Brother, we should but smile at her discourse.
And yet her notions have a certain force:
All women like a bit of freedom, and
It’s wrong to rule them with a heavy hand.
It isn’t bolts and bars and strict controls
That give our wives and maidens virtuous souls;
No, honor keeps their feet on duty’s path,
And not our harshness or our threatened wrath.
I say, indeed, that there’s no woman known
Who’s good and faithful through constraint alone.
We can’t dictate a woman’s every move:
If we’re to sway her, it must be by love,
And I, whatever curbs I’d put upon her,
Would not feel safe were I to trust my honor
To one who was deterred from wronging me
Only by lack of opportunity.
SGANARELLE
What drivel!
ARISTE
As you like; but still I say
That we should school the young in a pleasant way,
And chide them very gently when they’ve erred,
Lest virtue come to seem a hateful word.
I’ve raised Léonor by maxims such as these;
I’ve not made crimes of little liberties;
To all her young desires I’ve given consent—
Of which, thank Heaven, I’ve no cause to repent.
I’ve let her see good company, and go
To balls, and plays, and every sort of show,
Such social pleasures being well designed,
I’ve always held, to form a youthful mind.
The world’s a school in which we learn to live
By better lessons than any book could give.
She’s fond of buying gowns, and bows and frills:
Well, what of that? I give her what she wills,
For gay attire’s a thing we should permit
Young girls to enjoy, if we can pay for it.
She’s pledged to wed me by her father’s order,
But I shall not be overbearing toward her:
I well know that, in years, we’re far apart,
And so I free her to consult her heart.
If the four thousand crowns I yearly earn,
My deep affection, and my dear concern
Can compensate, in her considered view,
For all the years which separate us two,
Then she shall wed me; if not, she’ll choose another.
She might be happier without me, Brother,
And I had rather give her up than see
Her forced, against her will, to marry me.
SGANARELLE
How sweet he is! All sugar and spice! My, my!
ARISTE
Well, that’s my nature, thank the Lord, and I
Deplore the too-strict training which has led
So many children to wish their parents dead.
SGANARELLE
The more one lets the young run wild, the greater
A task it is to discipline them later;
You’ll view her willful habits with misgiving
When the time comes to change her mode of living.
ARISTE
Why should I change it?
SGANARELLE
Why?
ARISTE
Yes.
SGANARELLE
I don’t know.
ARISTE
Is there any disgrace, do you think, in living so?
SGANARELLE
Oh come! If you marry her, will you still allow
The girlish freedoms you permit her now?
ARISTE
Why not?
SGANARELLE
Then you’ll indulge her, I suppose,
In wearing ribbons, beauty spots and bows?
ARISTE
Of course.
SGANARELLE
And let her madly run about
To every ball, or fashionable rout?
ARISTE
Quite so.
SGANARELLE
You’ll receive young gallants in your house?
ARISTE
Why, yes.
SGANARELLE
To make merry, and amuse your spouse?
ARISTE
Indeed.
SGANARELLE
And they’ll pay her flowery compliments?
ARISTE
No doubt.
SGANARELLE
And you’ll stand by at these events,
Looking entirely unconcerned and cool?
ARISTE
Most certainly.
SGANARELLE
Enough! You’re an old fool.
(To Isabelle:)
Go in; you mustn’t hear such shameful rot.
ARISTE
I’ll trust my wife’s fidelity, and shall not
Do otherwise, when married, than now I do.
SGANARELLE
How I’ll enjoy it when she cuckolds you!
ARISTE
I don’t know what the stars intend for me,
But if they should deny you cuckoldry
It won’t be your fault, for you’ve taken great
Pains to deserve that horny-headed state.
SGANARELLE
Laugh on, my jester. It’s wondrous to behold
A clown who’s almost sixty winters old!
LÉONOR
If he should wed me, I’d never make him bear
The fate of which you speak; to that I’ll swear.
But were I forced to wear your wedding ring,
I frankly couldn’t promise anything.
