by Ivy Smoak
I so badly wanted to believe him. But I knew my next words would change everything. “It wasn’t just because of all the files that I didn’t go to the cops. I was worried what my husband would tell them if I did.” I took a deep breath and let the words come out in my exhale. “Because four years ago, I killed my father. And my husband watched me do it.”
Chapter 40
Ben’s hand felt like lead in mine. Someone else might not have noticed the shift, but I did. He was losing faith in me. And he had every right to. He was chasing a murderer. But I was one too.
“What happened?” he asked. “You said your husband was going to help you find him. I thought you wanted a relationship with your dad.”
“I did. I mean…I thought I did. But he was nothing like what I expected. Or maybe he was everything I expected.” I shook my head. “That not true. Those were my husband’s thoughts. His words. He said them over and over again. He told me my father thought I was worthless. That he didn’t regret abandoning me.” Stop.
“So you killed him?”
“My husband knew my weaknesses. He played to them. He got in my head. He gave me the gun and convinced me to pull the trigger.” I ignored the tears running down my cheeks. “I was already broken.” My voice cracked. “This was six years after we'd gotten married. He had been hurting me for so long. He was already forcing me to take pills. He knew how to control me. He knew I’d do anything he said in order for the pain to stop. A few years before this happened I had tried to take my own life.” I ran my thumb along the scars on my wrist. “Because I'd just had a miscarriage.” I shook my head. “People always refer to that as losing a baby. But I didn’t lose my baby. He killed it. He hurt me.” I tried to blink away the tears. “And I couldn’t take the pain. I was drowning. I just wanted it all to end.”
“Addy.” The name held so much agony on his tongue.
“And my father didn’t deny any of what my husband said, Ben. He just stood there.” I shook my head. “He had my eyes. And his weren’t filled with dread like mine. He had lived a great life without me. A better life without me. Everything my husband said was true. Every. Single. Thing. He turned me into a monster.”
“Addy. You’re saying that your husband forced you to hold a gun. That he convinced you to pull the trigger.”
“What does that matter? I was the one that pulled it! I killed him.” It felt like I was back there. Like my memories had swallowed me whole.
“You were on prescriptions you didn’t need. You wouldn’t have done it without his encouragement. Addy, look at me.”
I forced myself to look into his eyes. His face was blurry through my tears. I could have had happiness. I could have continued my lies. I could have finally been free. But there was something freeing about telling him my secret.
“A serial killer forced you to kill. After years of abuse. I think we’ll be able to sway the court’s mind.”
“Ben, I killed someone. Nothing will take that away. I’ve tried to rationalize it in my mind for years. The pills. The depression. Him egging me on.” I was gasping for air. “My life was over anyway. He killed my soul. And I was so angry.” I covered my mouth with my hand.
Ben did the last thing I expected him to do. He shifted forward and wrapped his arms around me.
I cried into his shoulder until no more tears would come. I got out all the hurt. The years of pain and secrecy. And he rubbed my back the whole time.
“Let’s take that son of a bitch down,” he said as my tears slowed.
I pulled away, wiping the rest of my tears away. “This is where you’re supposed to arrest me.”
He shook his head. “My whole job is about secrecy. You don’t think I’m capable of keeping your secrets?”
“I’m not asking you to, Ben. You’re only 23 years old. You have your whole career ahead of you. Your whole life. The last thing I want to do is jeopardize that.”
“Addy, I’m not a 23 year old lawn care specialist. I’m a 32 year old FBI agent, and I’m perfectly capable of making my own decisions. I’ve already broken the rules by getting involved with you. What’s one more?”
“You’re 32? I knew you looked older.” The more we talked, the more I thought we could work. He wasn’t some young man. He was two years older than me. He wasn’t missing out on a lifetime of happiness by choosing me. I could be his happiness.
He shrugged. “My boss thought that saying I was younger would make people more likely to confess to me. A boy-next-door vibe or something like that. In a way, I guess it kind of worked. I got you to confess.” He gave me a small smile.
I exhaled slowly. “You were never supposed to see the good in me.”
“It’s a little too late for that, Addy. You’re beautiful and smart. You’re the strongest person I’ve ever met. And one mistake doesn’t define you.”
“It wasn’t some mistake. I just confessed to murder. I’m guilty.”
“And no one else was listening. You’ve been to hell and back already. You’ve suffered enough, Addy.”
I let his words settle around me. He was the only other person that knew the truth besides for my husband. And he was saying he’d keep my secret.
“Unlike what you think, the world isn’t black and white. There are blurred lines. Most everything is gray.”
I didn’t agree with him. But I was relieved that he had such a naïve view of the world. And he was right about one thing. I had suffered enough.
I just needed to get through the next few days. And then maybe I’d finally wake up from the nightmare I’d been living. “I regret it,” I said. “I know it doesn’t make any difference, but I do. And you’re right. I’ve paid for sins I haven’t committed. I’ve already suffered enough.”
“I’m not going to tell anyone.”
I nodded. I never thought I’d tell another living soul about what I had done. But I also never thought I’d feel like I could trust someone. And I knew I could trust him. And I could trust him to do the exact opposite with my husband’s secrets. Because he seemed to hate him as much as I did. It was time to end this. “What else do you need to know about my husband?”
