How To Psychoanalyze Someone

by Scarlett Kennedy

  You blink your eyes, confused and wonder where the funny joke is? Laughter in the background occurs as your date answers “because they had no body to go with.” All you want to do is cringe more than laugh, but you express a giggle anyway.

  Relatable? That’s because it is. This example is more exaggerated, but I’ve been on both ends. And hey, I find bad jokes hilarious. We’ve all met, and will meet people who do not share similar comedic tastes. If you’ve ever wondered why some people find something funny, while others don’t, the answer lies within someone’s belief system.

  Why is this important?

  Someone's humour is like a freudian slip. Whatever makes someone laugh, resonates with them. When people say "once you make them laugh, you have them." Meaning, they've hit a gold mine. Here, you can discover your victim’s deepest buried beliefs.

  How to find out:

  Watch a movie they believe to be funny (hopefully you do too).

  Observe what makes them laugh hysterically, even observe what they chuckle about.

  Listen to their stupid jokes.

  This will provide insight into who they are. They wouldn't laugh if it wasn't at the back of their minds in the first place, this goes for other reactions you notice. E.g. a somber look on their face, anger, etc.

  Examples:

  A victim of mine would prefer to sit at his house and watch movies all day. Each time something demeaning came on about a woman, he would laugh at it. Not chuckle - he laughed his fucking ass off. Knowing this, connecting all the dots in his personality - he has no respect for women. The manner in which he spoke to me confirmed his sense of humor. He would “jokingly” call me a slut, said I looked like a whore when I wore x,y and z.

  What to do with this information:

  You can use this information to appeal and understand your target better. Whatever you chose to do - is ultimately your choice.

  Chapter Five

  Defense Mechanisms

  Unless you’re an emotional masochist or drama queen, you tend to steer clear of any pain. Our minds have little to no tolerance to any pain, therefore creates defense mechanisms to protect itself. At face value, you may find yourself irritated by your target’s behaviour. Perhaps they go cold. Maybe they start blaming others for something going south. The answer lies in someone’s defense mechanisms.

  Defense Mechanisms

  Everyone copes differently. Have you ever looked at someone, and wondered why they coped the way do? Why are they reacting this way? Why are you reacting this way? This is simply your psychological defense mechanisms.

  Why do we have them/why is this important?

  It is our mind's way of protecting, and defending ourselves, from traumatic events, and strong emotions.

  Note: there are many other psychological defence mechanisms, however I've only listed the common ones that are important to work with, to make someone obsessed with you.

  Compartmentalization:

  This is like disassociation. Except, you don't completely disassociate. Only parts of yourself are disassociated.

  How you can tell:

  If they appear distant from different parts of their lives, they are compartmentalizing.

  Example:

  A woman who is cheating on her husband may disassociate. But with work - she isn't, because she loves her job.

  How to deal:

  Whatever they are compartmentalizing, know that they may be unsatisfied. This is your chance to fill in the unsatisfactory gaps in their lives.

  Disassociation:

  Disassociation is when someone removes themselves from reality, by distancing themselves from reality. Instead of a subjective reality, it becomes objective.

  How you can tell:

  They seem bored, cold and distant all the time.

  Example:

  Dan, is someone who is always disassociated. He was always talking about his fantasy world. A world filled with poetry, and rock music. When I got two tickets to a Slash concert (from guns and roses) I knew exactly whom to call; Dan. When he dissociates himself he goes into a fantasy world. I brought this fantasy to life. With the concert in mind, he finally got to live out the fantasy he yearned for, and associated me, as the enabler. As the person who isn't trying to "ground them." Or the person to "bring them back to reality." Rather, the person who takes him away from it.

  How to deal:

  Take it further, and be their escape. Rather than bringing them back to reality, bring them into an exotic fantasy world. Disassociation is essentially removing one's self from reality. So take advantage of this. It can be in the form of the things the two of you do, or a journey/adventure the two of you go on. It's about their experience with you.

  Fantasies:

  (See: What's your target's deepest fantasy?)

  Acting out:

  Acting out is when someone expresses their emotions in extreme and/or childish ways.

  How to tell:

  This one is very obvious. They'll start yelling, screaming, throwing material. Whatever floats their boat.

  Example:

  Ryan was one of the coolest guys I'd ever met. I always looked at him and wondered if his cool attitude was a way to cover up any undisclosed rage he had. While I bottled up my emotions well, my voice devoid of any emotions and everything about my demeanor screamed ice queen - I told him I secretly wanted to walk out on the streets and start fights with random people. He smirked and agreed he shared the same fantasy. To fast forward, one day he called me. He needed to vent. Backstabbing friends betrayed him, and it hurt. We were on the phone for about twenty minutes, and I asked “why don't we meet, perhaps we can both detox our frustrations?” He asked what happened what my issues were and I told him I'd explain when we met. When we met, I explained to him I was furious and now was a good time to act on my wildest impulses. He opened his mouth slightly to disagree and inject a pinch of moral dose in my veins. But, he didn't. He stared at me with a morbid curiosity, before answering “same here - but first, tell me what happened?”

