Halo

by R. C. Stephens

  “Halo, they will be doing the procedure now,” Nurse Judy explains slowly.

  This is all happening too fast. I’m supposed to push this baby out and now everyone is frantic around me. I won’t have anything to live for if this baby dies.

  There’s a strong pressure in my abdomen. I close my eyes and open them again. I’m not sure how much time passes.

  “And here he is…” Dr. Kramer is grinning, lifting my small baby in his arms before passing him off to a nurse. I hear the tiny cries and my own tears begin to flow.

  “He looks great,” the doctor says and I take a long breath. I’ve just lived through the scariest moment of my life. “The nurse will bring him over to you in a moment.”

  “Thank you,” I reply. My throat feels dry and my voice is low and raspy.

  Dr. Kramer leaves my side and a resident explains what’s happening. They’ll need to keep me and the baby in the hospital for a few days because of the C-section. I nod. I don’t care about anything except seeing him.

  “Look at your handsome little fellow,” Nurse Judy says as she brings my baby up to my face so I can get a better view. I can’t sit up to hold him, but just looking at him wrapped up in the little blue blanket makes my heart swell. He’s perfect. I sigh a contented sigh.

  “Do you have a name for this handsome fellow?” she asks.

  “Mmm. I thought of calling him Brandon Pearson after my father.”

  Nurse Judy winks. “That’s lovely. Brandon is a strong name for a strong boy.

  Chapter Two

  January 18, 2008

  Halo

  Jenny saunters into the hospital room looking flushed and holding her palms over her cheeks. “Halo! Oh my God! Show me that little boy of yours!”

  She bounces toward the bed where I’m holding Brandon, her blonde bob swinging, her blue eyes dancing. Jenny has been my best friend since college. We’ve become more like sisters than friends. She’s stuck by me through thick and thin. She’s been my rock since Thomas and I started having trouble.

  She was scheduled to be my birthing partner, but that didn’t work out when little Brandon decided to make an early entrance. Despite Brandon’s dramatic entrance to the world, he’s been the perfect baby. He’s been feeding well and not crying too much.

  I pass Brandon over to Jenny and her floodgates open. “Oh my, Halo. He is just so precious. He looks exactly like….” She bites her lip. I know what she wants to say.

  “Like me. I know. Thank you.” I grin and nod. She gives me a knowing look. I carried that boy for eight months and one week. I did everything myself. There was no way I was going to give Thomas Wells any credit for anything—not after he left us high and dry.

  “He’s so precious, Halo,” she repeats, staring down at him in awe. She takes a seat in the chair by my bed. “Maybe you two should come stay with us for a while. You know. Until your C-section heals and you get back up on your feet.” She looks at me expectantly, obviously assuming I will take her up on her offer. But I simply can’t impose on her like that.

  “Thanks, Jenny. I appreciate the offer so much, but you have three little kids of your own. You don’t need me and a crying baby hanging around.” I take a deep breath, knowing she isn’t going to fold easily.

  “Halo Pearson, don’t give me that crap. You are coming to stay with us and it’s final. C-sections take time to heal. You have little Brandon here to think about. Stay with us until the stitches come out.” She pulls her attention away from me and gazes at Brandon gooey-eyed.

  He really is a sight to see. I kind of forgive my mother right now for calling me Halo. I really do feel like there is a ray of light around that boy.

  “How long will you be holed up in this place?” Jenny asks, looking around the room with distaste.

  “Another few days at least. He swallowed meconium, he’s jaundiced, he was born a little early and I have to stay because of the C-section. The nurse has been taking him under bright lights a few times a day. It’s a little hard on me because I hate being away from him, so I make myself walk over to the nursery to watch him in those incubator things. My stomach kills me when I walk.” I abruptly realize I shouldn’t have said that. It will only confirm her argument that I should move in with her.

  Jenny frowns. “Halo, I’m happy that you’re trying to get up and move around. I’m just scared you will overdo it when you go home. Babies can be draining at the beginning. You have to take care of yourself. I understand the separation anxiety, though. I remember when the nurse wanted to take Tyler to the nursery so I could rest when he was born. She began to wheel him out until I flipped out and began screaming for her to give me my baby back.”

