Halo

by R. C. Stephens

  Ryder seems just as interested as he turns his head to look at me.

  Maybe I feel a connection to him because of Thomas. Maybe it’s because I know we’re both alone and needy. Or it could be I’m thinking of the bigger picture—the concept of honoring those who have stood for our freedom and the idea of setting a good example for my son. I’ve met a lot of SEALS in my life. Friends of Thomas’s. They’ve all been honourable, determined and trustworthy. There is also the fact that I feel like I’ve been granted a miracle. Brandon’s delivery shook me to the core. When his heart beat slowed it was the scariest moment in my life. God has blessed me and now he has placed this broken man in my path. Maybe it is my job to offer him a hand. Yes, he could stay at a military facility, but that seems like a cold and lonely place to be, a last resort.

  “Well,” I say. “I have the garage apartment set up.” I focus on Ryder’s bandaged face. “Ryder, would you be interested in renting the space from me? It isn’t very large, but it’s enough space for one person. I could use the rent money and I’m guessing you don’t have a place when you’re released from the hospital…”

  Jenny’s jaw goes slack and Ryder slowly nods his head. “That sounds good,” he responds.

  Wow! That was a quick response. He must have been dreading staying at a military facility. I was right.

  “Halo, I’m sorry,” Jenny says, her blue eyes snapping fire at me. “But this is fucking crazy. You don’t know this guy from Adam. He could be a serial killer for all you know. He may be a wounded soldier, but he is still a stranger. This is plain stupid.” She throws her hands up in the air. Then she moves closer and looks down at Brandon, “I’m sorry for the bad words little guy,” she coos.

  “Jenny, how could you say that?” I ask, feeling thoroughly insulted.

  She winces. “I’m sorry. I don’t mean to come across as harsh. I’m just worried.”

  Yes, I know she’s right to worry. Because I don’t know anything about Ryder St. John. I’m just going on instinct—he seems so alone and lost. That was me when my parent’s died and Thomas saved me. And that is me now facing the biggest challenge of my life, parenthood.

  “I don’t think I’m a serial killer,” Ryder says, mild humor in his voice. “But you can speak to my doctors. I can show you my release papers from the navy. I am being compensated so I can pay rent.” His gaze shifts to the baby in my arms. “I wouldn’t even mind giving you a hand with the little guy. I don’t know if I have any experience with children, though. I just can’t do much moving for about a week ’cause of the grafts.”

  I nod my head at Jenny. “Satisfied?” I ask.

  “Satisfied? Satisfied? Halo, I am seriously worried that you are even considering this. You have a little baby to take care of and this man is a stranger. People—no, actually not people—new mothers don’t allow strange men near their infant sons. I’m worried about you, Halo.” Her short blonde hair is tied back in a small ponytail and she’s wearing a white puffy winter jacket and a pair of tight blue jeans. Her face is flushed and she places her hands on her waist, squaring her eyes at me.

  “I don’t think he’s dangerous.” I shrug, wondering if I’ve finally lost my sanity.

  She pulls her phone out of the back pocket of her jeans.

  “What are you doing?” I ask, furrowing my brows.

  “I’m calling Dave. I want him to come meet Ryder and see what he thinks,” she says, glaring at her phone.

  I look over to Ryder and mouth, “Sorry.”

  He nods. His response is totally laidback. There doesn’t seem to be anything dangerous about him.

  Jenny begins to rant on the phone. I’m completely embarrassed that she’s showing no filter where Ryder is concerned. He doesn’t seem to care either way. She gets off the phone and places it back in her pocket.

  “Dave will be here in the morning. He will talk to the doctors who know Ryder here as long as Ryder consents. If everything pans out, fine.” She purses her lips. Then she walks over to me and gives me a hug and places a small kiss on Brandon’s forehead. “Bye for now,” she says and then she turns on her heel and leaves the room.

  I know her intentions are good, but it’s hard to imagine moving in with her and adding to her already chaotic household. I have never been one to impose and I don’t know if I can handle her busy household.

  Ryder is quiet for a few moments. “Are you sure about this?” he asks finally. “You don’t have to do this. I will figure out where I am going.”

