Dork Diaries 12

by Rachel Renée Russell

  !!

  FRIDAY—8:00 P.M.

  IN MY BEDROOM

  Chloe and Zoey came over after school. We ordered pizza and hung out.

  I confessed to my BFFs that after all the senseless DRAMA with Tiffany at NHH, I was a little worried about spending an entire week with Andrea.

  I mean, WHAT if Tiffany and Andrea were friends?!

  Andrea could be a selfie-addicted drama queen too!

  Chloe and Zoey came up with an idea that was pure GENIUS!

  They said it might help if I sent a friendly e-mail to Andrea introducing myself BEFORE we officially meet on Monday.

  So that’s exactly what I did. . . .

  ***************

  Hi,

  My name is Nikki, and I’m going to be your student ambassador at Westchester Country Day. I’m looking forward to meeting you on Monday. If you have any questions, just let me know and I’ll be happy to answer them (as long as they’re NOT about geometry homework). Take care !

  Nikki

  ***************

  As soon as I hit the send button, I immediately started to have second thoughts.

  What if Andrea thought my e-mail was silly and that I was really immature for my age ?!

  I was surprised when about fifteen minutes later an e-mail from Andrea popped into my inbox. Wow! That was FAST!

  ***************

  Hi, Nikki,

  Thanks for the e-mail. I’m really looking forward to meeting you, too.

  To be quite honest, I’m a little nervous about spending the week at WCD. And I’m even more nervous about pop quizzes in geometry!

  Any advice or tips you could give me about fitting in at WCD and NOT completely HUMILIATING myself would be greatly appreciated.

  A-

  ***************

  Hi, A-,

  Don’t worry! Like at most schools, the majority of students at WCD are pretty nice. Just avoid the mean girls and the super-annoying guys and you’ll be fine. None of the guys have made fun of my hairy legs. Lately !

  I can’t wait for you to meet my BFFs, Chloe and Zoey. And Brandon, too. He’s my crush and a TOTAL CUTIE! You can just call us Branikki! But PLEASE don’t tell him I said that (LOL). We’ll all be hanging out together. It’s going to be fun !

  Nikki

  ***************

  Hi, Nikki,

  Thanks for the advice. I feel a lot better already. I’m glad you’re my student ambassador.

  I just transferred to NHH a few weeks ago, so I haven’t made any friends here yet. You’re lucky to have friends like Chloe, Zoey, and Brandon. I can’t wait to meet all of you.

  A-

  ***************

  Hi, A-,

  Being the new kid totally sucks! Been there, done that, got the T-shirt!

  I was recently at NHH for this same program, so we may have even passed each other in the halls. I met some nice kids there and made a lot of new friends. You should definitely consider joining the NHH Science Club! We’ll talk more when you get here. Have a great weekend !

  Nikki

  ***************

  Chloe and Zoey’s idea worked like a charm!

  After our e-mails, it almost feels like Andrea and I already know each other.

  She seems really nice and has a wacky sense of humor.

  I can’t wait to introduce her to the NHH Science Club members.

  To give Andrea a really warm welcome, I came up with the COOLEST idea.

  I made a welcome sign out of hot pink glitter.

  I think she’s going to LOVE it! . . .

  Well, at least Andrea is NOT a self-absorbed, psychotic SOCIOPATH (like some people I know).

  Okay, I’ll admit I was wrong!

  It looks like this student ambassador thing is NOT going to be a major PAIN IN THE BEHIND after all.

  It’s going to be FUN!

  And I might end up making a REALLY good friend!

  !!

  SATURDAY, MAY 24—NOON

  IN MY BACKYARD

  Today was Daisy’s first doggie obedience session with Brandon, and I could hardly wait.

  Since he volunteers several times a week at Fuzzy Friends, he’s an excellent dog trainer. I had no doubt that very soon Daisy was going to be the best-trained dog in the entire city.

  I was even thinking about entering her in one of those SUPERfancy dog shows. You know, where snobby people prance around with their snobby dogs in front of a snobby judge and the winner gets a big trophy.

  In a few months, THAT could be US!

  SQUEEEEEEEE !

  And Brandon will there with Daisy and me to capture it all. . . .

  DAISY WINS BEST IN SHOW!!

