The One Real Regret

by Janet Nissenson

  ‘At least,’ she thought sullenly, ‘he looked every bit as shocked as you did when he heard your name!’

  And that realization surprised Jill, because from everything she had learned about Max in their brief time together, she had known him to be thorough, precise, and extremely detail oriented. She had been intrigued to learn more about his business, since she, too, had been a finance major in college, and he had been more than happy to discuss exactly what it was he did for a living. She knew he typically did a considerable amount of research on the companies he’d been hired to consult for, which should have included being at least somewhat familiar with who the officers and management team members were. But there had been little doubt in her mind that Max had had no idea that she worked here at Celex Solutions, given the way his dark eyes had widened in stunned surprise when he’d seen her sitting across the table. And for the briefest of moments, the normally unflappable Maxwell Wainwright had looked shaken to his core, a realization that Jill hadn’t been able to resist gloating over just a little.

  But, naturally, it had only taken Max mere seconds to recover from the initial shock, merely murmuring, “A pleasure, Ms. Parrish”, before moving on to the next introduction. He hadn’t glanced once in her direction since, and she couldn’t decide if she ought to feel relieved or annoyed by his lack of attention. One thing, however, was for certain - given her position as the CFO of this company, she was definitely going to have to resign herself to working rather closely with the man she’d alternately cried over and raged at for the past few years. There was no possible way she could excuse herself from doing so, and no other employee she could pass the task onto. Jacob Delmore might be the most laidback, easygoing, and supportive CEO any employee could ever ask for, but he also demanded a lot from his staff and expected both hard work and near perfection. Jill seriously doubted that Jacob would want to hear any details about her ill-fated affair with one Max Wainwright, or accept her badly broken heart as an excuse for why she simply couldn’t work with the coldhearted British bastard.

  No, thought Jill with a sigh of resignation, she was going to have to suck it up for the duration of Max’s stay here at Celex, act the part of the professional that she prided herself on being, and be every bit as cool and distant as she knew he could be. After all, she assured herself firmly, it wasn’t as though she still had feelings for the man after all this time. It had taken her a long, long time, years to be exact, but she had finally and completely gotten over the man she’d fallen head over heels in love with as a naïve, impressionable college student. And though she had once believed it impossible to do, she had moved on, was even in a serious relationship with another man now, a man who treated her like a queen and who had recently begun to throw hints that he’d like to take a much more serious and permanent step in their relationship.

  But Jill didn’t want to dwell on that right now, not wanting perhaps to admit to herself that her feelings for Tyler weren’t quite as deep as the way he felt about her. She loved him, of course, because who wouldn’t love such a sweet, kind, and thoughtful man as Tyler? But she wasn’t at all sure it was the right sort of love, the sort that meant wedding bells and babies and a whole lifetime together. The sort of love she’d once felt for the devastatingly handsome, debonair man who was even now addressing the roomful of managers and executive staff who’d been assembled for this meet and greet, his cultured, precise British accent as sexy and swoony as ever.

  She pursed her lips in distaste, hoping that her all-too-expressive pale green eyes weren’t shooting daggers across the table. It wasn’t fair, she thought despairingly, that Max seemed to look even more handsome, more attractive, and more seductively aloof in the years since she’d seen him last. She knew that he had to be forty years old by now, but aside from a couple of very faint lines at the corners of his eyes, he hadn’t seemed to age a bit. His dark hair didn’t hold even a trace of gray, and Jill knew that a man as stuffy and old-fashioned as Max wouldn’t dream of coloring his hair. As good looking as he was - with those classically chiseled features, and tall, broad-shouldered body - he also wasn’t the least bit vain or egotistical, a fact that she had marveled over more than once.

  And he was still stuffy enough to be the only person in the room wearing a suit and tie, and not looking the least bit out of place because of it. Today’s charcoal gray suit and burgundy tie fit his powerful frame perfectly, and she knew the wool jacket and trousers had been made by some high end Italian designer and tailored precisely to his measurements. Jill had teasingly asked him once if he’d been born wearing formal business attire, given that during their time together she had rarely seen him wearing anything but one of his expensive designer suits, pristine white dress shirts, and perfectly knotted silk ties. Unless, of course, one counted the numerous occasions when neither of them had been wearing any clothes at all.

  Jill’s cheeks flushed hotly at the recollection, and she cursed inwardly, knowing that her blush would be obvious to anyone looking her way. Self-consciously, she ducked her head, letting the long curtain of her golden brown hair cover her face, and sending up a quick prayer of thanks that she’d left her hair loose today instead of pulling it back into a sloppy ponytail or untidy bun as she often did. Hastily she grabbed the glass of water by her place and gulped it down thirstily, wishing she could press the cool glass to her flushed cheek.

  ‘Don’t you dare start thinking about any of that stuff, missy!’ she chided herself. ‘There’s no way you’ll be able to pull this off if you start conjuring up images of how hot he was between the sheets. Or how he has muscles like everywhere. Or the way he could make you swoon like it was a hot summer day back in South Carolina just by looking at you. Or - rats! Now I’m blushing again. Ooh, there is no way you’re going to be able to work with him, is there?’