  Her expression is dramatic and I begin to laugh, picturing the scene. I forget how much it hurts to laugh and I bite my lip.

  Jenny’s shoulders suddenly slump and her lips turn down. “I feel terrible that I missed the delivery.” Her eyes begin to tear and I hate that she feels bad.

  “Don’t feel bad. Brandon surprised me too. He was three weeks early. There was no way you could have known.” I tilt my head and watch her cooing at Brandon. She’s been so good to me. I don’t know how I would have made it through these last eight months without her.

  Jenny smiles sadly. “You must have been so scared. Just thinking about it makes me shiver. I swear if I ever get my hands on that Thomas I will ring his neck.” As the last words leave her mouth, I realize that I have to let go of the resentment and so does she.

  “Jenny,” I say. “We have to stop bad-mouthing Thomas. I know we’ve had our share of cussing him out these last few months, but it needs to stop, for Brandon’s sake. He will grow up and he will want to know who his father is. I only plan on telling him the good. He needs to be reassured that he was created in love. That his father leaving had nothing to do with him. I mean, Thomas was so messed up over his own mother abandoning him. It defined his whole life and I don’t want that for my son. I want Brandon to grow up feeling confident and loved.” I trail off as tears flow down my cheeks.

  This is the part of raising him on my own that scares me the most. Doing right by my boy. Raising him to be a strong, confident man. Convincing him that his father leaving had nothing to do with him. Having lived with Thomas for so long, I knew the hardship I was facing.

  “Oh, honey, he will know. We will all make sure of it. I’m sorry. No bad-mouthing Thomas.” A stray tear rolls down her cheek. “You hear that, Brandon? Your father was actually a superhero. He left to fight all the bad guys in the world. He wears a special uniform and he ensures all our safety.”

  Her words make me happy. Brandon will one day feel proud, but deep down I feel let down.

  Jenny sees me wiping my eyes and says, “It’s the hormones, Halo. I was a mess after Tyler. It’s called baby blues. I didn’t get it so much with Olivia and Sam though. Your friends will help you pull through. Speaking of friends—have you heard from anyone lately?”

  “I don’t know. Maybe. I haven’t checked my cell phone.”

  Jenny, reading me like a book as usual, shakes her head. “You can’t hide from them forever, Halo. They all care about you.”

  I want to agree with her. Problem is, I still feel ashamed. The abandoned woman… The rational part of me knows better, but the feeling in the pit of my stomach won’t subside no matter how many pep talks I give myself. “I know,” I say. “I’m just not ready to face everyone yet. I still feel…”

  “Say it. It’s okay,” Jenny urges me.

  “Abandoned, alone… I’m embarrassed.” I shake my head.

  Jenny frowns. “You have nothing to be embarrassed about. Thomas was messed up over the Iraq deployment. There are stories about soldiers everywhere. Our friends understand, Halo. You need to give them some credit. It will be good for Brandon too. He’ll have friends to be around. Kiley is only one month older than him and Melissa is home. You guys can hang and do coffee or something. You need to return to the land of the living.”

  “I kno
w… I plan on doing right by this boy, Jenny. I want him to socialize and have a normal childhood. I want him to have a father…” At this, Jenny furrows her brow. “Don’t look at me like that,” I say. “Thomas may have been the greatest love of my life, but I know I will need to go out and date and build myself a new life for Brandon’s sake. He deserves a family. Thomas divorced me. Now I’ll find another man and I’ll find a way to love him.” I raise my chin and straighten my spine.

  Jenny shrugs. “Hey sister, all the power to you. I can ask Dave to set you up.”

  I smile. “I don’t mean I’ll find a man now. I literally just gave birth. I mean, look at me.” I look down at my still-swollen belly and gently press my fingers over the space where there will soon be a big scar. “Brandon was worth every mark.”

