The Game On! Diet

by Krista Vernoff

  Okay, so this rule wasn’t a thing for me, but my friend Richard? HATED it. He was all excited to play the game and lose the pudge around the middle, but the idea of giving up his nightly beer? Heeeelllll, no. He was all, “I work hard, dammit! I WORK REALLY HARD. Long, LONG hours of work. I earn my beer. I deserve my beer. I TREASURE my beer. If you make me quit it, I will CRY in my beer. Can’t I pleeeease keep my beer??? I will eat less in exchange, I swear! Please? Pretty please?? PLEASE, YOU FUCKERS! PLEEEEEEEASE!!!!!!”

  Poor Richard. Poor, poor Richard. He just became Homer Simpson. In print. On many bookshelves. Forever. I haven’t even changed his name! I am in so much trouble! ’Cause really, what I remember him saying was something like, “Uh, guys? I have trouble falling asleep at night and a drink helps me unwind. Any chance I can be an exception to this rule?” As you can probably guess, we did not make the exception and he came around. Here’s an e-mail he wrote after week 3 on the game:

  When I started this game I was suffering from a condition called sleep apnea. I’ve had it for years and it can be scary because you actually stop breathing while you sleep. So want to hear something crazy?? It’s stopped. I have been sleeping like a baby all week. I don’t know if it’s the healthy eating or the weight loss or the not drinking or all of it, but I cannot express how good it feels to get a good night’s sleep. And honestly, I think it has more to do with giving up the alcohol than anything else. Alcohol has been connected with sleep apnea, but I really felt like I needed to drink to fall asleep, so I never actually tried quitting before. I love you guys and I love this game. I really can’t believe how great I feel.

  —Richard

  Some of you are smiling smugly at this point. You are saying to yourselves, “Well, that may be all well and good for that Homer Simpsonesque moron named Richard. The man is a BEER drinker, for God’s sake. Of course he should give it up. But I’m not giving up my wine. My DOCTOR told me I can have wine every night! It’s good for my heart! So there! I’m keeping it, dammit!”

  Well, to you I say, guess what? Your doctor said you can have wine because you wanted wine and there are studies that say wine has cardiovascular benefits. But if you had said to your doctor, “Is there any way I can get those same benefits without the added calories and possible health detriments of alcohol?” Your doctor would have answered, “Yes!”

  The Well-documented Detrimental Effects of Alcohol on Health and Weight Loss:

  Inhibits weight loss

  Increases appetite

  Decreases inhibitions/willpower

  Adds empty calories

  Increases cortisol (a muscle-destroying hormone)

  Decreases testosterone (a muscle-building hormone)

  Decreases vitamin and mineral absorption

  Causes dehydration

  Decreases quality of sleep

  Decreases energy

  Prompts indigestion/acid reflux

  Increases risk of depression, anxiety, and insomnia

  Increases risk of liver disease, heart problems, strokes

  Increases risk of many cancers including liver, pancreatic, and breast

  Increases risk of waking up naked with an unattractive stranger

  Because your goal is very likely weight loss, let’s just talk for a second about how alcohol interferes with that. As I understand it, it’s that your body burns the by-products of the alcohol first and stores whatever else you’ve eaten for later. Stores it for later on your ass. But just in case you’re still more inclined to listen to an actual doctor than a TV writer who writes dialogue for fake doctors, let’s hear from one! (A real doctor, not a fake one.)

  * * *

  A word from Dr. Joseph Mercola

  Despite being widely promoted as healthy in small quantities (especially red wine), alcoholic drinks are not good for you, in any quantity.

  The element that leads to confusion is that many people consume alcohol in the form of wine, and while there are clearly major benefits to consuming the antioxidants that are present in grape seeds and grape skins (particularly resveratrol), there are NOT benefits in the alcohol caused by fermenting the sugar in the grape pulp.

  For starters, alcohol is a neurotoxin—it can poison your brain. Alcohol can also leave you more vulnerable to various preventable cancers, can harm your body’s delicate hormonal balance, and can lead to other major problems including liver damage.

