The Truth in My Lies

by Ivy Smoak

  “Just stop, okay?” No one needed to tell me how many problems I had. I was well aware of my own shortcomings. And I knew what was in each of those damn files. “It’s not your problem. I’m not your problem.”

  “You are my problem, Addy! Why won’t you believe me when I tell you that I like you?”

  “I don’t know, Ben. Maybe it’s because Charlotte has your phone number. Or you said you just needed to finish up at my house.”

  “You asked me to play along…”

  “Or that you agreed to call Sally Ann?”

  “And what about me, Addy? How do you think it made me feel that you pretended you didn’t even remember your gardener’s name?” His chest rose and fall when each word. He raked his fingers through his hair. “Are you coming with me or not?”

  I wanted to tell Ben how I really felt about him. And I wanted to tell him that if I came with him, his life would be in danger. As far as I knew, it already was. I needed to focus on my plan. And Ben was nothing more than a complication. A complication that happened to have the thing I currently needed most. “Can you text me Charlotte’s number?”

  “What?” He was staring at me like I had just said the most incredulous thing ever. “Did you just hear anything I said? I want to talk about this.”

  “I need her number.”

  “You’re infuriating, Adeline.”

  Maybe that’s why my husband beats me. It was a numbing thought. A thought a crazy person would think. Between that and the way Ben was looking at me, I suddenly believed Dr. Nash. I probably was insane. Because there certainly was no box of evidence. And I was most definitely going to attempt murder.

  “Would you please just take off the tape?” It was a final plea. He knew I wasn’t going with him. He was finally giving up on me.

  “You should probably take off that mustache before your date.” I opened the door and left him alone in the women’s restroom. But his scent was on me again. On my tongue. On my lips. In my hair.

  I went back to my table but it was empty. The paid check was sitting there. I walked out of the restaurant and found my husband sitting in the car, which was already running. He honked the horn. So much for not angering him this weekend.

  Chapter 34

  I hated being wrong. I had made a sequence of terrible choices in my early twenties. One bad decision after the next that had all led me here. And I hated that I was still unable to make good ones.

  The footage of him beating me would have been perfect. A flawless angle. Apparently I wasn’t grateful. Apparently I had made a scene at the restaurant. Apparently I was worthless.

  My hands shook as I removed the tape from the camera lens. And apparently I was an idiot that couldn’t learn from her past mistakes. I blinked at the camera.

  Was Ben watching? I wanted him to be. Could he see the bruise on the side of my jaw? I hoped he could. We could have captured my husband’s abuse on film. But I had been too stubborn. Too caught up in a love story that would never see fruition. Save me from myself, Ben. I stared at the camera, willing him to help me.

  But my phone didn’t ring or buzz. All I could hear was the water from the shower upstairs. Ben wasn’t watching. And why would he be? I told him not to. I had covered up the cameras. I had ruined everything. Ben was right. This would have been a better way. How much more guilt could I carry before I broke? If I hadn’t already broken.

  God, I shouldn’t have fought with Ben last night. Maybe he had just come to the restaurant to make sure I was okay. He had kissed me like he cared. I ran my index finger along my bottom lip, remembering his lips against mine. But he wouldn’t listen to me. I couldn’t go to the police. He had seen the files downstairs. It wasn’t hard to put two and two together. If he had picked up any of them, he already knew I was insane. It was the words in the files against my own. And it felt like Ben wanted me to go to the police to confess what I was planning. I pinched the bridge of my nose. Or had I misread that whole conversation?

  I wanted to throw something. What did it matter? Ben had never denied calling Sally Ann. Or setting up a date with her. It was done. We were done. I stared back at the camera. Obviously we were done.

  The shower was still running upstairs. Over-thinking everything wasn’t helping. I had more to do than wallow. This was the first time I had been alone since my husband came home. If I was lucky, I’d slip up again and he’d punish me. And we’d get it on camera. And if I wasn’t? I still had another plan.