LISETTE
We owe fidelity to them that trust us;
But cheating folk like you is simple justice.
SGANARELLE
Just hold your cursèd, ill-bred tongue, d’you hear?
ARISTE
You’ve brought this mockery on yourself, I fear.
Farewell. Do change your views, and realize
That locking up one’s wife can be unwise.
Brother, your servant.
SGANARELLE
I’m not your servant, Brother.
(Alone:)
Oh, but those three are made for one another!
What a fine household! An agèd maniac
With foppish clothing on his creaking back;
A girlish mistress who’s a wild coquette;
Impudent servants; wisdom herself would get
Nothing but headaches by attempting to
Correct the ways of that unbalanced crew.
Lest Isabelle, in their loose company,
Should lose the sound ideas she’s learned from me,
I’ll send her back where she’ll be safe from harm
Among the beans and turkeys of my farm.
Scene 3
Valère, Sganarelle, Ergaste.
VALÈRE
(At the rear of the stage.)
Ergaste, look: there’s that Argus I abhor,
The guardian of the girl whom I adore.
SGANARELLE
(Thinking himself alone:)
It’s altogether shocking, the decay
Of manners and of morals in our day!
VALÈRE
I’m going to accost him, if I can,
And strike up an acquaintance with the man.
SGANARELLE
(Thinking himself alone:)
Where are those standards, stern and absolute,
Which were the basis, once, of good repute?
Our wild young folk indulge their every whim,
And won’t . . .
(Valère bows to Sganarelle, from a distance.)
VALÈRE
He didn’t see me bow to him.
ERGASTE
Maybe he’s blind on this side; what do you say
We walk around him?
SGANARELLE
(Thinking himself alone:)
I must end my stay.
Life in this city only serves to rouse
>
My worst . . .
VALÈRE
(Approaching bit by bit.)
I must gain entrance to his house.
SGANARELLE
(Hearing a noise:)
Did I hear a voice?
(Thinking himself alone:)
In the country, praise the Lord,
The follies of these times can be ignored.
ERGASTE
(To Valère:)
Go up to him.
SGANARELLE
(Once more hearing a noise:)
Eh?
(Hearing no further sound:)
My ears are ringing, I guess.
(Thinking himself alone:)
There, girls have simple pleasures, simple dress . . .
(He sees Valère bowing to him.)
What’s this?
ERGASTE
(To Valère:)
Get closer.
SGANARELLE
(Still staring at Valère:)
There, no fops are seen . . .
(Valère bows to him again.)
What the devil—
(He turns and sees Ergaste bowing on the other side.)
Another? Such bowing! What does it mean?
VALÈRE
Do I disrupt your thoughts, sir, by this greeting?
SGANARELLE
Perhaps.
VALÈRE
Forgive me; but this happy meeting
Is such a privilege, such a pleasure, too,
I couldn’t forgo this chance to speak with you.
SGANARELLE
I see.
VALÈRE
And to assure you that I stand
Entirely at your service, heart and hand.
SGANARELLE
I’m sure of it.
VALÈRE
It’s my happiness to be
Your neighbor, for which I thank my destiny.
SGANARELLE
Well put.
VALÈRE
But now, sir, have your heard the new
Gossip at court? Some think it may be true.
SGANARELLE
Does that concern me?
VALÈRE
No; but in such a matter
Folk sometimes like to hear the latest chatter.
Shall you go see the lavish preparations
For our new Dauphin’s natal celebrations?
SGANARELLE
If I like.
VALÈRE
Ah, Paris affords us, you must own,
A hundred pleasures which elsewhere are unknown;
The country offers nothing that compares.
What are your pastimes?
SGANARELLE
Tending to my affairs.
VALÈRE
Still, one needs relaxation, and the brain,
From too much serious use, can suffer strain.
What do you do ’twixt supper time and bed?
SGANARELLE
Just what I please.
