by Eric Vall
“We’ll be out in a minute, Todd,” I grumbled as I sat up and looked around for my pants. “I’ve got to put all my armor and shit back on.”
“Ugh, you’re still doing it without your armor? Laaaaaaammmmme,” Todd snickered. “If I had a badass suit of armor like you did, I’d just cut a hole in the codpiece and fuck all the bitches while I was wearing it. Seeing my massive schlong dangling in the wind would probably intimidate my enemies, too … ”
“We’ll be out in a minute,” I reiterated as I hoped the imp would take the hint. “Why don’t you go round up the others?”
“Round ‘em up?” he asked. “They’re already all down there and ready to go. They’re waiting for you guys, bro. Except for Crazy Eyes … Nobody’s seen her since last night. Actually, come to think of it, I should probably go and check on her to make sure she didn’t accidentally ingest too much of that poison or something. Be right back, bro!”
I just chuckled amusedly as I stood up and walked over to my armor. I tugged my fabric clothing back onto my body first, and then I got to work on the various pieces of Hellfire-forged metal that would protect me from enemy weapons.
As I strapped on my cuisses and grieves, Inpulsa was trying to squeeze herself back into her skin-tight leather suit.
“Ugh,” she grumbled, “why is your armor so much more practical than mine?”
“Don’t feel bad,” I reassured her, “Todd once told me the skimpier the armor, the more powerful it really is.”
“Is that true?” she asked as she finally got her pants back on over her ass. “Or is that just another Toddism?”
“Well, if Eligor is any indication, I’d say it’s true,” I laughed. “That stuff she wears barely counts as a bikini, let alone armor.”
Inpulsa pulled her blouse back over her shoulders, covered up her pale nipples, and then attempted to fasten it back together. She appeared to be failing at first, until she took a deep breath in, held it, and quickly fastened the buttons while she was skinnier.
“Whew,” she panted, “so much more convenient. Here, let me help you with that.”
The yellow-haired succubus walked over, picked up my breastplate, and then pulled it up against my torso. As she fastened the leather straps, I could sense a different sort of feeling in the room. There wasn’t tension like before. Rather, it was a different feeling.
Relief.
All of the worries and fears of Inpulsa seemed to be gone, disappeared like a handful of dust on a windy day.
I guess that was “the power of my penis,” as Todd liked to call it.
Finally, once we were both fully dressed, we headed out the door and back down to the main area of the Shining Alliance headquarters. Zilla, Blagdan, and all of our succubi, including Todd and Ira, were huddled together in a small group when we arrived.
“Good news, Jakey!” Todd exclaimed when he saw us approach. “Crazy Eyes wasn’t dead, she was just tied to the bed and couldn’t move!”
“Who tied you to the bed?” I asked the Sister of Wrath with a raised eyebrow.
“I did, of course,” Ira cooed. “Did you really think I was going to do fun times with toxins without splitting into my two halves? I just got tired, and I must have accidentally activated my mirror powers when I dozed off. Oh well, Todd was there to free me, at least.”
“Yeah,” the imp shuddered, “I saw some shit in there that I’d like to wipe clean from my memory forever. Like, straight-up take bleach and pour it into my eyes, bro.”
“I’m just glad to see you’re awake,” Zilla nodded, “The Shining Alliance was starting to worry you had gotten cold feet.”
“Cold feet? Jacob?” Invidia scoffed. “King Ralston doesn’t even understand the meaning of those words.”
“He wouldn’t be the first of our ‘saviors’ to back out at the last minute,” Zilla shrugged, “that’s how we lost our last great general.”
“We’re not gonna lose anybody this time,” I reassured the group, “our plan is pretty foolproof, especially if Tenebris acts like you think he will. Does anyone need me to go over it again?”
“Uh, I totally don’t,” Todd raised his hand, and then he pointed to a random Shadow Person across the room, “but Johnny over there was out with the flu the first time you told it, sooooo … ”
“My name is Armad…” the Shadow Person protested, but Todd cut him off.
“Like he said, bro,” the imp repeated, “Jack in the back needs to hear it one more time.”
