by Renee Travis
Grandma didn't like the way mom treated me and my illness. She wanted to try acupuncture, an herbalist, some holistic healing. My mother had called her a crackpot and said that until she got such foolishness out of her mind, grandma wasn't allowed in our home.
Dad and mom got in a pretty big fight that night, but like always dad gave in. I used to think my mother was a wonderful, special woman and dad was lucky she married him, now it's totally the other way around.
"Yes really, now go upstairs and do your homework." Dad winked and went back to the papers he'd been grading when I interrupted him.
I went up to my baby pink painted room (my mother's choice, as if you couldn't guess) and became engrossed, not in studying, but looking through my meager wardrobe for something that Julian might actually think I looked sexy in. About an hour into my (I wish) frantic clothing search, I heard my mother's voice, yelling at my father. Cringing I sank down to my pink ruffled day bed (another thing I hated in my room) holding the red tank top I'd finally decided on. I was doomed. There was no way she would let me out of the house that night.
I glanced at the alarm clock on one of my matching mahogany bookshelves, 5 p.m. hopefully they'd wrap up the screamfest before 6:30 so I could get in the shower. I sat there listening to the tones in my parents' voices until there was silence. I stood up slowly and sat down at the vanity that matched my shelves and stared at the gold antique mirror across from me, staring at my softly squared face, hoping that maybe, just once, my mother would think about what I wanted and not what she thought was best for me.
My eyes darted to my door as I heard the rapid knock, and before I could say "come in," the door opened. My mother stood on the threshold, her eyes just like mine; she was a bit taller than me and much thinner. She had shoulder-length light brown hair and was rather unremarkable in looks; you know, not plain, yet not pretty either.
"Rhodanthe," she began, "your father and I have talked and while I don’t really think a dance is a good idea," she said, worry underlying her tone, "he has convinced me that maybe keeping you locked up in this house isn't good for you...socially." I tried my best not to scream out the 'YIP' that was building in my throat.
I looked over her shoulder and saw my father standing just behind her, he gave me an exaggerated shoulder roll, and I bit my lip to keep myself from smiling.
"So, we shall let this....boy...take you to the dance tonight, but you have to be home by 11:30; no dancing, no caffeine, no jumping or screaming or too much sugar, or anything else that could make you...excited." Mom gave me an all-knowing look that grossed me out a little.
"But I can go? For real?" I asked, a little breathless, mom's eyes narrowed.
"Yes, but let's not make a habit of this, OK?" I nodded quickly and she turned and left. Dad gave me a thumbs up, leaned in and shut my door.
I have never wished I could jump up and down for joy more.
Chapter 2
As I heard the door bell ring exactly at 7:30, I placed my hands on the bathroom counter to steady myself as I felt my blood pressure lowering. Please Gods don’t let me faint in front of this boy. Taking a few deep breaths, I straightened up to examine myself in the mirror; the dark red tank top and long black gypsy skirt I'd chosen seemed to be working out pretty well, showing off my curves but not so much that mom and dad would freak out.
I had mom do my hair in one long braid and it lay against my back, restraining my curls. I heard my parents making small talk down stairs and figured I'd better hurry up if I didn’t want them to alienate Julian. I walked slowly down the stairs and, just like in so many stupid movies I adored, three pairs of eyes turned to me. Amusement, disapproval and something I didn't recognize were reflected in the colored depths looking up at me.
Julian looked wonderful in black slacks and a deep blue tight T-shirt. I couldn't believe he was taking me to the dance. As I got closer to him, his scent hit me and I trembled. It was a sweet musky rose scent that on any other boy would have just been...off. I stopped just in front of him and my mother handed me a small black purse.
"Now your cell phone, keys and....everything is in your purse. Call us if anything happens, and I mean anything," said my mother, turning with a pointed look at Julian.
"Now Bethy, leave them alone. Go and have a great time Rose," my father smiled and leaned over, kissing my cheek. I could only give him a relief-filled gaze.
