Dear God, Help!!! Love, Earl

by Barbara Park

  It was totally clear that Maxie wanted my mother to leave. Now. But when she turned her head to give a quick wave to Rosie, her eyes got stuck on Eddie McFee.

  She frowned. “Don’t I know you?” she asked. “Your face looks so familiar to me.”

  Mom started snapping her fingers. “Where in the world would I have seen—”

  In an instant, her whole expression changed.

  “Hold it, I remember now,” she said. “You were the boy outside the drugstore last Saturday, weren’t you? You were the one who was yelling at my son through the car window.”

  Eddie’s face went totally pale. “Yeah, well, I mean, I was there at the drugstore on Saturday and all, Mrs. Wilber. But I swear to God, I had no idea that Earl—”

  “Please,” said my mother. “Don’t you even think about making an excuse for that kind of behavior, young man. Couldn’t you tell something was seriously wrong with Earl? Did he honestly look okay to you? Because, believe me, he was not okay. By the time we got to the drugstore on Saturday, Earl was as stiff as a board.”

  As soon as those words were out of her mouth, Eddie’s knees caved in and he slumped to the floor.

  Maxie rushed Mom straight outside.

  “Don’t worry about Eddie, Mrs. Wilber,” I heard him say. “We’ll take care of him. I promise.”

  Then he slammed the side door right in my mother’s face and locked it.

  Maxie walked back to Eddie and sat beside him on the floor. This time, when he spoke, his voice was calm and confident.

  “Man, it’s lucky for you that Rosie and I kept our mouths shut just now, isn’t it, Ed?” he asked.

  “Thank you,” said Eddie quietly. “Really. I mean it. Thank you.”

  Maxie patted his shoulder. “Don’t mention it,” he said. “See, the thing is, Ed, that way down deep inside, Rosie and I both know that what happened to Earl on Friday was a total accident, okay? I mean, Earl was our best friend and all. But we never thought for a second that you really meant to hurt him.”

  Eddie looked relieved. “You didn’t? Really?”

  Maxie stood back up. “No, Eddie. I swear. We know that you were just playing with him. We know that nothing that you did to Earl was intentional.”

  “It wasn’t, Maxie,” Eddie said. “I promise. I was just having a little fun with him, that’s all. I didn’t know there was anything wrong with his stomach. I promise. Thank you for not telling anyone. I owe you. Really. Thank you for not squealing.”

  Right away, Maxie started to frown. “Oh, dear. I’m sorry, Eddie, but I think you misunderstood me,” he said. “Just because Rosie and I didn’t squeal to Earl’s mother doesn’t mean we’re not going to squeal at all.”

  Rosie agreed. “Correct,” she said. “You see, the thing is, Ed, my grandfather is a retired police detective, so I know the law. And the law says that even if something is an accident, it still has to be reported. In fact, the only reason we didn’t tell Earl’s mother is that—in situations like this one—things need to be reported in the proper order.”

  She pulled a cell phone out of her pocket and looked down at him. “We’re calling the cops, dude.”

  Eddie’s eyes got so big, I thought they would pop out of his head. “No! Please! Not the cops! You can’t! You can’t!” he hollered.

  He got up off the floor and ran toward Rosie. But before he could get to her, she boosted herself onto Mr. Zuckerman’s workbench and she stood up. Then she started pressing numbers as fast as she could.

  “The good thing about having a police detective in the family,” she said, “is that you know the station number by heart.”

  She held the phone up to her ear. “Hello, Sergeant Finney? Hi, it’s me, Rosie Swanson.”

  Eddie pulled on her socks. “No! No! No!” he said. “Please, don’t tell on me. Please, Rosie! I’ll do anything you want! I swear! Anything! Just don’t tell the cops what I did!”

  Then all at once, something amazing happened.

  Something that I never expected to see in my whole entire life.

  Eddie McFee started to cry.

  Not a lot, I don’t mean. Like you wouldn’t describe it as bawling or anything. But even from my peekhole in the corner of the garage, I could see that his eyes were filling with tears.

  Rosie hung up the phone and got down from the workbench.

  She reached her hand out to Eddie. “Ed? Are you okay?”