“Fine,” I rolled my eyes and turned to address the group, “here’s how it’s gonna go down. There are two strike teams. One of them will charge into the Playhouse when Tenebris is there and clash with his guards. Then, when he and his two most loyal henchmen run away, Deja, Zilla, Inpulsa, and I will ambush him in the back alley. Deja will use her foresight powers, I’ll hit him with the toxin-coated sword, and voila! No more Tenebris. Somebody coated my sword with the Darkfisk venom, right?”
“Right here, King Ralston,” one of the Shadow People explained as he floated forward with the Unhallowed Sword still in its sheath.
He held the weapon out in front of him as he bowed regally, and I took it from his grasp. As I wrapped it back around my waist, Blagdan offered me a word of advice.
“I must warn you, King Ralston,” the general explained, “my men glazed the entire blade with the toxins, so proceed with caution. One wrong move … even a cut as slim as a papercut, and you’re dead.”
“Don’t worry,” I promised the Shadow Person, “I won’t even unsheathe the thing until Tenebris is within my striking distance. How long do I have to worry about the toxins being active?”
“It depends on how deep you thrust your sword,” Zilla explained. “Once the Darkfisk toxin touches blood, it ejects its entire payload into the body. If you were to say, skewer Tenebris clean through, it would all be gone the second you pulled the weapon out.”
“Ejects the whole payload after one penetration, eh?” Todd snickered. “Sounds like me in high school.”
I shot the imp a dirty look, but the severity of the situation didn’t seem to be sinking in for him. As I picked up the Unhallowed Sword and slid it back into its sheath, I noticed it now had a dark, purple sheen.
So, that’s what Darkfisk toxin actually looked like.
“How long do we have before Tenebris shows up at the Playhouse?” I asked aloud. “I want to make sure we’re in position well before that fucker gets into his seat.”
“It’s almost time,” Blagdan nodded, “if you wish, King Ralston, we shall proceed.”
“Then proceed we shall,” I stated calmly. “Before we head out, does anyone have any questions? We all know our roles, right?”
“I’m gonna fake a coma,” Tris suggested, “minimal effort, maximum panic.”
“Uhhh,” I sighed, “don’t you think you could be doing something a bit more… active?”
Tris frowned and crossed her arms over her chest.
“You said ‘create a distraction,’” she implored. “You never said they had to be active distractions.”
“I do have one question,” Ira raised her hand, “I know I’m in the ‘distraction’ group, but how much of a distraction do I need to be? Like, do you just want me to go in with the rest of the group, rough the guards up a bit with my weapons, and then keep them preoccupied? Or do you want me to pull out all the stops and make a real distraction? Because if I do that, I have to warn you that it might get … a little weird.”
“Uhhhh, whatever you think works best,” I shrugged, “I give you complete free reign on that one, just as long as you can keep the guards occupied while we kill the king.”
Ira’s violet eyes shone with glee as she bounced up and down happily. Then the Sister of Wrath held up her finger and dashed off toward the stairs.
“Let me just go get my tool kit!” she giggled over her shoulder. “It’s got all the essentials. Cat of nine tails … extra Darkfisk spines … extra-tight rope … ”
&nbs
p; “That Demon Lord of yours is quite strange,” Zilla noted, “is she alright? Like, fully there in the head?”
“Look, Godzilla,” Todd said as he patted the Shadow Queen’s leg, “I like to think she’s totally normal, just quirky. There ain’t nothin’ wrong with having a kink, ya know? But then my mind goes back to that time I walked in on her and Jakey … ”
“Again, I’m sorry for that,” I apologized, “we totally should have locked the door.”
“Why are you sorry?” The imp shuddered. “I saw what she was doing to your one-eyed monster. I’m just happy we didn’t have to rush you to Strawberry Shortcake for some emergency healing!”
“That wouldn’t have been necessary,” I explained as I felt a hot blush crawling up my face. “Ira had the healing covered.”
Todd scrunched his face into a look of confusion and turned his head.
“What are you talking about?” he asked. “I thought Crazy Eyes could only heal the things inside her own body oooooooooooh my gooooooooooddddddddd.”
The imp’s expression turned to horror as he realized the implication of what I’d said, and he began to shake his head as he gagged intensely.
