SGANARELLE
What?
ISABELLE
Would you believe it? She loves that rogue whom we
Have just sent packing.
SGANARELLE
Valère?
ISABELLE
Yes, desperately:
I’ve never seen an ardor so intense;
And you may judge her passion’s violence
By her coming here, at such an hour, alone,
To make the anguish of her spirit known.
She told me that she surely will expire
Unless she can obtain her heart’s desire,
That for a year and more, Valère and she
Were fervent lovers, meeting secretly,
And that, when first they loved, they traded vows,
Each promising to become the other’s spouse.
SGANARELLE
The wretched girl!
ISABELLE
That, knowing how I’d sent
The man she worships into banishment,
She begged me to allow her, since her heart
Would break if he were ever to depart,
To bid him in my name to come tonight
And stand beneath my window, so that she might
Impersonate my voice, and in a vein
Of sweet indulgence move him to remain—
Thus using for her own ends, as you see,
The warm regard she knows he feels for me.
SGANARELLE
And do you condone—
ISABELLE
I? No, I’m much put out.
“Sister,” I said, “you’re mad beyond a doubt.
Do you not blush to throw your heart away
On a fickle sort who changes every day,
And shame your sex by choosing him instead
Of the trusting man whom Heaven would have you wed?”
SGANARELLE
Just what the fool deserves; I’m most content.
ISABELLE
In short, with many a furious argument
I chided her behavior, and said I quite
Refused to let her use my room tonight;
But she poured such entreaties in my ears,
And heaved such sighs, and wept so many tears,
And said so often that she would despair
Unless I granted her impassioned prayer,
That love for her compelled me to accede.
Then, to secure the witness I might need
To clear my name, I thought to ask my friend
Lucrèce, whose many virtues you commend,
To spend the night with me. But ere I could go,
Your quick return surprised me, as you know.
SGANARELLE
No! All this jugglery I won’t permit.
To spite my brother, I might agree to it;
But from the street they might be seen and heard;
And she on whom my hand’s to be conferred
Must be not only chaste by disposition,
And gently bred, but quite above suspicion.
Let’s send this wanton girl away, and teach her—
ISABELLE
Oh, no; you’d be too harsh with the poor creature;
And she might very justly take offense
At my betrayal of her confidence.
Since you require me to refuse my sister,
Stay here, at least, until I have dismissed her.
SGANARELLE
Well, do so, then.
ISABELLE
Pray find some place of hiding,
And let her leave without reproach or chiding.
SGANARELLE
For love of you I’ll curb my anger, dear;
But just as soon as she is out of here
I’ll run and find my brother; ’twill be a rare
Pleasure to let him know of this affair.
ISABELLE
In your account, please leave my name unsaid.
Good night: When she has left, I’ll go to bed.
SGANARELLE
Until tomorrow, my pet. I cannot wait
To see my brother, and tell him of his fate!
He’s proven a fool, for all his glib conceit:
Not for a million would I miss this treat.
ISABELLE
(Inside the house.)
Yes, Sister, I’m sorry that you’re so distressed,
But I can’t grant the favor you request:
The danger to my honor would be too great.
Farewell. Best hurry home; it’s growing late.
SGANARELLE
She’ll leave, I wager, feeling cross and sore.
For fear she may come back, I’ll lock the door.
ISABELLE
(Aside, as she emerges in disguise:)
Help my cause, Heaven; don’t abandon me.
SGANARELLE
(Aside:)
Where is she going? I’ll follow a bit, and see.
ISABELLE
(Aside:)
At any rate, this dark night serves my end.
SGANARELLE
(Aside:)
She’s gone to Valère’s house! What can she intend?
Scene 3
Valère, Isabelle, Sganarelle.
VALÈRE
(Coming out in haste.)
Yes, yes; tonight, if some way can be found
To tell her . . . Who’s there?
ISABELLE
Valère, don’t make a sound.
You needn’t go out; I’m here; it’s Isabelle.
