by Debra Doxer
Emotion swelled deep inside. I was discovering so many things about him now that he was gone. Despite what others thought, I’d always idolized him, and now I knew I was right. My father was a good man who sometimes had to do bad things.
The knowledge was bittersweet.
Not only did Lorraine feed me dinner last night, but she offered to make me breakfast too. It was early. Dawn had yet to break, but she must have heard me getting up. I’d wanted to be up early because I intended to visit Theo this morning before he left for school.
Breakfast wasn’t anything fancy, just fruit and cereal, but I ate it, feeling a little strange to have Jonah’s mother waiting on me.
“Give me your number,” Lorraine said, holding up her cell phone. “I want to be able to reach you, and you can call me anytime for any reason.”
We exchanged numbers and said our good-byes, but not without Lorraine creasing her forehead with worry. She told me to take care of myself, if not for my own sake, then for my father’s. I listened with half an ear, but I appreciated her concern.
On my way out, I paused on the threshold and turned back to her, because there was one large issue we hadn’t addressed. I shouldn’t have cared, but I did.
“You know Jonah would understand why you left if you explained it to him.”
She shook her head. “You can’t tell him where I am. Victor can’t find out, and I don’t trust Cooper not to tell him. I hate saying that about my own son, but he’s under Victor’s thumb. He always has been. He probably wouldn’t believe me anyway, not after what I did to him.”
My gut said she should try, but I didn’t argue with her, especially since she might have been right about Jonah telling Victor.
“I know he deceived you, Candy. I hope you don’t mind that Sebastian told me that. I’m sorry, but I can tell you that the boy I knew was a kind and gentle one. He wouldn’t have lied to you if he didn’t have to, and I’m sure it wasn’t easy for him.”
I said nothing, just like I had when Jonah pleaded his own case, but I felt a little different now that I knew his whole story. My resentment didn’t burn as hot.
But Lorraine was right. He was under the influence of his father. As long as that was the case, Jonah was on the wrong side of things.
My head was swimming when I finally drove out of Lorraine’s driveway just as the sun came up. It seemed fitting since I’d been in the dark for so long, having this much information felt like stepping into the light, but it was also overwhelming.
The picture was so much clearer now. My father’s behavior made sense, and his disappearances did too. I’d be willing to bet some of those weekends he claimed to be working, he came here. Maybe all of them, which made me have mixed feelings about Lorraine.
The truth was, I couldn’t picture my father with her because she was so different from my mother. But Lorraine seemed nice. She seemed to understand him, and I couldn’t blame him for moving on. But I could feel an unwanted pang if he’d chosen to spend time with her rather than me when I came home after six long years. That didn’t sit well.
As I drove toward Theo’s house, I wondered how I’d be able to pretend everything was normal when it was so far from normal, but I couldn’t tell him. I wouldn’t unload my problems on him when he had so many of his own.
When I came to the turnoff for Theo’s street, I found myself driving straight past it and instead continued on to my aunt’s house. I had this growing need to tell her how wrong she was about my father. She thought he was a monster, that my mother couldn’t have chosen a worse husband. She had no idea how much that so-called monster had sacrificed to keep my mother alive.
As I turned the corner onto my aunt’s street, my need turned to anger simmering inside me. She’d wronged him so badly all these years, but as my foot found the brake pedal to stop in front of the house, I knew I couldn’t do it.
I couldn’t tell her the truth, because if Victor’s investigation somehow made its way to her doorstep, she’d be all too pleased to tell him my father was guilty. But I was dying to rub it in her face how wrong she’d been about him.
Once I’d brought the car to a stop one house down, I sat there looking back at the small, tired-looking place I’d lived in but never called home, wondering how my father had kept quiet for so long. When my aunt threw accusations at him and when I kept asking him what was going on, how had he remained completely silent about what he’d done?
I also wondered if my mother knew. If so, I doubt she would have approved. Mom would never have wanted him to put himself on the line for her. Not that he would have listened if she’d told him not to. If he had it in his power to help her, he would, and he did. He wanted her for as long as he could have her. And so did I. He’d helped her for the both of us.
I blinked back my tears as I watched the quiet house. Errant snowflakes fell from the gray sky, melting as they landed on the windshield. When I spotted my uncle open the front door and walk outside in his robe to retrieve the newspaper lying on the front lawn, my stomach twisted at the sight of him.
No matter how messed up my situation was now, I was glad I’d decided to leave here. At least I got to live with my father for a few months before they took him.
Hating how holding the truth inside felt, I knew it was the smart thing to do, and wondered if my thinking was the same as my father’s had been. If he’d told anyone, he risked exposure, and he risked losing the treatment that was helping my mother.
Self-control was much harder than giving in to impulse, but I knew it was what my father would have done, and he did it for so very long.
***
When my phone began dinging with texts and then ringing, I had a good idea who it was. Jonah had probably discovered that I wasn’t at home. It was still early, but maybe he’d gone to my house to check on me before school.
Glancing at my bag, I wondered how to play this. Should I ignore him? If so, what would he do? Would he try to look for me?