VALÈRE
Ah, sir, that’s nicely said;
A wise reply; we all should see life thus,
And only do what truly pleases us.
Some evening, if you’re free of business, I’ll
Drop by, if I may, and chat with you a while.
SGANARELLE
Your servant.
Scene 4
Valère, Ergaste.
VALÈRE
That crackpot! What did you make of him?
ERGASTE
He gives gruff answers, and his manner’s grim.
VALÈRE
Oh, I can’t bear it!
ERGASTE
What?
VALÈRE
It irks my soul
That the one I love is under the control
Of a fierce, sharp-eyed dragon who will never
Allow her any liberty whatever.
ERGASTE
Why, that’s to your advantage; the situation
Should fill your heart with hope and expectation.
Cheer up; you have no cause to feel undone.
A woman closely watched is halfway won,
And a harsh husband or a crabbed sire
Is just what any lover should desire.
I don’t chase women; for that I have no talent;
And I do not profess to be a gallant;
But I’ve served woman-chasers by the score
Who told me often that nothing pleased them more
Than meeting with those fractious husbands who
Come grumbling home and scold all evening through,
Those brutes who groundlessly mistrust their wives,
Checking on every moment of their lives,
And act proprietary and unpleasant
When young admirers of their wives are present.
“All this,” they said, “is favorable to us.
The lady’s pique at being treated thus,
And the warm sympathy which we then express,
Can pave the way to amorous success.”
In short, if you have hopes of Isabelle,
Her guardian’s cranky ways may serve you well.
VALÈRE
But for four months I’ve been her worshipper,
And never had one chance to speak with her!
ERGASTE
Love makes men clever; but it’s not done much for you.
In your place, I’d—
VALÈRE
But what was there to do?
She’s never seen without that beast nearby;
There are no servants in his house whom I
Could tempt with little gifts, and thus obtain
As helpers in my amorous campaign.
ERGASTE
Then she doesn’t know, as yet, of your devotion?
VALÈRE
Well, as to that I have no certain notion.
Whenever that barbarian’s taken her out,
She’s seen me, for I’ve shadowed her about
And sought by fervent glances to impart
The raging passion that is in my heart.
My eyes have spoken boldly; but how well
She’s understood their language, who can tell?
ERGASTE
Such language can be hard to fathom, when
It’s not interpreted by tongue or pen.
VALÈRE
How can I end this anguishing ordeal,
And learn if she’s aware of what I feel?
Think of some stratagem.
ERGASTE
That’s what we must discover.
Let’s go inside a while, and think it over.
Act Two
Scene 1
Isabelle, Sganarelle.
SGANARELLE
That’s quite enough; I know the house, and can,
From what you tell me, recognize the man.
ISABELLE
(Aside:)
O Heaven! be gracious now, and lend your aid
To the artful plot my innocent love has laid.
SGANARELLE
You’ve learned, I gather, that his name’s Valère?
ISABELLE
Yes.
SGANARELLE
Go then; don’t fret; I’ll handle this affair.
I’ll speak at once to that young lunatic.
ISABELLE
(As she goes in:)
It’s bold for a girl to play this sort of trick;
But since I’m harshly and unjustly used,
I hope, by all fair minds, to be excused.
Scene 2
Sganarelle, Ergaste, Valère.
SGANARELLE
(At Valère’s door.)
Well here’s the house. I’ll act without delay.
Who goes there? Ah, I’m dreaming . . . Hullo, I say!
It doesn’t surprise me, knowing what now I know,
That he paid court to me an hour ago;
But I’ll soon dash the hopes of this fond lover—
(To Ergaste, who has come out in haste:)
You
clumsy oaf! Do you mean to knock me over?
Why stand there like a post and block the door?
VALÈRE
I regret, sir—
SGANARELLE
Ah! It’s you I’m looking for.
VALÈRE
I, sir?
SGANARELLE
Yes, you. Your name’s Valère, I find.
School for Husbands and the Imaginary Cuckold, or Sganarelle Page 3
