by Debra Doxer
I nodded. He more than hit him, and we had no idea if Victor was okay or not.
“Good,” he said flatly, his tone telling me he was prepared to dislike Jonah if he’d done anything less. “And your father really turned traitor to save your mother?”
I nodded again. “The treatment gave her two more years after the doctors said there wasn’t anything else they could do. They only gave her three to six months.”
“Like me,” he said quietly.
“Like you,” I said, and something in my tone or expression must have told him what I was thinking.
“No, Candy.” He placed his hand on my arm. “I’ve been to all the best doctors. I’ve tried all the treatments. I’m done with that roller coaster, and I have zero interest in getting back on it.”
My lips tightened. “I want to find it for you. Once I do, then you can decide.”
“You’re not hearing me. I’m done with that. I want to think about life. I want to live and stop feeling like shit trying to live longer. Can’t you understand that?”
I understood, but I didn’t want to. How was giving up ever the right thing to do? I didn’t tell him that, though. Instead I nodded and looked away so he wouldn’t see the devastation in my eyes. I wanted to help him so badly. I wanted to save him.
“So, tell me about you and Jonah. How do you feel about him now?”
He wanted to change the subject. I let him, for now. “I don’t know.” I shrugged. “Actually, that’s not true. I do know. I forgive him. I feel like I shouldn’t, like it’s naive of me, but after what he did last night, I can’t help it. I forgive him, and I trust him too.”
“So you like him again.”
Biting my lip, I nodded.
Theo sat back and eyed me smugly. “I think you more than like him.”
“Maybe,” I said softly. “I asked him what he would do if he were in my father’s position. If given the chance to save someone he loved, would he take it, no matter the price? His answer was, ‘I think I just did.’ He meant me, Theo. He meant when he saved me from his father.”
A smile curled Theo’s lips.
“But he didn’t actually say I love you or anything,” I was quick to add. “He might not have even realized what he said.”
Theo angled a stern look at me. “You don’t want him to love you?”
“I didn’t say that.”
“Then what are you saying?”
“I don’t know.” I huffed out a breath, thinking how silly it was for me to make so much of this. But I couldn’t stop thinking about it.
“Do you love him?”
Definitely not, my subconscious answered for me. How could I? I hated him only a few hours ago. But I never really hated him, so maybe I could love him. The fact was, I thought I already might.
I released a slow breath because that question was more complicated than it seemed. I could count on one hand the people I’d loved in my life. My father, my mother, and Theo. The kind of love he was talking about was different, though. I’d never felt that before, and I didn’t know if I would recognize it if I did.
“Candy.” Theo took my hand. “You don’t have to answer that.”
I bit my lip, wishing my feelings were simpler. Jonah and I had been through so much, and there was so much more to overcome. The way I felt about him seemed beside the point. Did I love him? I liked him, a lot. But love? Just the thought of it made me want to cry. Love was hard, and I didn’t want my life to get any harder.
“I should get back,” I said, glancing at my watch. “Jonah will worry if I’m gone too long.”
“Since when do you give a crap about not worrying people?”
I just shrugged.
“You looove him,” Theo sang.
“Shut up.” I rolled my eyes.
“So let me know if you end up spending Christmas in Ryberg. Maybe I’ll come by and see you.”
Christmas in Ryberg? With Lorraine and Jonah instead of at home by myself? I hadn’t even thought of that. Past Christmases spent here didn’t hold very good memories, and last Christmas I’d told myself I would spend the next one in Glenn Valley. I couldn’t have imagined that I would be back in Ryberg, and definitely not under these circumstances.
While I didn’t mind the idea of being with Jonah and Lorraine, my heart felt heavy at the loss of the Christmas I’d looked forward to having. Next year, I decided with determination, I would spend this holiday with my father, or I wouldn’t celebrate it or acknowledge it at all.
As I said good-bye to Theo, my gaze wandered over him, noticing the changes in him since last year. There were no jokes about this being his last Christmas. He wasn’t morose. It was like giving up the fight and accepting his fate had given him a new outlook. Most likely, having the chemo out of his body and not feeling so sick all the time had something to do with it.
I wondered how long it would last. Eventually the tumors would grow big enough to affect him again. How would he feel when that happened? Would he change his mind once his health took a turn for the worse, when it might be too late to do anything about it?
Smiling through my worry so he wouldn’t see, I hugged Theo good-bye, promising to let him know my plans for Christmas once I checked with Lorraine. On the way back, I stopped at the pet store in the town center and picked up all the things Pumpkin would need to stay at Lorraine’s house. It felt so odd being back in this town. I was worried about running into my aunt and uncle or my cousins, but I didn’t, of course.
When I arrived back at Lorraine’s house, I found Jonah sitting with her in the living room, looking at old photographs.
“How’s Theo?” Jonah asked as I carried in my bags of supplies.
“He’s good.”
He jumped up to help when he saw how loaded down I was. “This stuff is for Pumpkin?”
I glanced at Lorraine, who smiled but looked apprehensive. “All that for one cat?”
“Merry Christmas.” I grinned, and she laughed and shook her head.