I could tell him a partial truth, that at the last minute I’d decided to come here to see Theo. As I pulled up in front of Theo’s house, I decided that was the safest way to go. For all I knew, if I didn’t reply, Jonah would send people out searching for me.
When I pulled out my phone, I read the texts, all from Jonah, all less than pleased at my absence.
Me: I drove to Theo’s house. I needed to see him. Will be back soon.
His reply came right away.
Jonah: You said you’d go to school today.
I rolled my eyes at my phone.
Me: No. You did.
It took a moment for his reply to come back.
Jonah: I’ll see you when you get back. Assuming you are coming back.
I snorted and sent back a happy face that was sure to annoy him more.
That went better than expected, although Jonah had no right to be angry. It wasn’t like I was under arrest or anything; I was free to go wherever I pleased. Of course, if he had any idea where I’d just been, his mind would be blown. It wasn’t going to be easy keeping his mother a secret from him, but he’d kept so many from me, I didn’t think my conscience would have a big issue with it.
When I arrived at Theo’s house, it appeared quiet with no cars in the driveway, which meant his folks had left for work. He wasn’t much of a morning person, so I doubted I’d missed him leaving for school. He usually rolled in during homeroom period, and since he was so obviously sick, he never got in trouble for it. Even though he claimed not to want any passes for his illness, he still took advantage when it suited him.
I walked up to the front door and rang the bell. The air had turned icy, and the gray sky had darkened.
As I stood there, I held my gloved hand out in front of me and caught a snowflake. It looked geometrically perfect, as if it had been cut from white paper, before it melted away into the dark material.
The door was slowly pulled open after a few moments. When Theo spotted me, his eyes rounded. As I looked at him, mine did too. He
looked so pale with dark sunken eyes.
“What are you doing here?” he asked. A black sweater hung from his narrow shoulders, draping over gray sweatpants.
“I’m here to see you, dummy,” I replied, trying not to let my shock at his appearance show.
He scowled. “You didn’t have to drive all the way here.”
“Good to see you too. It’s kind of freezing outside, by the way.”
Theo sighed and pulled the door open wider so I could come in. Even though I kept a neutral half smile on my face, my insides were quaking. I was sure there was terrible news clawing inside Theo’s head, and I wondered if he was going to tell me. Much to my shame, I wasn’t sure if I wanted to hear it or not.
Actually, that wasn’t true. I knew I didn’t want to hear it.
“Are your folks at work?” I asked.
As I pulled off my gloves and coat, I glanced from the entryway into the living room. Blankets were piled on the couch, and a video game was paused on the television screen. The house was dark and stuffy, and a stale smell hung heavy in the air.
“They just left.”
He turned and walked back into the living room, not bothering to see if I was following him. After settling onto the couch, he grabbed the ends of the blanket and wrapped it around himself.
As I sat beside him, questions ran through my head, one after the other, and I wondered which one to ask first. Should I make small talk or just ask him outright?
Theo wouldn’t meet my eyes. Instead he fumbled with the game remote.
“Just tell me,” I finally whispered, gripping my hands in my lap.
He only sat there, looking down at the remote that he was now juggling from one hand to the other. “My grandfather was my favorite person in the world. Did I ever tell you that?” He glanced up, and his eyes were darker than I’d ever seen them.
I shook my head.
“He used to take me fishing on Saturday mornings, but we’d always throw the fish back. Not just the small ones. All of them. In theory, fresh fish sounded great. In practice, he couldn’t actually kill one himself. I’ve been thinking a lot about him lately.”
I knew his grandfather died of cancer. Right on cue, tears sprang to my eyes. “The new treatment isn’t working?”
He shook his head. “No, it’s not. The doctors are out of ideas, so they switched me back to the first treatment since it was the only one that really helped.”
“But I thought it stopped working after a while.”
He scratched at his cheek. “It did. They’re not exactly optimistic.”
“Theo . . .”
“I don’t think I can do it again. I had the second treatment last week, and I’m just coming out of it now. The feeding tube is back because I can’t keep any food down, and the sores in my mouth are all back too. I keep wondering why I’m putting myself through this when the odds of it working are so low. I don’t think I can.”
I knew what he was saying, but I didn’t want to.
His gaze met mine. “I’m done, Candy.”
I played dumb. “What do you mean, you’re done?”
His eyes clouded over. “I’m taking control, that’s all.”
I knew something more than the usual was wrong when he went MIA for so long. I knew it and I didn’t reach out. Theo had isolated himself, and this was what he’d been going through? I’d been a terrible friend, and I had to change his mind.
“What do your parents think?”
He glanced at me. “They understand. They accept my decision.”
“Bullshit.”
“It’s not bullshit. It’s only a matter of time. Everyone knows that; even the doctors know it, but they won’t stop filling my body with poison because not one of them wants to say it’s over, that they failed. But I’m saying it’s over. I want to feel good again, even if it’s just for a little while. I want to stop worrying about dying and start living again.”
“You are living.”