  “Yes, Ryder. I am sure about it. Do you know what role you played in the military?” I know Jenny is right in that I should find out some basic information about him.

  “They tell me I was a SEAL,” he answers solemnly.

  “Oh.” My chest constricts and it’s suddenly hard to breathe. “Where were you when you got hurt?”

  “In Afghanistan.”

  “Which team were you with?” I ask. My heart is hammering so hard I can barely breathe.

  “Team Six.” he answers with that same calm, cool voice. He doesn’t realize how his information is affecting me.

  “Have you heard about how your team members are doing lately?” I know Ryder’s memory was affected by his accident. But there’s a chance he might have heard some recent news about his fellow SEALs. I long for information about Thomas. At the same time, I don’t know what I would do if heard something had happened to him…

  “No. Nothing specific.”

  “Okay,” I answer calmly. I need to remember that the reason I haven’t heard from him is not because he was hurt. He’s chosen not to stay in contact.

  Accept it for what it is, Halo, and move on.

  I try to think of good things to ask Ryder. But it’s hard to ask a guy with memory loss about his life. “So,” I say. “Have the doctors and therapists you’ve been working with been able to give you much information about you—about your past and the things you’re unable to remember?”

  “Not much. I didn’t read my file in depth. The surgeries and therapy have taken up most of my time and energy. The doctors told me to focus on getting better physically first.”

  That makes sense. He’s been through a lot.

  “And you would want to rent the space? I need four hundred dollars a month.” I need to be upfront about money. The extra income will ease my worries a bit. Especially since I will be putting Brandon into the care of a caregiver who will give him one- on-one attention. It costs an arm and a leg.

  “Yeah, seems like a good solution for a guy who doesn’t know who he is or what he wants. I have a psychogenic amnesia, it means I’ve repressed my memory because of severe stress. The doctor’s think it’s a bad case of PTSD from the explosion. I was awake and disoriented when I was found. My memory was supposed to return by now. The doctors aren’t sure if or when my memory will come back. In the meantime, it would be a relief not to be surrounded by guys who served—I can’t exactly swap stories about my time, you know?”

  “I can understand that.” Once again I’m impressed by the kindness in his eyes and his quiet resolve about his situation. “I hope you’ll find some answers soon. I recently went through something difficult of my own and I know how hard it is to heal when something goes wrong.”

  He smiles warmly. “You don’t know how much your words mean to me right now. Feels great to talk to someone other than a doctor or nurse or therapist about this kind of thing.”

  I smile back. “I’m glad I can help in any way.” I respected Thomas’s dedication to his mission and it’s easy to respect Ryder—a guy who has so obviously given up so much—for his dedication too. I look down at Brandon. He’s beginning to fuss. “I better get going. This little guy needs to eat. I’ll be in touch tomorrow about making arrangements for the apartment.”

  “Sure, sounds like a plan.” Ryder answers. For a moment he looks like a lost boy. I use Ryder’s call button to ask the nursing station to call the post-partum ward. Nurse Judy arrives a few minutes later to bring me back to
my room, it’s strangely hard to leave.

  Chapter Five

  Past

  August 18th 2000

  Halo

  “Thanks, Mom. Thanks, Dad. The cake was unreal.” I give each of my parents a peck on the cheek. When I take our plates to the sink, I can feel them glaring at me. I’m expecting this reaction. They don’t want me to leave.

  “I thought you would stay home and hang out with us,” my mom says with a soft voice. “It’s your seventeenth birthday.”

  I feel bad, but the reason why I’m leaving is because they wouldn’t invite Thomas to share in the celebration. Besides, it seems like a normal thing for a seventeen-year-old to go out with her boyfriend on her birthday.

  If my parents only knew how respectful Thomas really was they wouldn’t be behaving this way. I know most of their issues with him have to do with their idea that he’s lower class—and that makes me see red. Also, it makes me extremely reluctant to take any of their advice.

  He wants to take me to the lake so I quickly head up to my room to change.

  I like what I see in the mirror—the white sundress looks good with my auburn hair. I roll on some cherry-red lip gloss and spritz some vanilla mist on my neck. I put on sandals and head down the stairs, hoping not to meet the scrutinizing glare of my parents again. To avoid another argument, I decide to wait on the front porch.