  My frustrations were based on recurring problems with my psychopathic family. Expressing my anger, I felt my blood boiling at the highest temperature possible. The volume in my voice grew louder, and more aggressive as I shared what caused me to be in this current state. I took a deep breath and explored the vicinity with my eyes. I spotted a bar and asked if I could continue my rant while we had a few shots.

  As the shots began to pour, so did my rage. I had my eye out on the stereotypical misogynist at the bar. My angry drunken felt it would be satisfying to fight a misogynistic man rather than another drunk angry woman. Triggering him was the first thing I knew I had to do. First, I stared at him. When I captured his attention - I blatantly flirted with the man sitting next to him. He nudged his friend and whispered something. To this day, I do not what was within that whisper. I also nudged Ryan and told him that muscular misogynist type guy across the bar was who I wanted to fight. He agreed he also wanted to fight him. The layout of the bar was that when Ryan and I, had to leave, we had to walk past woman hater and his woman hater friend. Ryan placed his arm around me as we walked past them and they watched. Given this, Ryan unbelievably walked straight to his face and asked why these creeps were staring at my ass. They weren't - it was a coy to start a fight. It worked.

  At the end of it all, Ryan treated me like his favorite drug of choice. He knew I was bad for him. Yet, he continued to come back for more anyway. The day he overdosed on me was the day he finally lost a physical fight. He sought them out the way addicts looked for their vices. He needed them. One day, his family noticed a pattern. I was always there when he placed himself into dangerous altercations. The last day I ever saw Ryan was when they questioned why I never stopped it. While I denied it, I wondered how they knew that. That was when his brother shot me a foul look, and interrupted. “The last time I tried to stop it - you stood there smiling like a psycho.”

  At the end of the night, I was kicked out and forbidden to see h
im. Ryan's parents threatened to kick him out, and that's the last thing he wanted. All he wanted was to throw his fists onto someone's face, have a few trophy bruises, go home and have a good night's rest. But, without my encouragement - he was lost.

  How to deal:

  Allow them to act out. Parts of ourselves want to act out with people we feel it is safe to do so, with. Someone who won't judge them. Be the enabler. Be the person they feel safe to act out with. As long no one is hurt in any shape, or form. It's beneficial for one's mind and soul. Our deeper selves want to let go of our social restrictions, and act out without any restrictions. To be as crazy, rude, and rowdy as we can be.

  Sublimation:

  (See: why they chose their career?)

  Projection/transference:

  When you project your inner beliefs, desires, what an ideal, person, or world would be like, emotional wounds onto someone.

  How to tell:

  If someone starts going on about how you should be doing something a certain way, or be a certain way. They are projecting. They are also projecting if they start assuming things about you - that you didn't tell them. This is because our imagination fills in missing pieces of information about you, or anything.

  Example:

  I went on a trip to New York City, with a girlfriend of mine: Sarah. Sarah and I wanted to treat ourselves to a beautiful gourmet meal, so we had dinner in the most luxurious restaurant in town. There was a man sitting across from me, and he stared at me the entire time. I wondered if he even blinked. I wanted to test him to see if he would talk to me. So I got up, and told Sarah I was going to the restroom. His table was along the way. Before I knew it I heard:

  "Excuse me, miss." In a heavy German accent.

  "Yes?" I asked innocently.

  "I was wondering if I could buy you a drink? Get to know you better?"

  I snickered, and walked away.

  As I got back to my table, there was a drink waiting for me. Sarah was mocking the

  German man's voice. "The drink is for you my beautiful dear."

  As the night went on, I realized the German man wasn't so disappointing, after all. I gave him my number, and he started chatting me up.

  All of a sudden, he goes on to say:

  "Having sex for the first time would be magical for you.”

  I giggled. "Now, please tell me what you're talking about."

  "I've been hurt before, so I figured if I could be with a virgin, she wouldn't hurt me."

  I was confused, but realized what was going on. The man thought I was a virgin. But, why?

  He was projecting onto me:

  ● His ideals, (a virgin, who won't leave an emotional scar.)

  ● Hurts (girls have hurt him in the past.)

  ● My innocent look triggered his imagination to project onto me.

  Projection starts when there is a trigger. For the German man, it was my innocent face.

  How to deal:

  Allow them to project onto you. If it's an obsessive, ideal projection, project it back. Project it back by representing whatever it is they are projecting onto you. Remember you can NEVER directly mention you are representing what they are projecting.

