My father’s voice echoed like a clanging church bell in my mind. Over and over. Divorce.
They broke up with each other.
Holding my cold, sweating hand, Mom explained, “When you got so angry with us last weekend, we realized the terrible mistakes we’ve made these past months.”
They broke up with each other.
“We were so self-involved that we didn’t notice just how hard it must be for you, honey. All the shouting and arguing. You deserve a quiet home, Susan. A loving home, not a broken one like this is.”
They broke up with each other.
“We both love you,” Dad said in a very quiet voice and caressed my cheek. “We just don’t love each other the way we should anymore. You finally made us realize that we can’t keep doing what we’re doing, or we’re going to hurt you even more in the process.”
Oh my God.
I was mistaken.
They didn’t break up with each other…
I broke them up.
And I’d thought Chris was my biggest problem these days.
Unable to deal with the situation, I had to get out, or I was going to faint. There was so much to take, I could hardly stomach it in this moment. I needed to get fresh air in my lungs. Get some distance between us and get my mind sorted. Get to a place where I could break down. Without them around…
I rose from the chair and focused on the door, the only way out of this. Everything happened in absolute slow motion. Like someone had trapped me in a film and was making me live through the worst seconds in my life, dragging them out to last torturing hours instead.
“Susan,” my mother called to me from very far away, her voice barely audible through the haze surrounding my mind. “Where…are…you…going?”
“Away from here.” The words, like everything else, dragged on like rubber.
The last thing I heard was my dad’s calming voice as I walked out of the house. “Let her go, Sally.”
With no direction in mind, it was a miracle my legs even carried me all the way down to the ocean. Walking the same way I had with Ethan last weekend, the images of how we’d tried to sneak past my fighting parents and how I’d screamed at them played in front of my eyes. Time and again. I tried to figure out where I should have taken a different path that night so none of this would have happened. But the truth was, the course had already been set the night before.
If only I had stuck with my decision not to go on that date to the Donovan house. My family would still be a family, and my heart wouldn’t have been broken twice this week.
I wished I could let myself fall someplace quiet and just cry. My throat was thick and tight, and my lungs hurt every single time I took a breath, but the relieving tears just wouldn’t come.
And suddenly, I didn’t want to walk on any longer. I didn’t want to be alone right now. I longed for a shoulder to cry on, for someone’s arms to hold me so all the pain would come out in a well of tears. More than anything, I wanted to be with Ethan right now. He’d already proven that he understood my hurting. He’d become my best friend; one I needed to hold me right now.
But my phone was in my schoolbag on the kitchen floor in my broken home, so I couldn’t call him. School was over by now, so he should be home. Since I was closer to his house than mine, I headed that way.
Leaving the beach, I walked the last mile to his street. When the white façade of his house came into view, a surge of a different kind of pain swamped me and made me stop in my tracks. What if Chris was there? Not ready to face him, I didn’t want to let that ache take hold, but it was at that moment that the first tears squeezed out of my eyes. I struggled to dab at them faster than they came, but the wet stream continued to flow. Everything put together was just too much to cope with.
Mustering all my courage and strength, I walked up to Ethan’s door and rang the bell. I could break when he was there to catch me.
The door opened seconds later. In front of me stood a guy in jeans and a black hoodie, barefoot, his hair wet after a shower. It could be either of the twins.
I cleared my throat. “Hi, um—”
He folded his arms over his chest, successfully creating distance. “Chris.”
“Right.” Why had I even bothered hoping for this not to happen? My voice wavered. “Is Ethan home?”
“Soccer practice.”
If things weren’t already bad enough, I would have slapped myself for being so stupid as to forget that. Once again, a warm drop trailed down my check and I rubbed it away. “Okay, um—” I shook my head. “Never mind.”
About to turn around and walk away, Chris reached out and tilted my chin up with his knuckle. “Susan, why are you crying?” he asked with such soft determination that I froze on the doorstep. The anger and distance were gone from his face, like a storm had wiped them away. No, not a storm. Sincere worry.
