The One Real Regret

by Janet Nissenson

  He pounded his fist into one of the sofa cushions in frustration, cursing himself for having allowed this ill-advised relationship to progress this far. He should have known better, damn it, should have realized that someone as young and inexperienced as Jill would take everything much too seriously, would mistake good sex and an easy companionship for something more. Because, he argued internally, that was truly all it was, wasn’t it? A girl Jill’s age didn’t know the first thing about love, and she had simply convinced herself she was in love with him because he’d been her first lover. And now he was going to have to break her tender heart, tell her that for him this had just been a pleasant fling, but now he had to go back to his life and end their affair.

  But even as he rehearsed the words he would say to her, a nagging little voice in the back of Max’s head kept asking him why it had to be this way. Why couldn’t he change his ways after all these years? Why wouldn’t he give it a chance, try to compromise, and see if for once in his life he could actually be happy? He had traveled all over the world, come into contact with dozens of beautiful women, but he knew that none of them had ever affected him the way Jill did. He had never believed in love or relationships or commitments, and scoffed at the very idea of finding one’s so-called “soulmate”. But if he had believed in any of those things, even a tiny bit, then it would have been because of Jill.

  Max poured himself another Scotch, then flopped down on the sofa, closing his eyes as if to shut out all the thoughts and worries chasing through his head. Was it even possible, he asked himself, to actually contemplate a relationship with Jill? It would, of course, have to be a long-distance arrangement for several months until she graduated. Mentally, he went over his schedule for the next three months and grimaced, realizing his work commitments would be taking him to Berlin, Detroit, Oslo, and then back to Phoenix. He would have a scant week at most between assignments, and virtually no time to visit Jill here in Seattle. And with her own busy schedule of classes and work, it would be impossible for her to fly out to meet him during his travels. The earliest he could possibly squeeze out a few days to see her wouldn’t be until early April.

  But they could certainly talk and email and Skype, and June would be here before they knew it. There would be plenty of job opportunities for her in San Francisco, though he already knew she would plead her case for working with him. She would live with him, of course, though perhaps it might be better for her to have a little place of her own for a few months, just until they got to know each other better and were certain this relationship was going to work out. Granted, they’d more or less been living together these past couple of weeks, but staying in an impersonal hotel suite was vastly different than cohabitating in his own home. It would take some time in order for him to feel comfortable sharing his most private space with someone else, even the woman he was…

  “For Christ’s sake, what the hell are you thinking, mate?” he groused aloud. Then, fearful of waking Jill he grumbled beneath his breath, “You’re not trying to write a sappy romance novel, for fuck’s sake. So why are you even starting down this road when you know damned well it just leads to a dead end? You cannot let yourself think that a future with Jill is possible, when in fact it’s the most impossible scenario you could come up with. So stop thinking about the possibilities immediately. It cannot and will not happen. For her own good, even though she’ll never agree.”

  He set the empty glass down on the coffee table, knowing that liquor was the very last thing he should be imbibing right now. He was going to need all of his wits about him tomorrow, not only because of the dreaded confrontation with Jill that had to happen, but also because he would be wrapping everything up at Pour Elle in the morning. His final report was all finished, his recommended course of action for the rapidly sinking company strategically and clearly laid out. Whether the Board of Directors actually followed his suggestions, of course, was entirely up to them, but Max had made it very obvious in his pages long list of suggested actions that the company would be bankrupt within two months otherwise. Budgets would need to be slashed, frivolous perks eliminated, and nearly half of the total workforce laid off, and everything done as quickly as possible in order to have any hope of salvaging the company.

  And one of the very first departments he’d recommended downsizing was the financial planning division, specifically the position currently held by Allison Sommers. Max had uncovered any number of blunders the arrogant Allison had made over the past two years, several of which were at least partly to blame for the fix the company currently found itself in. It had given him a rather nasty sense of satisfaction to recommend her immediate termination, thinking that the bitch who’d made his Jill’s life so miserable certainly deserved an extra large serving of karma as payback.

  As for Jill’s own job, he was confident it would be safe for at least a few more months. Besides the fact that she was a part-time employee, she also didn’t qualify for any sort of medical or retirement benefits, so the company would be saving money by retaining her and the other part-timers. As far as what happened when she received her college degree this June - well, he had already begun to put some steps in motion for that as well. He had made a few discreet phone calls to business contacts he had here in Seattle, not telling them of course about his personal relationship with Jill, simply that he’d met a young woman who would make an invaluable addition to their company in a few months time. It would be up to Jill as to whether or not she went on any of the interviews or accepted one of the job offers, but he had done as much as he was able to get her set up.

  ‘Like that’s really going to ease your guilty conscience,’ he chastised himself. ‘Especially since she’s more than capable of getting her own bloody job. You didn’t need to grease any wheels for her, you know.’

  But Max realized that he could have signed over his whole damned company to Jill, given her every cent he owned, and it still wouldn’t have appeased this nagging, awful guilt he was already starting to feel. He didn’t even want to imagine how gut wrenching saying good-bye to her was going to be, and only hoped he would be strong enough to withstand the tears and pleas and arguments she was sure to make.

