’s easy to see that as someone looking in on the situation. I need to learn to take my own advice. What happened to me was never my fault, despite trying to convince myself it was. I have zero control over the actions of other people, including my attacker. He’s to blame for what happened to me, just like the driver of the other car is to blame for what happened to Rachel.
It’s funny how your brain can convince you of something and how the negative aspects always want to be pushed to the front. It’s harder to convince yourself of the reality of a situation, and Adam and I continue to work on that daily. We’ll get there.
The door to the apartment opens quickly, flying back and bouncing off the wall behind it.
“Oh my fucking god, Mila!” Charlie screams, running in from the hall.
Her voice is loud and she’s beaming as she comes over to where Adam and I are sitting, tossing her phone onto the table in front of us.
“Did you see this?” she asks, pointing to where her phone landed.
“See what?” I ask, confused.
“Your article?” she now adds, and I nod, even though I haven’t read it and I actually don’t plan on it.
“I know it’s there. Adam told me, but I’m not reading it. I’m staying away from it because I don’t need that rabbit hole. And it looks like I’ve got you to update me anyway.”
“I’m so damn proud of you,” she says, throwing her arms around me and crushing me against Adam. She clearly couldn’t care less that I’m sitting in his lap. She’s ready to celebrate with me. “That prick didn’t know who he was fucking with when he met you.”
I wish I could hold her same enthusiasm, but it’s still hard. I don’t feel like an advocate or a survivor, but I’m getting there. I want to be loud, and I want people to hear my story and take from it what they can and each day that passes, it gets easier. I just want people to know that my choices don’t define me and what happens at twenty can change your life. I’m choosing to make sure this changes my life for the better.
Charlie pulls away, smiling so wide and I can’t help but find her excitement infectious. She’s always been supportive of me and there are times I still wonder why I lied to her, why I hid what happened. I could have easily told her when I confided in her that I was pregnant, but I was still so scared of the backlash. Not that I think she would have ever blamed me the way I blamed myself. If anything, she would have pushed me to press charges; she would’ve been the voice I didn’t know I needed. But I wasn’t there yet, and it may have all fallen on deaf ears.
“Thank you,” I respond, trying my best to come to terms with how to respond when people see the strength in what I did.
“Let’s celebrate!” she now says, clapping her hands. “Surfing? The beach? We can grab some food. Have a picnic. It’s the perfect day.”
“Yeah, we’
ll join you,” Adam says, answering for both of us and there’s something about it that’s comforting. He knows what I need and how to help me. He takes decisions out of my hands that are simple and easy and leaves me to deal with what I can control.
He has no idea how much he’s helping.
“I love you,” I tell him, pressing a soft kiss to his neck.
“You can say it a million times and it will never get old,” Adam replies, making me smile. I know the feeling. He could tell me every hour for the rest of my life, and it will always be the reminder I need to keep moving forward.
Never without him.
We’ll always be two broken people who found each other through the darkest of times. Two people who helped each other heal, and for that, I will be forever grateful.
What’s Next?
Are you dying to know if Josh and Charlie move beyond just hooking up? We’ve got you covered! Check out Josh and Charlie’s story in Pursue Me.
Grab it here!
Pursue Me: Josh and Charlie Book One
Life at its best is the pursuit.
Josh Cooper is just a fling and she’s determined to keep it that way. She has too much at stake to fall for him.
Charlie McCall is the beautiful blonde he met on his trip to the States and he’s desperate to win her over. But he’s failing miserably.
Unable to stay away from each other, they finally give into the idea of a relationship and of what it could become for both of them.
But the pursuit may be the only thing that’s keeping them together.
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