  Consuming large amounts of wine or any alcohol will also increase your insulin levels, which will not only raise your risk of chronic disease, it will make it much harder for you to lose weight.

  In fact, insulin, stimulated by excess carbohydrates in the form of alcohol, sugar, and too many grains, is responsible for all those bulging stomachs and fat rolls in thighs and chins.

  Even worse, high insulin levels suppress two other important hormones—glucagons and growth hormones—that are responsible for burning fat and sugar and promoting muscle development, respectively. So insulin from excess carbohydrates (i.e., alcohol, grains, and sugar) promotes fat, and then wards off your body’s ability to lose that fat.

  Alcohol, by the way, is broken down in your body into a chemical called acetaldehyde, which is the chemical responsible for hangover symptoms. When acetaldehyde reacts with the neurotransmitter dopamine, it can cause mental and emotional disturbances such as anxiety, depression, and poor concentration. If you look up the toxicology of acetaldehyde, you find that it adversely affects many tissues and organs in your body, which may play a large part in increasing the risk of so many chronic diseases and cancers.

  So if you’re interested in losing weight and staying healthy, eliminating alcohol, or at least limiting it significantly, is essential. And don’t worry about the antioxidants you’re missing; you can get plenty of those by eating fresh vegetables.

  —Dr. Joseph Mercola

  Dr. Mercola is the founder of Dr. Mercola’s Natural Health Center, near Chicago. His Web site, Mercola.com, is the most popular natural health Web site in the world.

  * * *

  The last thing I’d like to say on this topic is that if your response to this rule is anything like the fictional response that I attributed to my friend Richard? If you’re all, No alcohol? NOOO alcohol??? FORGET IT. NO WAY. WHY? I’m not playing. Fuck that. No alcohol? Stupid book. Stupid game. Stupid. Forget it. I like being a fatty. I never even wanted to play anyway. No alcohol. What are you people, terrorists? Then I’m gonna go out on a limb and suggest that you might have a bigger problem than love handles. And so I feel obliged to let you know that there is only one treatment recognized by the medical and psychiatric professions as effective in treating a physical or emotional dependence on alcohol and that treatment comes from an organization called Alcoholics Anonymous. Rumor has it it’s a fun organization involving meetings spent laughing uproariously about that time you woke up in another state and had no idea how you got there.

  You can find AA at www.aa.org or in your local phonebook.

  Alcoholics Anonymous is a Fellowship of Men and Women who share their experience, strength and hope with one another that they may solve their common problem and help others to recover from alcoholism. The only requirement for membership is a desire to stop drinking. There are no dues or fees for AA membership, we are self-supporting through our own contributions.

  —from the Preamble to the “Big Book” of Alcoholics Anonymous

  But what if you’re not a drunk? What if you’re just young and your social scene is built around partying? There’s no twelve-step group called Party Girls and Boys Anonymous. Believe me, we get it. Az is Australian, for God’s sake. His people like their beer! But if you are not as healthy as you want to be, it’s imperative that you look at the fact that your whole social life is built around partying. We’re not asking you to quit drinking forever—we’re asking for the next four weeks. And who knows? Maybe in that time, you’ll actually discover some ways to have fun and enjoy your friends that don’t involve dancing on the bar or falling o
ff it. (Man, did I love dancing on the bar and falling off it…Always some cute boy there to catch you. Or a filthy puddle of beer. Either way…) A couple of suggestions:

  Alternatives to Social Drinking

  Get a group together for dance lessons. They’re really fun, they burn calories, and they’re not expensive (certainly no more than you’d spend on a night out at a bar).

  Do as my friend Mandy recently did and organize a group to take a trapeze lesson. It’s a massive adrenaline rush and a great workout to boot!

  Go to an amusement park and ride roller coasters. It’s my very favorite kind of adrenaline binge.

