The One Real Regret

by Janet Nissenson

  Max was pleased to learn that Theo would be able to meet up with him when he flew out to Oslo in a week’s time, and that his old friend would even be staying at the same hotel. Oslo was not one of the cities where Theo owned an art gallery, but he was making the trip to meet with some local artists and perhaps acquire some of their works for one of his establishments.

  But as much as Max enjoyed hearing from Theo, whenever they were in touch he couldn’t help but be reminded of the life he’d left far behind in England, and the many ugly memories he had tried to keep buried away. It was largely because of those memories, and the tumultuous emotions they stirred up within him, that a future with Jill was so impossible.

  In their second year at Kingsbury, Max and Theo, along with their other classmates, had moved up to the senior level at the school, and were now interacting on a daily basis with boys one to three years older. It was a given that the older boys would tease and pick on and even bully the younger ones, but they soon learned - as others had done before them - not to mess with the rather fearsome Max Wainwright. Within a month after the new school term had started, at least half a dozen upperclassmen were sporting bloodied noses, split lips, blackened eyes, or bruised ribs after an encounter with the dangerous looking younger boy.

  Theo had marveled at Max’s good fortune that none of the incidences had been reported to one of the teachers, and that Max had somehow escaped any disciplinary action.

  Max had shrugged carelessly. “Do you really imagine that any of them would be willing to admit they’d been bested by someone younger? And in some cases someone shorter and leaner? Male pride is a very powerful motivator, Theo. And I doubt they’ll be bothering me again since the word will have spread quickly that I’m not someone they want to antagonize.”

  Max curled his fingers into his palms tightly now as he recalled that his actions back then hadn’t stemmed solely from the need to defend or prove himself. He’d been furious, angered almost beyond control, at the taunts and insults hurled at him by the older students - making fun of his still-rough accent, the fact he was at the school on scholarship, his lower class background. It had taken every ounce of control he possessed - something he hadn’t quite mastered at such a young age - to not ram his fist into the smirking face of each and every boy who mocked him.

  And when he’d had to physically defend himself, he had exulted in the immense satisfaction throwing a punch had provided him. When he’d drawn blood it had excited him, to the point where he had felt compelled to keep going, to beat the boy into a pulp and smile gleefully at the bruises and cuts he’d left. It had only been the realization that he would be expelled from the school and sent to the sort of juvenile facility he had dreaded after causing Robby’s accidental death that had held Max back from inflicting more harm than necessary.

  It had taken him years to really gain control over that rush he’d felt whenever the possibility of wreaking violence presented itself. He’d been heavily recruited to play on the school’s rugby team, and soon gained a reputation as the most fearsome blocker in the surrounding district. By his final year at Kingsbury, other schools in their sports league dreaded having to play them, and a couple had even forfeited rather than face Max. He had relished those games, seeing it as an outlet for the rage that threatened to overwhelm him at times, when he could legally make physical contact with another boy and use all of his strength to take him down.

  By the time he’d left England and started college at Stanford, Max had convinced himself that his violent tendencies were a thing of the past. Now that he was in California he’d made a fresh start, a new life, where no one knew anything about his past or cared. Here there were students from all over the world, from a wide range of backgrounds, and everyone was readily accepted no matter their ethnic, religious, or social differences. He had also begun a daily meditation practice, where he would find a quiet, private place, and simply concentrate on his breathing, on calming himself, and learning how to focus his attention in the right manner.

  But while things improved dramatically for him after moving to the States, his dark impulses still lingered menacingly in the background. When he, Jordan, and Finn had decided to pledge to a fraternity their sophomore year, the taunts and insults had started all over again from their older frat brothers, though arguably in a more teasing, less mean fashion. But Max hadn’t wasted anytime in defending himself, and once again it had taken less than a week for the word to spread that you just didn’t want to mess with the British dude.

  Nowadays, he kept to himself so much, avoiding contact with most people outside of his work, that there simply wasn’t any sort of provocation to set him off. But Max had always known that those violent tendencies still resided deep inside of him, and that under the right - or wrong - circumstances, he would unleash them with a fury. He was convinced that he’d inherited those sort of traits from his parents, in particular his father, who had had a reputation as a nasty street fighter even before he’d been arrested for murder.

  And it was the fear that not only wouldn’t he be able to completely keep those inclinations at bay forever, but that he might pass those traits on to a child of his, that had been the main motivation for never getting too close to anyone, and especially not to a woman. It was nearly a given, after all, that this sort of behavior was hereditary, and there was no possibility that he would voluntarily pass his bad genes to an innocent child.

  But that had all been before he met Jill Parrish, had stared into those luminous pale green eyes and felt himself hypnotized by her. During their time together in Seattle, Max had actually allowed himself to hope that maybe, just maybe, he wasn’t as damaged and beyond salvation as he had always believed. That perhaps it would simply take the love of a good woman to save his soul, to redeem him, and allow him to finally find happiness and contentment.