  Maxie went over to him, too. “You’re not having some kind of breakdown, are you, Ed? Is there someone you want us to call?”

  Eddie sniffed hard and wiped his eyes.

  Maxie pointed to the cell phone. “Look, Ed. See? Rosie hung up. She not talking to the sergeant anymore, okay?”

  Eddie wiped his nose. He seemed to be calming down a little.

  Maxie waited a minute before he continued.

  “Ed? Before I forget, did I hear you make Rosie and me an offer while she was talking on the phone just now? Did I hear you say something about doing ‘anything we want’?”

  “Yes!” said Eddie. “Anything! I swear, you guys. If you don’t call the police, I’ll do anything you want me to.”

  Maxie seemed to be thinking it over. “Gee, I don’t know. What do you think, Rosie? I’d really like to work out a deal with Ed. But I’m not sure how Earl would feel about it. I mean, Earl wasn’t full of revenge or anything. But still, he might want the guy who squished his intestines to pay for it somehow.”

  “Hmm,” said Rosie. “I don’t know, either, Max. I honestly don’t have a clue how Earl would feel about this.”

  She sighed. “I guess if we want to know for sure, there’s only one way to find out.”

  Then, without saying another word, she walked over to the corner where I was hiding. And one by one, she slowly removed the boxes from in front of me.

  Eddie’s jaw dropped down to his chest.

  I’m not kidding. I’ve never seen anybody look that shocked in my life.

  As usual, seeing him face to face scared me to death. But there was no way I was going to chicken out now.

  Even though my legs felt weak, I walked over to where he was standing and forced a smile.

  Then—before I lost my nerve completely—I leaned as close as I dared to Eddie McFee’s face. And I quietly said, “Boo.”

  Eddie made a fist.

  Thinking fast, Maxie grabbed the camcorder out of my hand and held it up in front of him. Then he and Rosie started telling him everything. All about how I’d been hiding in the corner of the garage. And how I’d been taping everything he did from my peekhole behind the boxes.

  “You got it all, didn’t you, Earl?” Maxie asked me. “All of the begging? And all of the tears?”

  I nodded. “Yeah. I got it all, all right.”

  Maxie laughed out loud. “Man, Eddie. Your friends are going to love this video, aren’t they? I bet they’ll get a real kick out of the funny trick we played on you.”

  Rosie laughed, too. “Sure they will,” she said. “I bet almost none of them have seen you cry before, have they, Ed? This tape is going to show them a whole new side of you.”

  Feeling braver than ever, Maxie turned to Eddie and casually started flicking lint off his shirt.

  “Hey, I just thought of something, Ed. Maybe we can invite your friends over to the garage tomorrow after school, and we’ll all watch the video together.”

  Maxie let Eddie consider the possibility.

  “Of course, that decision is totally up to you, Eddie,” he went on. “The thing is that none of your friends ever has to see this tape at all. Actually, the whole thing depends on how you treat our friend Earl from now on.”

  It didn’t take long for Eddie to figure things out.

  “Blackmail,” he said in a hush. “You guys are blackmailing me.”

  Maxie cringed. “Ouch, Ed. That hurt. ‘Blackmail’ is such an ugly word.”

  As he was talking, Rosie casually took the camcorder out of Maxie’s hands and got into the ’55 C
hevy. She locked all the doors.

  “Don’t mind her,” said Maxie. “Rosie’s just protecting our investment.”

  Maxie chuckled a little. “Words are funny, aren’t they, Ed? You call the videotape blackmail. And we call it … well, an investment.”

  Rosie rolled down the window a crack. “The thing is though, it doesn’t really matter what anyone calls it, Eddie,” she said. “The only thing that matters is the way you treat Earl. It’s pretty simple, really. From now on, if you don’t treat him with respect, this tape gets shown to your friends. But if you treat Earl nice, it doesn’t.”

  Eddie glared at me meanly.

  I waved.

  Furious, he shoved me backward. “Get out of my face, Jumbo,” he said.

  Instantly, Rosie’s voice exploded from the car window.

  “Oh, no, no, no, Ed! Not a good move! I wouldn’t be shoving Earl anymore if I were you! In fact, if you lay one more finger on him …”

  She pointed to the camcorder still in her hand. “IT’S SHOWTIME!”