  As minutes tick by, nerves flutter in my chest. He’s usually punctual. I worry that he was really insulted over not being asked to dinner. He shrugged it off like he shrugs off most things, but I could tell he was hurt by my parents’ rejection. It hurts me too that they can’t respect the fact that I love him.

  Finally I hear the roar of his bike coming down the street. Usually he gets off the bike to come greet me or say hello to my parents. Tonight he pulls into the drive but doesn’t budge. I walk over to him, feeling tension crackling in the air. My heart skips a beat when I see his eye is black and the edge of his nose is rimmed with blood.

  “Hey, baby,” he says with a wide smile as if he doesn’t look like hell.

  I climb on the back of the bike and grasp Thomas around the waist. “What happened?” I ask, brushing my lip against his ear.

  “It’s nothing.” He shrugs and revs the engine.

  “That’s not nothing, Thomas.”

  “Let’s just get to the lake and talk there. I feel like your mother is watching us through the window.” He’s probably right.

  He heads toward the lake and when we get to Sheridan we go north. We drive for ten, fifteen minutes, heading up through the suburbs. I’m wondering where we’re headed when he answers my unasked question “I’m taking you someplace different tonight,” he calls out above the wind brushing his face. “We need a private venue for what I have planned.”

  I can feel the tension radiating from his body as we wind through roads leading past big houses—amazing mansions that look over the lake and have private beaches. We turn down a narrow road and a beach comes into view. We park in a secluded spot close to a path that leads to the water. The place is dark but I feel safe with Thomas. He retrieves a blanket from his saddlebag and we head for a grassy area that’s shielded from the breeze and totally out of sight from any pathways or houses. I’ve never been on this part of the lake before and it’s beautiful—like we’re worlds away from any other people or the city.

  After we get settled, I place my hand on his arm. “Will you please tell me what happened to you?”

  “You don’t want to know,” he answers with a clipped tone. His jaw is rigid and every muscle on his outstretched legs is taut. I’ve never seen him like this before.

  “What’s gotten into you?” I ask softly.

  When he looks at me there’s pain in his dark blue eyes. “It was just a bad night. But now I’m with you and I want to celebrate.” His smile seems forced.

  “Thomas, I can see you’re upset.” The lake is calm. It’s a warm, beautiful night and it makes me sad Thomas can’t enjoy it with me. I flex my fingers against his arm, silently urging him to talk to me. The sky is clear, the stars sprinkle the midnight blue sky, radiating light into the dark world. Tonight should be special for Thomas and me.

  “I did something, Halo.” He hangs his head low. His knees are pulled up to his chest and his arms are clenched around his knees. He looks like he’s protecting himself from something. Anxiety makes my heart race. This is bad. I can feel it in my bones.

  “Tell me, Thomas. You can always tell me. That’s what makes us us. We talk, we share.” My voice cracks. I can’t stand to see him in pain.

  “You aren’t going to want to hear this,” he warns.

  “Just tell me. I’ll listen whether I like it or not.”

  “You’re going to leave. I don’t want you to leave.”

  “I’m not leaving. Have a little faith.” I want to reassure him. I know he has issues about being left.

  “Oh, Halo. ‘Faithless is he that says farewell when the road darkens’.” He gazes into my eyes and takes my hands.

  “Tolkien.” I grin.

  “My bookworm.” He kisses my forehead, his lips lingering. “You won’t like to hear this, Halo…” He pauses to take a breath. “But I went with a crew and helped them lift a delivery truck.”

  “What does that mean in English, Thomas?”

  The question earns me a huff and a laugh.

  He drops my hands. “It means I helped a bunch of guys steal stuff off a truck. Then I took my cut.” He stares at me as if he’s waiting for me to get up and run. At the same time I notice the muscle in his jaw is ticking and his knee has begun to bounce.

  He’s such a dichotomy. There’s the good Thomas who is trying to remain civilized despite the hardships he lives with every day. And there’s the bad Thomas who succumbs to the dark reality he is faced with. I know most humans battle the good and the bad in their lives. I just hope in Thomas’s case that the good will prevail. I have faith that it will.