  In the meantime, I needed to try to get into that safe. My ankle still ached as I made my way down the stairs, but it was getting better. If I was lucky, it would be completely healed in another week or so. Not soon enough for my master plan. But that was why it was such a good plan. I just got to watch it unfold from a safe distance. The boy from Home Alone was a genius.

  I ignored the files, my eyes honing in on the keypad of the safe. I tried our birthdays, names, and other important dates again, this time writing down each thing I tried in a notebook. Nothing. I bit the inside of my lip. I tried the dates backward. What was his favorite holiday? Christmas? I tried that. Nothing.

  I slapped the side of the safe. Work, damn it. I thought of his parents’ names from the marriage certificate and tried them. The stupid machine just beeped innocently back at me. And I knew it wasn’t innocent. I knew there was something terrible in there. Something worse than all these files and the memories in my head.

  The water stopped. I looked up at the ceiling and then back at the safe. “I’ll be back, you son of a bitch.” I pinched the bridge of my nose again as I made my way upstairs. My head was pounding. I needed an Advil. Or maybe I just needed to stop talking to inanimate objects.

  I stepped into our bedroom just as my husband was coming out the bathroom. A towel was slung around his waist. Water dripped down his chest and abs. Any woman who didn’t know him would drool. But the façade didn’t fool me. I knew the darkness that lurked beneath his physique. And he was hideous to me.

  I turned away from him and grabbed the bottle of Advil from my nightstand. Huh. It was regular Advil. Not extra strength. I rotated the bottle in my hand to look at the back. I knew it had been extra strength. Because I didn’t like it. And it didn’t seem to work. Where had this come from?

  “Did you put this here?” I asked as I turned to my husband.

  “It was there since I’ve been home. Even though it doesn’t belong there.”

  The snide remark wasn’t lost on me. But I wasn’t talking about it not being in the medicine cabinet. I meant the actual existence of the bottle. “Did you pick it up for me? I thought we had extra strength.”

  He grabbed it out of my hand and placed it back on the nightstand. His fingers gently traced the bruise on my jaw. “Are you in pain, Adeline?”

  I tried not to recoil from his touch. “I’m fine.” That wasn’t why I was asking about the Advil. I was asking because a bottle that hadn’t been in our house a few days ago had miraculously appeared on my nightstand.

  “I can make you feel better.” His mouth fell to my neck and I cringed.

  “I’m not really in the mood.”

  He ignored me and leaned forward, pushing me against the bed.

  No. My eyes gravitated to the camera on the dresser. I had taken off the tape from it earlier. But I didn’t do it so that Ben could see this happen. I never wanted Ben to see this.

  He’s not watching. The voice in the back of my head made me close my eyes. He doesn’t care about you. If he did, he would have tried to call. He would have seen the bruise. He would have seen your tears. You’re all alone.

  The thought of Ben not watching made me even nervous than if he had been watching.

  “Really, I’m not in the mood.” I tried to push on his shoulders.

  “I know it hurts. I’ll make it better. I always make it better.”

  I felt nauseous. “Please.”

  He didn’t hear me begging him not to. He never could read me. Instead he took it as an invitation. H
e actually thought I wanted him. It would have been funny if I was miles away from him. But here in his arms? Nothing was humorous.

  His lips crashed against mine. He forced my lips to part with his tongue.

  I missed Ben’s touch. Ben’s taste. But for some reason, it was harder to remember now. Our parting last night felt final. The memories were slipping. Just like everything seemed to slip from my mind.

  The thought was terrifying. And the harder he kissed me, the harder it was to remember. His soft hands wiped away the feeling of Ben’s rough ones. His groans made Ben’s groans vanish. He was taking everything from me. I tried to push against him again, but he just clutched me harder. And his painful grip erased the memory of Ben’s loving touch.

  I was in hell. He pushed the hem of my skirt up. I was in hell and there was no escape. Killing him wouldn’t take away my pain. Nothing would. I didn’t resist his advances any further. There was no point. It’s not like I had anything left to save.