I slipped on the black sandals that were against the wall near the door and felt Julian's cool hand rest against my back. It was a light touch but one that made me jump a little. He leaned past me and opened the front door and before I could blink we were standing outside, my front door shut and I felt something I hadn't felt since before I was ten years old: freedom.
I walked into the front yard and drew a deep breath into my lungs; warm air filling them and I could smell the faint odor of the rice fields burning near Biggs; a smell that was the definition of late summer. The sun was just beginning to set, splashes of pink spilling onto the gold and blue of the horizon; it was perhaps the most perfect moment of my life.
"Shall we Rose?" I heard Julian's soft voice just next to my ear, his warm breath, smelling faintly floral, brushed my cheek.
I turned swiftly and found myself inches from his face and his lips, my heart began to race and I struggled to bring it under control. Julian's eyes widened and he placed his hand on my cheek.
"Breathe my Rose blossom, calm, what's wrong... your heart..." he trailed off and dropped his hand looking away.
"You can..." I swallowed, heart under control, "hear my heartbeat?"
"Forget it, come on," Julian linked his fingers with mine and pulled me toward his truck, a large Ford F-150, black with a red stripe going from front to back and chrome trim. My dad was way into that show 'Over Hauling’, so I knew a little about cars. It was high off the ground so I had to jump a little to get into it. As I settled into the seat I noticed that it smelled just like Julian; it was exciting and soothing at the same time.
Julian got in and looked over at me, "I drive kind of fast, is that OK?"
"Oh, um yes, I guess," I shrugged; no one really went over the speed limit with me in the car. I could never understand that, cars and driving didn’t excite me...much.
Julian started the engine and he drove the roads to our high school like he owned them. The drive seemed to take seconds, he drove fast and sure of himself and the machine under his hands. Making sure I kept control of my own being, I just stared at my hands, the silence almost unbearable. I couldn't even hear his breathing, though I'm sure he could hear mine.
He pulled into a parking space at the school and shut off the truck. One of my hands was pressed against the leather on the seat, the other clenched in my lap. I'm sure my color was bad and my eyes wide, the drive had been wonderful and something I'd never experienced before, but like all things I'd never experience, it had made me feel a little sick inside.
"Are you alright Rose?" he asked me, leaning across the seat to take my hand; he brought it to his lips pausing almost in time to my heart skipping a beat. His lips feathered across my knuckles, eyes locking with mine.
"Yes, I'm fine, you just drive really fast," I blurted, biting down on my lip.
He laughed and let go of my hand, and faster than was natural, he was out of the vehicle opening my door, I recoiled a bit at the speed, sure I was seeing things.
"Let's go. I'm sure Mel and Killian are dying to see you," Julian held out his hand and I, hesitantly, placed mine in his, amazed, again, at the low temperature of his skin. He squeezed my hand and then wrapped both around my waist, easily lifting me out and putting me on the ground. It was a funny sensation; I hadn't been picked up since I was little.
The school was lit up almost better than Christmas and I could hear strains of music flowing through the walls that surrounded the quad as Julian led the way. (The quad was a grassy area in the middle of the school surrounded by four walls.) We came to a set of heavy blue doors that were usually clos
ed but tonight were wide open. The quad was covered in colored lights, tables holding punch bowls and food, and almost the whole senior class.
When we walked in I heard my name called from near a large tree in the corner, Mel was sitting in the grass in the tightest dress she could get away with at a school function. Well to say she was sitting in the grass was not entirely correct. In all actuality she was sitting on Killian's lap who was sitting in the grass. She jumped up as Julian and I came closer.
"Rho, you look amazing! I still can't believe your parents let you out of the house. I mean Bethy never lets you go anywhere. Remember last year all the crap I had to go through just to get permission to take you to my aunt's in San Francisco for two days?" Mel, like normal, babbled at me.
Julian looked a little confused, almost as if he didn’t have all the pieces to a puzzle, "Overprotective are they?"