  “Don’t talk to me about marks,” Jenny says. “I’ve had three children and I wear my stripes proudly. You should too. Any man who has a problem with that isn’t worthwhile anyway.”

  “Agreed.” I smile. Jenny places Brandon back in my arms.

  “I wish I could stay longer, but I have to get the kids. Olivia starts swimming lessons tonight,” she says apologetically.

  “Don’t sound sorry. You take care of your family. Brandon and me are doing fine,” I say with an assertive tone. It’s not hard to say the words. We are fine. He has brought happiness to my life.

  “I guess.” She leans in and gives my forehead a kiss. Lingering, she gives Brandon a kiss too. “Hmm… he smells soooo good. Bye, Brandon, see you soon.” She caresses his little cheek.

  “I love touching his little hands and his little face.” I look down happily at my boy.

  She leaves and I’m still smiling at Brandon a few moments later when a nurse walks through the door. She’s new and I don’t like her as much as the other nurses. Probably because she’s blonde and young and makes me feel like a mess every time I look at her.

  “Ms. Pearson, has Brandon fed?” she asks.

  “Yes, he just ate about twenty minutes ago.”

  “Okay! I’ll take him to the nursery now—we’ll likely be gone a couple hours.”

  “Actually I was hoping to follow you there and watch.”

  “Are you sure?” she asks, obviously surprised. “It really would be best for you to use this time to sleep. You need to get as much sleep as you can so you have strength to take care of him.”

  “Okay,” I relent.

  She swaddles Brandon in a blue blanket and places him in his little baby bed on wheels and takes him out of the room. I think of Jenny telling me how she suddenly had a fit of panic when the nurse took her son the first time. I want to yell out too, but I don’t have Jenny’s assertiveness.

  On a rational level I know he’s safe in the hospital, but still… I feel antsy when he’s not next to me.

  I put my head down on the pillow and close my eyes, but a few minutes later I’m still wide awake. I want to toss and turn but I can’t move with the stitches.

  Screw this. I throw the blanket off and slowly place my feet on the floor. I manage to stand and I find another gown to put over my bare behind.

  I carefully make my way out of the room, holding my swollen stomach. It’s painful. I use the handrails on the wall as I leave my room and walk down the hallway toward the nursery.

  I realize my behavior is on the erratic side, but I want my baby. He’s all I have.

  I make my way past the elevators, still clutching the handrail. I feel a little dizzy. The elevator dings and I’m distracted by the sound. My hand slips off the rail and I lose my balance. I hit the floor, my shoulder taking the brunt of my fall. I feel the impact deeply in my stomach and the raw edges of my incision.

  I look up to see a wheelchair coming toward me. I don’t know if the aide pushing the chair sees me and I groan, overcome with panic.

  “Miss, don’t worry. I will call for help,” the aide yells. He presses a button on a pager and the loud sound of static echoes through the hallway.

  This is so embarrassing and stupid of me. Tears spill from my eyes as I hold my stomach. My fear increases when warm liquid runs along my fingers.

  “I think I ripped open my stitches,” I mutter through the cutting pain.

  “Help is coming, Miss,” the aide assures me. He glances at the man in the wheelchair. “Sorry sir. We will just wait for help.” He glares at the pager and says something under his breath. “I’ll be right back.”

  “That’s okay,” the man in the wheelchair responds with a deep husky voice. “You do whatever you need to get this woman help.”

  Half his face is covered in white gauze and he’s pretty banged up on the parts that aren’t covered. He looks like he’s been to hell and back. “I’ll stay here with you until someone comes to help.” The side of his mouth I can see turns up. “It’s not like I can go anywhere anyway,” he says pointing to his casts. “I’m Ryder, by the way. Geez, where are my manners?” He leans forward and holds out his good hand to shake mine.

  I look at him with wide eyes. I’m in fear of bleeding out on this floor and he’s making introductions? What’s wrong with him?

  “Ryder… Ryder…” I feel woozy. Then everything goes blank.