  Daisy and I sat in the backyard and listened carefully as Brandon enthusiastically explained her first lesson. . . .

  DAISY’S FIRST TRAINING SESSION WITH BRANDON!

  First Brandon attached the leash to Daisy’s collar.

  Then, to get her to walk, he offered her a doggie treat from a few feet away.

  My job was to walk slowly around the yard with Daisy on the leash as she followed Brandon and his treats.

  If Daisy calmly followed him, he praised her and rewarded her with more treats.

  However, if she got distracted or started pulling on the leash, I’d stand firmly in place until she stopped misbehaving.

  Daisy caught on really fast.

  And soon she was walking around the backyard on her leash like a pro.

  Until she got bored and decided it would be more fun to hang out with a SQUIRREL. . . .

  DAISY, TRYING TO MAKE FRIENDS WITH A SQUIRREL

  My silly dog chased that squirrel around and around in circles until . . .

  BRANDON AND I FOUND OURSELVES A LITTLE, UM . . . TANGLED UP!!

  “BAD DOG, DAISY! BAD DOG!” I yelled.

  “NO, DAISY! NO!” Brandon said, reprimanding her sternly.

  But she just sat there, staring at us all innocent-like with her big brown puppy-dog eyes, pretending she didn’t have the slightest idea how we’d gotten all tied up like that.

  OMG!

  It was so EMBARRASSING!

  And EXCITING!

  And FUN!

  And kind of ROMANTIC!

  We couldn’t help but laugh at how ridiculous we looked as we tried to untangle ourselves from Daisy’s leash.

  In spite of the squirrel FIASCO, we both agreed that Daisy is a smart dog and had successfully learned to walk on a leash.

  At our next session Brandon will be teaching Daisy the sit and stay commands.

  I just hope it will be as fun and romantic interesting and educational as today’s lesson was.

  SQUEEEEEE!!

  !!

  SATURDAY—3:00 P.M.

  IN MY BEDROOM

  After Brandon left, I decided to finish up my history homework.

  I was in my bedroom when someone knocked on my door. I assumed it was Brianna.

  “No, Brianna! You can’t play the Princess Sugar Plum video game on my cell phone!” I yelled. “I’m doing my homework!”

  My dad opened the door and stuck his head in. “Nikki, it’s me. I need to be on the social medium,” he announced. “Can you help me?”

  “The social medium? Dad, what are you talking about?!” I asked.

  “You know, the Instachat, the Snapgram, the Facefriends, and Tweetering! I want it all for my business, Maxwell’s Bug Extermination!” he said, sitting down on my bed. UNINVITED!! . . .

  MY DAD WANTS HELP WITH THE INTERWEB?

  My mom is on Facebook, keeping up with her high school friends and embarrassing ME by posting UNAUTHORIZED photos.

  But my dad? He still listens to baseball games on an old-school, battery-operated BOOM BOX.

  “I need to be on the Interweb, er, I mean, INTERNET, to get more business,” he explained. “I want to sign up for all those popular sites, like Bookface and Instagrammy. I need to be connected and keep my finger on the pulse of the youth.”

  The
way my dad had MURDERED the names of all those social media sites, I doubted there was a pulse. No wonder he couldn’t find them online.

  I set my history homework aside and grabbed his computer.

  He watched as I googled “popular media sites” and then clicked on a link to a website. Within seconds a list appeared with links to all the popular sites he had mangled.

  “There you go, Dad,” I said, handing his computer back to him.

  “Thanks, Nikki!” He beamed. “I really appreciate your help. As a matter of fact, I’d like you to have these!”

  He took out his wallet and handed me what I thought at first were dollar bills ! Only it wasn’t money. It was gift cards . Four “Big Bucks” gift cards to Queasy Cheesy pizza parlor, to be exact: “Good for one FREE pizza and large soda on Saturdays 1:00–3:00 p.m.”

  “Thanks, Dad.” I smiled.

  I had a hunch he might have gotten the gift cards from the owner after exterminating the place. But since I might actually be EATING there, I didn’t want to know the dirty details.

  I guess I could always sell the gift cards on the INTERWEB for some cold cash. Right, Dad?!

  !!

  SUNDAY, MAY 25—4:30 P.M.

  IN MY BEDROOM

  Today it was raining like crazy! Which meant I was trapped inside the house with my NUTTY family !