"Overprotective? Rho's parents are crazy; girl's not allowed to go anywhere or do anything," Killian snorted.
"Shut up Killian," I said, feeling extremely uncomfortable. Julian obviously didn’t know what was wrong with me and I really didn’t want our first and probably only date marred by my....condition.
Mel smiled at me as one of her favorite songs came over the DJ's speakers. Killian pulled her off into the horde of dancing teens. I just watched her go, envy filling me. I squashed it quickly, I was, after all, at the dance and one couldn't always have their cake and eat it too, as dumb as I thought that phrase was.
"Would you like to dance with me?" Julian asked as I remembered he was standing next to me.
"Yes, but I-" before I could finish the sentence Julian had practically seized me off my feet, pulling me into the dancing crowd. He held me so close and tight I could barely even move to dance, his lips so close to my ear I could feel the soft tickle of his words as he whispered them, "You look beautiful tonight you know."
We moved together in a rhythm I knew couldn’t come from my unskilled body, it was impossible that with a body that had no practice I could be creating the sensuality I was feeling.
Julian on the other hand was moving beautifully to the music under my hands, which were resting on his arm, fiery against his chilled skin.
I was smiling as his hand crept from my waist to my hips, rocking me in time with the music, the feel of him pressed against me was making me forget, making me tremble with delight, happiness and something else I couldn’t quite name. It wasn't until I began to shake with cold that I started paying attention to my own body. My heart beat had sped up to twice its normal state and my breath was beginning to come in gasps.
"Rho! What are you doing? Julian stop, stop!" I heard Mel's angry voice in a haze; my vision had begun to darken. Suddenly Julian and I stopped, I saw his concerned and frightened face so close to mine, and his lips were forming words that I couldn't understand.
I felt warm hands on my goose bump ridden flesh, and Mel's face appeared in my vision. Julian was still holding me tightly against him and I was thankful for that, the hard feel of him was the only thing not sending me completely into a panicked state.
"Where is your purse? Did you leave it with mine?" Mel asked quickly, I nodded, my legs going out from under me. I felt Julian sweep me into his arms. I could tell, as we followed Mel to the tree, he was walking fast, but not as fast as I had seen him move before.
"Rose, what's wrong?" I heard his words more through his chest than his mouth; he had me curled up in his arms like he was afraid to let me go.
"She didn't tell you?" Mel asked. I turned my head to her, trying to breathe slowly as my heart jumped and paused.
Julian looked down at me in concern as the beating in my chest stopped, it was frightening but it had happened so often I didn't fear it...much. I couldn't breathe in the few seconds my heart stopped but I knew in that split moment that Julian could hear my heart and hear it well. It was as if time slowed, and then it sped back up as my heart tried, frantically, to catch up.
"Here, swallow, quickly," Mel pressed a little blue pill between my lips and through years of practice I swallowed it with no problem. Julian sat down, effortlessly, with me still in his arms and began to rock me, stroking my face, murmuring words to me in a language I didn't understand.
As the medicine hit my system, Julian's embrace slackened just a little, and I wondered if it was in response to my h eartbeat coming back to normal. I sighed; it always felt good to be able to breathe again. I tilted my head back and looked at Julian's face.
"You can put me down now if you want to," I said, resigned. After this little stunt I'd be lucky if he even looked at me in the hallway again, let alone spoke to me.
"And why would I ever want to do that?" he asked, giving me a strained smile.
"You don’t need to be nice to me, I understand if you don’t want to....see me anymore," I felt stupid and the pink filling my cheeks probably screamed immature and embarrassed.
I looked over to see that once she had realized I was safe and in good hands, Mel had begun her favorite pastime: making out with Killian. They were hidden by the shadows of the tree a bit but I could tell Mrs. Dorrean the Home Ec teacher was keeping an eye on them in case their snog fest became greater than a hard PG.
"I am not just being nice to you my Rose, haven’t you figured it out yet?" Julian asked me, reaching over and turning my face back to his, "I am not going anywhere. I really like you and plan to stay right here until you are tired of me."