It was that look on him that shattered my control. My knees buckled. Chris must have seen it coming even before I did, because he grabbed my arms and pulled me against him before I fell.
When he hugged me tight to his chest, my own arms came up, my fingers digging into the hood of his soft sweatshirt behind his neck. “I broke up my parents!”
“You did what?”
The feeling of his hand brushing tenderly through my hair gave me a little bit of comfort. The dam broke and I finally shed all the tears that hadn’t wanted to come at the beach. “My parents are getting divorced. It’s my fault!”
“Tell me what happened,” Chris said in the softest voice.
I clung to him harder and tried to get some air into my lungs, which hurt. “I went home after third period today. My parents were both home.” I sniffed and coughed, with more sobs escaping. “They told me they want to get divorced. They’ve been fighting for so long, and last weekend—” My voice broke on a hiccup. “…Last weekend, Ethan wanted to see my room. I showed him. But my parents started fighting again—they didn’t know we were home. It was so embarrassing. I said some horrible things to them. Then I ran away.”
Wiping my eyes on his hoodie when he wrapped his arms tighter around me, the rest came out in a hoarse croak. “They didn’t fight after that. I thought things would finally work out. But it just got worse. They must have been plotting this all week. Today, they told me they didn’t want to be together anymore. Because of me. Because of what I said to them. They said they don’t want to hurt me with their fighting. But I don’t want them to break up because of me.”
Chris was silent all this time and just let me fall apart in his arms. Even now, when there were only sobs coming out and no more words, he didn’t let me go. Embracing like this, we stood in his open door for what seemed like an eternity.
Eventually, he eased his hold and let me slip away so he could look at me and brushed the wet strands of my hair from my face with a few clumsy moves. He wiped the remaining trail of tears from my cheek with his thumb. Sternly looking into my eyes, he said, “Sweetness, you certainly did not break up your parents. They have some shit to deal with, but it’s not your fault.”
I didn’t know why, but when he called me sweetness, I wanted to break down all over again. It was a good thing he took my hand and pulled me into the house, closing the door. That was enough distraction to help me keep my crap together.
Chris led me to his room, making me sit down on his bed near the window. Pulling the cuffs of my pink sweater over the heels of my hands, I rubbed my eyes dry with them. From a drawer in his desk, Chris fetched a pack of tissues and gave me one. After he watched me clean my nose and eyes, he ordered, “Don’t go away. I’ll be right back.”
My throat felt dry, like somebody had sandpapered it. Words wouldn’t come out anyway, so I didn’t ask him where he was going but only nodded. As soon as he was out the door, it dawned on me where I actually was. An uncomfortable feeling crept into the pit of my stomach.
Chris had caught my fall, but too much stood between us after this week. The image of his fingers intertwined w
ith those of a blonde made me stand up from his bed and find a more neutral place to sit. But truth be told, there wasn’t a single corner in this room where I’d be comfortable, so I just walked to the window and gazed out into the backyard where he and Ethan had played basketball last weekend.
My life had been good. Maybe too good for too long. No serious trouble. Good friends to hang out with. Good grades to show off. And a first, amazing kiss that will always stay in my memory. But nothing was sunshine and roses forever. I should have known…
A soft cough beside me made me aware that Chris had returned. He put a steaming cup in my hand.
At my inquiring look, he told me with the shadow of a smile, “Tea is good for the soul.”
The sweet scent of strawberry and vanilla drifted to my nose. I took a sip and warmed my hands on the cup for a while, letting my gaze wander back to the yard.
Chris remained at my side. He stood so close, our arms touched. Though it also hurt on a certain level, it felt good to be near him again. After a deep breath, he said, “You’re lucky your parents still have that base where they talk to each other and to you about things like a divorce. When my parents broke up, they’d long gone past that point.”
