by Debra Doxer
“What’s he going to do?” Jonah asked.
I looked up at him and shook my head. “Nothing.”
His throat worked as he swallowed. “Nothing, as in no more treatment?”
Nodding, I looked away, but when I tried to move from where I was standing within the circle of his arms, he didn’t release me. Instead his hand smoothed up and down my back.
“I’m sorry,” he said. “I wish there was something I could do.”
“Me too.”
Jonah’s words were the sort everyone offered, a platitude spoken to say something comforting, but with no real meaning behind it. My words were different. They were real. I might actually be able to help Theo.
We both broke the embrace at the same time, gradually, reluctantly, but Jonah’s hands lingered on my shoulders before completely releasing me.
“Sorry about your shirt,” I said, looking at the wrinkles and dampness I left behind.
“I don’t care about the shirt.” His gaze held mine in a soft and sympathetic stare, and he had no idea how he was twisting me into knots with one tender look because I believed it. I believed he cared.
My focus shifted to his scar, the raised pink line that rimmed his right eye, and I thought about the knife responsible for it and the hand that had wielded it. Jonah had his own tragic past, and I couldn’t help wondering if that was why I was drawn to him from the beginning, before I knew anything about him. Maybe something inside me sensed the tragedy inside him? Maybe it called out to the shattered parts inside me? I wasn’t sure.
Jonah scratched the back of his neck and gestured toward the door. “I called a locksmith, but he didn’t want to come over until the snow stopped.”
I glanced over and saw the dead bolt was bent. “You broke in? Can’t you pick locks or something?”
He smiled before his expression turned sheepish. “No, actually I can’t, and I only forced my way in here because I got worried when you wouldn’t answer your door or your phone.” Jonah released a slow breath. “Looks like the snow is about done. Maybe the locksmith can fix it before school starts.”
“School?” My brows lifted.
“There’s a delayed opening because of the storm. Looks like you won’t miss it after all.” He glanced at his watch. “First bell is in an hour.”
Ugh. School was the last place I felt like going today, but I was too drained to argue. With a sigh, I busied myself with hanging up my coat and gathering my things. Perspiration still coated my skin, and I told Jonah I was going to take a shower.
While I stood under the spray, I thought of everything that happened since last night, all the things I’d learned at Lorraine’s, and the terrible news Theo had told me.
I pictured him with tears trailing down his face. When my mother was sick, I’d felt so helpless, watching her suffer and unable to do anything about it. Was it possible that I could help Theo? The information in the files was over six years old. Where was the doctor who ran the clinical trial now? What happened to the drugs they used? How could I find out?
After my shower, I pulled on the leggings and sweater I’d brought into the bathroom with me. I was towel drying my hair as I walked out into the living room and saw Jonah sitting on the couch, reading something on his phone.
“I’ll make us something to eat,” I called to him as I walked into the kitchen. Since I was hungry, I couldn’t cook something and not offer him some. After talking to Lorraine, I was softening toward Jonah.
As I stood in the kitchen, wondering what to make, I thought of my mother’s recipe book still in my bag. Now that it held Lorraine’s address, I intended to keep it hidden, especially with Jonah and his father coming and going as they pleased.
But that meant I couldn’t use it to make anything. You’d think I would have memorized a few recipes after all this time, but I hadn’t. I liked relying on that book. After looking through the cabinets, I decided to make pancakes from a mix I found, thinking they would be quick and easy.
From the corner of my eye, I saw Jonah’s tall frame filling the kitchen doorway. I hadn’t heard him approach. He didn’t say anything, just watched me, and even though he was making me self-conscious, I continued what I was doing, trying not to let him distract me.
He stayed completely silent as I piled the pancakes on a plate and set them on the table. When I sat down, he did too, and he finally spoke.
“You going to be okay at school?”
I glanced at him, once again pushing down the instinct to argue. I had my own reasons for going to school today. “I doubt I’ll be able to concentrate, but I guess I could try.”
Jonah nodded, pleased as he took a bite. Abruptly, he stopped chewing, grabbed the napkin beside his plate, and spit his food into it. “What the hell? Are you trying to poison me?”
Curious, I took a small nibble of my pancake and winced. It tasted rancid, like cardboard laced with battery acid. I grabbed the box off the counter and searched for a date. A date just after the new millennium was barely visible. It was fifteen years old. Oops.
“Sorry. These expired when Bill Clinton was president.”
He stood up and got a glass of water. “Is that all you have here? Ancient pancake mix? I’ll take you food shopping later.”
Jonah was trying to insinuate himself into my life, and I didn’t think it was a good idea, not with all the secrets I was keeping. “You don’t have to do that. I can just use the online order form. That’s what I always do.”
“I don’t mind taking you. The Jeep is safer in the snow.”
I sighed. The Jeep might have been safe but depending on Jonah wasn’t, not for my heart or for my plans.
“If I order the groceries, they get delivered. I don’t have to go out at all.”
His lips pressed together.
I wasn’t sure why he was so interested in how I got my groceries, but since he was already cranky, I figured I might as well tell him my decision.