  She dug her nails into her palms, wincing a little at the pain, but grateful for the distraction as she battled to corral her wayward thoughts and focus instead on what Jacob was saying now. Thankfully, it seemed that Max had finished addressing the assembled group, and was listening politely to the CEO.

  “And I know it goes without saying that everyone here will go out of their way to provide Max with whatever information he needs,” stated Jacob confidently. “We’re a tight-knit group here at Celex, almost like family, and since this potential expansion stands to benefit all of us, it’s in our best interests to do whatever we can to assist Max. I expect he’ll be spending a considerable amount of time with most everyone here, so please make him welcome and go above and beyond the call of duty to help him out. So - go team! You can all get back to being brilliant now and dreaming up new ways to share our mission with the world. Max, let me show you to the office we’ve set up for you.”

  Jill breathed a sigh of relief, feeling the pent-up tension leave her body as the man she’d alternately loved and hated these past few years exited the room. Once Max and Jacob were out of earshot, it took mere seconds for those remaining to start chiming in on the dreamy new consultant.

  “OMG,” breathed Karina Woo, the head of Human Resources. “That man can’t be real, can he? I always thought men like him only existed in those totally unrealistic romance novels. Or else in urban myths.”

  “And when did you start reading trashy romance novels, Ms. “I only read books on the New York Times bestsellers list”?” teased Evan Mortensen, who served as the Community Outreach Director for Celex, and was proudly and outspokenly gay. “But I have to agree with you, Karina - Mr. Wainwright is almost too perfect to be real. Too bad for him that I’m already spoken for - though something tells me I’m not exactly his type.”

  Jill bit her lip, quelling that impulsive behavior of hers that might have otherwise caused her to blurt out, “Max is definitely not your type, Evan. And I can attest to that fact personally.”

  Instead, she merely offered up a brief smile as her co-workers continued to swoon over the dishy Brit who did, in fact, look like he’d just stepped
off the cover of some Regency romance novel. She could almost picture him wearing the formal coat, breeches, and boots from that long ago era, and knew that with his old-fashioned manners and ideals Max would have had no problem whatsoever feeling right at home in nineteenth century England.

  “He’s probably married,” chimed in Laurel Bingham, the company’s in-house legal counsel. “The good ones always are. Trust me, I speak from experience on that. But then again, some of us never learn from our bad experiences. And I’d be willing to bet that Max Wainwright would be a very, very good experience for the woman lucky enough to catch his eye.”

  Jill had heard via the always active office grapevine that the pretty, immaculately groomed, intelligent, and accomplished attorney hadn’t done quite so well for herself when it came to her private life. At the age of thirty-five, Laurel was among the oldest of the employees here at Celex and, like the majority of the staff, was still single. Along the way, however, she’d endured a broken engagement, an affair with a married man, and, most recently, a nasty breakup with a man who’d had the bad judgment to sleep with her now-former best friend. It didn’t surprise Jill in the least, therefore, that the chic, sophisticated attorney would be attracted to a man like Max, especially since they seemed to have so much in common - both meticulously groomed, both on the formal, somewhat stuffy side, both highly intelligent and accomplished. Laurel was just about the only employee at Celex who eschewed the business casual look in favor of expensive, tailored pantsuits, silk blouses, pearls, and sensible leather pumps. Her pale blonde hair was expertly cut in a sleek bob, and the little makeup she wore was discreetly applied.

  ‘In other words,’ thought Jill rather snarkily, ‘a perfect match for the equally uptight Mr. Wainwright. Too bad he’s not one to settle for just one woman, though. I wonder if I should warn Laurel that she’d just be wasting her time with him.’

  But even as the thought crossed her mind, Jill knew she would never actually say such a thing to Laurel or to anyone else. As vivacious and talkative as she could be at times, she was also an intensely private person and rarely if ever discussed intimate details about her life with anyone. And her ill-fated, short-lived relationship with the cold-hearted Max Wainwright had definitely been the most intimate part of her twenty-six years thus far, a part of her life that she had never discussed with anyone, not even Tyler, the man she was supposed to be in love with.

  Oh, Tyler knew she’d had her heart broken several years ago while she’d been attending college in Seattle, but he had refrained from probing for any specific details, as though he sensed exactly how painful it would be for her to talk about that time in her life. Jill had been grateful to him for sparing her that heartache, but hadn’t been able to keep from feeling guilty as a result. Guilty because she should have been willing and able to share her most private thoughts and experiences with the man who loved her unconditionally, and even guiltier because she was all too aware of the real reason she’d never brought up the subject of Max Wainwright to Tyler - because she was terrified that her current love interest would be perceptive enough to realize that she still had feelings for the former one.

  She scowled to realize that her co-workers were still chattering eagerly about the “smoking hot consultant”, even going so far as to double dare Laurel into asking “Mr. Tall, Dark and Dreamy” out for a drink after work that evening.

  While Laurel mused over the possibility of actually accepting the dare, Jill had to bite her tongue to resist telling everyone, “Knock it off! Because I saw him first, four years ago to be exact. And Max is my man, nobody else’s, so leave him alone!”