  I decided to spend some quality time lounging in bed, writing in my diary (about you-know-who!) while nibbling on chocolate.

  So I brought out my secret stash of candy !

  I actually had to keep it hidden or Brianna would gobble up every last piece in less than sixty seconds.

  Hey! I’ve seen her do it!

  TWICE !

  I guess Mom wanted to take full advantage of the rainy day. So she decided we needed to have some Family Sharing Time.

  “Now it’s time for Board Game Madness!” she announced cheerfully as we finished lunch. . . .

  MOM ANNOUNCES BOARD GAME MADNESS!

  I guess no one was ready for “FUN, FUN, FUN!” because the room was suddenly so quiet, you could hear the rainwater gurgling into the sewer drains outside.

  On second thought, that sound was Brianna greedily GUZZLING a glass of Princess Sugar Plum punch.

  “I really wish I could join the fun, dear!” Dad exclaimed. “But the big championship game is about to come on!”

  “Same here, Mom! I’d LOVE to play an exciting board game with you!” I lied. “But my FAVE reality show, My Very Rich and Trashy Life!, will be on soon, and it’s the thrilling finale!”

  As soon as Dad and I got up from the table to leave, Mom shot us her evil sit-your-butts-back-down-if-you-know-what’s-good-for-you look.

  So of course we quickly returned to our chairs and sat down.

  It’s NEVER a good idea to tick off Mom.

  As the wise old saying goes, “If Mom’s NOT happy, then NOBODY’S happy!”

  Which is actually just the trendier “mommy power” version of the wise old saying “Misery LOVES company!”

  “YAY! It’s Board Game Madness!” Brianna cheered. “I’ll go get a really FUN board game! Be right back!”

  Mom escorted Dad and me into the family room like a seasoned prison guard.

  I almost expected her to handcuff us to the couch to prevent us from attempting a dangerous felonious act like turning on the TV.

  About five minutes later Brianna came skipping into the room with a small bag behind her back and an old pizza box covered in finger paint and glitter.

  “Look at this! I made my OWN game! It’s called Brianna’s Funnest Game Ever! You’re gonna LOVE it! Can we play it?! Can we, Mom? PLEEEEASE?” Brianna pleaded. . . .

  BRIANNA’S FUNNEST GAME EVER!

  “We’d LOVE to play your game, sweetheart!” Mom smiled. “It’s going to be FUN!”

  Brianna opened her pizza box.

  Inside was a handmade game board with random squares and colorful crayon scribbles that made no sense WHATSOEVER!

  I couldn’t tell which direction to move or where the finish line was.

  It looked like she’d just CHEWED up some crayons and SPIT them out on the paper. With her eyes closed.

  “Okay! I’m gonna be the game boss,” Brianna announced. “Daddy, you can be the paper clip, and Mommy, you can be the penny.”

  She handed them their game pieces.

  “Cool! I get to be the cute Barbie shoe!” I smiled, picking up a tiny pink sparkly high heel.

  “NUH-UH!” Brianna grunted, and snatched it right out of my hand. “That’s MINE! Remember, it’s MY game! I made it, so I’M the BOSS of it!”

  Then she stuck her tongue out at me.

  I folded my arms and glared at her.

  “Then what am I supposed to use to play your game?! There’s nothing left!” I grumbled.

  Brianna checked inside the box, and sure enough, there WEREN’T any more game pieces.

  But she just SHRUGGED her shoulders at me like it WASN’T her problem!

  That’s when I got a BRILLIANT idea! . . .

  “OH NO! It looks like I won’t be able play your game, Brianna! I’m SO disappointed!” I pretend-pouted, like I was about to cry. “I guess I’ll just have to go watch the finale of My Very Rich and Trashy Life! while you guys have all the FUN! But I’ll get over it! BYE!”

  “Hey! Wait a minute!” Brianna grinned as she peeled off a moldy piece of pepperoni that was stuck to the bottom of the box. “Here, Nikki! THIS is YOUR game piece!” . . .

  “I don’t want that nasty thing!” I shrieked.

  “But it’s the BEST one!” Brianna exclaimed. “If you get hungry and want a snack, you can chew on it! Then, when it’s your turn to move again, you just put the pepperoni back on the game board. I bet you can chew it for hours! Just like gum.”