  ***

  “Hi there, Halo.” Nurse Judy hovers over me, giving me a chiding grin. “You gave us quite a scare falling like that and passing out. You’ve been checked out and you’re okay, but I think you’ve probably learned your lesson about walking on your own?”

  “I have.”

  “You better take care of yourself so you can take care of that handsome baby boy,” she says, putting her hands on her hips.

  “I’m sorry… how is my little guy doing?” I look around the room, feeling a little panicked that I don’t know where he is.

  “He’s fine. He’s in the nursery.”

  “I would like to see my boy.” I’m feeling groggy but I desperately want to see Brandon.

  “I’ll go get a chair—you stay put. You’ll need to take it extra easy now that you’ve been stitched back up.”

  She leaves to find the chair and I have a sudden flashback of meeting a man in the hallway.

  Judy returns and helps me into the chair. “Okay, let’s go, Halo, easy and slow now.”

  “Thanks. You are so good to us.” I smile up at her.

  “I was once in your position—a single mom. I know what it’s like. You need all the help you can get. Don’t go acting all proud like you can do everything yourself because the only one who will suffer is that little boy.” She rolls me down the hall and we finally pull up to the nursery’s clear glass window. I see Brandon fast asleep and peaceful in the little incubator machine. Judy leaves me, and I place my hand on the glass and let out a slow breath.

  I want to reach out and touch him. Oh, Brandon, I hope I do right by you. I feel like I have so much to learn. I wish I could give you a daddy because you deserve a daddy.

  “Which one’s yours?” a voice from behind interrupts my intense thoughts.

  “The one in the incubator,” I respond without looking away from my baby. I should turn my head and not be rude, but my baby is all that matters to me now.

  “He looks like a tough little guy,” the deep voice continues. I feel like I’m being rude so I pull my gaze from Brandon and look over to the stranger.

  “Aren’t you…”

  “Yeah, I watched you take that fall. How’re you doing? Probably better than me.” He laughs. He looks back to the hospital attendant who is standing behind his wheelchair. “Sir, can you give me a few minutes here before we head back to the room?”

  “Sure, man, I’ll be back in ten,” the hospital attendee replies.

  “I’m okay. I just gave birth. He’s my first. I’m still learning.” I don’t know why I’m explaining anything to this complete stranger. I should maybe be scared, but he looks like he is too broken to cause any harm.

  “Well, I wish I could offer advice… I guess I don’t have children.” He stares into the nursery. />
  “You guess?” I ask with confusion. You would think a person would know if they had kids or not.

  “Yeah, I’ve got amnesia. I was fighting in Afghanistan and my team was ambushed by a roadside bomb. Apparently our vehicle exploded and everyone died except for me.” I watch him and wait for some sort of reaction but he doesn’t have one.

  I can’t help but think about Thomas as I look at this man’s scarred face. I assume that Thomas is still on active duty. If something happened to him, I guess I would be informed. Unless he removed me as his next of kin. I don’t know what plans he made after the divorce.

  My sorrow—about this man and about Thomas—must show on my face, because he says, “Don’t be so upset. I can’t remember shit. I just know that I feel like I was hit by a ton of bricks. More than half my body is either broken or incinerated.”

  “I’m so sorry,” I respond and tears begin to roll down my face uncontrollably. “I don’t know what’s gotten into me.” I swipe at my tears. I’m usually not so emotional. When Thomas would tell me stories about Afghanistan I put up a tough front so he would feel comfortable talking to me about it.

  “I don’t mean to be upsetting you,” he says. “I’ve been in and out of hospitals for four months now. I woke up in a hospital in Germany back in September. Then I was transported to a base in Washington DC before they sent me here for some specialized surgeries. I don’t have any family. I will be transferred to the VA hospital soon. I can’t imagine having to live in a hospital, but it is what it is.” His eyes are unfocused—as if he’s trying to call on memories he’s not sure are there. “I don’t know if it’s a usual thing for me to be talking to a stranger about my problems. I just don’t know.” He shakes his head slightly. Poor guy!

  “I’m sorry… It’s Ryder. Right?”