  But of course she said no such thing, merely remained silent as she gathered up her things and prepared to exit the conference room, and not just because to blurt out such an outrageous statement would have been totally inappropriate and raised all manner of questions. It was also due to the fact that Max Wainwright was nobody’s man except his own, and Jill had no more claim to him than a complete stranger from off the streets did. And given the way he had totally ignored her during the meeting a short while ago, she might as well have been a stranger as far as he was concerned, instead of the woman he’d once seduced and who had fallen desperately in love with him, only to have her heart and her spirit ripped to shreds by the cool, impersonal way he’d walked away from her without so much as a backwards glance.

  ‘Well, two people can play at this little game,’ Jill told herself fiercely as she walked inside her compact, slightly untidy office. ‘If Mr. Wainwright wants to pretend we’ve never met and continue to treat me like I’m nothing more than an employee, I’ll be more than happy to oblige the cold-hearted bastard!’

  ***

  Max heaved a sigh of frustration, and impatiently pushed aside the report he’d been attempting to study for the past two hours. It wasn’t like him to feel distracted this way, or in any way, given his ability to shut out the rest of the world when it came to business. In all aspects of his life, but particularly in his chosen profession, Max was a model of control, a man who seldom if ever tolerated interruptions or any other sort of disruption to his set-in-stone routines. But then, it wasn’t every day that one’s past caught up with one in such a sudden and unexpected way, leaving even someone as organized, level-headed, and unshakeable as Max feeling entirely out of sorts.

  He cursed himself now for not having taken the time as he would have normally done to look over the bios of each member of the management team of Celex Solutions. Max usually preferred to know a little something about the key personnel of the companies he’d been hired on to consult for, especially when the company’s finances were in disarray and their future was on the grim side. Looking back at this particular situation, he acknowledged that circumstances had been rather different given that he’d been able to determine right from the start that Celex’s financial status was both extremely healthy and carefully monitored. As a result, he hadn’t felt it necessary to perform all of his usual due diligence, and for once had actually permitted himself a few days off around the holidays.

  But now he was sorely regretting his lack of research, for if he had done so he would have most definitely discovered prior to today that the Chief Financial Officer of this small, up and coming young company was none other than his onetime lover - and the only woman he’d ever loved.

  Jill had quite obviously been every bit as shocked as he had been when their gazes had locked across the conference room table, her honey toned complexion noticeably paling and her luminous green eyes widening in stunned surprise. Max had longed to dash over to her, taking her into his arms as he’d dreamed of doing every single day for the past four years, and to reassure her that everything was going to be all right, to soothe her visibly frayed nerves.

  But to do so would have broadcast to everyone in the packed conference room that the two of them had a past relationship, would have raised a dozen or more questions from Jacob, and called into doubt Max’s ability to perform the job he’d been hired to complete for a very sizeable amount of money. Such actions might have also caused Jacob to question his young CFO’S professionalism, and while Max’s career wouldn’t have suffered in the least, there was no way he would have taken even the tiniest chance of jeopardizing Jill’s.

  The corners of his mouth lifted slightly in admiration as he read over Jill’s company bio for what was the fifth time this morning - a graduate of the University of Washington with a degree in finance, graduating summa cum laude, the very highest of academic honors. She had been employed at Celex for almost two years, and it was largely due to her financial advice and leadership that the company had enjoyed almost unparalleled success to date. She was touted as being one of the youngest CFO’s in the country, and Max guessed she was most likely also one of the youngest of her gender.

  He’d always known that Jill had the potential to do great things, that in addition to being beautiful and kind and pure of heart she was almost frighteningly intelligent. Despit
e the hardships she’d endured growing up, she had more than fulfilled all that potential he’d seen in her from the very first day they had met. And while she was obviously a few years older now, had grown and matured and been entrusted with a very powerful position in this company, Max sensed that she was still the same sweet-natured, often impulsive bright-eyed optimist who had charmed him from the first moment she had flashed that dazzling smile of hers in his direction. She had managed to wriggle her way into his heart with very little effort, thawing out the cold protective shell he’d erected around his emotions long ago, and giving him cause to believe that maybe, just maybe, he could actually find true happiness, not to mention true love.

  But then all of his deep-seated fears and insecurities had overwhelmed him, fears and insecurities that no one who knew him would have ever begun to guess existed. As a young boy and teen, and even during his years at Stanford, Max had had to work very hard to keep all of those dark emotions well hidden, determined that none of his friends ever learn the truth about his past or that his life could have turned out much differently than it had. If it hadn’t been for the care and concern shown to him by his teacher, Max would have likely wound up in some sort of group care home, would have attended yet another underperforming public school, and wouldn’t have had the opportunity to attend a top notch university like Stanford. And the odds of him following in the footsteps of both his parents would have shot up to almost insurmountable heights.

  Nowadays, he rarely if ever thought about that time in his life, and it was second nature to him by now to keep all of those long-ago worries and self-doubts well hidden. In fact, the only time in the past two decades that he’d permitted those feelings to rise to the surface had been during his all too brief time with Jill in Seattle – when he had not only permitted them to arise but also to fill him with such fear that he’d ruined everything in the process.