“By the way, I’ve decided I want to help my father by talking to the Hoyts for you.”
Jonah blinked, taking a moment to catch up. “Candy, I don’t think—”
“I know you don’t like it, but I’ve made up my mind.”
He watched me as if he were weighing his next words carefully. “Look, I’m not sure you’re in the best state of mind to make that decision right now.”
I crossed my arms. “I’m in a perfectly sound state of mind. Are you going to use the fact that I got upset a little while ago against me?”
“No. Of course not.” He sounded offended.
“What would your father think about this?”
His eyes narrowed. “About what?”
“The way you keep trying to talk me out of it.”
Jonah’s expression tightened.
“He doesn’t know, does he?”
Staring hard at me, he said nothing in response.
“You don’t trust him.” I probably shouldn’t have said that, but because of what I now knew about Jonah’s family, I was baiting him. I hated his father and I thought he should too, especially after what Lorraine told me.
“Candy, come on.” He frowned. “If I asked you the same question about your father, you’d hesitate too. With the kind of work they do, they’re different from other people. I trust my father as much as I can trust him.”
“You do that same kind of work, but you’re asking me to trust you. And you’re wrong. I trust my father completely.” I hadn’t always trusted him that way, but I did now.
Jonah blew out a breath. “The way you feel about your father is naive. It’s the hero worship every little girl feels.”
My teeth clenched together as they held back the secrets that wanted to spill out. “You’ve been wrong about my father from the start. You don’t know the first thing about him.”
“I know enough,” he said, sitting forward. “I know he’s the reason you’re so distrustful. Not to mention guarded and skeptical when someone tries to tell you they care about you.”
I balled my hands into fists by my side. “Excuse me? I think you’re a little confused here. He’s never lied to me. Can you say the same thing? If I’m guarded and skeptical, it’s because I’ve been lied to by other people. Not him.”
Jonah’s lips flattened into a straight line. Then he released a long breath and just looked at me.
What just happened? We’d never argued like this before.
He closed his eyes and shook his head. “You’re so damn stubborn. It doesn’t have to be this way between us.”
I jumped to my feet to gather the dishes, and dropped them a little too roughly into the sink.
It didn’t have to be this way, but it was better, safer. I couldn’t get swept up in Jonah again. He made me emotional and unbalanced, and I couldn’t risk that. I couldn’t lose my focus. I had to push him away.
Turning to face him, I asked, “Was anything true that you told me about your girlfriend, Katelyn?”
His eyes flared in surprise at my change of subject before his gaze briefly flicked to the floor.
“That’s what I thought.” I huffed out a disgusted breath. “I guess you weren’t above faking a relationship after all. What about your father having Raynaud’s like me? I bet that was a lie too.”
Jonah stood abruptly, and his chair screeched along the floor. “Is this what you’ve been doing? Sifting through everything I ever told you, then itemizing the lies so you could justify your bad opinion of me?”
I just looked at him, watching the way his expression wrinkled with frustration. I was being hard on him, it was true, but a strange momentum had taken hold of me and I couldn’t seem to stop myself.
“Look, Candy. I had to warn you away from Mr. Harris,” he said defensively. “What I said about him was true, and I know that because I’ve seen the complaints that have been made against him by female students. I couldn’t tell you about the complaints, because how could I possibly know about them if I was just a high school student? But I needed a story that you would believe. So yes, I lied to make sure you didn’t take the tutoring job.”
He shrugged. “The rest of it was true, for the most part. Katelyn and I dated. It wasn’t fake, and it helped smooth my transition into the school. But it was never serious, and she did end up cheating on me, even though it wasn’t with a teacher, which didn’t feel so hot.”
“You used it, though, to make me think we had that in common.”
After a moment, he nodded.
“And your father having Raynaud’s? You used that story to explain how much you knew about it. But you knew because you already knew all about me. You probably googled CREST while you were at it.”
“Maybe I did. I was curious about you.”
My mouth opened and closed again. He’d really googled CREST syndrome? “And what about Heather?”
His shoulders slumped at yet another question. “She really is a friend of mine. I met her in school, and she happens to live here now. She’s one of us, though. Both her parents work for the organization. They’re pretty high up there, actually. I left that out when I told you about her.”
Heather was one of us? Another kid of the organization?
“You’ve told more lies than you even realize.”
He shook his head sadly. “I had to, Candy. But that’s done. I won’t lie to you again. I promise.”
I tilted my head at him. “Maybe that’s a lie too.”
Jonah closed his eyes briefly and drew his hands down his face. After a long moment, he asked, “Do you hate me?” He asked the question like it just occurred to him, and if I answered yes, he would deflate before my eyes.
I swallowed. “I don’t hate you.”
His gaze held no relief. “But you don’t like me very much.”
I looked at him, noticing how his hazel eyes watched and waited for my reply. My gaze inadvertently focused on his right eye and the scar that dragged it down.