He didn’t sound sad, like he was trying to come to terms with his own problems. No, he just sounded like he wanted to ease me into a conversation, give me a chance to get things off my chest. I tilted my head and studied him as he continued to gaze out the window. “How was it for you?” I asked a moment later.
“Well, it was pretty hard at first.” He shrugged, casting me a sorrowful grimace. “I came home one day, and my dad was no longer here. No goodbye, no letter, no phone call. He was just gone.”
Man, that sucked. For a brief moment, I did count myself lucky.
“The first sign of life Ethan and I got from him was after two freaking months, and I know he only called because Mom begged him to talk to us. She was the one who saw how we suffered every day, not him.”
I took another sip of my tea, my eyes glued to the side of his face. “What did he say to you that day?”
“Something about how he needed time to sort out his life and shit. Well, he did sort it out pretty quickly. He moved in with his secretary two days after he moved out of here.” When Chris laughed, it didn’t hold that bitter sound Ethan had adopted when he’d first told me that his father wouldn’t be home for dinner. To me, it seemed like Chris had found a way to deal with his parents living separated. Ethan might not have.
“Two years ago, I started seeing my dad again. Not often, just for birthdays and Christmas and maybe one or two other times a year. That’s all right now. We have a comfortable relationship.”
“And Ethan?” I just couldn’t get around asking.
“It was harder for him. Ethan never forgave him. They haven’t seen each other once since the day my dad moved out. I believe Ethan just needs a little more time. Maybe when we’re at college, or just one day…whenever.” After a quiet pause, Chris turned to me and hooked some loose strands behind my ear. “The fact that your parents talk to you about it and even try to do what they think is best for you means they care a lot for you. You’re not breaking them up. If anything, you were the one holding them together. But you can’t do that forever.”
He took the cup out of my hands and placed it on the desk behind me, then he pulled me into another careful hug. “And know what the best thing about it all is?”
There actually was a good side to all this? I lifted my head, pressing my chin against his sternum, and scrutinized his face.
“The fights will stop,” he said softly.
No shouting, no screaming, and no crying? A deep sigh escaped me at that prospect. But no matter what, I’d rather have both my parents in the same house with me. I just couldn’t imagine a time when one of them wouldn’t be around. Maybe I could plead with them to give it one more try…
Taking another deep breath, Chris’s familiar scent filled my head, and for a second it felt like I could take a step away from my body and look at the situation from an outer angle. I wasn’t crying any longer, but still, Chris was holding me tight. Something was completely wrong about that.
Carefully, I detached from his embrace and picked up the cup of tea once more to have something other than him to hold on to. Chris certainly noticed my subtle retreat. He stiffened and a muscle started to tick in his jaw at the same time a frown pulled his brows together. It was like only now he remembered he actually didn’t want to talk to me ever again.
All of a sudden, I couldn’t bear being in the same room with him any longer. “I should go,” I mumbled, handing him the almost empty cup, and whirled around to head out. But Chris held my hand, stopping me.
“Wait.” His voice held a soft plea that actually made me turn back to him.
He looked at me for an immeasurable moment. The arctic cold from this morning was nowhere to be felt. In fact, his gaze was quite heated, giving me goosebumps of a warmer kind. There was something burning on his mind—maybe an explanation as to why he’d kissed me and kicked me to the curb the same night—only, he remained silent.
Discomfort grew inside me. “What is it?”
“I—” He turned away from me, putting the cup on the ledge, and stared out the window.
If it helped him not to look at me, all right, but would he spit it out already? Because his hesitation was making me uneasy. “What, Chris?”
From behind, I saw how his chest expanded as he took a deep breath with obvious bravery. For a tiny moment, I wanted to slip out of the room and run away. Whatever he had to say wouldn’t be nice. And I’d had so much ugly already today.
“Fine!” he spat through gritted teeth and whirled back to face me. “Tell me one thing. Why did you let me kiss you last weekend and then sleep with my brother the same night?”