Chapter 41
I was expecting him to fire questions at me. I didn’t expect him to grab my hand and lead me out of the family room. Out the back door and into the woods.
The fear of being back here usually paralyzed me, each step becoming harder than the last. But with my hand in his, it was easy to breathe. He had taken a weight off my shoulders. And it didn’t feel like anything could put it back.
My feet crunched through the fall leaves. I actually enjoyed it. I was almost sad to leave the cover of the trees when we reached his backyard. And I had the strangest realization that I would follow this man to the end of the earth.
I followed him into this house and held my breath as he pulled out a key and opened up his basement door. “After you,” he said and gestured for me to enter.
I felt like a child in a candy shop. I practically ran down the stairs. His basement wasn’t that dissimilar from mine. But instead of files lining the walls, there were zigzags of yarn between newspaper clippings and pictures.
“This is everything I have,” Ben said.
I stared at the image of myself. My eyes were closed. It was taken from far enough away that my shoulder was showing. My sweater had been pushed down, revealing the bruising on my shoulder. I yanked the picture off the board and turned to Ben.
“When did you take this?” I asked as I stared at the image. It was strange, seeing myself so peaceful. I never felt calm when I was awake. Did I really dream at night? I could only remember nightmares.
“When you slept over.”
Maybe I was peaceful now because of Ben. I stood on my tiptoes and placed a kiss against his lips. “Thank you, Ben. For reminding me what it feels like to live again.”
His hand was soft on my lower back as he pulled me closer. “The feeling is mutual. And in a few days, when all of this is over, we can finally be
together.”
“I already belong to you, Ben.”
He frowned as he pushed a strand of hair out of my face. “You don’t belong to me. You don’t belong to anyone. You’re your own person with your own dreams.”
But I did belong to him. He had what was left of my heart. My soul. My everything.
“So you haven’t been looking at fawn in the woods this whole time?”
“No, I’ve been a little preoccupied watching you.”
A lot of people would have felt uneasy by his words. But I loved that he was watching. And I’m pretty sure I was falling in love with him.
***
“I wish I knew more. But he barely talks to me.” I watched Ben as he tried another lock combination. We had been down here for hours with no luck.
“Anything you can think of?” He tried another code. “Anything that he might use as a code?”
“I already tried everything.”
“Then just tell me about him. About your relationship. Anything.”
“Please don’t make me do that, Ben.”
Ben looked up at me. “It might help us get in. We’re running out of time.”
I sat down next to him. “Can I ask you another question instead?”
He didn’t say anything. He just tried another code.
“Why do people call him The Doctor?” It had been driving me crazy.
“The rumors are that he’s a psychologist.” He cursed under his breath as he tried another wrong code.
“Ben, he’s been manipulating me ever since we got married. He’s been piling evidence of my insanity so that no one would ever believe my word.” I gestured to the boxes of files. “He paints me as a lunatic really well. But he's no psychologist.”
“They’re just rumors. We think that he targets people in online forums. Individuals who search the internet as a last resort for drugs. Most of the victims have been in and out of therapy.”
Like me.
“He prescribes them drugs to get their address. It’s pretty easy for him from there.”
“Who would accept drugs from some fake doctor online?”
“People who are desperate for a cure. People who would do anything for help. Not everyone has access to the care they need. You’d be surprised at how many black markets there are for prescription drugs.”
Hearing that made my chest hurt. Here I was, throwing pills down my garbage disposal, when there were people out there that desperately needed them. “But you didn’t say that the victims are sick or dying. So they wouldn’t necessarily have high life insurance policies. Your theory doesn’t make any sense.”
He stopped fiddling with the safe. “Perhaps.”
“I was always suspicious of what he did for work. Every now and then he comes home with a scratch on his neck or a speck of blood on his collar. All easily explained away. But he didn’t hesitate to tell me the truth when I asked. He was proud of himself. I’m very aware that my husband is a monster. But he doesn’t do that.”
“So what do you think he does?”
“I don’t think it. I know it. He works for some thug. He’s sent to collect debts. He kills people who owe his boss money and collects their life insurance as a last resort to settle the debt. My husband is the muscle, not the brain.”
“And I’m hoping you’re wrong. Because that means it’s bigger than him. I just want this to all be over. If he has a boss, another insurance collector will be hired. The murders won’t stop.”
“You’ll still have caught a serial killer.”
“It’s not a serial killer if he’s being paid to kill. That’s just a hit man.” Ben focused on the safe again.
“I’d still call that a win.”
“I didn’t say it wouldn’t be. No matter what, your husband deserves to go to prison. He deserves it just for putting his hands on you.” He sighed. “Maybe we should take a break.” He put his hand on top of one of the moving boxes as he stood up. “You’re sure we shouldn’t look at the files? Maybe…”
“Ben, they’re all lies. They’re transcripts of my therapy sessions. Summaries of my apparent insanity. They have nothing to do with this.” I pointed to the safe. “Can’t we just melt it with the blow torch I got?”