  Rather than continue to dwell on the very, very bad day in store for him tomorrow, Max shucked his robe and crawled back under the covers, pulling Jill into his arms one last time and trying his damndest not to weep like a girl.

  ***

  Jill knew something major had happened the moment she walked inside the office on Friday afternoon. She could almost feel the tension in the air, noticed that no one seemed to be working, and a low buzz of conversation seemed to be emanating from every corner of the office. Some employees looked tense and worried, while others appeared more at ease, almost relieved. She guessed that Max had most likely presented his findings and recommendations to the Board of Directors, and that bits and pieces of information from that meeting had already begun to filter out among the rest of the work force.

  She put her things away and powered up her computer, watching curiously as a steady stream of co-workers continued to walk back and forth in the hallway near her cubicle. Her curiosity at what had gone down turned to bewilderment, and then concern, when she noticed there was hardly any data entry work for her to do this afternoon, probably a scant hour’s worth at most. As she got to work, Jill could only assume that all of the managers and other staff who would have normally provided her with stacks of reports to update had all been too busy with whatever meetings or announcements had taken place this morning to get any of their usual work done.

  She had sensed from Max’s behavior the last couple of days that things were rapidly drawing to a conclusion with his assignment here at Pour Elle. He’d continued to work ridiculously long hours, including additional time in the evening when he had returned to the hotel, and was back at it early in the morning when she’d awakened. He had even skipped his morning workout the past two days, something she guessed he seldom allowed to happen.
He’d been largely non-communicative and intensely focused, and she had been careful not to disturb him while he worked, except to place a mug of coffee or tea by his side. Max had barely spared her a glance at those times, except to offer her a grateful smile and perhaps squeeze her hand or pat her butt in silent thanks.

  And though he had promised her that they would talk about what the future held for the two of them, that conversation had yet to happen, and at times Jill feared that it never would. Ever since she’d impulsively blurted out “I love you” to him the other night, there had been a definite tension between them. A large part of that, of course, was because Max had been so deeply entrenched in his work, but she knew quite well that he was also doing his best to avoid the subject. She had made him feel uncomfortable by declaring her feelings, had probably caused him to feel somewhat guilty as well - guilty because he simply didn’t return her feelings and was worried about hurting her. She could only hope that he’d had time to really think about his feelings for her, was perhaps even now pondering the possibility of working out a more permanent relationship between them. And that as his time here in Seattle was drawing to its inevitable close, Max was realizing that he couldn’t bear to be parted from her, and that she meant much more to him than he had ever imagined.

  But all of that was most likely just wishful thinking on her part, Jill realized with an impending sense of doom. Max definitely didn’t seem like the sort of man who would permit himself to be ruled by his emotions. He was too practical, too precise, and seemingly too set in his ways to easily accept any changes. He had also been alone for far too long, used to his solitary lifestyle, and she knew that any woman would have her work cut out for her if she were to try and get him to finally open up and share his life with someone. It was work that she was more than willing to do, however, and Jill was prepared to go all out to convince the man she loved to just give them a chance.

  ‘I don’t believe that he doesn’t care for me,’ she told herself fiercely. ‘Maybe he really is in love with you but he’s just too stubborn - or too afraid - to admit it. Or maybe he doesn’t recognize what his feelings for you really are. He could just be mistaking affection and liking for what they really are - love. So be prepared, Max Wainwright, because I’m not going to let you just walk out of my life without fighting for you. Fighting for us.’

  She felt much better, more confident, after the mental pep talk, and had even begun to rehearse in her head what she was going to say to him when they finally had their “talk” when Trina and Roslyn rushed over to her. Both women were wearing their coats and carrying their purses, and looked at Jill curiously.

  “What are you still doing here?” exclaimed Trina. “In fact, I’m surprised you even came in today since the office is closing at two. Didn’t anyone call or text you?”

  Jill shook her head. “Nope, not a word. Should I assume this all has to do with some big announcement earlier today or something?”

  “Or something,” agreed the slim, trendily garbed Roslyn, her strawberry blonde hair cut in a perfect chin-length bob. “Of course, nobody is telling us any details, but from the looks on the directors faces when they left this morning’s meeting, the news can’t be good.”

  “A meeting that lasted almost four hours,” chimed in Trina. “You could cut the tension with a knife around here while the conference room doors were closed. My manager said there’ll be an all-hands meeting Monday afternoon, we’ll all get an email about what time. But for the time being, nobody’s getting a lick of work done today so they’re just sending everyone home.”

  “Probably so the higher ups can all head to the nearest bar and get stinking drunk,” added Roslyn. “Rumor has it that all of them are worried big time about keeping their jobs. Except, of course, for the three who already got the boot. Ah, that’s probably why you weren’t told about the early close today, Jill, since Allison was one of those three.”

  Jill’s eyes widened in shock. “They fired Allison? Or laid her off?”

  Trina and Roslyn nodded in enthusiastic unison, a satisfied grin on Trina’s face as she gleefully related the story to Jill.