After setting up the litter box in what looked like Lorraine’s office, I poured food into a bowl for Pumpkin, set out some water, and joined Jonah and Lorraine in the living room.
“So, Theo and Heather have become friends,” I said.
“What?” Jonah looked at me like I said they’d moved to Siberia or something equally outrageous.
“Didn’t I tell you? She told me she liked him that day we went bowling, and asked me to give him her number.” I shrugged. “Looks like it’s mutual.”
Jonah scratched his cheek, his forehead furrowing. “Heather and Theo? Is that a good idea?”
“That’s what I thought at first too, but Heather knows his situation, and I kind of admire her for not letting it scare her off.”
His expression turned thoughtful as he cocked his head at me.
“What about you, Candy?” Lorraine asked. “Are you dating anyone?”
Jonah shot her a look, one that seemed to warn her to change the subject. According to Lorraine, my father told her about Jonah and me, and so I wondered why she’d ask if she knew there was once something between us.
“I’ve decided to become a nun, actually,” I replied, avoiding the question.
Jonah arched a brow at me. “You? A nun?”
I pretended to be offended. “What? Can’t you picture it?”
He laughed. “No.”
“You’re probably right. I wouldn’t be very good at it. I’ve never even seen Sister Act or The Sound of Music, and I can’t carry a tune to save my life.”
Lorraine chuckled, and Jonah shook his head in that way he had when I amused him in more of a cute way than a funny way.
“So, these are the pictures I was looking for when I went to your house,” I told Jonah, picking up a photograph of him as a kid with two front teeth missing. “The ones that are meant to be displayed so you can feel humiliated when your friends come over.”
“I didn’t know you took them when you left,” Jonah said to his mother.
Looking at the box of pictures, I thought of my own house and the memories inside it. “Will I ever be able to go home again?” I asked.
Jonah looked up from the photograph in his hand. His hesitant expression told me I wouldn’t like his answer.
He cleared his throat and put down the picture. “I don’t know.”
My chest grew tight at the thought of never going back there again. “What about all our things? What would happen to them?”
He hesitated, before shaking his head
When I stood there unmoving, feeling dazed, Lorraine put her hand on my arm. “They’re just things, Candy. You can replace things.”
I nodded, wiping quickly at my eyes so the tears didn’t fall.
“You’re thinking about your mother’s recipe book,” Jonah said.
I glanced up, amazed at how well he knew me. “That’s all I really care about.”
“It isn’t right,” Lorraine said, shaking her head. “The fact that they can do whatever they want and the law turns their back. No organization should be above the law the way they are.”
Jonah looked up, and our eyes caught over the box of photographs from his childhood. Everything was a mess and we both knew it, although Jonah was handling it better than I was. In fact, Jonah was oddly quiet and calm despite the fact he’d just gone against his father and been reunited with his mother.
As he looked at me with eyes that were steady and clear, not at all dazed and gritty like mine were, I tried to hide my yawns. It was only late afternoon but we’d been up all night, and the stress and exhaustion were catching up to me.
“You should rest,” Lorraine said to the both of us as she began gathering up the pictures. After putting the box of photographs away, she said she was going to the store before it closed since tonight was Christmas Eve and she didn’t have enough food in the house for all of us. She also offered to pick us up some clothes and other supplies, since all I had was what I’d run out the door with. It turned out that Jonah kept an emergency bag in his car with an extra phone charger, a change of clothes, and some money stashed in one of the pockets, so he was all set.
Lorraine placed a pillow and blanket on the couch that I’d slept on last time, and handed Jonah a folded inflatable mattress, telling him he could set it up in the office if he wanted.
I mentioned that Theo might stop by on Christmas day as Jonah tried to give her money for groceries, but she wouldn’t take any of it.
Once Lorraine was gone, lack of sleep and the aftermath of the adrenaline that had been pumping through my body left me so wiped out, I could barely keep my head up. Jonah took it upon himself to make up the couch for me and when he finished, I dropped down onto it and watched as he used the pump to inflate the mattress.
“Don’t put it in the office,” I said. “Stay in here with me.”
He stilled for a moment, but said nothing before he set it up on the floor beside the couch.
“Get some rest,” he said as he toed off his shoes and stretched out across the air mattress.
From my place on the couch, I stared down on Jonah. Lorraine had given him a blanket, but he hadn’t pulled it over himself. It lay wrinkled beside him as he stared up at the ceiling. He looked so alone and lost down there.
I got up and without looking at him or saying anything, I sat down beside him. Then I took the blanket and pulled it over the both of us as I lay down next to him.
“Are you okay?” I asked softly. “You’ve been really quiet.”
A smile briefly arched his lips. “I’m usually quiet.”
“Not this quiet.” I hesitated. “Do you think your father’s okay?”
He looked at me, but his expression was unreadable. “I don’t know.” After a pause, he added. “Probably. He’s a force of nature.”
I swallowed, thinking he was right. “Are you happy to see your mother?”
After a thoughtful moment, he nodded.
“Are you still angry with her about this?” I lightly touched his scar.