Ben shook his head. “No, this is top of the line. It’s virtually indestructible.”
It was built to contain the darkness. I stared at it longingly. How badly I wanted to get inside. How badly I wanted my husband to pay for every crime he had ever committed. The Doctor. What a load of crap. He was nothing more than a weak man who pushed me around to feel better about himself. The name glorified him. Didn’t the media see that? He probably got off on it. He probably loved it.
But he certainly liked pushing drugs on me. It was the only thing that aligned with Ben’s theory. At the same time, though, he needed Dr. Nash to force me to take the drugs. He couldn’t prescribe them.
“He’s not a doctor,” I said. “So how can he even prescribe medication?” Got you, Ben.
“The black market I mentioned. It would be easy for someone like him to get drugs.” He was eyeing the moving boxes longingly.
Someone with money. Again, the thought made my chest hurt. “So why did he make me go to a legitimate psychologist? Why wouldn’t he just give me some of his illegal drugs?”
“You’re right.” He grabbed both sides of my face. “You brilliant woman. Maybe they’re working together. What did you say your psychologist’s name was?” He let go of my face and pulled out his phone. He was already typing something into it.
“Dr. Nash.”
“I’m going to go pay her a visit. I’ll be back later.”
“Can’t I come with you?”
“Keep trying combinations. It’s better if I question her alone.” He was already making his way up the basement stairs.
“Ben, you can’t believe a word she says. She’s a liar. She just listens to everything my husband says and never…” I stopped mid-sentence. “Oh my God. What if she’s been in bed with him this whole time?”
“Addy, I think you may have just cracked this case wide open.”
The smile on his face was contagious. I turned back to the safe. Now if I could just figure out the code. Everything was falling perfectly into place. I typed in the first thing that crossed my head. NASH.
The safe clicked open.
Chapter 42
That bitch is sleeping with my husband. I didn’t even understand my reaction. Why did I care what he did with his free time? I’d rather her be under him than me. It was just this sickening gut feeling. I immediately dismissed the thought. It didn’t matter if she was sleeping with him. All that mattered was they were clearly working together. He had made the code her freaking name.
All those years of appointments. It was right in front of me the whole time. She never listened to me. It was just some sick game my husband was playing. Controlling my mind. Not anymore.
I stared at the safe. Now that it was opened, I was almost scared to look at it. What if there was a dead body? Or tons of evidence and I accidentally touched everything? I could ruin the whole case. Maybe I should wait for Ben.
But my hand had a mind of its own. My fingers wrapped around the metal door. I held my breath as it squeaked open.
The whole thing was blindingly white, like it had recently been scrubbed with bleach. It almost sparkled. Blindingly white. And alarmingly empty. No. Of course he had scrubbed it clean when he was down here for hours the other night. He had hidden the evidence. No! I slammed the side of the safe and something slid out of it onto my feet.
A white envelope. I hadn’t seen it against the whiteness of the safe. My hands shook as I lifted it. There was nothing on the envelope. No address or name. I turned it over in my hands. It felt heavy even though it was thin. Like it held every piece of evidence imaginable. I had waited my whole life for this moment. I tore it open and pulled out a letter.
Adeline,
If you’re reading this, there isn’t much t
ime left. You stopped taking your medication. Why? Why do you constantly insist on torturing yourself? Why do you never listen to me?
I’d advise you to go back on your meds, but we both know you won’t. Your mind is already made up. You’re feeling better, I know. I wish it was permanent. I wish you could find peace. But Adeline, that is never going to happen. I’m sorry, but it’s not. And honestly, you don’t deserve it.
If you figured out who I am, it’s only a matter of days now until you know the truth. It comes back in a wave. An intoxicating rush. Don’t fight it. There’s no point. It’s easier if you embrace it. Not all problems are meant to be solved. Not all issues can be fixed.
All I can do now is delay the inevitable. I hid what you’re looking for. I promise it’ll all make sense soon. Enjoy your last few days of sanity. It goes away in the blink of an eye. And the worst is yet to come.
XOXO,
-Dr. Nash
Well, the joke was on her, because I literally had no idea what any of that meant. All I knew was that Dr. Nash was trying to ruin my life. Just like my husband was. I wanted to scream.
The safe was supposed to have the answers. Instead I was left with riddles from a psychopath. And I was never going back on my medicine. If this letter was here to convince me I was crazy, she had done a terrible job. It just made me think she was crazy.
I started pacing back and forth in the room as I reread the letter. Running out of time. She was the one that was out of time. And the joke was on her. I was finally finding peace. In Ben. She could keep my husband. I had found someone so much better. Someone who treated me right. Someone that was going to help me escape all of this.
I slammed the safe closed. The next time I saw Dr. Nash she’d be behind bars. Maybe I’d visit her and tell her she was the insane one. Maybe I’d visit her every day and reinforce that fact. I’d ruin her life like she tried to ruin mine.
The words echoed around in my head. I hid what you’re looking for. That was the only thing in the letter that mattered. She had hidden the evidence that my husband was a killer. And I was going to find it. I went up the stairs. I just needed to think about where she’d put it. If her and my husband were working together, maybe they hid it together.