  Thank God he had come to his senses before it had been too late, he thought now. Before he had done something foolish like agree to continue his relationship with Jill, or ask her to move to San Francisco after getting her degree. Because to do so would have inevitably resulted in disaster, given how inept he was with relationships and feelings. He would have continued to shut her out, to refuse to confide his deepest, darkest secrets to her, and she would have grown frustrated and angry with him sooner than later.

  No, it was better all around that he’d broken things off when he did, even if he had broken her heart in the process. She would get over him eventually, perhaps much sooner than he thought. After all, he imagined she was furious with him right now, furious and deeply hurt, for having blocked her calls and texts and emails. He hoped for her sake that she had cursed his name vividly, wished she had never met him, and already moved on to a much more suitable young man who didn’t have the sort of emotional baggage Max was saddled with.

  As for himself - well, the heartache he was experiencing now was what he deserved. It was his punishment, not just for hurting Jill but for being selfish enough to get involved with her in the first place. And it was also atonement in some way for his past actions, for causing Robby’s death and his mother’s arrest, for the boys he’d taken such satisfaction in pummeling and tackling, and even for the ones he hadn’t laid a hand on but had longed to wreck havoc on. And if he never quite got over giving Jill up - well, that, too, would be his penance. Just like loving her was always going to be his living hell.

  “Well, might as well torture yourself a bit more then, don’t you think?” drawled Max out loud as he retrieved his phone and began to scroll through the text messages until he located the one he’d sought.

  It was the last one Jill had sent him before he had blocked her, the one that had filled him with mingled joy and bleakness, knowing on the one hand of her love for him, but on the other realizing that it was a gift he could never allow himself to accept.

  Max,

  I know what you’re probably thinking right now - doesn’t this girl ever get the hint? Why does she keep pesterin
g me with these pointless texts and emails? I’ve already told her that it’s over between us, that I’m not interested in having a relationship with her or any other woman. And yet she keeps persisting in trying to get me to change my mind, won’t take no for an answer. Well, if I do, I have a very, very good reason. It’s because I love you with every breath in my body, Max, and I know that you care for me, too, even if you’re way too stubborn and set in your ways to admit it. You and I were meant to be together, Max, you know that as well as I do. So please, please, call me or text me. Can’t we talk this out? I know you’ve got all these deep, dark secrets that you don’t feel like you can share with me, so I’ll agree not to pester you about them until you’re hopefully ready to talk about them someday. I’ll go along with whatever terms you set out for this relationship, just as long as we can be together in some way. Because I know that I will never love another man the way I love you, Max, and if you’d bother to set aside your fears and doubts you’d realize that it’s the same for you. Don’t throw away what we have together, please? It would be the worst mistake you’ll ever make.

  His finger hovered over the delete button, knowing he should really get rid of this message along with all of the others that he had saved. But to do so would well and truly drive home the point that a future with Jill was completely and utterly hopeless, something he couldn’t permit himself to even dream about. And because he wasn’t quite ready to accept that fact, he chose to archive the message rather than delete it outright, vowing to himself that once he felt a little stronger, a little less heartsick, he would resolutely remove each and every trace of Jill Parrish from his life.

  Chapter Seventeen

  Late July - Seattle

  “Sweetie, are you sure you don’t want to make the drive down to California with us? We could use your help, you know. Casey’s got this truck so loaded up with junk it’s going to take days to unpack. And did I mention her apartment is on the third floor in an old building with no elevator?”

  Jill nodded. “Yes, I’m sure, Sho. It’s going to take the two of you at least a week to stop at your new place in San Jose and unload your stuff before you continue on to Casey’s place in L.A. Even if I flew back, that’s still a week’s time I’d have to take off from work. And since I’ve only been there less than two months I can’t ask for that many days right now. Besides, I know exactly why you’re still bugging me to go with you. And it has nothing to do with helping to unpack.”

  Shoshana gave her a guilty smile. “Yeah, I’m pretty crap at lying, aren’t I? But you know Case and I are worried about you, Jill. It’s been months, after all, and you still look like your whole world went up in smoke.”

  “That’s because it did,” replied Jill quietly. “But it’s getting a little better every day, and I promise I’ll be fine. Besides, you and Casey have jobs of your own waiting for you, so the last thing you should be doing is worrying about me.”

  “Like that’s going to happen,” scolded Shoshana, enfolding Jill in a comforting hug. “You’re like our sister, you know. And you need someone to worry about you, sweetie, someone to look out for you. If not your two best friends, then who else, hmm?”

  “Honestly, I’ll be okay,” assured Jill. “I’m working such crazy hours at this new job that I really don’t have time for much else.”

  “Apparently that includes eating,” chimed in Casey as she carried another heavy moving box out of her bedroom. “No matter how much Sho and I try to fatten you up, you keep losing weight. At least ten pounds since January, I’d guess. And I know, because that’s about how much weight Sho and I have both gained in that time. We keep buying you all this yummy stuff to tempt your appetite, and when you don’t eat it, we do. And we don’t even have Tam here to push it off on any longer.”