  “Why?” is the only word I can form.

  “Why, Halo? Because I don’t have money. I hang around people that scrape to get by. I am bad blood. My father is an alcoholic who beats me and my mother couldn’t get away from me fast enough. Your parents were right not to have me over to their house tonight. Bad blood shouldn’t be mixing with the likes of you and your family.” The words are knife-edged. I can feel them pierce my heart. I knew he was upset that he was excluded from my family’s birthday celebration, but I never expected him to do something so rash.

  I put my arms around him. “My mother has her own issues. I’m pretty sure it has nothing to do with you. My parents are being ridiculous and unfair. I feel responsible that you went out tonight to prove them right. You may have stolen tonight, but you can always give it back. You can always make this right. You are not bad blood; you are not a thief. I love you with all my heart and if you have faith in me, faith in us, then you would understand how much you mean to me. I know my words are meaningless to you. I know you have to believe those good things about yourself, but they are all true.” I cry into his neck. He releases the grip he has on his knees and wraps me in his strong arms. I fall into his lap and he presses his forehead to mine. “You are not faithless, so don’t say farewell.”

  “You’re so perfect, Halo. I don’t get what you see when you look at me.” He says this like it’s a prayer.

  “I see a guy who loves with all his heart. I love our talks, your honesty. I love the way you love me and do things to make me happy. My body sings with life when you’re near, Thomas. I’ve never felt anything like this before.”

  “I know…” He squeezes his eyes shut, gritting his teeth. “I know.” In his words I feel his feelings for me. His pain. My parents are jerks for making him feel worse.

  “Please don’t pull away. Stop hanging around those thieves. If you continue to steal, you’ll ruin your chances with the navy. You’ve been working so hard. You can’t mess that up now.”

  “I may have already messed th
ings up. Cops showed up tonight. I ran away in time but I’m not sure if they got a good look at me. If they did, I’m screwed.” He runs his hand roughly over his mouth.

  “I’ll cover for you this time, but please promise me no more nonsense. No more talk about bad blood. I love you. I can’t hear it,” I insist even though my stomach is in knots. I’m worried he’ll be arrested.

  As I sit in his lap, he brushes his lips softly against mine. “I bought you something,” he says, leaning back and pulling a box out of his front jean pocket. “And no I didn’t steal it. I used clean money I made at the mechanic shop.” He opens the box. Inside is a gold chain with a heart charm attached to it.

  I gasp and my hands come up to cover my mouth. “Thomas, it’s beautiful.”

  He takes the chain out of the box and places it around my neck. I lift my hair out of the way so he can see what he’s doing. He clips it on and gives my neck a soft kiss that sends shivers down my spine. I look down at the heart locket, feeling giddy.

  “Thank you.” I place a soft kiss on his lips.

  He leans forward to kiss my neck and begins spreading slow, soft kisses up toward my earlobe. The kisses intensify and I feel his tongue spreading heat across my nape. I roll my head, reveling in the sensation and a little moan escapes my lips.

  “Oh, Halo. I know what you want, baby. I just don’t know why you want it to be me.”

  I know exactly what he’s talking about—I’d asked him to sleep with me tonight.

  “Thomas, I only want you. I’ve only ever wanted you. No one can get me this stirred up. Only you.” I brush my thumb along his jaw.

  “Keep talking, baby. I like to hear how stirred up I get you.” He slowly lowers me onto my back. We had fooled around quite a bit, trying pretty much everything except for actual sex. There’s no way he’s backing down from me now.

  “I love you, Thomas. I want you to make love to me.”

  His guttural growl goes straight between my thighs, instantly soaking me. “Halo, I love you so dammed much. I’ve dreamed of hearing you saying those words to me. I hated this place until you came into my life. But I’m dying now because I don’t want to leave you. The navy was supposed to be my escape, but I don’t want to make love to you and then leave you behind. You’re my ray of light. You are my only reason for living. I’m going to have to go soon, baby, but know I will always do everything I can to make my way back to you.” His blue eyes make me promises his words would never be able to express.