I gasped, and swallowed quickly, "But...you've never even spoken to me before!" I exclaimed.
"You are so shy I didn’t know how you would feel about me introducing myself and then yesterday I noticed you staring at me," Julian raised an eyebrow, "and figured Study Skills would be the best, if only, chance I had to ask you out."
"Oh, Julian...." I stammered, completely taken back. Julian cupped my face with his hands and leaned forward; before I could realize his intent he pressed his lips against mine. His arms circled my waist and pulled me tighter to him until I could feel every inch of him against me. I opened my lips, breathing him in, his scent, his taste, I heard him groan as his own lips parted, deepening our kiss. As my heart began to speed up again I felt him sigh, warm breath mingling with my own.
He pulled back, "Ah Rose, I can hear your heart so loudly in my own ears, now tell me what is wrong with you."
I blinked dreamily up at him, he was still so close and the feel of him next to me, knowing he actually wanted me, made the euphoria already filling my weak system even stronger. I hadn't been this happy since, well since I was eight and we had gone to Disneyland; it had been before the doctors had diagnosed my condition.
"I'll tell you if you answer my question first," I said, slowly. There was something weird about Julian and I needed to know what it was.
"Granted," he whispered, brushing his lips quickly against mine again, I inhaled, totally smitten.
"What's wrong with you? No one should be able to hear every beat, missed or not, of my heart," I said. Was it my imagination again or had he seemed to pull back a little bit when I asked?
"I am...different," Julian began; I could tell he was really considering what to tell me. "There are things I can't tell you right now, but know that I would never harm you and that I will protect you and care for you, always." The words were awfully formal and he seemed to have difficulty telling me.
"Will you ever be able to tell me?" I asked.
"Yes, just not yet. There are things I do that are not normal, like hearing your heart beat; can you just...accept them for right now?" He leaned in a little closer, staring into my eyes.
"Of course," I sighed, "now my turn...when I was 10 I was diagnosed with arrhythmia of the tachycardia type. It's a heart disease where excitement of any kind makes my heart race or skip and sputter. It makes my breathing difficult and sometimes I pass out." I watched as his face froze, like he was trying to contain his emotion before responding.
"Will it kill you?" He asked, quietly in a dangerous tone.
"It can if I don’t take my medicine and don’t follow my doctor's orders." I told him.
"So the dancing..." he trailed off.
"Yes, or anything that could naturally cause my heart to race." I smiled, sadly.
"What about this?" Julian captured my lips again, fiercely, like he had something to prove, my lips were so hot against his the clash between us made me shiver and respond to him more than I should have.
Breaking the kiss Julian placed his hands on my shoulders, "I can hear your heart race," he whispered, "is a kiss on the list of things you can't have?"
"It's on my mother's list," I licked my lips and watched as his eyes widened in response, "but I think if we are very careful it's OK."
"Then we shall be very, very careful. I wish you had told me before about your heart. I would never do anything that might hurt you, my Rose blossom." Julian stood up, holding me at the same time and gently placing me on the ground in front of him.
"I should get you home, you've given me and Mel a fright tonight and I think you should go to bed," Julian drew his finger down the side of my cheek, "you're still a little pale and I'd feel better if tomorrow when I come to call you looked rosy again."
"You're...you're coming over tomorrow?" I squeaked, tomorrow was Saturday and I was almost never allowed out of the house.
"Yes, I think you can expect to see...a lot of me from now on," Julian grinned.
"My parents will freak, they'll never allow me out," I told him.
"Then I'll just have to come inside." Julian looked over to where Mel and Killian were, they had stopped making out and Mel was watching me with a peculiar expression on her face. "Quickly, go say goodnight. I feel she's worried about you, especially with me."
I nodded and backed away from him, and turning as quickly as I safely could, walked over to Mel. She met me halfway, leaving Killian to stand and stare after her.