As Todd was making his wild, over-the-top gestures, Ira returned. Now, the succubus had a comically-large tool belt attached to her waist, filled with goodies that would inflict both pain and pleasure on her body.
“I love the accessories, Sister,” Deja chuckled, “where can I get one of those?”
“Ariel made it for me,” Ira said as she put her hands on her hips and held her head high. “I’m sure she could make one for you, too. We all certainly have enough accessories we carry around.”
“Speak for yourself, Crazy Eyes,” Todd scoffed as his demeanor returned to normal. “There isn’t anything that can contain the tool I’m packin’! Besides, I’d look like a total dweeb wearing one of those. I’m not Tim the fucking Toolman Taylor.”
“Who?” Ira questioned. “Is that somebody I should know?”
“Oh, come on, Crazy Eyes!” Todd threw his hands up in frustration, quirked his eyebrows, and then made the infamous “uuuueeeghhh?” sound.
Ira just pursed her lips and shook her head.
“Nope,” she admitted, “still not ringing a bell.”
“Uncultured, all of ya,” the imp grumbled as he began to walk toward the door and then looked back at the group, “come on, Tinnitus isn’t gonna kill himself.”
“You heard the imp,” I chuckled and motioned to the rest of the team, “we’ve got a Shadow King to kill.”
“Ugh,” Zilla growled, “don’t call him that. I’m the only true ruler around here. What that armored bastard does is just about the furthest thing from ‘ruling’ that I can think of.”
“We’ve already decided on Shadow King,” Tris scoffed, “this dude’s got way too many names as it is.”
Our strike team walked over to the secret entrance of the headquarters, Blagdan said the magic words, and then we all passed through the wall.
“Hold on,” I pondered aloud, “the whole city is on high alert, right? How are we going to get all the way to the Playhouse without getting caught?”
“We’re already on it, my king,” Eclipse said with a coy smile. “Todd, would you like to explain?”
“Oh, it was nothing,” the imp mused, “let me just find ‘em here … ”
We watched curiously as the imp fumbled around in his pockets for a moment. He pulled out several items, including an XL condom, a half-eaten candy bar, and a Hulk Hogan rubber ducky keychain, before he found what he was looking for.
Finally, the imp produced a bunch of small, individually-wrapped packages. He handed them out to the girls and me, and then he unwrapped one for himself.
I watched as Todd unfolded the small black square, held out a cheap tablecloth in front of his body, and sliced two holes into it with his claws. Then the imp tossed it over his figure, lined the holes up with his eyes, and held up his hands in victory.
“What?” was all I could mutter.
“Tadaaa!” the imp cackled. “It’s the perfect disguise, bro. Now, we’ll totally blend in with the rest of the Caligneramuses down here.”
Eclipse, Deja, Ira, Invidia, and Inpulsa all followed the imp’s lead. They cut out eyeholes, slipped the tablecloths over their bodies, and then looked at each other curiously.
“There’s no way that’s going to work,” I guffawed, “you all look like ghosts in a low-budget student film. Fuck, I actually think the student film might have more convincing special effects … ”
“Ye have little faith, Jakey,” Todd scoffed, “I know they’re not the most detailed disguises, but we totally look like Shadow People from a distance. Besides, it’s not like we’re gonna be interacting with a ton of people on our way to the Playhouse, anyway. If anyone looks our way we just smile, nod, and walk past ‘em as quickly as we can.”
“I’m inclined to side with the imp on this one,” Zilla admitted. “The disguises are abysmal, but do you know what’s even worse? Walking around Umbra when you’re a wanted man, and sticking out like a sore thumb when you do it. Todd’s right … these might not be the best disguises, but at least we might get through the town without anyone sounding the alarm.”
“Can’t you just turn us invisible?” I asked the imp in desperation.
“No can do, Jakey,” he shrugged, “Godzilla over there says Shad--er, Caliginisuses can see through that kind of enchantment.”
“Alright, fine,” I sighed as I began to unwrap the crinkly plastic of the tablecloth, “but just for the record, I still don’t think this is gonna work.”
I unfolded the dark plastic fabric, held it up in my left hand, and then drew my goat-headed dagger. The first eyehole cut cleanly, but my blade caught the second one at an angle and caused it to tear awkwardly in a vertical line.