SGANARELLE
(Aside:)
No, you’re not she; what a brazen lie you tell!
She lives by honor, whereas you flirt with shame,
And falsely have assumed her voice and name.
ISABELLE
(To Valère:)
However, unless your goal is matrimony—
VALÈRE
My heart is moved by that sweet purpose only.
Tomorrow, I assure you, I shall seize
The chance to wed you in any church you please.
SGANARELLE
(Aside:)
Poor hoodwinked fool!
VALÈRE
Come in, and have no fear;
That dupe, your guardian, cannot touch you here,
And ere I let him sunder me from you
This arm of mine will run him through and through.
SGANARELLE
(Alone:)
Oh, rest assured that I won’t deprive you of
This shameless girl, who’s so enslaved by love;
That what you’ve promised her does not aggrieve me,
And that I’ll make you marry her, believe me!
Yes, he must be surprised with that young doxy:
Both as her well-respected father’s proxy
And for her sister’s name, I must see to it
That she avoids disgrace, if I can do it.
Ho, there!
(He knocks at the door of a Magistrate.)
Scene 4
Sganarelle, a Magistrate, a Notary, an Attendant with a lantern.
MAGISTRATE
Yes?
SGANARELLE
Magistrate, I’m glad you’re here.
You’re needed, sir, in your official gear.
Please follow me, and bring that lantern, too.
MAGISTRATE
We were going—
SGANARELLE
But this is urgent.
MAGISTRATE
What must I do?
SGANARELLE
Go in there, and take two culprits by surprise
Who should be joined by lawful marriage ties.
I know the girl: She, trusting in the vows
Of one Valère, was lured into his house.
She comes of good and noble family, yet—
MAGISTRATE
If that’s your purpose, we’re indeed well met,
For we have a notary with us.
SGANARELLE
That would be you, sir?<
br />
NOTARY
Yes; a king’s notary.
MAGISTRATE
A man of honor too, sir.
SGANARELLE
Of course. Well, use that door—tread softly, eh?—
And don’t let anybody get away.
You shall be well rewarded for this endeavor;
Don’t let them try to grease your palm, however.
MAGISTRATE
What! Do you think that a jurist of my station—?
SGANARELLE
I meant no slur upon your occupation.
I’ll go at once and fetch my brother. Kindly
Allow your lantern-bearer to walk behind me.
(Aside:)
Now, gentle Brother, I’ll pay you a cheery visit.
Hello!
(He knocks at Ariste’s door.)
Scene 5
Ariste, Sganarelle.
ARISTE
Who’s knocking? Ah there, Brother! What is it?
SGANARELLE
Come, my wise pedagogue, my agèd beau,
There are pretty doings of which you ought to know.
ARISTE
How’s that?
SGANARELLE
I bring you pleasant tidings.
ARISTE
Well?
SGANARELLE
Where is your Léonor tonight, pray tell?
ARISTE
Why do you ask? As I recall, she’s gone
To a friend’s house, for a ball.
SGANARELLE
Ha! Well, come on
And see what sort of ball such girls prefer.
ARISTE
What are you saying?
SGANARELLE
How well you’ve tutored her!
“It does no good to censure and upbraid;
No, it’s by kindness that young minds are swayed;
It isn’t bolts and bars and strict controls
That give our wives and maidens virtuous souls;
Too much constraint can make them misbehave,
And a bit of freedom’s what all women crave.”
Well, she’s been free in the extreme, I’d say,
And her virtue grows more easy every day.
ARISTE
What are you getting at? I cannot quite—
SGANARELLE
Ah, dearest elder Brother, this serves you right!
I wouldn’t miss it; you shall now find out
What your crazed theories have brought about.
See how these girls reflect what they’ve been taught;
Mine flees from gallants, yours chooses to be caught.
ARISTE
If you won’t stop riddling—
SGANARELLE
The riddle of this affair
Is that her ball’s at the house of young Valère;
That I saw her steal by night into his place,
And that she’s, even now, in his embrace.