  But the sharp knock on the door was a welcome reprieve to his burning kisses on my flesh. I pushed away from him.

  “Ignore it,” he said.

  “It might be important.” Even though I knew it wasn’t. It was probably just some door-to-door salesman.

  The knock sounded even louder.

  He groaned. “Fine. I need to get dressed. Answer the door.”

  I took the escape. My head cleared as soon as I was out of our bedroom and away from him. But that thought lingered. Killing him wouldn’t erase the memories. The only thing that seemed to make me not think about my husband’s touch, sight, smell, taste, and sound was Ben. He made me feel whole again. Alive again. He filled up every one of my senses so I couldn’t feel anything but him.

  I opened up the door and it was like my guardian angel had appeared. Ben was standing on my front porch and he was every bit the heaven to my husband’s hell.

  Chapter 35

  “What happened?” Ben asked.

  I stepped out onto the porch and closed the door behind me.

  He reached out and touched the side of my jaw. The way he touched me was soothing. It was affectionate. Protective.

  “I’m sorry.” My lower lip quivered. “I should have listened to you. If I had taken the tape off the cameras we would have caught him.”

  “It’s okay, Addy.” He kept his hand on the side of my face, not caring at all that my husband could open the door any minute. Or that the neighbors could probably see.

  And for just one moment, I didn’t care either. I wrapped my arms around him, pressing the side of my face against his strong chest. I just wanted to feel safe. “Why are you still wearing that ridiculous mustache?” I mumbled into his chest.

  He laughed. “You said your husband was dangerous. I wanted to be untraceable.”

  I reluctantly stepped away from the safety of his arms. “The mustache won’t help. Or the baseball cap.” He actually did look good in the baseball cap, though. For just a moment I could see our future. Cheering at a Phillies game, embracing after a home run.

  But first I had to take care of my past. “You need to go before he comes down.”

  “Actually, I was hoping to distract him for a while. Talk shop.”

  I stared at him.

  “You know…what hedges he wants trimmed. That kinda thing.”

  “So your plan was to wear a fake mustache and tell him that you’re Ben Jones the landscaper? That’s a terrible, awful idea. You need to go. Now.”

  “He’ll know my name, but he won’t know what I look like. It’s fine.”

  “Please trust me on this. If he sees your face, you’re as good as dead. That mustache isn’t fooling anyone. Please go, Ben.” I looked over my shoulder at the door. We were running out of time.

  “And I always thought doctors were bad with faces.” He laughed when I didn’t say anything. “You know…the bad bedside manner and everything. Have you seriously never heard that stereotype?”

  “No, I have. But my husband isn’t a doctor.” What was he talking about?

  “I thought you said he was a doctor.”

  “I never said that. He’s an insurance collector.” Of sorts. “Ben, you really need to go. He’s gonna open that door any second.”

  “Are you sure you don’t want me to…”

  “Absolutely not.”

  His eyes searched mine. I could tell he didn’t want to abandon me. And I appreciated that more than I could say. But this was my battle, not his.

  He sighed, finally conceding. “Call me if you need me, okay?”

  I turned back to the door without responding to him.

  “Promise me that you’ll call, Addy.”

  I grabbed the doorknob. “I will. And thank you for saving me. You came over just in time to prevent…”

  “He was going to hit you again?” There was a vein in the side of his neck that seemed to bulge. I had never seen it before. He was a little young to show signs of stress.

  “No, that’s not…wait, you didn’t see?”

  “I saw your face. I came as soon as I could.”

  “You have perfect timing.” Just like a knight in shining armor would. “This will all be over soon.” In one way or another. “He’ll be gone again Monday morning.”

  “I’ll see you Monday morning then.” He looked sad and a little dejected, just standing there on my porch in his silly disguise. I didn’t have the heart to tell him that if we didn’t get my husband’s actions on film, or if my other plan didn’t work, that I was going to be leaving. That Monday may be one of our last days. I couldn’t tell him, because he was already hurting. I could see it in his face, his eyes, his posture. I was feeling that same hurt. But we couldn’t afford to comfort each other.