  Go camping at a local beach or campground, build a fire, tell ghost stories, feel six again.

  Organize a softball/soccer/touch football game in a local park. Bring a cooler of water instead of beer. Call anyone who gives you crap about the cooler a drunken loser (just for fun).

  Play Truth or Dare. I don’t care if you’re eighty—it’s a fun game.

  Throw a games night and play party games like Celebrity. You’ll laugh your ass off, literally. Laughing burns up to 2.5 calories per minute!

  Go bowling. Suck at it. Laugh yourself silly.

  Take up Los Angeles’s favorite pastime: Go see a movie and then discuss all the ways you would’ve made it better.

  Go to a baseball game. Sit in the cheap seats. Annoy fans of the opposing team. And then RUN LIKE HELL BEFORE THEY KICK YOUR ASS!

  Coffee

  * * *

  The Rules: You can have your coffee. Stop crying. We are not going to take it away. You just can’t have your frothy coffee drinks.

  * * *

  The research on coffee and caffeine in general is really mixed. There are studies that swear it helps with weight loss and those that insist it hinders weight loss. Some say it acts as an appetite suppressant, others counter that it prompts carbohydrate cravings. We know it’s a diuretic, which means it makes you pee more, but peeing out all your water isn’t exactly a healthy method of weight loss. We also know it’s a stimulant, which means it can increase your heart rate and blood pressure, interrupt your sleep, and cause nervousness, irritability, and anxiety.

  Also euphoria.

  Did I mention the euphoria?

  Okay, the euphoria thing is not actually coming from scientific studies. It’s coming from a study I do in my kitchen every morning. I LOVE coffee. And while science may still be debating whether or not it’s good or bad for the general public, I know it’s bad for me because I am actually allergic to it. Like, when you go to the allergist? And they poke you with the pins? I turn up allergies to dust mites and coffee. And still, I drink it every day, because that’s how good the euphoria feels. Also, because it’s highly physically addictive.

  Still, we are not going to take it away from you (and not just because it’s my personal drug of choice). We are not taking it away because it’s so addictive that the sudden withdrawal from caffeine can actually defeat your ability to function in your life or enjoy any other aspect of this game.

  * * *

  Caffeine Withdrawal

  The following are the well-documented signs and symptoms of caffeine withdrawal:

  Headache

  Fatigue

  Sleepiness/drowsiness

  Difficulty concentrating

  Irritability/decreased well-being

  Depression/Anxiety

  Flu-like symptoms including body aches and pains and nausea

  Impaired reaction time

  Meanness, crankiness, unpleasantness, bitchiness, snarkiness, weepiness, and generalized cruelty to spouses, coworkers, and pets

  Fine. I made that last one up, but I bet it’s true for more people than just me. ’Cause caffeine is a drug. It’s a highly addictive stimulant that most of our country—adults and, sadly, kids—is strung out on. We should all take a look at our caffeine addiction and wherever we can, we should cut it back. I will tell you proudly that I am down to one cup a day and that after doing the research to write this chapter, I am more determined than ever to break my addiction.

  * * *

  I’m going to reiterate that we are not going to take your coffee away from you! We are, however, going to ask you to look at how the coffee drinks you’re choosing are prepared.

  Why? Because a venti Caramel Frappuccino has 500 calories in it. To put that in perspective? In order to maintain a healthy weight loss, I’m supposed to be consuming about 1,500 calories a day. So one Frappuccino would be a third of my food for the entire day.

  Believe me, we’re not out to ruin your life. We really just want you to have all the information. And the sad truth is that what a lot of us order and think is coffee is really just a coffee-flavored milkshake. It’s a treat. A dessert. A delicious indulgence. But it should not be a part of our daily routine.

  And the thing is, it’s not just the frozen frothy drinks of deliciousness that pack a caloric punch. A venti soy latte is 220 calories. Even though you are not officially counting calories on this game, you gotta know that that’s a lot of liquid calories to add to your day when you’re trying to lose weight. And a lot of us don’t drink just one!