Jonah’s chest rose and he released a heavy sigh. “It’s not easy to change your thinking when you’ve believed something for a long time. Every time I looked in the mirror, I wondered where she went and how she could just walk away from us. I thought it was my fault because I was too ugly for her to stay.”
“What?” I put my hand on his chest. “You don’t really think that, do you?”
“She couldn’t even look at me anymore, and then she was gone. What was I supposed to think?”
“She was ashamed of herself, not you. After what happened, she thought you’d be better off without her.”
He grunted in disbelief.
“You don’t really think you’re ugly, do you? Is it somehow possible that you haven’t noticed girls falling all over themselves in school to get your attention?”
He smirked in that arrogant way I hadn’t seen in so long. My chest felt lighter, but the fact that he wasn’t as self-confident as he seemed endeared him to me even more.
“You understood it was an accident, didn’t you?”
His smile faded. “I knew she didn’t cut me on purpose, but I also thought she was angry at me. My father was starting to bring me into the organization, and she wasn’t happy about it. They fought a lot, but I had no idea he was hitting her. How could I not know that?”
“Neither of them wanted you to know.”
“I just don’t understand. I never saw him touch her.”
“You believe her, don’t you?”
Jonah’s gaze went to the bruises on my neck as he took my hand. “Of course I believe her. I just wish she’d told me. I could’ve helped her. She didn’t have to leave.”
“She thought she was protecting you. Your father was good at manipulating you both. He’s still good at it.”
He squeezed my hand. “Not anymore.”
“What if he’s okay and he says he forgives you? What would you do?”
His lips pressed together. “It doesn’t matter. I can’t forgive him.”
“If you don’t reconcile with him, you’re throwing away your career.”
He brushed the back of his hand lightly over my cheek. “Yeah, but it was never what I thought it was anyway. He said I wasn’t cut out for it, and maybe he was right.”
I looked at Jonah’s heavy expression and could see that he cared more than he was letting on. “I’m sorry for how this is turning out for you.”
“Don’t feel sorry for me, Candy. I’m going to be fine.” He released my hand and brushed his fingers across my cheek. My eyes slowly closed because his touch felt so good. His thumb rubbed over my lips, and he said my name. When I looked at him again, I could see that he wanted to kiss me, but he wasn’t moving.
Reaching my hand up, I brushed it over his rough cheek, slowly and gently, the way he’d done to me. I was giving him my answer, and I knew he understood when he brought his lips to mine.
I leaned into him, realizing how much I’d missed having him close. We opened our mouths together and deepened the kiss. My pulse raced, sending the blood speeding through my veins. Jonah was kissing me again, finally, but this was the first honest kiss we’d shared, and I felt it everywhere, seeping inside me. It was addictive, this feeling, better than the sunniest day and the richest chocolate. Jonah and I weren’t only physically close; I felt close to him in every sense. He wasn’t just another person in my life, he was something more.
When his warm hand spread over the bare skin beneath my sweater, I arched my back and sighed. The next thing I knew, I was moving through the air as he picked me up and set me down on the mattress beneath him.
We kissed until we were both breathing hard, our limbs tangled together, our hands all over each other. Just when things were starting to feel too desperate, Jonah stilled above me.
“I want to touch you,” he said, his voice a low rasp.
I nodded and continued to kiss him. He stopped me, holding my face to get m
y attention. “I want to touch you, Candy.”
I blinked, bringing him into focus. When I nodded, he grinned and I smiled back, but gasped the next moment when his fingers slipped beneath my bra. As his warm hand covered me, I tilted my head back. This wasn’t the first time I’d been touched there, but it had never been Jonah doing the touching. There was a world of difference in the way he made me feel compared to anyone else.
His hands felt incredible on my body, and his lips followed each touch. He kissed me everywhere, and the deep sounds he made told me he liked it as much as I did. Every sensation he coaxed from me was beyond anything I’d felt before. I’d heard how much better it could be when you were with someone you cared about, and I knew I cared about Jonah because no boy had ever made me feel as beautiful and purposeful as he had. Jonah called me beautiful so many times, I’d lost count.
He also knew when it was time to stop.
“When the time is right, I want you to be mine, Candy. And I want to be yours.”
I bit down on my lip as my chest filled with flutters. He’d said something similar before in the hallway at school.
“I don’t want to lose you, Candy. I already feel like you’re mine.”
At the time, I didn’t know if I could believe him. I knew better now.
As we lay side by side on the mattress, Jonah’s long muscled body stretched out next to mine, I skimmed my fingers over his arm and watched the goose bumps form on his skin, liking that my touch could do that to him.
“Hey, Candy,” he whispered.
I looked from his skin up to his glittering eyes.
“I was falling in love with you before everything went wrong. And I’m still falling.”
My fingers stopped moving.
Jonah smiled gently. “Even though there’s a good chance you’re going to break my heart, I want you to know it’s yours.”
His words hit me harder than I could have imagined, even though I had some idea he felt this way. “Jonah,” I whispered his name, blinking against the tears in my eyes.
“It’s okay,” he said as if he expected my reaction. “You don’t have to say anything back.”
