Technophobe!

by Matt Crawley

  Chapter 2

  Three weeks later. 7:45PM

  Aaron had won the bet. Jim's stubbornness had held off his curiosity, but only just. At work, he was the only one in the building to not have an account. The caretakers and canteen workers also spoke about their lives through the SoulNet language. It was getting a bit lonesome. The new thing on the site was the growing number of 'Soul Parties' that were being set up by the site's users. "Is Motown having a big comeback or something?" He joked at work, but no-one really got it. Most of those he worked with had attended a Soul Party, and they had tonnes of photos on the website to prove it. 'Here goes,' he thought. 'I don't have to be on it everyday or anything. This is just to know what everyone's talking about.'

  He opened up the site's homepage. The site's logo was a swirling blue sphere, and on its front was what seemed to be four arrows pointing North, South, East and West. The arrow heads were more like swirling love hearts, copper green coloured, almost art-deco. To Jim, it seemed more like a logo for a space program or an airline, but certainly not a networking site. He clicked on the 'Register' button, and filled in his basic details, name and address, email, etc, begrudgingly. The next page asked for some more personal information: 'How would you describe your personality? Are you charitable? Popular? Comedic? ('Who uses the word comedic?' Jim thought) Happy? Depressed? The list was extensive. It wouldn't let him skip that part, so he rushed through, selecting random answers. It asked him about favourite pastimes, films, books, sports, everything about him. Then the screen flickered and flashed. It had taken a photo of him through his webcam, which took him totally by surprise. "What the hell?" he whispered to the screen, as an unflattering, gormless picture of his face appeared on the screen, like a passport picture. "I'm bored already!" He said, folding his arms.

  "Congratulations, you are now registered to surf the SoulNet!" the screen read.

  "Thanks but no thanks." He muttered.

  He tried the various menus and options, added his closest friends and put a couple of decent photos on himself on the account. There was nothing that stood the site out above the others. For Jim, it was rather lifeless and uninspiring. He didn't get it. 'Am I missing a gene that everyone else has? Am I immune? They should sell my DNA as antidote!' he thought to himself - the kind of thoughts one never shares with others.

  After about half an hour he had twelve SoulNet 'friends'. These were mostly old faces from school, his siblings, and his flatmate. Soon afterwards, a female user, called 'Alex', sent him a text conversation invite. He looked at Alex's profile - she had no picture, and barely any information, except the city she lived in. Interestingly, she was online friends with all of his SoulNet contacts. 'Why have I not heard of this person before?' He wondered. He accepted the conversation - his curiosity got the better of him. Her comments popped up on the screen.

  - Hi Colonel Jimbo Sanders! ? (This was his account name he had given himself)

  - Hi, do I know you? (He typed slowly)

  - You may have seen me around, people at work told me about you, said you were an interesting guy.

  ('Well that couldn't have been anyone from my work' he thought.)

  - Uh-huh

  - I'm a big fan of noir films too, perhaps we could watch a few?

  - Im sorry, who are you?

  - I'm Alex.

  - Ok, I think this is all a bit fake so I don't feel all that comfortable talking to you.

  - I'm fine once you get to know me ? What sort of things do you like to do?

  - I like to destroy websites like these, with the power of my mind.

  - Wow that sounds interesting! What else? (She did not seem to realise that he was not taking the conversation seriously)

  - I like to talk to myself. I'm not right in the head.

  - I like you already ? I see you're into politics. What are your dreams, Jimbo? My dream is to be a politician and get rid of corruption in government.

  - I want to be an astronaut and solve world hunger. 'Why do I feel so uneasy about this person?' He thought 'There's something so unnatural about her. Is she acting? Someone from the site's admin? She seems to be repeating back to me a lot of the crap I had put as my personal info when I registered.'

  - That's great! I did a Bachelor's in astrophysics few years ago, space is pretty cool!

  'You don't say.' He frowned. She seemed a little too 'perfect' to be anyone he would be vaguely interested in talking to.

  - Where did you study?

  - Thames College of Technology. ('Funny' he thought. 'Just where I studied. Seriously. We seem to have a lot in common, Alex. Except that I exist and you don't.')

  - Why don't you have a photo yet? (He asked, suspiciously)

  - I haven't put one on just yet, I find the website a bit confusing. Could you help me? ?

  'You did studied astrophysics and you can't upload a basic photo?' He pondered. 'The smiley faces are a cute touch though, I'll give you that'

  - There is a help page.

  - Yeah but it's so confusing! I would love you to help me, I think you're great!

  'I've had enough of this.' He sighed.

  - I don't know who you are but this feels very fake so I'm gonna go.

  - Oh please don't. I'd like to get to know you better ?

  - Fake

  - There's a big Soul Party on in a few days time, maybe we could meet there?'

  - Fakefakefakefakefakefakefkae

  - What do you mean by that?

  - SoulNet is fake.

  - Why?

  Then he became a zealot for the copy and paste buttons.

  - SoulNet is fake. SoulNet is fake. SoulNet is fake. SoulNet is fake. SoulNet is fake. SoulNet is fake. SoulNet is fake. SoulNet is fake. SoulNet is fake. SoulNet is fake. SoulNet is fake. SoulNet is fake. SoulNet is fake. SoulNet is fake. SoulNet is fake. SoulNet is fake. SoulNet is fake. SoulNet is fake. SoulNet is fake. SoulNet is fake. SoulNet is fake. SoulNet is fake. SoulNet is fake. SoulNet is fake. SoulNet is fake. SoulNet is fake. SoulNet is fake. SoulNet is fake. SoulNet is fake. SoulNet is fake. SoulNet is fake. SoulNet is fake. SoulNet is fake. SoulNet is fake. SoulNet is fake. SoulNet is fake. SoulNet is fake. SoulNet is fake. SoulNet is fake. SoulNet is fake. SoulNet is fake. SoulNet is fake. SoulNet is fake. SoulNet is fake. SoulNet is fake. SoulNet is fake. SoulNet is fake. SoulNet is fake. !!!11

  - Please come to the party.

  'Oh for heaven's sake.' He sighed, and with that he closed the conversation box. With heavy, angry typing he posted an open message on his profile page which said 'SOULNET DOES NOT EXIST!' He then went to his personal information and changed all the details - address, profession, hobbies, favourite quotes, political views, everything - to lines and lines of the same. 'SOULNET DOES NOT EXIST' became his mantra. He closed his computer and went for a walk. What would puzzle him even more is when the next morning at the office, he would mention Alex, everyone knew her and loved her, and had met her at SoulParties, but could not remember what she looked like.