  Remember that all weight loss boils down to energy in vs. energy burned. Energy = calories. So 220 extra calories every morning is a lot of extra energy to have to burn when you’re trying to lose weight.

  So drink your coffee black or lighten it with a couple of tablespoons of milk, but no more than that or you will seriously defeat your diet. (Worse, you will incur a snacking penalty and bring down your team!) And here’s the thing? I used to drink and love my lattes. But when I came to understand the sad caloric realities, I switched to espresso or Café Americano (which is watered down espresso). At first, I didn’t like the taste, but it took my taste buds only three days to adjust. Now, I can only enjoy my coffee black. And I don’t mean that intellectually; I mean, I actually prefer the flavor. I guess you could say I’ve become a coffee purist. A coffee snob? A coffee aficionado?

  How ’bout just junkie?

  I think junkie pretty much sums it up.

  * * *

  • • • A Tip from Az • • •

  If you can’t live without your morning latte or cappuccino, stick to the smallest size you can get, stick to nonfat milk, and have the drink with your first meal. You can count the nonfat milk as your carb, and then just eat some protein and healthy fat to balance it. If you want to add a little sweet, you may add a teaspoon (but no more!) of honey, maple syrup, or agave nectar (we strongly discourage artificial sweeteners because they are BAD FOR YOU).

  * * *

  Diet Soda

  * * *

  The Rules: Soda and diet soda are not F.Y.T foods. Each soda or diet soda you consume carries a 10 point snacking penalty.

  Soda and diet soda may be consumed without penalty on your day off and meal off. But we urge you to reconsider…

  * * *

  Before I got my very cool job writing fake medicine, I was a waitress for a good, long time. I was a waitress in Boston, I was a waitress in New York, I was a waitress in Portland, Oregon. (Sometimes, I was even a singing waitress on harbor cruise ships, but that’s a whole other story.) I was a good waitress because I’m a good multitasker and I like people. Most people. I don’t like people who are cheap and don’t tip for good service. (And by the way? Cheap is 15 percent. For good service, please tip 20 percent. That’s my little public service announcement on behalf of servers everywhere.) But my story isn’t about tipping, it’s about Diet Coke.

  I loved Diet Coke. I was an actress back then and I used to sip my free Diet Coke at whatever restaurant I was working in and talk about how I loved it so much I would do a Diet Coke commercial for free. Of course, that was easy for me to say, because no one was paying me to do commercials, because mostly, I was a waitress.

  The most acting I was doing in my New York days was to memorize the specials and recite them at your table, and then memorize your order without writing it down, which I
considered good practice for my imaginary acting career. I was all young and carefree and I had all this room in my brain and I could just memorize the orders for a table of eight and head to the computer and get it all in, bam, bam, bam. Until one day when I couldn’t. My short-term memory just stopped working properly. I don’t know how to describe it except to say that I was twenty-two and I started having “senior moments.” I would take an order, head to the computer, and by the time I got there I would have no idea what the order was. It was very disturbing.

  I am grateful to this day that my bartender friend Corey had recently read an article about the unadvertised dangers of the artificial sweetener aspartame (NutraSweet) that I was guzzling in my Diet Coke every night.

  Dude. Seriously. Go to your computer and Google the words “aspartame dangers.” There is just a stunning amount of evidence as to the dangers of that chemical and the damage it does to your brain. People have died from seizures prompted by aspartame. In scientific studies, aspartame causes holes in the brains of rats! Aspartame causes headaches, nausea, hypertension, mood swings, depression, insomnia, memory loss…

  Memory loss! Corey told me about the article. I quit the Diet Coke. And believe me, I was so, so, sooooo sad to quit the Diet Coke. I wanted so badly for it to not be causing my memory loss. But guess what? When I quit Diet Coke, my memory came back. Then, for good measure, and like a good junkie, I started drinking Diet Coke again, and my memory promptly went away again. So I quit for good. And I grieved. But I never went back.