Sleep with his brother? Was he having a mental breakdown? I narrowed my eyes in response. “What bullshit are you talking about?”
His gaze hardened. “You tell me.”
“There isn’t anything to tell,” I almost shouted. “I didn’t sleep with Ethan. What in the world made you come up with something so stupid?”
“You came back that night with him—or should I say, in the morning?” he snapped with a cynical edge, folding his arms across his chest. “And you sneaked out before sunrise.”
My mouth fell open. “How did you get that out of Ethan?”
“I didn’t have to. I heard you.”
Good. Ethan hadn’t broken his promise. Funnily enough, I found myself mirroring Chris’s stance after that. “And your point is?”
“Wha—” He huffed and cut himself off, throwing his arms in the air. “That you spent the night with him? Obviously. And after you kissed me the same day!” His accusation came out on a bark that made me back off a step. Realizing he might have taken it a notch too far, he calmed quickly. His voice became soft and a little sullen even. “I thought you liked it.”
Oh my word, did I like kissing him? I’d freaking slept with his bandana the entire week, because I loved it so much! Suddenly, things clicked into place. He hadn’t abandoned me because the challenge was over. He was jealous.
A surge of wonder along with anger rushed through me. “I spent the night here for the reasons I told you fifteen minutes ago. I had a fight with my parents and ran off. But I didn’t have sex with your brother.” Taking another step backward, I knocked into his bed and slumped down on the soft mattress, exhaling a long breath. “I can’t believe that you’d really think that. And if you were so sure, why didn’t you ask Ethan?” With more annoyance, I added, “For Christ’s sake, why didn’t you ask me?”
He decided not to answer that question, because we both knew all it would have taken was a reply to my text…which he had refused to do all week. When he did say something, his voice was low, like that of a hurt little boy. “Are you saying I hit rock bottom over nothing?”
Rock bottom? Was that the truth? He hadn’t looked really mi
serable to me all of last week. “I’m saying, please, for once in your life, think before you act. Do you know what a horrible week I’ve had because of you?”
Chris stared at me with a blank expression. He leaned back against the windowsill, grabbing the edge. “What do you mean? I thought you were feeling miserable because of your parents.”
Dammit, I shouldn’t have let that slip. I wanted to bite off my tongue. Lowering my head and resting my forehead in my cupped hands, I mumbled, “Yeah, that too.”
“So what did I have to do with it?”
“Nothing. Forget it.” Now that he’d revealed the reason he was a dick all week, I didn’t want to talk about my hurt feelings anymore. He had a way of exposing me that made me uncomfortable. But of course, he wouldn’t let it go.
“Susan?”
“Hm?” Lowering my hands to my lap, I looked at them instead of him.
Chris hesitated a beat, then he asked in a soft voice, “Why did you go home after third period today?”
Of course, now, of all times, he would remember that little detail of my story. I didn’t want to answer him, I really didn’t.
“Susan,” he pushed again, and even without me looking up, his quiet footsteps revealed he was coming toward me. “Tell me.”
I shook my head.
“Why not?” He hunkered down in front of me and tipped my chin up so I would look at him. I hated that he saw how my eyes had glazed over again. “Tell me why you left school after we ran into each other in the hallway today.”
I shouldn’t have had to, because he knew already. He knew that he’d hurt me, and now he was hurting me again by forcing the truth out of me. His hand slipped away from my face, his knees lowered to the floor, and he sank back on his heels. Even though the only broken person in this room was me, he suddenly looked like he was the broken one. With a sigh, he surrendered.
He reached out for my hands, and they felt cold against his. When he laced our fingers, I didn’t protest because, frankly, I was too exhausted at this point.
“I’m sorry I hurt you,” he said in a whisper so low that it was barely audible in this quiet house. “But she means nothing.”
Dating Trouble (Grover Beach Team Book 5) Page 20