  I stepped back into the house just as my husband was coming down the stairs. I quickly closed the door so he wouldn’t see Ben.

  “Who was it?” he asked as he clasped his watch. He didn’t even look at me when he stepped off the stairs.

  I sighed with relief. He definitely hadn’t seen Ben. “It was just one of those door-to-door people like you thought. They wanted to give us a quote for new siding.”

  “New siding? This house isn’t even five years old.”

  I laughed. “That’s what I said.”

  He shook his head. “Don’t they look at the signs posted at the front of the neighborhood? We should report them.”

  “It’s fine. It wasn’t a bother. And if we needed new siding then it would have been nice that they stopped by.”

  “Still. Who tries to sell siding in such a new neighborhood? You’d think they’d do more research before breaking the law. If we weren’t moving soon, I’d report them.”

  I pressed my lips together. Since when did he care about breaking the law? I didn’t know whether it was better to provoke him or not. Yes, getting him on camera would be good. But killing him would be better.

  “Speaking of which,” he said before I could decide what to say. “Browse some houses today. I’m leaning toward something in the 33109 zip code. Let me know if you find something you like.”

  “What are you going to do?” I asked as I followed him through the hall. “I thought you might want to look together.” I could set my computer up in the kitchen and try to get him to hit me. Even though the thought made my stomach turn over.

  “I have some work to do.” He unlocked the basement door and opened it.

  I had done something to earn another file. But I didn’t know what. Was it because of our fight last night? My “scene” at dinner? I hadn’t done anything wrong. “What are you working on?”

  “Just writing down a few things before I forget. And I need to box up some of my files for the move.”

  Of course he did.

  “There’s some boxes in the garage if you want to start packing too. But look at the houses first. I know you’re going to find something you like.”

  I strongly doubted that. “What’s in the safe down there?” I was feeling bold. And I was
also only a few steps away from the kitchen. If he hurt me, I’d have a record of it. A real one that I hadn’t misplaced.

  A smile curled onto his lips.

  Not a regular, “you’re stupid, Adeline,” smile. This one was sinister. And bone-chilling.

  “We both know what’s in there,” he said.

  I didn’t. I’d remember if he had told me. I didn’t even know it had been installed. He was keeping me I the dark, but trying to make me feel like I was crazy. He was a manipulative asshole. “What’s the password?”

  “Stop being silly. You’re the one that made it, Adeline.”

  I wasn’t being silly. For some reason I found that word extremely condescending. “That’s not funny. You know I didn’t make the password. I didn’t even know the safe was there until yesterday when I…happened upon it.” Crap, now he’d know I was snooping. I took a step back toward the kitchen. Come get me, you sick bastard. “And I want to know what’s inside.”

  “Give your medicine a few more days to kick in and I’m sure you’ll remember, babe.” He switched on the light and was about to step down when he paused. “Are you feeling okay? You look a little pale.”

  He was taunting me. I just didn’t know why. What was his end game here? “I’m fine.”

  “Great. Have fun looking at houses.” He disappeared down into the basement.

  Chapter 36

  He’d been down there for hours. Hours. I stared at the computer screen, clicking through the images of the house I'd pulled up. It was beautiful. With breathtaking views of the ocean. It was someone’s dream house.

  But I wasn’t living a dream. I was living a nightmare. I eyed the basement door. Really. What the hell was he doing down there? It didn’t take this long to toss a bunch of files into some boxes.

  I stood up and stretched, almost tripping over the box on the floor that I had been packing. It was odd playing along. Looking at houses, packing up plates. Everything in this house would be ash by Wednesday night.

  Except for the stuff in that safe. It looked industrial. It was probably fireproof. What had he meant that I set the password? I pinched the bridge of my nose, trying to ease the headache that was coming. Maybe he was down there trying to crack the code that I had set. Was it possible that I had actually set it?