Next I looked at the small scab on his bottom lip. It had mostly healed, but I’d done that to him several days ago, biting him when he tried to kiss me. Looking at the two marks, the pang I felt said I cared about him still, but the guilt that followed told me caring was a mistake.
“I don’t know how I feel about you,” I replied honestly. There was a war going on inside me when it came to Jonah.
The disappointment that darkened his eyes made me regret being so honest. I looked away, wishing things could be different, but knew myself well enough to understand they might never be.
I started the dishes, and soon after the locksmith arrived. I let Jonah handle it, relieved to have his attention diverted from me while I finished cleaning up. Afterward I went to my room to finish getting ready for school.
“The lock is fixed. We should go now,” Jonah said from my open doorway a little while later.
“Okay.” I glanced at him, sensing the tension in the air between us.
“Are you going to visit Theo again?” he asked.
My back stiffened. “Don’t worry. I won’t run off again without telling you.”
Frustration flitted across Jonah’s face. “That wasn’t why I asked. I wanted to know if I could come with you next time. I’d like to see him too.”
“Oh,” I replied, a little ashamed of myself. It was thoughtful of him to think of that. “I don’t know when I’m going again.”
He nodded. “Well, let me know. We’d better go if we don’t want to be late.”
Then he disappeared from my doorway.
I’d hurt Jonah; I could see it in his eyes. It wasn’t the first time I’d hurt someone, but it was the first time I’d cared so much.
***
Jonah was waiting for me in my living room, but I couldn’t stop thinking about Theo and needed to talk to him, or at least text him before we left for school.
Me: Are you still playing video games instead of going to school?
Theo: You ask that like playing video games is a waste of time. It just so happens I’m waiting for Jacqueline.
Me: Who?
Theo: My new nurse. She can teach me things you can’t learn in a classroom.
I rolled my eyes at my phone.
Me: Hot?
Theo: Smokin’. And as soon as I can feed myself again, she’s mine.
I snorted.
Me: When do you lose the feeding tube?
Theo: Could be soon. The parental units want to take me to California to visit family once I’m up to it. Jacqueline may miss me, but it would be cool to see the Pacific.
Me: Sounds nice.
I swallowed because I would miss him.
Me: Let me know when you’re leaving for Cali.
Theo: Will do. Say hi to tall, dark, and broody for me. You let me know when you tap that.
He meant Jonah, obviously. Theo had no idea what was going on there because I’d chosen not to tell him, and I didn’t intend to.
Me: Sure. Right after I post it on Instagram.
Theo: With pornographic evidence? Oops, I meant photographic. :)
Me: As if. Talk later.
Theo: Not if I’m busy with Jacqueline.
The fact that I was smiling when there wasn’t anything to smile about was a testament to Theo. His spirit couldn’t be dimmed.
Before putting my phone away, I texted Lea to let her know I’d be back at school today. She’d texted me yesterday, and I hadn’t answered until just now. If I was lucky, she wouldn’t be mad at me for ignoring her.
Jonah was standing at the door with his coat on as I turned on the heated gloves he had given me and waited for them to warm up. He looked at the gloves and then at me before glancing away. A lump rose in my throat. Things had been so different when he gave them to me. Despite everything, I was still grateful.
“It’s icy,” he said as we walked outside. Then he actually reached for my arm so he could walk me to his Jeep.
I had on fashion boots that probably would have slipped on the ice if Jonah hadn’t been steadying me. The motor was already
running in the Jeep when we got inside. Jonah must have gone out to start the engine before I emerged from my room. Apparently what I’d said to him last night didn’t cause him to lose his manners. He was being so thoughtful, guilt at how I’d spoken to him washed over me again.
He glanced at me as he backed out of the driveway. “You have a doctor’s appointment coming up, don’t you?”
I nodded, surprised he’d remembered with so much going on. I was dreading this appointment. My fingers hadn’t improved, and I still wore Band-Aids over the dark frostbitten skin.
“When is it?”
“I don’t know. I have to check.” I didn’t want to go and hear bad news—that parts of my fingertips had to be removed.
“Let me know so I can come with you.”
Looking out the window at a world covered in white, I didn’t answer him. First he wanted to come see Theo with me; now Jonah wanted to go to my doctor’s appointment. He wanted to be there for me, just like he said, no matter how badly I continued to hurt him.
Emotion built inside me, clogging my throat.
He glanced at me. “Candy, I mean it. You shouldn’t go alone.”
I slid him a sideways glance, wondering what it would be like to have Jonah there. It would help. In spite of everything, I knew that much.
“Okay. Thanks.”
Looking back out the window, I spotted a flock of tiny brown sparrows that fluttered down to land on the telephone wires that stretched along the road. There were so many of them braving the frigid winter air.
As I watched them, I wondered if I could fly away somewhere and leave all this behind. I could do it, actually. My father said I could sell the house. Then I could take the money and go wherever I wanted.
It was interesting to think about, but I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t walk away from my father or Theo.
Soon enough the sparrows were behind us and the brick school building was in front of us, where the janitors were busy shoveling the walkways.