ARISTE
Who?
SGANARELLE
Léonor.
ARISTE
Please, please, let’s have no jokes.
SGANARELLE
He dares dismiss my story as a hoax!
Poor fellow, I’ve told you—and I say once more—
That at Valère’s you’ll find your Léonor.
Know, too, that they were pledged to marry, well
Before he dreamt of courting Isabelle.
ARISTE
This tale’s preposterous. You cannot mean it.
SGANARELLE
He won’t believe it, even when he’s seen it!
This drives me mad. Old age without a brain
(Tapping his forehead:)
Is not worth much.
ARISTE
Come, Brother, do you maintain—
SGANARELLE
Lord, no! I maintain nothing. Just follow me,
And you’ll be freed from all uncertainty.
You’ll see if I lie, and if it isn’t so
That their troths were plighted more than a year ago.
ARISTE
Does it seem likely that she would embark
On such a course, and leave me in the dark,
When, all her life, I’ve looked with an entire
Indulgence on her every young desire,
And promised always that I’d not prevent
Her heart from freely following its bent?
SGANARELLE
Come, let your own eyes judge how matters stand.
A magistrate and notary are on hand:
The promised marriage should at once take place,
I think, to rescue her from more disgrace.
You, I assume, care something for your honor,
And would not wed her with this stain upon her—
Unless you fancy that your liberal vision
And fine ideas could save you from derision.
ARISTE
To claim another’s heart against her will
Is something I would scorn to do. But still
I’m not convinced that—
SGANARELLE
How you do run on!
Let’s go, or we’ll be chattering here till dawn.
Scene 6
Sganarelle, Ariste, the Magistrate, the Notary.
MAGISTRATE
There’s no need for compulsion, gentlemen;
If all you want is to see them married, then
I here and now can give you peace of mind.
Both parties, I am told, are so inclined,
And here is a signed statement from Valère
That he means to wed the girl now in his care.
ARISTE
And the girl’s—?
MAGISTRATE
Locked in, and won’t come out unless
You grant their wish for wedded happiness.
Scene 7
Valère, the Magistrate, the Notary, Sganarelle, Ariste.
VALÈRE
(At the window of his house.)
No, gentlemen; none shall enter here till you’ve
Assured me formally that you approve.
You know me, sirs; I’ve done what I must do
And signed the instrument they’ll show to you.
If you are willing, then, for us to marry,
Your signatures are all that’s necessary;
If not, you’ll have to take my life before
You rob me of the one whom I adore.
SGANARELLE
No, we’ll not rob you; set your mind at rest.
(Sotto voce, aside:)
He still believes that Isabelle is his guest:
Well, let him think it.
ARISTE
(To Valère:)
But is it Léonor—?
SGANARELLE
(To Ariste:)
Be quiet.
ARISTE
But—
SGANARELLE
Hush.
ARISTE
I want to know—
SGANARELLE
Once more,
Will you be quiet?
VALÈRE
In any case, good sirs,
Isabelle has my pledge, as I have hers.
Do think it over: I’m not so poor a catch
That you should make objection to the match.
ARISTE
(To Sganarelle:)
The name he said was—
SGANARELLE
Quiet! When this is through,
You shall know everything. (To Valère) Yes, without more ado,
We both agree that you shall be the spouse
Of her who is at present in your house.
MAGISTRATE
Just how this contract puts it, to the letter.
The name’s left blank, because we’ve not yet met her.
Sign here. The girl can do so by and by.
VALÈRE
I agree to that.
SGANARELLE
With my whole heart, so do I.
(Aside:)
What a l
augh I soon shall have! (To Ariste) Sign, Brother dear;
You should go first.
ARISTE
All this is so unclear—
SGANARELLE
Sign, sign, you idiot! What are you waiting for?
ARISTE
He speaks of Isabelle, you of Léonor.
School for Husbands and the Imaginary Cuckold, or Sganarelle Page 6