“Now I’m calling bullshit because you know I haven’t really been living for a long time.”
I had nothing to say to that because he was probably right. “And your folks are okay with this?”
He scoffed. “Of course they’re not okay. None of this is okay, but that’s beside the point. I know you understand, Candy. You may not want to, but you do.”
Swallowing thickly, I worked hard not to cry. As angry as I was at him for making me go through this again, for making me watch him die the same way I had my mother, I couldn’t pretend not to understand. The determination in his eyes convinced me he was serious.
“So you’re stopping treatment?”
Theo licked his dry lips. “My next treatment would be next week, and I’m not going. With no chemo, I’ll feel better in a couple of weeks, I think.”
“Until you stop feeling better,” I said, because without treatment, the tumors would eventually win.
Theo smiled sadly. “Right, until then.” His eyes turned glassy. “They tell me I’ll have about three to six months.”
Three to six months? That was nothing. It would pass in the blink of an eye, and now I was crying. I couldn’t help myself.
“It’s not fair,” I whispered.
“There’s a lot of stuff in the world that’s not fair. In the big picture,” he gestured toward the video game paused on the TV, “I’m barely a pixel on the screen.”
“Are you kidding me?” My mouth hung open. “What big picture are you talking about? No one cares about the big picture. We all see our own small piece, and when you put those pieces together, they’re what make up the big picture. There’s no big picture without all those pixels. When you’re gone, my picture will never look the same. It will always be incomplete. It will always be missing you.”
Tears trailed down Theo’s cheeks. He didn’t try to hide his face or dash them away; he let them flow, and he let me see them. Even though it was instinctual to want to hug him, his stiff posture told me not to. At this moment, Theo was a combination of strength and vulnerability that took my breath away. He was also unbearably sad.
I reached out and took his hand. It was cold and dry, but his fingers squeezed mine, and I hoped he knew that he wasn’t alone. He was the reason I didn’t feel so alone when I lived here with my aunt, and I wouldn’t let him feel that way either.
No matter how hard it was, I’d be here for him. I’d help him in any way I could.
On the way home I listened to the radio, gritting my teeth as the announcer talked about spinouts on the road and whiteout conditions. He also said the storm was moving from south to north and the worst had already passed through the Glenn Valley area, but I was apparently driving in the heart of it now. My hands gripped the steering wheel so tightly, they were slippery with sweat. I could barely see the asphalt as my gaze latched onto the red taillights of the car in front of me, using them to guide my way.
The ride was slow, and I had miles to go before I reached Glenn Valley. In my bag, my phone kept making noises, but conditions were too dangerous for me to reach over and check it.
For the entire ride, I’d been thinking about fate and timing, and the fact that I learned about my mother’s treatment at the same time Theo decided to stop his. I’d never believed in fate before, but now I wanted to. If fate were responsible for the collision of these events, then maybe fate wanted me to help Theo. Maybe the treatment that helped my mother could help him too. A kernel of hope formed inside me, and I knew I had to find out more about the clinical trial.
The Glenn Valley exit came up fast, and I pumped the brakes on the slippery road like my father taught me to when I was home visiting one winter. The car slowed, and I managed to exit off the highway and onto a side road, which had been cleared of snow.
When I finally pulled into the driveway, Jonah’s Jeep was parked in it. I was gathering my things and startled when my car door was yanked open.
Jonah stared down at me with eyes that were slightly wild. “You shouldn’t have been out
driving in this.”
“I’m fine,” I said, but he wasn’t angry; his face was lined with worry. I let him take my arm to help me out of the car as I dragged my overnight bag out behind me.
We walked into my house together, and I didn’t find it strange that he had no key and yet he still opened the front door and went inside. Locks and an alarm hadn’t kept his father out, and I suspected it would be no different for Jonah.
Still perspiring from my white-knuckle ride, I stripped off my coat and gloves, dropping them in a pile on top of my bag on the floor as Jonah stood there looking at me.
“How’s Theo?” he asked.
It was a simple question, but it destroyed me. I’d been holding my emotions in for so long that I finally crumpled and broke down into tears, folding in on myself.
Jonah’s arms wrapped around me, holding me up as he pulled me close. My hands were pressed between us, and I fisted them in his shirt as I buried my face in his collar. All the emotion that I couldn’t show Theo poured out, and I didn’t try to stop it because I knew I couldn’t.
Jonah held me while I cried, and kissed the top of my head every so often. I was still second-guessing every word that came out of his mouth, but the comfort of his strong arms did more for me than any of the apologies he’d uttered. I was falling, and he was here to catch me. Somehow, I knew he would.
“Talk to me. Tell me what happened,” he finally whispered, his warm breath fluttering through my hair.
I took a deep breath and wiped at my wet cheeks. “Theo’s treatment isn’t working. He’s stopping it.”
That was why I was crying, but it wasn’t the only thing going on. There were so many other things I couldn’t say, like the fact that I’d met Jonah’s mother and how I hoped to help Theo. Oh, and now I knew for sure that my father had committed treason and why. But I couldn’t tell Jonah any of it.