  Eddie backed off. This time, something in his face told me that he understood.

  I looked at him a minute. Then my face went deadly serious.

  “Oh, yeah … and, Ed? There’s one other thing that you’re going to need to remember, too.”

  I paused.

  “From now on, you call me Earl.”

  *11* RUNNING AMUCK

  It was Wednesday morning, and I was sitting in class counting down the minutes till P.E.

  Soon I would have to face Eddie McFee again. And as usual, it was giving me a nervous stomach. I mean, I realized that The Plan had worked and all. But still, you can never be sure what a crazy guy like Eddie might do.

  Even when Mrs. Mota dismissed us that morning, I didn’t hurry to the gym. Instead, I crossed my fingers and prayed that Eddie would keep his wits about him.

  I read that phrase in a book one time. “Keeping your wits about you” means that you stay real calm and you don’t “run amuck.” “Running amuck” means “charging around in a murderous frenzy.” You don’t actually have to run all over the place, though. Like the first time Eddie flushed my head down the toilet, he wasn’t charging all around, really. But he was definitely running amuck.

  Anyway, you can’t imagine how relieved I was when I walked into the gym and saw Eddie and Maxie sitting next to each other in the bleachers.

  Maxie was grinning his head off, too. As soon as he saw me, he gave me a thumbs-up sign. You should have seen the way he did it. He held his thumb right in front of Eddie’s face, practically, and wiggled it under the guy’s nose.

  Eddie looked ticked off. But he didn’t knock Maxie’s hand out of the way or anything.

  Still feeling on edge, I stopped a few feet from where he was sitting. “Hello, Edward,” I said nicely. “How are we feeling this morning?”

  Eddie glared at me. But in spite of how annoyed he looked, I began to relax. Then, for some unknown reason, I got this insane urge to lean closer to his face and say boo again.

  It was a stupid thing to do. I know it was. But that’s all it took. Just that one little “boo,” and Eddie McFee started running amuck.

  The next thing I knew, he had jumped out of the bleachers, put me in another one of those headlocks, and was driving me toward the wall like a battering ram.

  To my surprise, it only took me a second before I started to shout.

  “HEY, EVERYBODY! HEY! GUESS WHAT I HAVE? I HAVE A TAPE OF EDDIE McFEE! IT’S A TAPE OF HIM DOING SOMETHING REALLY EMBARRASSING THAT HE DOESN’T WANT ANYONE TO SEE!”

  Eddie screeched to a halt so fast he made skid marks on the floor. He tried to cover my mouth.

  “Shh! Stop it! Be quiet, Earl! Please, please. I’m sorry, okay? I forgot. I wasn’t supposed to touch you. It’s just a habit, that’s all. It won’t happen again. I promise.”

  He reached into his jeans pocket and began shoving money in my hands.

  “Look! Here’s all your money back just like I promised. Come on, Earl. We had a deal. Now take your money and shut up about the tape, okay?”

  Eddie dusted me off. “We’re okay on this, right, Earl? Everything’s cool with us, right?”

  I let the words float around in my head. Everything’s cool with us. Amazing.

  Just then Coach Rah came into the gym. As soon as everyone was seated, he looked down at his clipboard.

  “Today is going to be our final day for kickball, gentlemen,” he said. “Continuing in alphabetical order, our captains this morning will be Monroe Magee and Eddie McFee.”

  Maxie poked me in the side with his elbow. “Yes!” he said excitedly. “I told you, Earl. Didn’t I tell you? When I figured out The Plan, I was sure that Eddie was scheduled to be a team captain today. I swear, sometimes I’m so brilliant I scare myself.”

  My heart began to pound.

  Eddie and Monroe walked onto the floor.

  Monroe went first. He picked his best friend, Teddy Wilson.

  After that, all eyes turned to Eddie McFee. Only instead of picking a man, Eddie stared down at his shoes.

  “Mr. McFee?” said Coach Rah. “It’s your turn.”

  Eddie rocked back and forth on his feet a while longer. Then finally, he mumbled something under his breath.

  The coach frowned. “What? Who? Come on, son. Take the marbles outta your mouth and pick someone.”