Oh well. It wasn’t like this was an elaborate costume, anyway.
I threw the sheet over my head, adjusted the eye holes so I could see peripherally, and then made sarcastic jazz hands underneath the sheet.
“Whoa,” Invidia joked, “who’s this handsome Caliginis, and what did he do with Jacob?”
“Very funny,” I rolled my eyes, “now, let’s get a move on. The quicker we get to the Playhouse, the less chance there is of somebody recognizing us.”
Zilla and Blagdan led the way down the alleyway and out onto the cobblestone and wood streets of Umbra. There was only the occasional Shadow Person out on their porch or tending to their windows in this part of town, and none of them paid us any mind.
The real test would happen when we got to the crowded area of the town square.
Meanwhile, the succubi, Todd, and I all tried to blend in as best as we possibly could. We tried to walk as lightly as we could in short, quick steps to give the illusion that we were floating. At the same time, we kept our bodies completely rigid. Our arms, torsos, and heads remained completely still and at attention as we sauntered through the city.
At one point, Todd offered to give us all glowing red eyes via his Hellfire, but we politely declined. Mostly because we didn’t want to set ourselves on fire.
My heart beat like a bass drum as we came to the town square. Blagdan’s estimate or Tenebris’ arrival must have been spot on, because it wasn’t anywhere near as desolate as it was before. There must have been hundreds of Shadow People gathered around, all of them heading toward the Playhouse to see and entertain their glorious leader.
“What’s the plan from here, Jacob?” Eclipse questioned. “Do you want us to follow the crowd?”
“The top of the dome is open, right?” I asked the two Shadow People on our team.
“That is correct,” Zilla nodded, “but it is surely guarded by Tenebris’ men.”
“Then that’s where we’ll set up shop,” I plotted. “The distraction team can mingle with the crowd. The rest of us will take out the guards up there and watch the chaos unfold from above. Then, once we see the king take off, we’ll inter
cept him in the alleyway.”
“Ughhhhh,” Invidia sighed, “do we really have to go into a building with that many people?”
“Hey,” Tris interjected, “at least we’ll get to sit in some nice, comfy seats for a little bit before we have to get to work.”
“What shall be the signal?” Ira questioned. “Or is that something you want us to use our discretion for, as well?”
“Oh, oh!” the small, blanketed imp said as he jumped up and down. “How about ‘Deeaaaaattttthhhhh! Deeeaaaaatttthhhhh?’ It totally worked for the Riders of Rohan.”
“Maybe we should go with something a little more … subtle?” Eclipse suggested.
“Fine, fine,” the imp sighed, “how about ‘At my signal, unleash Hell?’”
“Fitting, but still no,” I retorted, “why don’t you just say something like--”
“Snuff out the darkness,” Blagdan interjected. “That is the battle cry of the Shining Alliance.”
“That’s fucking badass, bro,” Todd whistled, “I’m totally stealing that.”
“It’s not really stealing when I’m the one who suggested it,” the Shadow Person reiterated.
“I’m using it, and that’s final.” The imp crossed his arms and let out a “hmmph.”
“Just make sure we do it before the fool Caliban comes on stage,” Blagdan warned, “Tenebris usually cuts out when he shows up. Mostly because he absolutely hates his guts and his sense of humor.”
“If he thinks the dude’s obnoxious,” Tris suggested, “why doesn’t he just, ya know … ”
The Sister of Sloth raised her index finger up to her throat and made a slicing motion and a gory sound.
“Because,” Zilla explained, “Tenebris might be ruthless, but he’s not an idiot. If he just went around killing his citizens left and right, there’d be a revolution. He only kills those who have committed treason.”
“And if he catches either of us here, we’ll be the next ones on his list,” Blagdan said grimly. “I still think it was a bad idea for you to come along, my queen.”
Zilla turned to Blagdan and placed her lanky arm against his shoulder.
“What kind of a leader would I be if I sent my best general into battle all by himself?” she mused. “If you fall today, old friend, then I will fall with you. But we’re not going to. I believe in Jacob Ralston, the Nephilim who bested not only one, but three Demon Kings in combat. He will finally lead us to freedom, my friend.”