  Tam, who had in fact graduated with her three roommates in early June, hadn’t wasted any time in packing up her few belongings and catching a plane to Michigan, where she’d been accepted to medical school. She’d been intent on finding a place to live, and maybe taking a couple of classes over the summer to get a jump on the fall semester. And while she’d been as unemotional and detached as ever about leaving her roommates, Jill had glimpsed a shimmer of tears in her eyes when she had bid them all good-bye.

  Shoshana had taken her time in considering the half dozen job offers she’d received, finally accepting a position with one of the top genetic research firms in Silicon Valley. She was due to start in two weeks time, just long enough to drive the overloaded moving truck to her new horrendously expensive apartment, quickly unload her things, and then continue further south to Casey’s new place in Los Angeles, help her unpack, and then catch a flight back to San Jose.

  Casey hadn’t taken nearly as long to accept a job offer, given that she’d only received one really viable offer, and even that had been less than ideal. She was going to have to scrape by on a much lower salary than she’d originally envisioned, live in a shithole apartment - her exact words - endure an insane commute every day, and be worked like a virtual slave. But she’d known all along that breaking into the digital arts field wasn’t going to be easy, and that she would have to work her way up from the bottom.

  As for herself, Jill had been pleasantly surprised at just how easy it had been to find a quality job right here in Seattle. As far back as February, she had already been recruited in earnest by several major companies, and the offers had continued to come in as the weeks had passed. Jill, too, had taken her time in considering the various offers, doing her research on each company’s financial status, the employee benefits, the opportunities for advancement, and of course the salary. In the end, she had decided on the job that didn’t offer the highest salary, but that sounded the most interesting and where she would be able to grow and learn.

  Shoshana and Casey had helped her hunt for a new apartment, since they were giving up the lease on the house at the end of the month. Jill had fallen in love with a cozy one-bedroom place in Seattle’s Queen Anne neighborhood. The apartment was located in a gorgeous brick building with all sorts of vintage details, while the unit itself featured original wood floors, crown molding, a claw foot bathtub, and tons of charm. She had officially moved in on the first of the month, but had spent most of her nights here at the house, wanting to spend as much time as possible with Shoshana and Casey before they left town. Then, too, she had felt obliged to help clean the house out, and leave it in good condition for the new tenants. The three roommates had held a garage sale last weekend, getting rid of the bulk of the furnishings and things they weren’t taking with them to their respective new residences. Shoshana had taken the few things leftover to the local Goodwill donation drop-off. Now all that remained was to give the place a good scrubbing and have one farewell dinner before Shoshana and Casey headed out to California.

  Jill was taking her time in furnishing her new place, selecting each piece of furniture, each wall hanging, all of the dishes and rugs and other household goods, with care. She had disliked most of the ultra-modern apartments she’d looked at, especially since they had been professionally staged with equally modern furniture and decorations. To her, that particular look had seemed cold and impersonal, not to mention lacking any sort of originality. And since this was her first real place, the first time she would be living completely on her own, it was important that the décor reflected her personality and specific likes.

  She was excited about the prospect of living alone for the first time in her life, but admittedly more than a little afraid at the same time. It was one of the reasons she’d still been hanging around the house so much, if she was being totally honest with herself. She was afraid, not of her new neighborhood or surroundings, but of being lonely. For the first nineteen years of her life she had actually longed to be alone at times, and escape her grandmother’s constant vigilance and ridiculous rules. But living with girls her own age had proven to be entirely different than cohabitating with an elderly person, and the past two years had
been so much fun that Jill couldn’t bear the thought that it was all going to end any day now.

  She’d entertained the thought of finding new roommates, and staying in the house. But Shoshana had been the one to encourage her to get a place of her own, to be independent for once, and make that final break with her restrictive past.

  “Hey, Case and I are in the exact same situation, you know,” Shoshana had pointed out. “Except, of course, that both of us grew up with two parents and siblings. In my case, way too many siblings. But even though having an entire apartment to myself, not to mention complete privacy, sounds like heaven, I’m feeling a little anxious about it myself. I mean, what if I don’t like living alone? Who’s going to help me cook chili or spaghetti or chocolate chip pancakes? More importantly, who’s going to help me eat all of that food? God, I’m going to gain fifty pounds, aren’t I?”

  Jill had laughed at her friend’s usual dramatics. “You’re going to be too busy working fourteen hours a day to make homemade chili very often. But I guess it’s good to know that I’m not the only one having separation anxiety.” She’d nibbled on her bottom lip uncertainly. “You know, I did get a few offers from companies in San Francisco and Silicon Valley. If I had taken one of those, you and I could have continued being roommates. But, well, I didn’t want to live that close to - to Max.”

  Shoshana had nodded in understanding. “I agree with that reasoning. Oh, not that I wouldn’t have loved sharing a place with you, but I think maybe it’s best for all of us to spread our wings a little, and not keep being co-dependent on each other. That doesn’t mean we aren’t going to keep in very, very close touch, and have reunions at least three or four times a year. The good thing about all of us continuing to live on the West Coast is that we’re each just a short plane ride away. Though you and I are probably going to have to go to Casey, rather than the other way around, since she’s going to be earning peanuts for the foreseeable future.”