Life Laughs: The Naked Truth about Motherhood, Marriage, and Moving On
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The next thing I know I’m dreaming of this angel floating toward me, screaming, “Jenny, wake up!” I kept telling her this was the best sleep of my life and she kept screaming, “JENNY, WAKE UP!” I honestly was so incredibly comfortable I kept arguing with this woman floating around my face. “Please leave me alone. I’m sleeping so peacefully.” The screams became so angry that I had no other choice but to open one of my eyes. As soon as I did, I became confused by what I saw. I lay there paralyzed by the intensity of black smoke that surrounded me and saw in horror that the ceiling above my head was engulfed in flames. I was amazed that the fire made no sound yet the entire ceiling above me looked like the gates of hell. I started screaming to my boyfriend to wake up, and I was hitting him because I knew he was getting into that death sleep that I had been entering into. After I hit him a few times he opened his eyes and in one breath dragged me out of the room into the hallway. As soon as we plopped down, firemen were showing up and climbed over us to get to the flames. Our entire bodies were black. We were coughing up chunks of black smoke and were told five more minutes and we would have died in our sleep. Now I understand why people don’t die because of the flames in a fire. The smoke takes you to a very peaceful place that you really do not want to wake up from.
If you can believe it, I still had to shoot my first episode of Singled Out that day. I did it with as much life as I could muster, all the while continuing to cough up black chunks. I visited the room the next day and still couldn’t believe I had survived. There were no walls left and everything was black. I learned a few valuable lessons from all of this. One is, always check and make sure the smoke detectors work in any hotel room you are staying in, and number two, don’t leave a candle burning, thinking that your sick boyfriend is going to blow it out after he is done puking for the night.
So even though at times you might think you are indestructible, death is inevitable. If you take good care of yourself and live the best life you can, maybe you can stretch it out a few extra years. And if you’re really lucky, you’ve got a bigmouthed guardian angel watching out for you along the way.
Singled Out
It’s so bizarre to me that I’m open for business again in the dating world. My biggest rise to fame was on a dating game show called Singled Out. I was the confident, ball-busting, in-your-face chick who seemed secure enough to scare the shit out of the cockiest of men. But truthfully, when it comes to first dates, I am as nervous as the rest of them. It’s scarier now that I have a three-year-old son and want to protect him from anyone I date until I truly believe the man is worthy. I feel like now that I am older, not only do I have “baggage” with me but C-section scars and stretch marks that only a husband could love. I have no idea what another guy will think of my birthing wounds since he was not there to witness me trying to deliver my son into this world. I’m sure I’m completely stretched out down there also, and I’m afraid that the guy will feel like he is having sex with a hallway.
Along with those pretty attributes, I’m afraid of learning somebody’s likes and dislikes all over again. I’m also scared of game playing and, scariest of all, I’m afraid of falling in love and getting hurt. I rushed it the last time, and I don’t want it to happen again. On the selfish side, what happens if I fall in love with a guy who has a chopstick for a penis? What if he thinks my deflated boobs look like zucchinis? What if he sees my ring-around-the-ass and is totally turned off? I guess all you can do is trust who you are and hope that someone sees past the booboos on your body along with the ones in your heart, but that’s a lot easier said than done.
It’s been a few months since my divorce, and I went out on my first date just recently. I wish you could have seen how nervous I was. I called every person I know to get advice. I got waxed, a manicure, and even headed to the salon for a blow-dry. On my way to his house I had butterflies in my belly. I listened to Barry Manilow on the radio and bit my newly manicured nails off daydreaming about what lies ahead for me in this game of life. I wasn’t driving there dreaming he was “the one,” I was just hoping for a little company and some food for the soul. Okay, maybe a little French kissing, but nothing else.
I pulled into his driveway and looked in the mirror to check my lip-gloss status. I couldn’t help but notice the smile on my face. It had been a long time since I had looked that happy. It’s amazing that happiness made me look younger than BOTOX. I was definitely on the right path. I opened my car door and walked up his stairs. I stared at his door for at least five minutes before I rang the bell. The butterflies were out of control again, and I felt my armpits draining out like two hoses. I closed my eyes and told myself to relax and be myself. I deserved some happiness and hopefully this was going to be the start of it. I opened my eyes with a smile and reached for the bell. Before my finger even hit the button the door whisked open…
To be continued…
Life’s Little Sayings
Here are a few of my favorite quotes.
Take into account that great love and great achievements involve great risk.
—Dalai Lama
How old would you be if you didn’t know how old you are?
—Satchel Paige
Remember that the best relationship is one in which your love for each other exceeds your need for each other.
—Dalai Lama
Don’t wait for your “ship to come in,” and feel angry and cheated when it doesn’t. Get going with something small.
—Irene Kassorla
When you lose, don’t lose the lesson.
—Dalai Lama
A man would prefer to come home to an unmade bed and a happy woman than to a neatly made bed and an angry woman.
—Marlene Dietrich
Don’t knock masturbation—it’s sex with someone I love.
—Woody Allen
Women:
Women are like apples on trees. The best ones are at the top of the tree. Most men don’t want to reach for the good ones because they are afraid of falling and getting hurt.
Instead, they sometimes take apples from the ground that aren’t as good, but easy. The apples at the top think something is wrong with them, when in reality, they’re amazing. They just have to wait for the right man to come along, the one who’s brave enough to climb all the way to the top of the tree.
Men:
Men are like fine wine. They begin as grapes, and it’s up to women to stomp the shit out of them until they turn into something acceptable to have dinner with.
—Unknown
The author will donate a portion of her proceeds from this book to Talk About Curing Autism (TACA), a nonprofit organization that is focused on building the autism community by connecting people, families, friends, and professionals and sharing information that can help children with autism be the best they can be. To donate or learn more, visit TACAnow.com.