  “Laid off would be my guess, but whatever the details she did not go down without a fight. Screeching and cursing and threatening - God, you could hear her all over the office! They actually had to get two security guards to forcibly escort her out,” chortled Trina. “I wouldn’t want to be within five miles of that witch right now for fear she’d commit bodily harm.”

  Jill frowned. “I don’t understand. I mean, I get it that layoffs are bound to happen, but why immediately like this?”

  Roslyn shrugged. “She is – was - in charge of financial planning. Aside from doing a piss poor job at it given the company’s situation, maybe they also found some sketchy stuff going on. Like fraud or embezzlement. Everyone always wondered how she could afford all those fancy designer duds. Even this morning I noticed she had on a brand new pair of Jimmy Choo’s, and I know for a fact those heels must have set her back a thousand bucks. But, hey, who cares about why she’s gone? Good riddance to the bitch, you know?”

  As Trina and Roslyn continued chattering, sharing their speculations - some of them wildly off-base - about who was going to be laid off next, and how big of a severance package they could expect if and when it was their turn, Jill suddenly realized why Allison Sommers had been one of the very first employees released.

  I’m a firm believer in karma, and Ms. Sommers is overdue for a large helping of it.

  Max had said those exact words to her not so very long ago, and Jill was convinced that it had been upon his recommendation that Allison was no longer employed here. And that he had done so because of her, because he had heard for himself how nasty and cruel Allison had been to her. A little shiver rippled up Jill’s spine at the thought of such a ruthless, intentional action on Max’s part, and she felt a little sorry for anyone who might incur his wrath in the future.

  On the other hand, she couldn’t help feeling oddly touched that he had done this at least in part because of her. Because the other woman had treated her badly, and this perhaps was Max’s best method of revenge. And while it was definitely uncharitable of her to feel a sense of satisfaction at someone else’s expense, Jill couldn’t help herself from smiling just a little.

  “It will be nice, I guess, not to have to worry about getting my head chewed off for no reason,” admitted Jill. “Does anyone know what’s supposed to happen next?”

  “Nothing definite,” replied Trina. “But the fact that the bigwigs called an all hands meeting on Monday has got to be significant. My guess is that they’ll be in a powwow all weekend figuring out what to do next, now that Mr. High and Mighty Consultant has left the building.”

  “What?” Jill’s eyes widened in alarm. “M - I mean, the consultant is already gone? I - well, I guess I assumed he’d stay on a few more days. You know, in case the board had more questions about his recommendations.”

  “Not much point in it, I’d say,” said Roslyn airily. “It’s not his job, after all, to actually do the dirty work. I’m guessing he’s already on an airplane somewhere jetting off to the next company he’s going to put out of business.”

  It was on the tip of Jill’s tongue to correct Roslyn’s assumption that Max was in any way responsible for Pour Elle’s current predicament, but her two co-workers were in a hurry to head out.

  “If we’re going to hear bad news on Monday, might as well get our last weekend of being gainfully employment off to a good start,” trilled Trina. “Roslyn and I are going to get mani-pedis and then hit up as many happy hours as we can find. Want to join us, Jill?”

  Jill gave her co-workers a small smile of regret. “Think I’ll give it a miss. Since the office is closing early I should use the extra time to work on some school assignments. I’ll see you both on Monday. And, um, thanks for the news about Allison. Whether or not I lose my job soon, at least I won’t have to worry about her yelling at me anym
ore.”

  She waited until both women were out of sight, then hurried down the hall in the direction of the office Max had been using. Her heart was beating rapidly, even though she already knew what she would find.

  The office had been completely cleared out of every single report, pen, notepad, and any other trace of Max. It looked as though no one had occupied the space for months, rather than mere hours. Still, she remained there staring at the empty desk and chair for several minutes, telling herself that just because he’d finished up at the office didn’t mean he had already left the hotel. Or, more specifically, left her.

  She grabbed her coat and backpack, having arrived at the office directly from school today, and practically jogged the half mile to the Gregson Hotel. She was so distracted, so intent on seeing Max and finally having that promised “talk”, that for once she barely acknowledged the doorman and security guard in her rush to the elevators. Her breathing was labored from her mad dash, her heart pounding in a combination of dread and anticipation, and her hand visibly shook as she inserted the card key into the suite’s double doors.

  The first thing she noticed when she walked inside were Max’s suitcases and laptop bag in the foyer. He had obviously wasted little time after wrapping up his meeting at Pour Elle before returning here and packing up his belongings. But at least he hadn’t left for the airport yet, she consoled herself as she removed her coat. Which meant there was still time, still a chance - no matter how slim it might be - to convince him that his departure didn’t have to mean the end of what they had together.

  “Jill.”

  She whirled at the sound of her name, freezing in place as she locked gazes with the man she loved so deeply. “Max. Thank goodness. I - well, I heard a little about what happened at the office, and then noticed all of your things there had been cleaned out. I rushed right over here, hoping that you’d still be here, that - that you wouldn’t have - oh, God.”