  That’s when I threw up in my mouth a little.

  “MOM?!” I whined, waiting for her to intervene.

  “Nikki, you’re SPOILING the fun!” Mom lectured. “Brianna worked really hard on this game, so simmer down! Just take the pepperoni and try to be a good sport, okay?”

  I begrudgingly picked up my NASTY pepperoni, trying to avoid the fuzzy mold, and dropped it on the “start” box, which was misspelled “stat.”

  “Mommy, you go first,” Brianna said.

  Mom rolled the die and moved four spaces.

  “Now, this is the fun part!” Brianna squealed, and pulled out a stack of index cards written in black marker in her sloppy handwriting. “You have to do whatever the card says!”

  However, instead of taking a card from the top of the stack, Brianna quickly sorted through them until she found one she liked.

  “Here, Mommy. This is YOUR card!”

  Mom read the card. . . .

  “How sweet!” Mom smiled and moved her penny seven spaces. “This game is FUN!”

  “Okay, Daddy. Your turn!” Brianna chirped.

  Dad rolled the die and moved five spaces.

  Then Brianna selected a card. Dad read . . .

  “Woo-hoo!” Dad exclaimed. He hopped to his feet and did a rendition of the “Hokey Pokey” that included the chicken dance and some moves he stole from a Justin Bieber video.

  Ugh!

  Now I’ll never be able to enjoy that video again without thinking of Dad’s “Hokey Pokey”!

  Next it was MY turn.

  I tossed the die and moved three spaces.

  “UH-OH!” Brianna said, reading the card she had selected for me.

  She handed it to me, and I read it out loud. . . .

  “WHAT?!” I shouted. “That’s NOT FAIR! Why do I have to be the ugly, booger-eating . . . LOSER?!”

  “Because it’s MY game and I make the RULES!” Brianna said, all snotty-like, with her hand on her hip.

  “Okay, FINE!” I grumped. “I thought this was supposed to be FUN!”

  I was SO over Brianna’s STUPID game!

  “Hey, everyone, NOW it’s MY turn!” Brianna giggled. She rolled the die and moved her
Barbie shoe three spaces.

  “Now I get a card!” she said as she quickly sorted through the stack until she found one she liked.

  “OH, GOODY! My card says . . .”

  “WHAT jackpot candy stash?!” I exclaimed.

  “THIS ONE!” Brianna answered as she grabbed the plastic bag and opened it.

  I almost had a . . .

  HEART ATTACK!

  Inside was my PRECIOUS candy stash!!!

  THAT BRATTY LITTLE THIEF HAD SNUCK INTO MY ROOM AND STOLEN MY ENTIRE STASH OF CANDY?!!

  “NO WAY!!” I protested. “I HATE this CRUDDY game. GIMME BACK MY CANDY, BRIANNA!”

  “Aw, come on, Nikki! It’s just candy. You can always get more!” Dad scolded me. “Let’s just try to have fun playing your little sister’s game!”

  “I agree! This is an opportunity for you to be an excellent role model for Brianna. So try not to be a SORE LOSER!” Mom admonished me.

  It’s no wonder I had a really bad attitude about the whole thing.

  Every time it was MY turn, I ended up with a stupid card that said something like . . .

  Or . . .

  And whenever it was Brianna’s turn, she got to eat several more pieces of MY candy. I sat there GLARING at the three of them in complete DISGUST! I couldn’t believe I was being FORCED by my very OWN parents to watch my bratty sister DEVOUR my candy during the finale of My Very Rich and Trashy Life!

  I was very tempted to call the authorities and report them for CHILD ABUSE !!

  Finally Brianna had made an ingenious plan to get her GRUBBY little hands on my PROPERTY!

  By the end of the game, my sister had eaten almost half of my candy! She had chocolate all over her face and hands and was looking a little queasy. . . .

  “Goodness! I think this game has gotten completely out of hand!” Mom said, looking a bit flustered.

  Dad scooped Brianna up off the floor. “You’ve had way too many sweets, young lady. I think you need to get some rest to cure that tummy ache.”

  “But I wanna keep playing!” she whined in a weak voice. “I NEVER get to EAT as much of Nikki’s CANDY as I want!”