  Eddie closed his eyes. He looked like he was in pain, almost.

  “Earl Wilber,” he said. “I’ll take Earl.”

  The entire gym went silent. I’m not kidding. No one was even breathing hardly, it seemed. Then all at once, heads started turning and kids started pointing like you wouldn’t believe.

  I still don’t remember walking to the floor that day. I guess it’s like one of those dreams where certain details fade in and out of your memory.

  I do remember how it felt to be standing there, though. I felt fearless, almost. So fearless that, little by little, I raised my head and looked directly into the faces that were staring back at me. Faces that Eddie was going to pick third and fourth and fifth. And last.

  But not first.

  Because first was me.

  And Maxie was second.

  And from now on that’s how it’s going to be. For the rest of the year, whenever Eddie McFee is the team captain, Maxie and I will be the first two kids chosen for his team.

  Eddie didn’t agree to it at first, of course. But then Rosie kept banging on the car window, pointing at the videotape. So finally he gave in.

  Only here’s the part that totally kills me. In fact, this is the best part of the whole plan.

  The videotape that was in the camcorder that day was totally blank.

  I’m not kidding.

  We never had an actual videotape of Eddie McFee at all. I never even turned the camera on that day. Which is exactly how Maxie had planned it from the very beginning.

  In the first place, I don’t know how to work those camcorders very well. And in the second place, the peekhole in the boxes was way too little for a lens to fit through.

  Plus, even if I’d had all the room in the world, Eddie definitely would have heard the little whirring noise that camcorders make. So I would have been caught for sure.

  But like Maxie had said from the very start, all that really mattered was that Eddie thought we had a tape.

  Which he definitely did.

  And he definitely still does.

  And so guess what?

  Death isn’t in my P.E. class anymore.

  There’s just this two-bit bully named Eddie McFee, who wears baggy shorts and chews his nails.

  And I’m Earl Wilber. Just a regular kid. With a little bit of a weight problem.

  And two amazing friends.

  Maxie’s Words

  kaka (KAH-kuh)—A type of New Zealand parrot. [this page]

  pewage (PYOO-ij)—Rent paid for the use of a pew. [this page]

  toad-eater (TODE ee-tuhr)—A fawning flatterer. [thi
s page]

  wimple (WIM-puhl)—A cloth for covering the head and neck. [this page]

  Barbara Park is one of today’s funniest, most popular writers for middle-graders. Her novels, which include Skinnybones, The Kid in the Red Jacket, Rosie Swanson: Fourth-Grade Geek for President, and Dear God, Help!!! Love, Earl, have won just about every award given by children.

  She has also created the Junie B. Jones character for the Random House Stepping Stone Books list. Recent books about Junie include Junie B. Jones Is (almost) a Flower Girl, Junie B. Jones and the Mushy Gushy Valentime, and Junie B. Jones Has a Peep in Her Pocket.

  Ms. Park earned a B.S. degree in education at the University of Alabama and lives in Scottsdale, Arizona, with her husband.

  If you liked Dear God, HELP!!! Love, Earl, then don’t miss the first two books in the Geek Chronicles trilogy!

  Geek Chronicles 1:

  Maxie, Rosie, and Earl—Partners in Grime

  Meet Maxie, Rosie, and Earl: just three regular kids who wind up waiting to meet their doom at the principal’s office. Shy Earl is there because he refused to read out loud. Nosy Rosie is there because her teacher is sick of her tattling. And then there’s Maxie, who got in trouble when he tried to defend himself from the other kids in his class. There they wait, like three sitting ducks with no hope of escape—until the fire alarm goes off. Realizing their big break, Maxie, Rosie, and Earl make a run for it—and head straight for the Dumpster …

  “Park does it again. Here’s a book so funny, readers can’t help but laugh out loud.”

  —Booklist

  Available wherever books are sold!

  ISBN: 0-679-80643-1

  Geek Chronicles 2:

  Rosie Swanson: Fourth-Grade Geek for President

  Rosie Swanson has always considered it her duty to make sure that the authorities are aware of what’s going on in her school. So what if her classmates think she’s a geek and a snitch? She knows that she’s only doing her job. Now, to help fight for the good of the school, she’s decided to run for president of the fourth grade.