  Compensation:

  If someone is lacking/feeling insecure about a compartment in their lives, they compensate in another area of their lives.

  How to tell/examples:

  ● They'll overcompensate. For example, Mr. Griffin showed he had nothing to offer but money. He didn't even have that much money either. He made $200,000 annually. Big deal. He would always say, obnoxiously, "I'm an engineer." When someone would make him feel stupid.

  ● They'll compare. For example, when I was younger I had a family relative who always talked about people aging. She'd say "oh my god. That woman is aging so badly." "Thank god, I'm still skinny." Truth is, she was aging. We all are. I could see it, although I kept my mouth shut. She knew deep down inside she was aging. It showed. She used her weight as compensation.

  How to deal:

  Figure out what they may be compensating for. Then fill in that lack.

  For example, someone who believes they are lacking in the beauty department, will compensate by having an abundance of wealth. Filling in that lack would be making them feel beautiful.

  Rationalization:

  Reframing something into a different light, or creating a different explanation for what and why something has occurred.

  Example/how to tell:

  Mary, a narcissistic "friend" of mine, had a long time boyfriend break up with her. His reason was that he didn't appreciate that she needed to depend on him financially, and she was in her forties. Her rationalization was "I was too good for him, he felt intimidated, and he couldn't ever live up to me. So he ended it."

  How to deal:

  Nod your head, smile, and look pretty.

  Denial:

  When someone refuses to accept the truth, reality, and facts.

  How you can tell:

  (See: what are they NOT)

  Example:

  Mr. Griffin was my next door neighbor. He was unhappy in his marriage, he was in denial about it. He would constantly say "my wife is great." "I love her." He would find every excuse not to go home to see her face. Little slips and passive aggressive comments about her, would rise to the surface. I saw how in denial he was - about her. I decided to seize the opportunity, to be the distraction he was looking for. His words said he was in love and happy. His actions showed me, he despised his wife. (See: what are they NOT?)

  His actions showed he tried to find every excuse in the book to get away. He would mask them by "wanting to take me out to show me a good time." Every time she was home, he had "a meeting." (With me.) When she wasn't home, he was relaxed and happy. I knew he was the rescuer type, so I played the damsel in distress and got him to drive me to school, drive me to work. I turned him into my personal chauffeur...

  That is, until his wife found out. She wanted a divorce because she suspected we were having sex. Which was not the case. He just wanted a distraction.

  His reaction? Take a wild guess.

  How to deal:

  Allow them to be in denial. You'll see what they're in denial about, and be the distraction from what they're in denial about.

  Why They Chose Their Career Path?

  Our vocations are what takes up most of our time, minds, and days. Most of our identities emanate from what we do, careers avail us survive in this world through this currency of engendering more social circles, and primarily: money. Why did your target cull their career path? One of the answers lies in sublimation. Sublimation is a psychological defence mechanism where our repressed and/or suppressed adverse aspirations are transferred onto socially acceptable activities, desires, careers, habits.

  Why is sublimation important?

  Sublimation is exclusively true for people who play the noble character within society, yet they are mostly drawn to people who candidly express their base selves. Noble knight in shining armors and modern mother Teresa's’ tend to be drawn to bad boys/girls because sublimation stimulates their suppressed/repressed desires to be bad, wrong, immoral or destructive.

  How to find out why they chose their career path:

  Simply ask them. Correlate what their reasons are versus their actions. Are they connected or severely contrasting each other? A perfect thing to listen for would be stories they share about work, coworkers, and what events leading up to and inspiring the decision to pick their career. If they have a job where they had no choice, ask them what they would’ve chosen given they had the choice.

  Let’s use the cop as an example. You inquire why he chose to be a cop, and he answers he wants to serve and protect. Yet, he perpetually discusses murder, and stupid people he’s arrested that day. You see the sublimation here?

  Examples:

  A cop I dated chose that career path because of control and power. He explained it was for justice. However, when deciphering his actions - it was not f
or the people who lived in the community - it was justice for himself. A career as a police officer was his way of getting his own justice, and revenge because he's been bullied in the past.

  Someone who has the desire for power may become a business person. Yet this is a different power compared to power the cop wanted. Cop wants to exert physical force over his bully and people who remind him of his former bullies. Rich boy wanted to exercise his power by having money because growing up poor made him feel powerless.

  What to do with this information:

  Ultimately, sublimation suppresses and/or represses one’s unfavourable selves. Take advantage of people’s sublimation by provoking their suppressed and hidden sides.

  What are they not?

  I mentioned one thing that reveal people's true colours, is what they endeavor to project themselves as. Another more vigorous thing is the antithesis - what they perpetually verbalize they AREN'T.